Married but missing

The hardest thing for me, which made me hesitate actively using the site a very long time, was trying to convey a need for platonic touch that is not being provided by a relatively happy marriage. I don't want to cheat, but what does it say when a man who is affection starved reaches out because he is married to someone who does not like to be overly touched, is very germaphobic, and is religiously clinical about that which should be spontaneous? Is it normal not to consummate a marriage until night five of the honeymoon? And that was twenty years ago. The voices remind me that I've fought it off this long and accuse me of being evil for even being here. Yet now knowing that much of the affection I've received was hesitantly given out of a feeling of obligation, I no longer expect it or seek it. Still I feel like a cad for trying to fill a void. I feel like being honest on my profile is the only way to go but it's also why I haven't cuddled. Feel free to be harsh with your comments.

I feel you 100%. I used to beg to be cuddled and was always rejected. Now that I am divorced, I am looking someone who is affectionate and will acknowledge my emotional side. As men, we always fit a stereo type of being strong. For me, I am a highly sensitive person which was never accepted in my previous relationship. I applaud you

CuddleDuncan

Yeah, don't worry about it mate it's not just you. This comes up from time to time, and won't take much digging on the forum to come up with several threads.

Touch is a basic human need. Babies who are not touched, die. Yes, they have done the experiment. Adults don't die, well not straightaway anyway. I would guess the life expectancy difference is of the order of 20-30 years, between full touch life and seriously touch deprived. So you're not evil. (Well, not for coming here, anyway!) And you're not a cad: you're just a normal human.

Being honest on your profile is definitely the way to go. This is an intimate activity, we need to be able to trust people we don't know very well, and the way to achieve that is with openness.

What does it say when a married person reaches out for physical affection? It says he is looking after himself, in a disfunctional society.

Oh, and not consumating the marriage until the fifth night is, I would guess, somewhat unusual. However, not consumating on the first night is actually quite common. It's been a big day already. (I did once bluntly ask a couple if they had: they just stared at me. The wife said, "Are you nuts? I was up at six to get my hair and makeup done and we didn't even get to the hotel room till 1am. It took [husband] a good twenty minutes to get my hair undone and he had to wake me up in the middle. It was all could I do to take the dress off before getting into bed, I slept with my tights on." )

MountainCuddles

First of all, your wife should cuddle you. She should want to cuddle you. If she’s hesitant about showing you affection, the failing is on her part. If she has little to no interest in showing you affection, maybe you aren’t in a happy marriage?

Be that as it may, I would say that if she is failing to meet your needs when it comes to affection, and she has no intention of changing that, then she better damn well be ok with you seeking affection elsewhere. If she isn’t ok with you seeking affection elsewhere, then she expects you to go without having your basic needs met, which is abusive, and then it might be time for divorce.

RadiantHugs

Not all of us have the same touch needs, and the partners in a relationship can have very different love languages. I don't think finding a platonic cuddle buddy or pro on a site like this is cheating at all, especially if one is honest and open with their partner about their need for touch and how they would benefit by supplementing their touch needs via a platonic site like this.

From my interactions with men (I have been regularly participating in a men's group for several years now) most married men who look to cheat (or open their relationships) commonly share that they love their partners and want to stay in their marriages, but they struggle with their touch needs just not being met. This is a problem - and one having a platonic cuddle pro can really help with. With a cuddle buddy or pro meeting your platonic touch needs, you may find that you aren't feeling as needy around your partner, which in turn gives the space in which both of you can have an honest conversation about your needs in the relationship.

GreatHornedOwl

My wife has decided that she is "too old to cuddle," and she has every right to make that decision. However, she is not authorized to make that decision for me.

Good points actually
Sometimes your partners just lose interest on anything related to intimacy for several reasons and it’s not easy to simply have different relationships in this complex world. Guilt and temptations need justification.
This cuddling really helps to fill some gaps.

TwoPMcoffee

You are not alone.

