Grieving and cuddling

If one is grieving the loss of a loved one, should they hold off on cuddling for awhile due to the depth of emotions and time needed to process?

I ask because I feel like it might be a bit heavy of an expectation to put on another person, as well there is a tendency to be very vulnerable during the season of loss.

JoyfulHeart

@Chris55555

I think that's an amazing question. If something like that happened to me, I wouldn't hesitate to set up a session with a pro here that I've come to trust deeply. I feel it would be safe for me, and I also know that our connection would give us other things to talk about once the tears have stopped.

I would hesitate to do that with a new cuddle partner, pretty much for the reasons you've mentioned.

@Chris55555

It’s a good and painful question, and like all things human there probably isn’t a single answer.

And it certainly involves communication.

Personally I know that my time of grieving is one day closer every day.

I also know that I have been “putting off” other griefs (the loss of my marriage and community, the death of too many friends, the &@$%ing world in general…) because I am simply focused on caring for my Mom, and everything else, including me, can wait.

So, I know that when it all comes crashing in it will ALL come crashing in.

I don’t know that I would want to put all of that onto one of my friends.

I think that might be when to hire a professional, but I would be sure to let them know that I was going to be nineteen kinds of mess, and be sure they had the spoons and emotional/professional resources for it.

But I don’t know, I am not there yet.

NY personal opinion is it depends. I got maybe 2 snuggle buddies where we can get really deep with and talk about anything and everything. I might be a little uncomfy with that if its someone pretty new. And I'm not saying they are a bad person or anything like that. To me its just that relationship is maybe to new. I got a gma on hospice care right and could go at any second. I would only open up to the one or 2 truly knows on here because they have a general background with me. I hope this helps ya out. Best wishes.

PeopleLikeUs

I would seek out someone who is okay with darker feelings. In being able to feel anything, we have to feel everything. Suffering is to joy what left is to right, or up is to down. I would find someone who knows this, is okay with it, and even gets and thrives off feeling everything and sharing everything with you regardless of what you are going through unless of course, you would feel too vulnerable at this time by letting someone in close to your grief. It may also provide you with a momentary rest from it all. I tend toward people for support. I have a friend right now who is grieving and needs to be alone.

DannyHuggs

I agree with the others. There is one person (pro) I would feel comfortable with if I were in that situation. I would say unless you were comfortable being in the reverse position with a particular person, I would not even think about it.

Babichev

I agree that there’s no blanket answer to the question. I’d suggest cuddling with a pro unless there’s an enthusiast with whom you already have a relationship and you know they would be comfortable with the situation.

Thank you all. I honestly wasn’t sure how to proceed. I appreciate the community’s help.

cuddles_ndream

Good question! & I think it depends on the person

@Chris55555

It always amazes me how often “the answer” is:

Be yourself, be honest, be kind, be safe, be patient, and then all will be well.

MrMarkAndrew

I could have used it for sure in 2020. In that one year, COVID hit, my Dad died, and my radial bone was shattered in a very bad bike accident.

The compounding problem on top of all that grieving was social isolation. Working from home, being physically distanced, recovering from my injury, and living in fear (pre-vaccine) of contracting the Coronavirus.

Ironically, what would have helped the most (physical contact like cuddling) was the least available.

I've been better for a little while now, although it still hits me at random times.

quixotic_life

@Chris55555 ~ I'm sorry you're experiencing a heavy heart. I hope you're able to find who or what you need to help you through.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but there was a point last year that I felt like my entire world was caving in. I eventually came to a crossroad when I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. I took a deep breath and messaged a cuddle buddy I barely knew. I asked if I could go over, in my fully disheveled, snot bubble state and have him hold me while I sobbed. He said yes and in addition to that he greeted me with dinner. Then he just held me close for hours on end until I'd cried myself to sleep.

It was one of the most beautiful things someone had done for me in quite some time and I'm so glad I took that wee bit I had left in me to reach out and ask.

I agree with the others. Be honest, let the ones you contact decide if they're able to be there for you in that way and then soak up their affection without apology if/when they say yes.

(((Hugs))) and best wishes to you ~ 🫂🍀

Melomaniac9

@quixotic_life I’m glad you had the courage to take that step! I’m stuck in a dilemma, I can’t reach out and ask.
I’m glad it worked out for you🫂

@Chris55555 sending love to you🫂 may whatever you’re going through ease off your soul🙏🏼

Lovelight

Depends on the type of cuddling, if pro then I'd suggest taking a timeout if going through such difficult time that you can't leave at the door.

Otherwise I find it tricky. While asking someone how they feel about being in your company in that state is great. If especially it is someone new, I find it could put them in a difficult position where they feel like a _____ if they say no. While I could argue that that's their responsibility to be truthful about how they feel, it still doesn't sit that well with me. Especially given they are strangers and they could be fighting their own battles which they can't speak about particularly with a stranger. A part of me feels important to ask ourselves how we can ensure that we both are there for each other, if both or one of us is distraught or feeling really touch deprived. Maybe this wouldn't be much of an issue than it seems, though given my limited cuddling experience I don't know. There's also the risk for resentment some could feel of just being there for someone and then when that someone is better: getting left with unmet needs and feeling used.

Expecting someone who is distraught to be there also doesn't really sit* well with me, I think such person needs to be given more focus and comfort. Unless giving comfort back is also comforting for the person in that state. If not, then I'd more so suggest going with a pro or someone you know and have previously had mutual exchange of comfort with. If you feel you don't have it in you to be there for the other person too. Or if one must go the route of reaching out to a stranger, I suggest making it more clear to the people one reaches out, saying something like: "I am in so and so emotional state, going through a really difficult time. So I want to know if cuddling with me in that state is okay with you. If it's not, don't worry about it. I respect your decision."

hifigeorge

I know I would have really appreciated a good cuddle back in 2016 when my father passed away. On the other hand, I would have struggled with asking for it. I would have used excuses like, "i should be strong and not need it." Or, "I don't want to bother anyone with my troubles." Ironicly, when I've been able to help, I often feel like I'm getting much more than I give. I guess it may also be true that if I allow myself to receive, the giver may be truly glad to help. I still find this a hard concept to fathom at times.

Mare_Bear

Bring it! Emotions and grief are my specialty /hug/

JoyfulHeart

@hifigeorge

I often feel like I'm getting much more than I give.

This is a profound truth, and I've experienced it too. I've used almost exactly the same words to describe my work at a homeless shelter. I go there to lift, and find myself lifted.

i should be strong and not need it.

I've felt this too. My sister, who's a therapist, says that sometimes we "should all over ourselves". I've come to think of emotions as similar to a thermometer. It simply reads the temperature, and reports what it feels. It does so without the fear of moral judgement. I'm beginning to think that I, too, am allowed to feel.

One of the best cuddles I've ever had was one where I had developed a deep trust of the person I was with, and was able to let the tears flow. She embraced me physically, but more importantly, she embraced my emotions, and created a safe place for me to simply BE.

As one man to another, let me say "I see you". I'm still on this journey of allowing myself to heal, and I respect and admire your courage in working to go against the falsehoods that many men were taught in their childhoods. Keep up the good work!

Hugs to you!!

hifigeorge

@JoyfulHeart Thank you for your kind words. I guess it's a kind of evolving. My wife talks about the tapes we play in our heads. We have to decide which are valid, and which are not. Those which aren't good for us any more, we need to get rid of. It can be so hard at times. Thanks again. I've had a bit of a rough day, and I needed to hear what you said.