There used to be a TV show called Mad TV. They had a segment called lowered expectations, which is where I would go to look for romantic partners.
The best thing you can do, by far, is give up on finding a partner as an end goal. Instead, start investing in and doing everything you can to better yourself - and how that looks can vary widely from person to person. For example, you may find a hobby and join meetups or other groups to help you cultivate it. Replace your time watching trash TV shows with time consuming content which will help you grow. Find and take a fun class. Work on building healthy eating and sleeping habits. Join a gym and/or exercise class. Get a personal trainer if you need to. Download audiobooks from the library and listen to them while driving and walking.
Whatever you do, unless you have movie star looks, don't waste time putting any effort on dating apps. Those apps are about 15% of the top men matching with 95% of the women and happily playing all of them, the result being that average men who are unfortunate enough to be not in that top 15% get zero attention. Those apps represent a broken, skewed market, are seriously damaging, and can leave many people questioning their self worth. https://qz.com/1051462/these-statistics-show-why-its-so-hard-to-be-an-average-man-on-dating-apps/
I'm an aromantic asexual. My idea of the perfect life partner is someone who doesn't want candlelit dinners, walks along the beach, gifts of flowers and chocolate, or sex... but is still more than willing to tie their entire life to mine, till death do we part, marriage or no marriage.
Try to find that at a dance studio.
Anyhow, I decided my odds of ever getting a life partner were low enough I might as well give up on them. So I did! Instead of looking for the impossible, I focused on making myself the kind of person I'd be happy to live with for the rest of my life.
And then one day this freak came down the sidewalk and wiggled a stick with a ball of frozen cotton candy or something on it at my midsection, and here we are.
I've given up on trying to find a romantic relationship myself.
The last one that ended two years ago was three and a half years with who I thought was finally going to be my life partner. Turned out to be a covert narcissist that almost destroyed me emotionally.
In the past I've been used for status, money, sex, a place to live, things to have or my ability to work and provide. I don't think I ever once in a romantic relationship was loved for who I am.
Friends on the other hand, I've got lifetime friends with some of the best people I've ever met, from so many varied backgrounds. And I love them immensely.
After this last break up I told my friends I will only consider dating someone they have personally vetted and set me up with. Because none of them want to see me destroyed and have to put myself back together again like I've done these last two years.
So far that hasn't presented itself. In the area of the country I live in I am definitely left of center, I am not religious, and my job intimidates some men because they're not used to a woman that can do this kind of work, live independently and be happy about it.
@CuddlesByDeep I think the statistic is closer to the top 20% of males match with the top 80% of females, or something like that. But online dating is a crazy world of unrealistic expectations, where the most attractive men have no incentive to commit, women are going for hookups yet wanting relationships, and average guys getting largely ignored. That being said, as time has been going on, it has become more common for couples to meet on dating apps. It's still hard for the average guy, but if you keep trying and making your profile as attractive as you can be, you should be able eventually land a date. Recent research has concluded that a typical male would need " 6,000 swipes over two nearly months to score a date." Though keep in mind it's going to take multiple dates to find someone you like. I think I'm pretty average looking, but I am able to go on dates by paying for the boosts that these dating apps sell. It's recently been easier for me to find a date on a dating app than to find a cuddle enthusiast atleast.
@sunnysideup 6000 swipes over 2 months??
That sounds like an introvert with anxieties and trust issues worst nightmare.
Nope. I'm going to stick to my original plan. I'd rather be single than put myself through that torture even if you say it would be easier for me as a woman.
@KYtranspant I've actually swiped/liked/messaged women on dating apps/website on and off again for over 5 years with 0 dates. It's only until I made a few changes that it's been easier to get dates (put fancy job title out front, put up better pictures, and paid for the app to boost myself ahead of my fellow average looking males). It's easier, but still not easy for a woman for sure (unless they are looking for a hookup, you can get them all day long). And if they are looking for a relationship, they have to filter/figure out which guys are just trying to get a hook up out of them (unless a hook up is what they want). This is on top of all the other nonsense you women have to deal with - boundary pushers, guys pressuring them for sex they don't want, guys who get angry when they get rejected.
Bars to me are never good. Unless you want to live the bar life with your partner don't look for one there. Try looking for people where you would want to spend time with them. I used an app called Meetup. You can look at hobbies (some group are even specifically for singles and dating) there are group that plan events similar dependent on the hobbies and you can attend them. I was part of an "Extrovert Introvert group" for people who are kind of a mix and would have all kinds of events from group speed friendships (like speed dating but no expectation of dating more to get you comfortable talking to people in general). Was also part of a board game enthusiast, outdoor hiking, dancing, etc. groups. I have met both really good friends and a past romantic partner through those methods. I have found too you find someone when you aren't searching for it. So just focus on finding a good circle of people who do things you like and can further expand your circle to hopefully find someone who interests you.
My only problem with the strategy of inaction is that I've done it before. I decided I'd be better off working on myself and the one who ultimately found me was the alcaholic codependent nymphomaniac girl. I don't want to just wait around and hope some random person sets their sights on me because I'm worried about winding up as prey to someone...
You know you don't have to go with whoever finds you first, right? One of the joys of being happy with yourself is you get to feel fine about turning down bad relationships.
