Does anybody have an issue cuddling with somebody in a relationship? Even if it’s secret on their behalf?
I would object only if there was secrecy involved: either hiding the relationship from me, or hiding our cuddling from their partner.
I would be on board with hugs regardless of the situation, though. Hugs for everyone!
For me it's all dependant on the person's situation. I wouldn't ever lie about cuddling, but I can understand that some may not have that luxury. Though there are those who will unfortunately miss out due to the transgressions of others.
I know of one who was lying to his wife about cuddling, and it turned out he was lying about a lot of other things too. Like he had no intention of respecting my boundaries, and didn't.
So now, the next married guy is going to have to pass a more stringent screening than I might have used otherwise.
So yeah, not ruling them out, but not rushing to be first in line either.
If they are willing to keep secrets or outright lie to their relationship partner why do you think they would be honest with you?
Good point @CharlesThePoet ~ I guess if they're honest about lying then... But hrm...? IDK... maybe I can't trust them?? TBC... 🤔
@Jason30 we had a conversation about this kind of thing recently that you might find interesting:
https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/9058/significant-others-who-dont-get-it#top
It is a complex question.
We are a generally helpful, kind and understanding community, but your post is a little vague. Why don't you tell us again what the real question is?
"Even if it’s secret on their behalf?" What do you mean?
I doubt I could even find an exception that I am comfortable with. So I'd have to say no at this time. Still thinking about it though. If there's lying about it on either side then it is definitely no. I have zero tolerance for cheating.
Edit: After some more thought, still a no from me.
I’m under the assumption that this is platonic. Now we’re talking about cheating. I’m attached but in a difficult situation. I’m just looking for a dinner partner who likes to cuddle. This past year has been difficult for people like me.
It all depends …. There are people that will say absolutely yes or no, but it genuinely depends … so many different scenarios / situations / ect
I don’t want to cuddle with someone who is in a relationship and their partner doesn’t know about their cuddling. What happens if the partner finds out? Drama. No thanks.
I think most of folks favorite pros are in relationships so really doesn't matter aint like this is building a connection towards dating. Just enoy moment for what it is
I can't say for sure but I think people in my area at least do mind that I'm in a relationship.
I've just been looking and messaging for a while without luck, and I'm sure there's an element of luck and pure numbers but the more I try the more I feel like it's a barrier for some. I'm patient and I understand people's preferences, so I'm sure it will take a bit longer but I'll find the right person.
@Jason30 I'll ask the same thing @CuddleDuncan did: what's the real question you're asking?
In the wise words of The Office; "Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone."
Cuddling is a form of therapy. If someone is in a relationship or not really shouldn't matter. That's their private life. If they're not communicating with their SO, is on them. If their SO has a problem with it, thats on them. That's about their need for communication in my opinion.
"I’m under the assumption that this is platonic. Now we’re talking about cheating. I’m attached but in a difficult situation. I’m just looking for a dinner partner who likes to cuddle. This past year has been difficult for people like me."
So you can choose to only cuddle women, though we can't choose to not cuddle those who are in a relationship and especially those who hide it?
I have a right to my boundaries and if that's not wanting to be cozy with someone who is taken, I would hella not* appreciate someone lying about their status to either parties. Pretty sure the other party wouldn't either. It is cheating if you hide it from either parties.
Even though it is platonic, it is also one that can be quite intimate and can lead to higher likelihood of someone feeling aroused. I'd feel uncomfortable to be all cozy with someone who is in a relationship plus either one or both of us feel that. Among other reasons. So if you find people that are cool with whatever your approach is, you do you. Though just trying to state that even though it is platonic we all have a right to our boundaries and for that to not be violated.
The word “cheating” is what caused my attention and in my world, men cuddle with women. I get what you’re saying and that’s your right to feel that way but the word “cheating” to me has certain connotations.
I do realize that in some cases there may be instances of people building a string connection and developing feelings but that can happen anywhere.
@CobaltRacer55 It can. However I think of knowing that and getting intimate with someone is adding more* fuel to the issue, for me. Like there can be the added issue of "dang not only have I come to find that I feel butterflies for him and this in all likelihood isn't going anywhere cause of this and that". Though also "gosh with someone who is taken too?!". Emotional cheating is also a thing for some, perhaps many especially if that's not being relayed back to the partner. Or what have you.
When I feel attracted to someone and find out he's taken, I not only lose interest. Though also keep my distance out of respect for his partner. All of a sudden I want nothing but to treat him like the 'bro' he has become to me. Plus I have no interest to share a partner, all the more reasons he'd be off my mind.
I would prefer there would be consent between partners before I cuddled someone who is in a relationship or is married. That being said though, I understand that not everyone has the luxury of a safe or healthy relationship at home. I do not share any information about my clients without their express permission.
It's my job to provide a safe space for all of my clients, especially if they are going through it. I personally know what it's like to be incredibly lonely in a relationship. It is not my job to judge others.
My current partner encourages me cuddling, and knows how happy it makes me.
@chaisingcuddles
In theory it’s on them.
In practice that stops being true the moment a jealous, possessive, and emotionally betrayed spouse breaks down the door and shoots everyone in the room.
I have no problem interacting with people in relationships, so long as everyone in the relationship knows what’s happening, knows me, and is fine with that.
