Unsolicited advice - is it always wrong?

spreadjoy

I was chatting with someone, and in the course of the conversation they mentioned a predicament. I started typing out an advice that would benefit them, but then I realized (while typing) that I have not been asked for an advice on the matter. It also reminded me of a thread on here recently where unsolicited advice was frowned upon. The next thought that I had was, "I should first ask if they would like me to give an advice on this matter". But then I realized there has never been an instance (in my short life), that someone posed this question and the other person said, "No". I felt that I would indirectly be imposing my advice on them by asking this question. "Indirectly" may not be a good word to use here but my vocabulary is failing me right now. I hope you are able to understand what I am trying to say. So, I decided to ask this community on your thoughts in this matter.

I understand that sometimes people I speak to just want me to have a listening ear. How do I discern between if they just want a listening ear or if they are open to listening to advice? Or do you think it is not wrong to just ask if they need advice on this matter and it is not on me to do any discerning?

I have a hard time with this too. Advice tends to automatically come out when really maybe all they wanted was support, someone to say "Yeah, man. That stinks. I'm sorry you're going through that." Most people seem to just want someone to commiserate with them but I tend to be a problem solver because I've always had to be. I'm the fixer/doer in my family.

It's frowned upon to give unsolicited advice. It's also not good to say something like "oh I've been through that too. Here's my story..." because it makes it about you.

I'm learning "That's a tough situation. Is there anything I can do to help?"

TheFunCartel

Depends on the person. I normally do not want advice because the advice most people give are things I have already considered. I know people that absolutely want the answers from someone else. The lesson is know thy audience.

Gallowglass

You can always politely ask, "Are you venting or can I share some thoughts? I'm good with both."

JoyfulHeart

I was once part of an online community where people could air their problems one on one with a "listener." In the training, they strongly discouraged the giving of advice, even when people asked for it.

With people I know personally, I think the line is blurrier, but with people I've met online, it's hard to know all the details. Sometimes those unknown details would make the difference between my advice being helpful and being harmful.

Additionally, I've experienced being on the receiving end of unsolicited advice. As @MaineCuddle said, sometimes I just want to be heard. When I feel heard, I gain confidence in my own ability to make good decisions.

Just sharing my experience here. Not suggesting you should do the same. 😉 That would be unsolicited advice. 🤓

cuddles_ndream

Maybe not always, but mostly yes …. I have a friend I’ve known for maybe 12 years now, we’ve kept in touch & reach out to one another twice or 3 times a year ,,, he left an amazing banking job to pursue his passion in music (I thought this was a big mistake but I didn’t give him unsolicited advice), had he asked me beforehand I would have shared my thoughts … he puts 100% of his time / energy / money & resources into his passion for music, so much so that signed artists videos don’t compare to his …. I forever highlight all the amazing things, because I know he wants the support & I will always be that support for him , but I would never tell him how I feel nor give him advice I wasn’t asked for, & even if he does ask me I will still be supportive in my response while still sending my message, till than - no unsolicited advice.

KYtransplant

@Gallowglass exactly. I always ask do you want me to listen or do you want me to problem-solve.

I have also learned before verbally dumping any issues to ask them if this is a good time and are they in a good headspace.

This has proved invaluable when it comes to being able to safely share without fighting or overburdening with other individual.

My mind is always going for Solutions but sometimes people just want to have someone present to hold space for them and let them process.

Last week a very good friend of mine significant other walked out on her. The only thing I did was lie on the ground in the carport and hold her while she cried. I had no answers I couldn't solve anything I could only be there..

How do I discern between if they just want a listening ear or if they are open to listening to advice?

Ask them. Simple as that.

It's human nature to want to help people when they're going through things-it's uncomfortable to sit there and listen to someone venting about their problems without being able to chime in with advice. Sometimes you just have to be uncomfortable. It's not about you at the moment, it's about them and what they need. A lot of the time people just need to say things to get them off their chest, and in the process of saying things out loud a lot of the time they an come to their own conclusions. Let them use you as a means to untangle their thoughts without needing you to chip in.

In my experience, nine times out of ten if they want your advice, they'll ask for it. There is nothing worse than unsolicited advice- it's faintly annoying at best, and inflammatory and insulting at worst.

Allow yourself to be uncomfortable with the fact that you can't solve the situation. Let them tell you what they need. Most of the time it's just wanting someone to listen.

I have also learned before verbally dumping any issues to ask them if this is a good time and are they in a good headspace.

This is brilliant, and very emotionally mature and responsible. It would be good if everyone learned to do this.

spreadjoy

@MaineCuddle

"That's a tough situation. Is there anything I can do to help?"

That's a good one. In our day-to-day conversations though, many a times we don't know if the person listening can help or how can they help. Probably something to the effect of - "That's a tough situation. I might be able to share some suggestions, if and whenever you'd want some." I was thinking the "if" takes care of if they want advice and "whenever" doesn't put them in an obligation to reply at that moment.

