I'm always hopeful, but always disappointed in men 😢

LorraineMorganLorraineMorgan
edited January 2022 in General

I've tried my whole life to have platonic straight guy friends, and even on this site now to just cuddle. But they have always tried to overstep that boundary.

I met my first guy today from this site for a coffee, hoping to just cuddle him after we met. We got on great and talked about meeting and he just text me saying "You looked amazing BTW 😍".

It just makes me so sad because I just want a cuddle, that's it, nothing more, nothing less, but it just seems so much to ask...

I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement to understand if it's actually possible for me 😢

«134567…12

Comments

  • Dan1124703Dan1124703

    Oh, that sucks!

  • WriterGFWriterGF

    I think it can be, unfortunately, like threading a needle. People are programmed by society to think that if someone who is not family wants to hold you, it must be romantic/sexual. Add to that the number of people who treat this like a dating site. The whole concept of platonic cuddling is one I think a lot of folks have a difficult time grasping. I know I thought long and hard before I signed up here about whether I was mature enough to do this right, whether I was TOO lonely to be doing this, etc. I think many people don't stop to ask themselves, "Is a cuddle what I want, and is it really all I want?"

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    Something that really healed me in my cuddling journey, is the fact that I am loved and appreciated for WHO I am. NOT what I have to offer/appearance/ect to someone.

    And I truly believe we all deserve that in return.

    I, too, can get disappointed when I feel I'm treated cheaply when innately, just want to be held without the pressures of societal norms.

    There is, and are, those platonic friendships out there, I promise you, it just takes time, effort in both parties, and communication.

    Sending you all the good thoughts.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @LorraineMorgan I'm sorry that you had that experience, and that it has been just another disappointment in a string of disappointments.

    Men's reputation for being boundary-pushers has a very strong basis, unfortunately, and there is simply no excuse for it.

    I hope that you can find the cuddle that you are looking for, and that you don't have to experience more disappointment in the process.

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    I wouldn't necessarily give up on that one just yet. Unless your instincts are telling you otherwise. ALWAYS listen to your instincts!

    Men and women are different. We communicate differently. We're socialized differently. I'm sure there's a whole lot that I don't fully understand in this area.

    What I can tell you is that I've been on this site as an enthusiast for a year, and I consider my experience here to be pretty successful. I have 2 regular overnight cuddle friends who are men, another one who moved out of state who still visits from time to time for overnight cuddles, and a 4th overnight cuddler with whom I no longer cuddle, but we parted on good terms. All of them are true friends and have been there for me during a very difficult time in my life. They are all good men and completely trustworthy.

    All of them have commented on my looks and/or my body at some point.

    You are beautiful. Men will notice. What you do with that is up to you.

    Sometimes I ask them what led them to say that to me at this particular moment. Sometimes I throw out a platonic check ("Keep it platonic, dude"). Sometimes I just enjoy the affirmation and keep it moving.

    You also have the option to say upfront on your profile that you are not open to receiving comments on your physical appearance. Then block anyone who fails to respect that boundary and move on. This will do a lot of the sorting process for you 😁

  • UCpaaHVg6u0UCpaaHVg6u0
    edited January 2022

    @LorraineMorgan I'm not understanding why you aren't discussing this issue with your friend to try to clear up what may just be a difference in communication. I say similar things to much younger co-workers when they update profile pics, and I only do it because everybody else says similar things. There's no way I'm messing with these women thirty years younger when I need to work with them and see them every day! Not even thinking about it! Perhaps I'm way off here. It wouldn't be the first time.

    Open communication... Just crazy enough to work!

  • Mela_BMela_B

    I'm sorry that you are feeling discouraged. However, our society encourages this. If this interaction is not acceptable to you, that's valid. Tell people you don't like those kind of comments and then give them a chance to appreciate you in ways that you do like. There absolutely are people out there who will respect your boundaries.

  • hifigeorgehifigeorge

    @LorraineMorgan, , link Like others here, I'm sorry your experiences have not been good. I encourage you to carry on though. Platonic friendships are possible, and speaking from experience, a platonic cuddle can be a wonderful thing. It's a unique way of sharing. I wish you success in finding a truly platonic cuddler.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @LorraineMorgan - I would give him another chance. That compliment that he gave you may have been totally innocent. Allow me to explain by example.

    I happen to think that long hair on a woman is beautiful. I also know that managing long hair is a lot of work. The reason that she's willing to engage in that extra work, is to look pretty. I'm fairly certain that when I tell a woman how pretty her long hair looks, she generally accepts the compliment thankfully, without thinking that I must be trying to get into her panties.

    That being said, the norms related to cuddling are different from those in general society. I know this, only because I read the forum here. If I wasn't active on the forum, I would never know that that messaging a woman on this site, and telling her that she has very pretty hair, might be heard as something nefarious rather than as an innocent compliment.

    So, if that guy doesn't read the form, he may very well have thought that complimenting you on how you look, is a nice, and polite thing to do.

  • NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs

    @LorraineMorgan — “That’s because you haven’t met me yet.” 😎

    (…is what they ALL will say, myself included.)

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles
    edited January 2022

    @NicoSnuggs is an awesome and respectful cuddler! I am as well! @LorraineMorgan I wish that you were closer!!!🤗

  • Nature_Lover_Nature_Lover_

    @LorraineMorgan First of all, thank you for sharing and I hope you are finding comfort and wisdom in the feedback being offered.
    After viewing your profile I will say you seem like an amazing person!

    I am also turned off when I receive messages which come across as overtly flirty or otherwise inappropriate and what some of the others here have stated is that sometimes their intentions are not congruent with the way they make me feel. This is where communication before, during and after any interaction can be paramount. While your feelings are valid and you are not required to explore communicating boundaries and expectations or any further interaction at all it is an option. I have given second chances before and been pleasantly surprised with how well things turned out.

    Beyond this I will commend you not only for coming to the site with seeking what it is intended for but also for meeting in public and trusting your intuition. I wish you the very best going forward ! 💗

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan
    edited January 2022

    @LorraineMorgan well they absolutely exist. I've had more platonic female friends than I can remember, and I have observed that it's not just me.

    Is it possible for you? Well, I believe it's possible for everybody so I would say yes. And as you can see from this thread, you've gathered half a dozen such men in just a couple of hours. Sure, we're all too far away, but hopefully this will help you believe that we exist.

    Edit - well it seems you're not that far from me!

  • LovelightLovelight

    You could say "I get the sense that you're perhaps not being platonic, if that's the case I want you to know I can't accept it." His response can help you figure out your next step. I wouldn't knock him out for that unless there was something else off about him. I've had one guy say something like that and once I communicated my boundary he respected it ever since. Not every guy who gives such compliments is trying to be inappropriate, unless it was actually sexual in nature which I'd in all likelihood end it there. Though it's up to you to do whatever you're most comfortable with.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited January 2022

    Dear Abby,

    I do want to add something that muddies the water a bit. A few times I have had female cuddlers get offended if I don’t say something regarding their hair, nails, clothing, or body. They always throw in how much work they put into their nails or getting their hair done and in the case of the body lady, she had lost 60 lbs at the gym after having a baby a few months previously and was fishing for someone to notice and compliment her.

    I appreciate the effort women put into themselves, I really do, but I err on the side of saying nothing because men’s behavior is always scrutinized especially the first meeting. And I totally understand that given that men’s track record gives pause to women in addition to the societal pressures someone mentioned. But men are navigating tricky waters as well and when a woman becomes offended because I didn’t say “beautiful eyes” (another incident) it becomes exasperating. I don’t know—would love to hear input from females on this based off what I just related. I mean, when you are told to compliment because you didn’t you feel like a douche, but if you compliment I know that can seem like a come on. It is a Catch-22 that I have encountered multiple times. I feel like I should tell someone to cuddle in complete darkness and I will have a reason to remain silent because I have never been able to decipher when a woman wants a compliment in a platonic cuddle situation.

    Signed,

    Clueless in KC

  • RezzRezz

    @FunCartel
    I can certainly understand why you don't know which side to lean towards. It's tricky. Some women thrive off of compliments. In this case he jumped the gun imo and based their interaction on her appearance which is not being positively recieved and I don't blame her.

    In this case these two had just met to see if they were compatible to platonically cuddle. His follow-up response would leave me wondering if he understood the nature of our meeting.
    It could be perfectly harmless or they could be under the impression there's some one sided romantic chemistry. Now she has to navigate and decipher the meaning behind the message and heart eye emoji and if he understands the definition of platonic, which MANY here do not.

    It's best to leave the superficial compliments off the table until a well established relationship has developed to avoid any misunderstandings.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Rezz Good to hear, because I don’t compliment unless prompted or I am given one. I do compliment them on being a good hugger, or nice touch because that is within cuddle parameters IMO.

  • UCpaaHVg6u0UCpaaHVg6u0

    @FunCartel Makes me think of John Prine!

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @UCpaaHVg6u0 I hope not, he’s dead from Covid!

  • RezzRezz

    @FunCartel
    ☺️ I always appreciate a nice compliment on my cuddling style and/or personality! It makes me feel like I'm well suited for cuddling and keeps me motivated. So please continue to let those ladies know their hugs are comforting.

  • LorraineMorganLorraineMorgan

    Thank you @MissAdventurous, @JoyfulHeart, @Mela_B, @hifigeorge, @Nature_Lover_ (I have read your brilliant advice on other threads!), @CuddleDuncan and @Lovelight.

    I took your advice @Cuddle_RN and asked him to clarify why he said that, then reaffirmed my boundaries. He just said "Appreciate, I understand"... I think it'll take more conversation because I am left feel quite uncomfortable and still disheartened especially as this is my very first meet 😔

    @UCpaaHVg6u0 I'd clearly said my whole life men hadn't respected my boundaries so why would I be keen to have yet another conversation about it, especially over the agreement I was looking for platonic.

