So, you or your cuddler partner crossed a boundary, now what?

ernesto_2

So... let's say that you (intentionally or not) crossed another cuddler's boundary. Or perhaps, they crossed yours. How would you handle it (as a hypothetical) or how did you handle it (if it's actually happened)?

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I'll go first:

I had an amazing first-cuddle experience with a very reliable cuddler. And we seemed to hit it off great this time around. But at some point, I noticed something different and asked what was wrong. At first, they seemed extremely surprised I even caught the energy change, but once we both acknowledged it, we fond ourselves in very deep places emotionally. As it turns out, we were both coming to the session with a bit of emotional strain, but had also, at different points, misread each others energy, which made both of us more self-conscious than I think we originally anticipated.

I still think it was a great cuddle experience, and we were able to communicate some of our anxiety and emotional strains. I also learned that my energy at one point was "invasive" (I always ask for candid and unfiltered feedback). This really shocked and saddened me because I genuinely wanted to do everything possible to create the most safe, comfortable, and enjoyable experience. But, clearly, I had failed to accomplish that.

I am extremely grateful for their honesty, as it taught me to more carefully control my facial expressions, body language, and perhaps how I conduct myself. But now I'm wanting to open additional dialogue in order to be a better cuddler and cuddle-partner for this particular person. I also want to maintain a friendly relationship that would keep future sessions on the table.

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So, in my case, or in your own experience, or in a hypothetical situation, how should someone address (in the moment or after a session) when things went less than optimally? How could someone best open dialogue, discuss and hash out the positive and negative experiences, and, perhaps most importantly, keep the door open to future cuddling?

CuddleDuncan

@ernesto_2 what a great post, thank you.

Firstly, I'm not sure what you describe is boundary crossing. It sounds to me more like the normal kind of emotional interaction that can occur in cuddle sessions. Something similar has happened to me several times, with several cuddlers both professional and enthusiast.

"Invasive" is a terrible word to hear, that must have really upset you. But, congratulations to them for having the honesty and courage to say it. May I suggest that you don't focus on trying to "accomplish" a safe environment: instead, think about what's going on inside you that gave rise to this sensation. I mean yes of course it's important to think about creating a safe place for your cuddle partner, but that's not the essence of what's going on here.

Be aware that emotions can be transferred from one person to another. If one person is feeling X, but is not aware of that because it's deeply unconscious, the feeling can get transferred to another person who can feel and express X. In other words, in the intimacy of a cuddle session, the question of who it is that is feeling X or Y can be much trickier than it first appears.

There is only one thing you can do in this circumstance, and you've done it. Talking about it openly is the only way, and that's hard. Not everybody is able to manage it. Sometimes cuddling can open up very deep and painful emotions, which may be too powerful to be dealt with. It is possible for an otherwise happy cuddle relationship to end because of this. It's nobody's fault, and you can still part on reasonably good terms, it's just that now is not the time.

ernesto_2

@CuddleDuncan thank you for your insight! I still consider the scenario to be one of boundary crossing, because an emotional boundary can be just as important to us as physical or psychological boundaries. Perhaps even more important because of how deep an impact emotional boundary-crossing can have on a person.

I didn't take even the slightest offense to the word "invasive" because I wanted them to be as candid and unfiltered as possible. The first word that comes to a person's mind is generally the least filtered, even if not the most accurate, and it helps me better understand what they're feeling.

I do hope that more people can feel comfortable addressing this kind of topic because I think it's important for all of us to learn more about ourselves and our interactions with others. I think that a lot of subsurface emotions and thoughts were going on precisely because we are a good fit in terms of cuddling. So here's hoping that we can both look at it as a growth opportunity.

Thanks again!

Lovelight

For various reasons, this is a difficult topic for me to talk about.

• PS. Though I'll share what I can. *

For instance I once made accidental contact with a cuddle partner's ear, I quickly corrected myself and apologized. While it's not straight up sexual in nature, I knew it can be a highly sensitive area and wanted to be considerate. Seemed even he didn't know what I was apologizing for, then saying it was a little tough for me. Though I'm all the more better communicator for it today.

As for those who have clearly violated my boundaries, there was one who after a long time had passed apologized. While I appreciate the apology I could no longer trust him. Doesn't help that our lifestyle has become so different, along with the other red flags that came about.