@FunCartel know thy audience. I have end up "knowing my audience" wrongly. Thankfully, that friend felt free enough to tell me, "You know I just want you to listen. I am not looking for advice." I was thankful she said that because it was clear to me after that. Not many, including me, is able to say things that freely though.

@Gallowglass That's such an efficient and great way of going about it! Thanks for responding on this question!

@JoyfulHeart Wow, I would love to be part of such a group where you just listen. No advice even if asked. That is such an interesting idea.

P.S. I did solicit advice on this thread

@cuddles_ndream I understand your reasoning behind it. It's great that you were able to hold back and be supportive of your friend. I guess if you were 100% sure that it was a very very bad idea, the least you would have done is lay down the pros and cons just because you wouldn't want your friend to get hurt. Is my understanding correct? In this case, with switching careers sometimes it just clicks, you never know.

@KYtranspant

I have also learned before verbally dumping any issues to ask them if this is a good time and are they in a good headspace.

This is a good idea too. Confirming before dumping

@BuggleBear I understand what you are saying. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!

cuddles_ndream

@spreadjoy you’re absolutely right! to this day I want to tell him bro, go back to banking! You were doing amazing, math & economics is 2nd nature to you so why struggle … I don’t get it plz go back, you’re naturally gifted in that field! but I know not to say anything… sometimes following our passions & having those close to us support us make it all worth it.

I’m literally reading texts between me & him right now, music is what makes him happy : )

KYtransplant

@BuggleBear a very good friend of mine whom I love dearly taught me this. We put a lot of emotional labor into our volunteer work and sometimes it's stressful, triggering and occasionally traumatic.

We never want to add to another's burden because some people can camouflage stress and anxiety better than others. But that doesn't mean we're not struggling and we don't need to take on additional emotional burdens we are not ready for.

It's a form of asking for consent essentially. And that is huge because it respects one's boundaries and gives individuals the choice to accept or not or when would be a better time.

@KYtranspant I've been trying to make a habit of this for years, and I love it when other people are doing the same- you're absolutely right, it is something that requires consent, because you don't just want to throw your problems into the top of the pile of whatever someone else is dealing with and then end up making them feel worse.

I have a friend in particular I do this with- we both have mental illnesses and so we both make a really conscious effort to ask each other 'do you have emotional space right now'. If they don't, it's OK, we just talk to someone else about what is bothering us.

Lovelight

Personally I'm not all that bothered by "unsolicited advice" and in fact might appreciate it most times. If I'm ocassionally bothered by it, I get over it and appreciate that the person in most cases is just trying to help. Then I take from it what value I can. Or it could help me another time or someone else. As for others, if they didn't ask for permission before unloading their issues on me. As some people do without being asked and have not said "I just want to vent" then I feel free to give them advice if I see fit. Though also sometimes I feel the need to ask, because there are people who seem all they want to do is complain and not resolve their issues. So I'd rather not waste my energy. Or if time and time again someone doesn't seem to take my advice and just keeps complaining about the same things doing the same things, I'd request that they stop.

There are people sometimes who if you don't even if they didn't ask for it, could feel you don't care as well. So unfortunately can't please everyone, I also personally don't think that it's an issue to ask. Although I understand what you mean, my take is, it's their responsibility to say yes to things they are comfortable* with and vice versa. Their saying* yes when they don't mean it, isn't your issue provided one isn't pressuring them to do so.

blisscuddles

Unsolicited advice can go wrong when given without the whole context of what has been and what is that the other person going through. And that means a lot of listening first and resisting the urge to jump to an advice.

quixotic_life

I like getting advice, even of the unsolicited variety. Sometimes its helpful in understanding things beyond my own view or in making a choice. It can also help define the degree to which someone understands and/or cares about me too.

At this point in my life I've learned how to advocate for myself some too. So if I'm really not looking for their insights, I'll say something along the lines of, "I bet you have plenty of ideas, but I'm just needing some external processing time. You okay with just being my sounding board, and letting me vent for a few?"

It may seem odd, but those who know me know me and if they're at all put off, then I suppose it's an invitation to reassess the level of our friendship. 🤷‍♀️

I think it's good to remember that some people don't want fixing. They like having their own little drama's and we shouldn't take that away from them if they don't ask and doing so can cause resentment. Offering to help like someone else mentioned is fine but I've found that the times I've fixed someone's personal problem for them they just find another one and I'll often feel used or like I wasted my efforts and time, It's hard to remember if you're the kind of person with an instinct to help or fix problems, lots of times people just want you to listen, not fix.

UKGuy

There is nothing wrong with giving unsolicited advice because it can always be either accepted or ignored. However, I would probably not offer it to someone I thought suicidal.