Consenting adults HAS to apply to all the adults in the relationship, no matter what form that relationship is taking.
@Jason30 I dont think it's an issue if their spouse is okay with it.
@chaisingcuddles yes cuddling can have some therapeutic attributes. But there are many people on here simply cus they like to cuddle. There are also many, many people.on here who are just wanting to push boundaries and see just how touchy and feely they can get with an internet stranger. It is different , like it or not , and even when intentions are purely innocent , you can't fault a persons SO for feeling upset, jealous , insecure , and betrayed over it as majority of mainstream relationships the other person will have an issue .
I’d like to urge caution using the word “therapy.”
Therapy implies that someone is a trained, responsible therapist who understands the intricacies and pitfalls of the therapeutic relationship, including transference, counter-transference, and knows how to navigate them. Amateur therapists can and do cause harm. I know because I’ve seen it happen.
We may find cuddling beneficial, even therapeutic, but that doesn’t mean it’s therapy. Going on vacation may be therapeutic, taking a day off work may be therapeutic, but it doesn’t mean it’s therapy.
How professionals decide with whom they will and won’t cuddle is one thing, how enthusiasts decide is quite another.
In real life, I’m a professional massage therapist. I’m trained, licensed by my state, and I’m held to certain ethical standards in how I conduct my relationships with my clients, including maintaining confidentiality. I’ve had clients who let me know they did not want their partner to know they were getting professional massage. I do not turn them away just as any other licensed healthcare worker would not turn them away. I would probably be reprimanded by my state board if I did.
Them seeing a licensed massage therapist is quite different from them finding an nonprofessional on the internet for massage.
There is no oversight when it comes to professional cuddlers. There’s no requirements, no code of ethics. It’s been clear to me from some discussions that some pros take their work seriously and others don’t, that some are mature in how they handle cuddling relationships and others are not. It’s the Wild West.
As an enthusiast, I don’t need a reason to decide not to cuddle someone.
I don’t discriminate on the basis of age, sex, gender, orientation, race, ethnicity, body shape. However, cuddling someone who is in a relationship who does not tell their partner about their cuddling puts me in a very vulnerable position. Worst case scenario, a partner finds out and someone gets physically hurt or threatened or endures a lot of drama. More likely is that someone finds out and is hurt, upset, and confused because they were lied to. I don’t want to be a party to that.
I’m not going to pass judgement on anyone caught in a difficult situation. I would suggest they stick with pros.
@Babichev much agreement with you here
@chaisingcuddles 💯 🌌
Flagged, reviewed, edited/removed. User has some homework to do. [-Sid]
Yup same here. I really don't want any drama.
@endneed
Only single people should get this from others
Going to hard disagree with you there. But first, a clarification: why do you feel this way? It seems you see a correlation between cuddling and romantic connection, which differs from the platonic rules of the site.
@endneed no. What some of us are saying is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking out physical affection outside your relationship, however it is always best that there is honesty about it. Otherwise dont be surprised if they find out and end up thinking there is more to it than cuddling. It's just the right thing to do . People want sympathy for sneaking around and doing things that they know will upset the other person. Sometimes it is selfish to claim that your needs are not being met so you just have to do this. That is putting an awful lot of blame and responsibility on your SO and essentially saying well now look what you made me do . This is your fault, its because of you , etc.. just best to be honest.
@Babichev
"I’d like to urge caution using the word “therapy.”
Therapy implies that someone is a trained, responsible therapist who understands the intricacies and pitfalls of the therapeutic relationship, including transference, counter-transference, and knows how to navigate them. Amateur therapists can and do cause harm. I know because I’ve seen it happen. ..."
Thank you!
@endneed I figured you were being sarcastic, especially now having seen your relationship status.
"Only single people should get this." No, of course not... However first of all, no one owes anyone cuddles! It doesn't obligate me or anyone to provide that for someone else, especially when that someone is lying. Many of us have our reasons for our boundaries, not that we have to have a reason or to justify why we have our boundaries. Most of all, we have a right to have our boundaries respected and not violated.
Fyi, people who have similar mindset to you, it doesn't help your case that for instance, you only cuddle women. So you feel the need to make others feel guilty for their boundaries, yet out here excluding a whole range of people from your cuddles. And let's be real, people's sex isn't where it stops for many. Cause the filter goes and then some, because knowing a thing or two about human nature I know that many of us have filters that we don't necessarily broadcast to the world. Moreover, I have a bigger issue with this being a majority of the men who (generally speaking) feel the need to not only tell women what to do with their bodies but to guilt/manipulate them too. All the while they have whatever filters they want, including but not limited to, only cuddling women. All the more reason, I feel uncomfortable cuddling with others (not that I really feel like cuddling with women) in relationships, especially men in relationships. Even though I am sure there are people in relationships out there who are quite ethical about it. To me, with all that I've to consider and navigate, it feels like finding a needle in a haystack to even find such a person, let alone feel comfortable to go a step further and want to cuddle with them.
@Big_Chris , I'm pretty sure they were being sarcastic.
@Mr_Cuddle_Bear Ah. My apologies to @endneed, I have a chronic inability to process sarcasm, especially online.
@Big_Chris
Happens to a lot of us.
I think it’s because all of life is basically sarcastic, so we simply miss the subtler bits.