It's important to note that apologizing just to get or in hopes of getting what we want is doing it wrong. When we apologize the person isn't obligated to accept it. It may take them a long time or they might never get there. They might accept it, though no longer feel comfortable to connect. The opposite may also be true.

sillysassy

@ernesto_2 this is such a mindful and thought provoking thread. Thank you!

So many interesting things going on here........ Emotional boundaries are very different in the sense that its not as easy to KNOW what is actually happening without a lot of discussion. I feel as though we all have lives that affect our connections with people and its a challenge in keeping balance with someone else's needs/wants/energy.

i.e. I don't always want to share the intricacies of my everyday life with all of the cuddlers I meet. Its a lot of personal information and sometimes I just want to sort of "set my worries aside" and focus just on the snuggle. These people are possibly new to my circle and I don't always feel comfortable "unloading" on them because that creates and warrants a different kind of intimacy. The struggle of course is that we are sometimes resonating that emotion (maybe frustration with work or family, excitement about career change or adventures etc) without meaning to. One person might be extremely sad because of a loss and the other oblivious to it because of their upcoming concert tickets.

You said this.....

we misread each others energy, which made both of us more self-conscious than I think we originally anticipated.

I completely agree with @CuddleDuncan that it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to TALK about it and find new ways to address things instead of trying to guess at what is going on. Like you said.... misreading someone's energy and emotions is the first step to causing more struggles.

One of the best things I have learned since coming to this world of cuddles is that I have a responsibility to speak my truth rather than hoping someone will just "get it" That is too much pressure for someone that is fairly new to you and vice versa. What is amazing to me is how much MORE I feel like I can trust someone when they are forthright about how they're feeling or what they're thinking, or what they're needs and capabilities are at that moment. That kind of clarity CREATES a safe space in and of itself.

Once, during a cuddle party the facilitator asked if anyone was in a position to handle some heavy emotions that day. I was feeling pretty drained emotionally and it felt so good to be able to say no and truly be valued for speaking up. (This is very unlike me and it was only because she had created a safe space to speak truth that it worked) After that, 3 people said they were feeling a little drained as well and then a few others said they would love to embrace some big emotions that day. We weren't even processing the problems. No one was trying to solve anything. BUT knowing how emotions can affect us, it helped prepare both parties and gave freedoms for others to gain insight.

I know this is long winded.... BUT YOU ASKED!! hahhahaha What is beautiful for me is that because of this experience, I know myself better and if I'm having some big emotions, I can say that upfront or even before the meet. I have also learned that sometimes the healing energy of touch and just being present can relieve some of the pain from the emotions etc etc etc and I can tell myself that I'm going to "put a pin in" my struggles and sort of step out of the grieving for awhile. Sometimes we need to ask if its ok to emote with someone else and they get to speak their truth about it.

Moral of the story..... communication about the struggle makes everything better!

sillysassy

Shoot..... Now I had another thought..... Wow..... this is creating a lot of stuff this morning! First of all thank you for being the kind of cuddler who has a desire for honest feedback. 😊 We need more of this everywhere!!

I am extremely grateful for their honesty,

Second..... I am struggling with this. I know you didn't ask for advice here, but I am giving an unsolicited opinion right now.

it taught me to more carefully control my facial expressions, body language, and perhaps how I conduct myself.

I FEEL like this might be counter productive. Counter intuitive? Counter something. Just counter.

We are coming together with another human in a very intimate kind of way. To then tell yourself that you have to control facial expressions etc or basically control an emotion you are having seems like you would spend the whole time together focused on NOT feeling and then miss out on the joys and benefits of the snuggle. I am obviously thinking out loud and processing externally here. If for example, I was sad because of the death of a loved one. I tell my cuddle buddy I'm a bit sad because of some family stuff, and they say "I can't handle that today, please control your tears when we are together." I wonder if it might be better to not have the meeting rather than try and force yourself to not feel. (I am imaging that we're not talking about sexual feelings here and instead just emotions because of your verbiage)

I absolutely adore what you've said about communicating the positive and negatives so each experience you can learn something. You asked how it might get addressed..... I always love to ask "What was the best part for you and the worst part?" or "What is your biggest hope and your biggest fear?" If you want to be open and authentic I think you will also be more prone to finding like minded people.