CuddleDuncan

I read recently on the internet about a dad who, when his kid comes home from school in a bit of a state, says, "Do you want me to get involved, give advice, or just listen" and the kid tells him. I think it's a good system.

sunnysideup

I think if someone has a horribly wrong path (when they could be hurting others), it's important to give advice when it's not asked for. Other than that yeah the system of asking if they wanted help seems fine. If advice is unsolicited it's easier to take it the wrong way.

People don't want their problems to exist (some people do like drama/problems though), sure, but mostly people just want to be heard when they vent, after all.

I personally don't mind unsolicited advice generally, as @quixotic_life I like to know what my different options are. But one thing I don't like is when people, after they give unsolicited advice, get angry when I don't follow their advice. It's a (more or less) free country, and I ultimately decide what goes on in my life.

Babichev

There is a common dynamic that occurs between men and women that can be frustrating for both: Often women will tell a man about a difficult experience and they just want to be listened to while a man, upon hearing a woman talk about a difficulty in her life, will want to fix it. I’ve run into this myself. It can be frustrating for both.

I can’t answer the OP with a simple yes or no. I’m reluctant to say “always” or “never,” they are too absolute. I think a better question would be how does one discern when it’s appropriate to give unsolicited advice and when one should just listen? That’s a much more complex question to ponder that depends on lots of variables: how well do you know this person? What is your relationship to them? What is your history with them? What is their history? Are they in imminent danger? How habitually do you give unsolicited advice? How confident are you that the advice you want to give is reliable? How confident are you that it will be welcome?

If someone were habitual about giving unsolicited advice, I would encourage them to refrain from doing it unless there is something seriously at stake. In general, I’d say if in doubt, don’t.

NicoSnuggs

Unsolicited advice is only wrong when men give advice;
I would call something like that “man-splaining!”

Lol jk, I don’t know what made me write something so outlandish.

Wouldn’t it be awful if someone out there hated on a whole gender of people for giving their thoughts,
and even made a generalized word to describe a entire group of members of a whole gender sharing their thoughts?

@NicoSnuggs I do agree with you (if you're being facetious like I think you are). I can't stand the word "mansplaining". There are plenty of women who womansplain, including me. I do think it's ingrained in many men to derive their value from being the hero - the fixer, the provider. I am the fixer/problem solver in my family and I kind of resent it but I perpetuate the cycle so it's probably my own fault.

NicoSnuggs

@MaineCuddle - Yes, you are right, I was being facetious and a bit sarcastic.

I am glad to know that at least someone is on the same page as me, and I am thankful to you for not being afraid to vocalize it.

shannont

I have this issue with my best friends!
I am a bit of an external processor (a term mentioned previously by @quixotic_life) but I don’t always lead with “I just need to vent.” To them it may seem like I’m talking/complaining about the same things repeatedly but it’s just how my brain works sometimes.

I find it a lot easier to sit & listen to others now without jumping into problem-solving after experiencing many sessions of “unsolicited advice” from my besties.

MxSmith

I try to remember to ask "What kind of support would feel good right now?" So as to not suggest the kind of support I want for them. (But I'm guilty not forgetting). Sometimes it just feels like the other person is asking and its hard to remember to take a step back.

Babichev

“Mansplaining” is a phenomenon where a man explains something to a woman that he assumes she doesn’t know precisely because she’s a woman and starts explaining to her without bothering to find out whether she needs an explanation or not. It can also mean just any condescending explaining done to a woman by a man in a way that he would not do to another man. It is not just any ordinary man presenting any ordinary explanation in an appropriate context and manner.

I never particularly liked the word and this may literally be the first time I’ve ever used it mysel but I completely understand the phenomenon and have experienced it way too many times in my life.

I worked as a construction electrician for 13 years, union commercial/industrial. On one job I was paired with two other guys around my age who were quite personable. Our foreman was an incompetent buffoon who gave us contradictory instructions. On top of that, he felt a need to explain everything to me as if I were a first year apprentice. I was a full blown journeywoman electrician with 7 years of experience and quite competent. It was infuriating.

Fortunately for me my two partners turned all the attention to what a buffoon our foreman was and how stupid he was not to recognize I was no less competent than anyone else around me. “Did you see the way he was telling you how to use that bolt connector?” “Yeah, I thought he was going to start showing you how to use a screwdriver!” “Yeah, next thing he’s going to show you how to use a pencil!” And they would get me laughing.

Anyway, that foreman was guilty of mansplaining before we had a word for it.

DaringSprinter

@Babichev: Ah, that makes way more sense as a definition. Thanks for explaining—properly!

KYtransplant

@Babichev Oh yeah! I've pulled into gas staatons to fuel my pickup towing my horse trailer and have had individuals walk over and tell me exactly how I should drive it to get out without hitting the pumps.

I've got this no worries.

The people that are riding with me usually end up laughing their asses off at the sheer irony of that.

JoyfulHeart

I went into a gas station and asked for directions to a place that was in the opposite direction from my destination, then drove out and continued on my way, just to mess with their heads.

Gallowglass

@JoyfulHeart Thanks for representing!