@xandriarain Thanks for the feedback from the professional's perspective.
Perfectly said @ElleCuddleMi and @xandriarain
It is different for each person!
It's clear is cheating if his/her partner don't know, if he/she knows it's not
I've been reevaluating my personal feelings about this lately.
I think this question, and people's answers, could very well be faith based? I know that, for me, I felt a lot of guilt cuddling in the beginning BECAUSE I was in a serious relationship and my partner didn't know. I had to hide my cuddles from her and it literally ate at me. But again, that's because of my personal beliefs, so it may be very different for other people.
Maybe a good way to gauge it would be, if you're married and cuddle without your spouses permission/knowledge, feel guilty about it, have to hide it from them, then you've pretty much answered the question for yourself. Cuddling is, after all, a very intimate act. Sharing that level of intimacy with another individual who isn't your spouse, crosses into an area that many people would be considered something that should only happen in a marriage/relationship situation.
It is cheating.
I'm married, and I'm here looking for somebody to cuddle with. It appears the be the consensus here that I would be cheating. Let me offer a rebuttal.
If I were to choose to cuddle with a woman from this site, instead of with my wife, that would be cheating. However, that couldn't possibly happen. My wife suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and refuses to cuddle at all. She says that "we're too old for that." Therefore, my possible choices are not to cuddle with my wife or with somebody else. Rather, my possible choices are to cuddle with somebody else, or not to cuddle at all.
I believe that my wife has every right to decide that she no longer wants to cuddle. However, I am adamant that she is not authorized to make that decision for me. When I do cuddle with somebody, I absolutely will not be cheating.
The popular opinion is that if you are platonically cuddling, its not cheating. However common sense says that cuddling is not the same as the typical platonic activities . For example. I have close female friends in relationships, and we dont cuddle or get all handsy with each other because that is a boundary that they do not cross in their relationships. Even ones who are actually pro cuddlers . It is a job for them so it is not viewed by their partners or themselves as crossing a line . However, those same pros do not cuddle with their friends, it is kept in a professional context . So at minimum , cuddling others outside of your relationship without the other persons knowledge or consent , is dishonest, and likely a boundary is being crossed in your relationship, otherwise you would not be keeping it a secret . I am guilty myself of having kept cuddling a secret from a person I was seeing and it hurt her quite a bit . Now I keep things open and honest and make sure that anybody I'm seeing is not someone who would disapprove.
@GreatHornedOwl: Too old to cuddle! Dear heaven. I hope I never get that old.
Cheating in a relationship would seem to involve giving someone else something that your partner wants all to themselves, be it your attention, your affection, a back rub, a cuddle, a home-cooked meal, or whatever.
Is it cheating to cook for someone else if you love cooking but your partner doesn't want you to cook for them? Hmm. Maybe it could be called that, if it's important to them that no one else have access to your cooking—but gee. What a cruelly controlling relationship that would be.
I'm glad my partner's not like that.
@DaringSprinter - My feeling exactly. Now, if only I coudl find a woman in my area who also agrees that you're never too old to cuddle.
@Brant76 Despite the fact that it's platonic, cuddling is a very intimate act. Intimacy is something that most people in relationships expect their partner, or themselves, to be the one providing. If someone is questioning whether or not being intimate in a non-sexual way is considered cheating, then I think it's clear that they should bring it up with their partner. Perhaps their partner isn't aware that there's something they could be doing to bring them comfort and security.
If your partner is not aware that you’re cuddling and/or not cool with it, than yeah.
@cuddles_ndream - My partner has Alzheimer's. She often isn't aware of much of anything. Does that change your opinion.
How can platonic cuddling be considered cheating?
Enthusiasts Significant other contacted the pro-Cuddler. Significant other had some harsh things to say and would not stop contacting the pro. So much drama. This particular pro had a firm policy of only Booking sessions With singles. Enthusiast lied to the pro-Cuddler. The only reason I know this is cause I was scheduled for a session with this particular pro-Cuddler, But out of the blue, they deactivated their account and I understand why. I hope everything is ok with them. It's not The pro's fault.
@daground, it isn't.
However, there are two caveats. Firstly, if the spouse doesn't know. It's not the cuddling that's the cheating, it's the deceit.
Secondly, cuddling is quite intimate. You are 'supposed' to get that intimacy from your partner. This can give rise to some difficulty, if it's not handled well.
It's perfectly common for married people to cuddle with the full knowledge of their partner. Some partners approve (sometimes it's the partners idea), others simply don't care.
All this is before you get to questions like, people in abusive relationships.
@CuddleDuncan - When the spouse insists that both se and I are considerably too old to cuddle, the only options are either deception, or doing without. Which would you pick?
@GreatHornedOwl thats an interesting perspective … I have to give it a full thought before I answer 💭 thanks for sharing.
@GreatHornedOwl Read the edit at the end first. I'm too tired to rewrite the whole post. I'm truly sorry that you are in such a difficult and painful situation.
Neither, because that would be accepting a false premise. There is no such thing as too old to cuddle. The spouse is lying. Deceit around this topic is therefore already present in the relationship.