You are awesome @ernesto_2 I'm so glad you are a part of this beautiful community!!!

(MAYBE I should change my name to CHATTYCATHY!!)

sr182

Great thoughts. Learning my boundaries and learning to discuss them is still an on going and fluctuating process. There are so many variables. Even different boundaries with different situations and people. Learning to talk and effectively communicate, both expressing and receiving is improving me.

Maybe @sillysassy is chattycathy, or novellanancy? You have so many great things you share.

MrKinder

Direct, open communication isn't prevalent in my experiences. Blocking and ghosting happens here and there and that's fine, but it's unnecessary. It's funny, we're all adults, but many of us don't act like it. We don't trust each other with bad news, nor do we react appropriately to bad news.
So there's enough blame to go all around. For every person who reacts poorly to news of "we didn't vibe" or "you did something I didn't like" there's another who doesn't voice these things and leaves someone hanging with no explanation.

It's silly, but it's how things seem to be.

MirandaMermaid

Boundary talk and communication is key beforehand and during a session. It's potential to cross boundaries, whatever they may be, on either side, so it's important first and foremost to be in touch with yourself. That way you stay true to your feelings, and can convey that to your client so things will run smoothly.

MxSmith

Imagine you just met a cuddler, had a super good experience, and the next day they surprise you by show up at your job with lunch. Does that feel invasive? For me, YES. I would feel extremely uncomfortable if this happened, even though by all means, its very nice.

I feel like I've been wrestling with this question almost weekly since I started cuddling. I pride myself in being very consent oriented in every aspect and good at communicating.. still, what I've realized is that communicating about physical boundaries is the easiest part and the tip of the iceberg. I've been the most surprised by cuddles that had zero physically creep vibes, but still left me feeling weirdly emotionally violated. What's even going on? I think the issue is that we have so many boundaries we might not even be aware of.

For me as a pro, I'm having to learn be more and more clear about the emotional limits because I simply do not have the emotional space to continue close friendships with people I cuddle with. Its not that I'm not friends with many of the people I cuddle with, its that I can't sustainably maintain friendships outside of our sessions and I have to limit our connections to a certain time and space. I might totally love cuddling and chatting with someone, but I really don't want them to start texting me all their Tiktok vids, call me daily, ask me out for dinner. I just haven't figured out WHEN exactly to set those boundaries. I don't like starting a conversation by saying "no xyz" fifty times.

I think perhaps a good approach is to think of the different ways people have boundaries: physical boundaries (touching, or even touching someone's things), emotional boundaries (sharing personal information), intellectual boundaries (ex: talking about politics), sexual boundaries, material boundaries (damaging someone's property), time boundaries (taking up too much of someone's time).

I think being aware of these basic boundaries and asking before doing is key. Is it ok if I show up 20 minutes early to our session so I can get changed at your house? Is it ok if I get you a Christmas gift? How do you feel about texting outside of cuddling? Do you feel ok talking about politics?

If you accidentally cross boundaries, I'd say the best way to save the friendship is to verbalize understanding that boundary and making a plan for the future and then just giving them space. I think its only human to want space when you feel a boundary being crossed.

Hope that helps.

TheFunCartel

Discussing all those boundaries is why they allow the exchange of messages on this site. Unfortunately, there are people who state on their profile to not contact them until you are serious (I get that) but follow it up by saying scheduling should only take one or two messages (I disagree with that because I always have questions). I tend not to even bother with those people anymore if they find I am a nuisance (I am not).

sillysassy

@sr182 NovellaNancy!!!! hahahahahaha THAT is a good one. I think I will use that from here forward. 😁🤣😂

@FunCartel You of all people I know are OPPOSITE of nuisance. You like to have clarity but you are very aware of those around you and how that might be affected.

@MxSmith I love the way you put it.... So many categories of "space" that we don't realize we affect in other people's lives.

I can't wait for OP to weigh in and tell us his thoughts..... I really do appreciate the platform of being able to exchange information and learn from one another in this kind of thread. Like sr182 said.... We don't always know what we don't know so we get to keep on learning. (IF we choose to!)