Alesha

I straight up told my husband that if I could pay someone too cuddle me I would! He laughed. Well I found this site the next day. I told him about it he said that’s kinda weird but ok. Not that it was up to him at that point at all.
When you are very open about your needs (yes it’s a need not a want) and they don’t care enough to even try, then I’m sorry but they are NOT being the spouse they are supposed to be.
It especially sucks when you bend over backwards to fulfill not only their needs but wants.
How do you think she would feel if you didn’t do something they really needed?
And yes it’s a basic human need. I don’t understand why people are like that (don’t like to touch, hold, cuddle) maybe there mom didn’t hold or hug them enough as a child? But when you have been with someone that long and they still won’t….
Either do this or it’s time for a divorce.
Trust me I’m in the same boat!

It’s not like we’re asking them to go jump out of a plane. Even then I think my husband would do that before he would hold me. So no you’re not alone!

robroo

I was in the same situation before I decided to try cuddling. For years I was nothing more than a convenience. You need to take care of you if she won't. You'll find someone sooner or later. Don't give up.

HUGGGGGG

Within marriage being affectionate and lovemaking are an act of worship in Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism… in the beginning of a relationship lovemaking or admiring your partner maybe exciting but not for long …sanctity of worship kicks in when life happens may it be for any reason … I’ve answered in the context of religion because that seems to be the dominant context of your post (don’t feel evil for wanting affection) … you can make spiritual, scientific, or general experience and wisdom based arguments as well, as others have pointed out here… following your gut feeling holds the most value perhaps … nevertheless I’m sharing one of many links you can simply Google for more of course …

Or perhaps a marriage counselor will be better…I say the latter because you mention that affection was provided out of obligation which seems more like a hurtful think to say because of something else in life…

https://www.premierchristianity.com/home/john-piper-dont-be-embarrassed-by-sex-its-an-act-of-worship/2678.article

ClubSamwiches

Communication! I suggest to have a conversation with your wife about the site. Show her articles about married couples who utilize the site. Ask for her permission. I have a couple clients who are married and open about their experiences with their partner. She may not realize how pressing of an issue this is for you and may accommodate your needs more. Either way, don’t keep secrets and it won’t feel like “cheating.”

hifigeorge

As many have said, you're not alone. I believe it's possible to have a happy marriage, and have a person outside the marriage whith whom you cuddle. My wife and I are wired differently. Touch is simply not her first love language, for her, it's words. There is still a lot of love and common ground in our mariage. Neither of us consider one as having failed the other. When I first looked into cuddling, I didn't feel right. However, once I talked it over with my wife, and gave her all the info I could, she actually encouraged me to find a cuddle buddy. Fast forward to a few months and a few cuddles later, I feel like I have much more to give and I'm gennerally running much better. Even more amazing, my wife said I've become a better man. I'm very thankful for Cuddle Comfort, and the wonderful people I've met in person, vurtually and through the forums.

Hello George
I am going to say you are very lucky to have a wife who is understanding and letting you cuddle and appreciating the change she can see in you due to this therapy
Many are not going to be like that and sharing a bed with someone even though it’s only cuddling could give birth to different set of problems. Glad that you are able to handle it 👏👏

IggyJReilly55

Being married to someone that is not physically attracted or drawn to you has to be a difficult situation

herby357

Sorry to hear this has been a constant in your relationship and not something new. From my perspective you are in the perfect community.

Over the years I've come to realize that platonic cuddling is an energy exchange between two or more individuals.

For me, it's intimate but not romantic. And sensual but not sexual.

When you finally link up with a partner commutation is key. And best of all you will not be breaking and commandments physically, mentally, or emotionally in participating.

@alesha excellent point you've made. I've been the sole breadwinner for my family for the past nineteen years. My wife has never had to work, while sometimes I've had to work two to three jobs to pay the bills. Sure, she homeschooled our daughter, but as someone told me, I've made life too easy for her.

dungeondrummer

I know what you are going thru! I'm in a similar situation except that my marriage is far from happy and we are separated under the same roof. My profile spells out my situation because I want prospective cuddlers to know exactly where I'm coming from ahead of time. I have not had any success and keep getting ghosted, which I understand is very common anyway. Good luck brother!