    @GreatHornedOwl complimenting a Woman's hair isn't the same as saying "you looked amazing btw 😍". Most Women don't mind a specific compliment, I don't, but I'd just met him and he's making a general comment and sending heart eye emojis already, signifying it has the potential to be more than just a platonic compliment.

    @FunCartel - @Rezz is correct (someone else who I've seen also gives great advice!) Definitely compliment someone's hugging style and personality. As far as then specific compliments go after you're more settled with someone, you can probably say things like this in person (over text is difficult to understand intention) "your hair looks really pretty today by the way! I like it!" "I love your nails, the colour is great!" "Your shoes are fabulous!" And regarding the weight loss cuddler, you can compliment the amazing work she put in to achieve her goal, and hope that she feels good about what she's accomplished. So you're talking about things that don't necessarily pertain to a Woman's physical being because that can sometimes make us uncomfortable. Hope this helps...

  • kcraig9725kcraig9725

    I'm fairly certain that if I opened a post here with the line "I'm always disappointed with women" the reception wouldn't be so kind as in this thread.

    Someone should mention that generalizations about a gender are almost always wrong, and such generalizations shouldn't be used so flippantly, especially in an environment that gives off the vibe of tolerance for all.

  • LorraineMorganLorraineMorgan

    @kcraig9725 straight men are not oppressed, nor in the position to be oppressed. I am not here to have my actual lived experiences with men for 38 years be judged by you.

    Woman around the whole world relate to my experiences.

    Everyone in this thread has been helpful and encouraging. So thank you so much for sullying my experience even further and being a "disappointing" man with your flippant reply.

  • elpasocuddler7elpasocuddler7

    @LorraineMorgan

    I read this thread twice and I'm still confused why you're disappointed. I love receiving and giving compliments. After the first meeting, I think that response was platonic. I can understand if he said certain body parts are amazing, but saying "you looked amazing" is perfectly acceptable.

    I am not sure if it's different in England, but here in the United States it's extremely common for men and women to be platonic friends. Are you saying every guy you met wanted a sexual relationship and not just a friendship?

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    @LorraineMorgan, I completely agree with your response to kcraig.

    @elpasocuddler7, your comment is pretty classic gaslighting. It's 2022, we're not doing that anymore.

    @LorraineMorgan, I just want to add, regarding the emoji...one of my now overnight cuddle friends, early on, when I was trying to figure out if he was a good dude, sent a message with this emoji 😉. I responded that with the words that came with it, it didn't seem platonic. He immediately apologized in an "oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't even think about it that way I'm so embarrassed" type of way. In general I've found that a man's response to having something pointed out tells me everything I need to know about him.

  • LorraineMorganLorraineMorgan

    @elpasocuddler7 - the experiences of men and women are different. How compliments are received and given by men and women are different. It's not a "country thing", it's a very common experience for Women, less so for men. You can ask your female friends or even, read up about it... in this thread.

    Yes I'm saying that most guys I've met have tried to overstep the boundary, even guys I've had as friends for many years have tried to kiss or come onto me as soon as I became single. Its very upsetting.

  • LorraineMorganLorraineMorgan

    Thank you @Cuddle_RN! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

    I've asked him for more clarification and you're absolutely right, how he responds to my feelings will tell me if he's the right person to cuddle with 😊👍🏾

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @elpaso87 if she feels the same way I do on this topic, I can weigh in by saying this: I’ve been highly sexualized a lot. A lot. Just for being a woman. So unfortunately, when it’s done to a woman as many times as it has to me, we become wary of compliments based solely off of looks. I do enjoy compliments but most compliments that come from a visual stance almost always end with the man wanting something sexual. Especially if we’ve just met. It’s tiring. It’s obviously not as crazy to say I looked amazing as some guys saying they think I’m sexy or saying “nice legs, when do they open?”, but when a new acquaintance makes a compliment that goes straight to looks, a lot of women feel dejected. We want to hear stuff like “I really enjoyed our conversation “ or “I’m happy we were able to meet” or “I sure hope we can see each other again, I like your company”. But the only thing most women get are “you’re sexy” “that outfit makes you look gorgeous” “you have nice, pouty lips” or just straight up derogatory crap.

    So as much as I would assume he meant the best, women in general want to be seen as more than just a visual creature. Does that make sense?

  • elpasocuddler7elpasocuddler7

    I am not going to go back and forth because we are never going to agree, but I don't appreciate because accused of "gaslighting" because I didn't do that.

    I have a number of female friends and have talked to cuddlers on here. They state that, while some men don't treat women well, the majority of men are resfectful.

    The problem with these threads is it goes from ALWAYS and then to MOST.

    I just don't like threads generalizing genders.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @elpaso87 ok 👍🏻

Sign In or Register to comment.