To answer the OP’s q… I don’t. And online dating was as disappointing as expected. I don’t recommend it. Keep focused on studying psychology and doing your own inner work and observing/interacting with people around you. The healthier we get the more we’ll attract/be attracted to healthier people. The more pressure we put on ourselves to find the one the less likely it is we’ll make good decisions in that area. Take the pressure off and just get to know people as humans and not potential partners.
Definitely what @PlushandPerfect and others have said... Meetup.com, go to activities you enjoy doing, live your best self life, and maybe you meet someone. Hopefully those said activities aren't a one sided ratio against you. Dance lessons 6-to-1 sounds pretty great to me... Minus the dance party, hah... Maybe one day I could control my body fluidly enough to consider it dance.
Also...I'd just like to thank everyone in this thread, was honestly dreading to click this one, imagining the types of negative posts...as this one could have easily derailed with naysayers... Yet many great posts and great advice. Especially the crystal stick thing one, since that actually has proof it worked.
It truly is bit ironic but true though that the best advice to find it, is to not look for it. Shame it didn't work out for you though the last time but at least you know it can happen.
@Good_Mitchy working and focusing on bettering yourself is hardly a strategy of "inaction." It's you making a conscious effort to develop hobbies and interests, the pursuit of which might put you in the path of meeting high value people. For example I joined an improv class because I wanted to 1) be able to laugh at myself, 2) be able to laugh along with others when they laugh at me, and 3) learn to take life less seriously. I met a lot more people just by making an effort to develop that skill. It wasn't easy for me to enroll - I was scared silly I'd be triggered the moment I got put on the spot. Overcoming that fear also allowed me to overcome fear around approaching people in other social situations.
Just remember this acronym WWBD (What would Bruce do). Bruce Wayne is an introvert as well. Sometimes saving a damsel in distress is the way to get your soulmate. Does it matter that the perp you took down was her best friend's brother who just wanted to move the car around for her to put the groceries in? Maybe. It's all a matter of perspective. 😂😂😂😂 Obviously I'm just kidding. The best way is to find ways to exhibit your personality, your talents, your character, integrity and of course, your sense of humor. Whether it be a church group or an art class. Find what you are good at, find groups that do that and shine.
I’ve always believed romance is something that is more natural when it’s unexpected and not a true intention. What I mean is, if I wasn’t happily married and I went out somewhere, whether it be a bar for karaoke or painting classes or yoga, I wouldn’t want to be hit on or know that a guy is only talking with me with the intentions of hoping for a romantic relationship. I would want it to be natural. A human being wanting to talk to another human being and then feelings of romanticism just blossom from it naturally.
Going to karaoke and having a guy just talking with me for the sake of a conversation is so much more inviting than a guy scoping for answers and seeing if I want to date him. Just a woman’s perspective 🤷🏼♀️
It’s unfortunate sometimes being an introvert and wanting to be with an introvert, but not being comfortable enough to put yourself out there. If it’s something you truly want, just find things you love doing that involve being around people and I’m sure at some point, someone with the same likes will appear. Create connections based off of friendship and you never know what comes after that. It takes patience.
I wouldn’t want to be hit on or know that a guy is only talking with me with the intentions of hoping for a romantic relationship. I would want it to be natural. A human being wanting to talk to another human being and then feelings of romanticism just blossom from it naturally.
This might explain why online dating has been such a trainwreck for me - I'm hoping for a romantic encounter. Some people are highly successful with dating apps but I think they've just gotten really good at being natural.
I've had great conversations with women at bars, better than any of my online dates, but I wasn't looking for expecting anything I was just talking to them. But then again, these encounters didn't lead to anything romantic either.
@sunnysideup I think dating apps are the only place where women expect people talking to them with the intention of romantic partners. 😉 But I also know that dating sites are such a soul crushing experience that seems to destroy a mans self confidence based on the guys that have talked with me about them.
On the topic of conversations in bars; if the woman is super into talking with you and wants to progress, she will most likely let you know. But it’s nice to know that there are men out there that just want a genuine conversation with me without some kind of romantic or sexual expectation. 😊
Online dating is like 90% bots anyway. Get out there and find a group of ppl who share your interests. Covid unfortunately put a big dent in that kind of activity, but it's still possible. The key is not to look so hard. It will find you when you are not looking for it.
@Sheena123 I'll preface by saying that I'm clueless when it comes to dates. I've never been romantically involved with anyone. When I've tried, I've fallen flat on my face each time. I suspect I might be a neurodivergent of some variety? So I've been asking more successful people about advice on dates. Most, if not everyone I've talked to, male or female, has mentioned to me that it is generally the guys job to escalate things if there is some romantic potential, so I feel like I missed out multiple opportunities by not asking them out. Some guys/girls even mentioned to me that those women at the bar might have even been frustrated that I didn't ask them out. So I told myself the next woman at the bar I have a good connection with, I'll ask out. But what you you just mentioned is news to me so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act.
And yes after a lot of effort and a slew of unsuccessful dates on tinder, I'm taking a break from that app for a while atleast. I plan on jumping back in shortly.
But yes, when I'm at the bar I'm there to have fun, whether you're a guy or girl or old or young. I just talk to whoever is around me, or whoever wants to talk to me.