Conventional wisdom in a situation such as yours is to 'allow' the other party to 'discover' cuddling for themselves. (A tame third party can be helpful for this.) With luck they will spot the advantage to themselves and bring the subject up. People are much more likely to agree to things if they believe they have thought of it themselves.
Without luck, the normal approach would be to raise the spectre of a truly unacceptable resolution to the situation. This is likely to prompt the suggestion of cuddling. However, if all else fails, sometimes you have to bring it up yourself.
In any event, both the acceptance of cuddling in principle and the first actual occasion must be accompanied by a suitable reward: there must be a tangible benefit to the spouse of you cuddling.
In the end of the day, refusing to cuddle your spouse and refusing to allow the spouse to cuddle somebody else is abuse. It's not acceptable behaviour.
Babies die without touch. Adults have significantly shorter lifespans. Forcing somebody to go without affectionate touch is a very slow form of murder.
That somewhat theoretical answer does not really speak to the emotional and other difficulties of the situation. Nor does it convey my sympathy for your predicament.
It occurs to me that the spouse may be one of those people who confuses cuddling with sex. If you haven't already, it might be worth exploring this point with her.
Edit: I've just read back through the thread and discovered the Alzheimer's, which makes much of the preceding irrelevant. I will leave it though, in case it might help somebody else.
With degenerative conditions the only real question is 'When?' As your spouse loses the ability to care for you, when is the appropriate time for you to undertake this or that action of self care in order that you can continue to look after her. In other words it's not a question of 'should you cuddle' but 'when is the appropriate time to cuddle'.
@CuddleDuncan - Yes, the Alzheimers makes all the difference. She isn't being mean, and it isn't really her fault. She was raised in a very conservative household, and went to Catholic schools for 12 years. Her mind is reverting back to believing what was drilled into her by the nuns. At this point, any rational discussion on the subject is virtually impossible.
As for 'when is the appropriate time to cuddle,' it's whenever I manage to find a reasonably local enthusiast who does,'t also thing that I'm too old to cuddle.
@GreatHornedOwl I hope you know that many of the people passing judgements and proclaiming what is cheating are mostly not married and many have never been married.
Carry on.
@FunCartel - Thanks. I take that all with a grain of salt.
IMHO, I feel it depends on the intent
I would add to the discussion that, when there is open communication about it (or a unique situation as is currently being discussed), seeking a professional cuddler when in a relationship with unbalanced needs can actually BENEFIT a relationship.
Having been in a relationship of touch deprivation for majority of the marriage, I can say that if I had found this site back then, it would have allowed me the option to have those touch needs met. I honestly felt like I was living a life sentence of never getting the touch I thought would always be a part of the relationship. If I had presented to my spouse the thought of cuddling or wanting to cuddle a pro and he had issues with it, I probably would have questioned my relationship and taken action sooner than I did. The hopeless feeling of touch deprivation was almost painful to go through. As a pro, I am cuddling with some that are married, but there are boundaries as with everyone I cuddle with. I am not going to tell the people I cuddle with what they should do or not do, as every situation is different. It’s not my place. I see what I do as completely therapeutic, that helps keep people more balanced.
This feed case clearly addressed honesty and communication as paramount so I won't reiterate..
Also, the morality seems clearly defined as ok, but still somewhat subjective to the situation.. well addressed as well..
My two cents is about jealousy, the central issue this revolves around..
Jealousy is an instinct. No one should be shamed for being jealous. That isn't a feeling we have because of a belief we chose to adopt.
However, how we choose to behave because of jealousy, much like how we choose to behave because of fear, is where I think the conversation should be had.
If your partner has attachment issues on account of past trauma you may be asking too much of him/her to manage the jealousy in this regard as it also will increase the fear of loss.. potentially inflaming a PTSD condition.
However, in a healthy human without attachment issues, it's probably not too much to ask for or expect self management of jealousy and behaviors it could ignite.. IF cuddling others is a venue of compassion that is important to you.
You should also ask yourself, do I cuddle others so I feel needed? If so why?
Ultimately, if you are drawn to cuddling others, I feel it should be a calling of compassion to support those that need/want to be held.
To expect your partner to face the challenge of managing the instinct of jealousy because you need the attention so you cuddle others may be unhealthy for them and you generally speaking.
There is no hard and fast rule here.
Communication and honesty with your partner, with yourself, and with your client is paramount.
We are all different, very complex, and amazing humans. I feel more hugs are better than less of course, and in a civil society that should be encouraged. 🤗
Flip that around and it is true as well. Just because someone is jealous does not give that person the right to hold their partner hostage when they are incapable of providing human touch.
@FunCartel Well said, but I would be inclined to add a few more words. "Just because someone is jealous does not give that person the right to hold their partner hostage when they are" EITHER UNWILLING TO, OR" incapable of providing human touch."
@GreatHornedOwl I don't know what to think other than an energetic, well-spoken, and multi-faceted person like you should get some cuddles. I enjoy your thoughtful forum contributions.