Is my cuddle style weird for the situation?

Amortentia

This is a cuddling place so I feel it might be since I noticed some of my cuddlers were surprised I've been postponing cuddling. The cuddlers I know the most know my birth country is Ukraine and that I still have a lot of family there so they've reached out to cuddle more and check in. Basically, this is when I want to cuddle less as I worry for them and hope they can get to our friends in Poland. Just cuddling only during this time feels like a way of giving up or avoiding the situation. Instead I want my space to focus and plan. Is that...an usual way of handling things? Also, what would be a decent way to turn down cuddling sessions without hurting their feelings which isn't my intent either?

JoyfulHeart

I think it's important to cuddle in a way that works for you. Your explanation here would work for me. Maybe if people have questions you can refer them here.

I wish your family the best, and I wish you the best!

blisscuddles

@Amortentia Here’s hoping for peace and end to this war in Ukraine. The world needs it. Hope your family and friends stay safe. It’s not as easy time to be afar watching this so hopefully others will be considerate to your need for doing what’s best for you.

MrMarkAndrew

Self-care always takes priority @Amortentia

quixotic_life

@Amortentia ~ You are doing what is right for you, and that is all that matters. Perhaps you could copy the link to this thread and put it on your profile, and/or a short note that at this time you aren't taking appointments to allow for needed personal time. That way you can still receive messages of support and care and if anyone misses the memo, you can copy paste it into a reply (so you don't drain yourself with wanting to explain over and over).

Hugs to you and yours. And good job putting your needs first.
🫂🫂🫂

CuddleDuncan

@Amortentia absolutely not weird at all, totally normal and understandable.

It's easy to see why you are postponing cuddling. At a time like this you need headspace, and maybe other kinds of space too. And I think I can understand why continuing to do some cuddling, even if it's less as you say, might feel a bit like 'avoiding' the situation. I would like to offer two thoughts for you to consider or ignore, as you see fit. Firstly, your regular clients get a benefit from seeing you. Sure, they can go to somebody else, but that somebody won't know them as well as you, and it won't be quite the same. If you are up to continuing to cuddle, and you want to, then they will benefit from cuddling you and will appreciate it as they always do. Secondly, you may get something emotional from cuddling, many professionals do. It's part of why they do it. If that includes you, then giving up completely will mean losing that thing. Maybe it's worth it, maybe it isn't, only you can tell.

[Below is the old version of the second para above, which gave rise to the exchanges below.]

However, please note that continuing to cuddle isn't giving up or hiding. Your clients need you, and you need the benefits you get from helping them. These things don't stop just because of the invasion. And even when there is a momentous event in your life, there is no rule that says you have to think about that momentous event for every waking moment. On the contrary, if you have done what there is to do, and thought about what there is to think about, then there is no virtue in not doing other things.

This isn't great, but it's a start and may be helpful:

Dear [client],

Thank you for your enquiry, it's lovely to hear from you. Unfortunately, I'm not able to book any sessions at the moment. As you may know, my birth country is Ukraine and I have family and friends there. Matters connected with the invasion are fully occupying my time and energy , and I am not able to give you and my other cuddlers the attention you need and I would normally like to give you. I'm really sorry.

In the short term, please consider booking one of my colleagues. [Other professionals you know/know of in the area] are all wonderful people and I know they will be able to help you.

If and when the situation improves I will try and come back to you, but I can't say when that will be. Please feel free to check back in a few weeks, but right now I can't even promise a timely reply.

If you would like to help with the situation in Ukraine, [links to a couple of suitable charities/appeals]

Warm hugs,
Amortentia

PS - [personal comment for the person, if you know them]

quixotic_life

edited to spoiler what set off a major derailment. sorry for displaying my occasional insensitivity and lack of a filter.

@CuddleDuncan ~ She clearly stated "Basically, this is when I want to cuddle less..." and "Instead I want my space to focus and plan."

So she get's to do that without having to worry about the needs of others. She get's to do what is right for her without apology for how it may impact others. She get's to not be told how to conduct herself during this time. If she later decides she wants to, she gets to do that too.

Sorry. I didn't make it through your whole post. This just really struck a nerve.

CuddleDuncan

@quixotic_life I don't understand. I am completely supportive of what the OP is trying to achieve.

Nobody ever gets to do anything without considering the needs of others. Unless they are a genuine psychopath, obviously.

I have no idea what nerve I hit.

quixotic_life

edited to spoiler my continued 'attitude' ~

@CuddleDuncan ~ "@Amortentia absolutely not weird at all, totally normal and understandable."

"However, please note that continuing to cuddle isn't giving up or hiding. Your clients need you, and you need the benefits you get from helping them."

That's where I stopped reading.

You may believe you are being supportive, but what you've actually done is told someone that their way of managing their emotions isn't right, that other people need them to be available despite their own needs AND that she needs them too.

You may very well be correct in those assumptions for yourself. But she was clear about how she felt, and wanted to know if there were suggestions for how to communicate these things with her clients (not to be told her self-assessment is incorrect by telling her she should go against what she feels is right for her right now).

Side note - An agreement followed by 'but' or 'however' or 'except', etc are not agreements nor are they supportive. They are simply dismissive. Especially when it comes to one's own feelings about their reality.

Does all that make sense?

desi_babe

@CuddleDuncan the sentence "Your clients need you, and you need the benefits you get from helping them" didn't sit well with me either. To be clear, I think your intent was good; after all, you took the time to draft out a letter that seems to say the opposite of the quoted sentence: Clients, here are a variety of options to fulfill your need for platonic touch while I (OP) am away. What struck me about the quoted sentence was the idea that clients need a specific cuddler, rather than platonic touch. I think it follows the same discussion as no one has a right to platonic touch, just like no client has a right to platonic touch specifically from OP. If a massage therapist takes a leave for their mental health, their clients would seek out a different massage therapist, and I hope that no one would tell the massage therapist that they should continuing working because their clients need them. Why wouldn't we expect the same for a Professional cuddler's clients?

I do have a question regarding the second half the of the sentence: "you need the benefits you get from helping them". Are you speaking of financial benefits?

(Edit: sorry, I didn't mean to pile on - QL's response hadn't loaded while I typed out mine)

@Amortentia my thoughts are with you and the people of Ukraine.
You don't owe anything to anyone, and it is okay to be a little selfish sometimes and put yourself and your needs first.
You can always put an addition at the top of your profile saying you are taking a small break from cuddling.

CuddleDuncan

@quixotic_life
First of all, I did not tell the OP that she should go against what she feels. That's just something you made up.

Secondly, your statement, "An agreement followed by 'but' or 'however' or 'except', etc are not agreements nor are they supportive." is simply false. To save you looking it up:

however, adv.
1. Introducing a subordinate clause
(OED) (my emphasis)

It is true that in certain contexts some people sometimes disingenuously use such words to 'take back' the thing they just gave. That's not what is happening here, as you would have known if you'd actually read my post.

Thirdly, your comment "what you've actually done is told someone that their way of managing their emotions isn't right" is also false. Again, it's something you just made up. The main point of my post, since you missed it, is that the OP's way of managing their emotions seems absolutely right to me, and I entirely support it. I put that in the first sentence, in the hope that it would be spotted there. You being triggered by the second sentence does not negate the first.

In the past several months you have demonstrated an unpleasant and unneccessary enthusiasm for attacking me. This has been particularly saddening for me because you were one of my first friends here. I don't mind, if I deserve it, but I do take exception to you misrepresenting what I've written and then attacking me on the basis of things I haven't said. It's extrememly upsetting.

I'm angry because you're misrepresenting me as being unsupportive, whereas I am in fact completely supportive. I took the time to write a draft message for the OP to send because I know how difficult it can be, in stressful moments, to do even the simplest of tasks, and that any practical help at all can be very powerful. I have no idea if my message will be useful or not, but I thought I'd try and do something to help.

Whatever it is that is triggering you is nothing to do with me. So please stop attacking me for wrongs somebody else did you in the past.

---

@desi_babe thank you. I do see what you mean and I think I might edit that bit once I've figured out a bettter way of saying it. Just to be clear, I was not suggesting that that OP is under some sort of obligation to see the clients even though she doesn't want to.

When we are talking about profesional cuddling I am first and foremost a client. When I first met cuddling I was in a pretty grim state, and my first professional cuddler was very important to me. There was no excessive attachment, but she no longer cuddles and I miss her greatly. I was making an assumption that the OP has similar clients, based on her remarks about how some of them know her background are attempting to be supportive. I now cuddle with a number of professionals and they are all wonderful, but each is different. Cuddlers are not fungible!

To some extent, professional cuddlers (the good ones) do have a duty of care towards their clients. Sometimes, in extreme circumstances, a duty of care just has to be dropped. But if some of it can be caught, it will reduce the harm done at the other end.

When I said "you need the benefits you get from helping them" I was not thinking of finance. All the professional cuddlers I know well get something very worthwhile out of cuddling. Something emotional I mean. Cuddling has a benefit for them. Sometimes, in times of stress, they are not able to cuddle. This causes an emotional loss, particularly keenly felt because it's at a difficult time. For this kind of cuddler, continuing to cuddle a little (if and only if they can) may be beneficial. In other words, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

CuddleDuncan

@desi_babe I have edited my original post. I hope it's better but it's late here and I'm tired, and the words are starting to swim about on the page.

DaringSprinter

@CuddleDuncan: The implications do read heavy here in the States. I was confused by the seeming contradiction between that paragraph and the rest of your original post myself. But the rephrasing makes it all make sense!

I don't know if I've said it before, but I really appreciate the way you handle communication here. It's admirable.

quixotic_life

@CuddleDuncan
"In the past several months you have demonstrated an unpleasant enthusiasm for attacking me."

Proof please.

edited to spoiler even more of my continued 'attitude' ~

Honestly, I just call it like I [just me and myself] see things. If you disagree or think I've made a mistake, you can choose to react in whatever way you find fitting. Apparently in this instance it was to lash out here instead of sending a PM.

however
²archaic
ALTHOUGH
²adverb
in spite of that
on the other hand
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/however

Really, if you want to argue word choice or semantics, maybe consider starting a new thread.

If however [introducing a subordinate clause] you want to accuse me of doing something hurtful (with enthusiasm even) at least have the decency to quote me, and/or link to what you're referencing.

I made a statement about finding what you had said as being problematic and why.
You asked for clarity.
I clarified.
Now you're "angry".

Well, that's on you to deal with. I can't fix whatever past hurts have caused you to react in this way. But I can say I didn't intend to come off harsh, and although I will go back to see what may have triggered you, I'm not going to edit it because it could remove the context of what followed.

edited to fix markup...
adding after many hours:
edited to 'spoiler' my attitude

Yep. Took a look back and my initial comment to you was written with blunt, unapologetic directness. I can see how that could put you on edge. To be clear though, it wasn't my intent to cause you harm, but to shed light on what I see as a continuation of some problematic phrasing in our society. I didn't go about it in a kind or gentle way and for my general lack of decorum I apologize. For pointing out what reads to me as veiled misogyny though I will not. Please understand I don't believe you to be a misogynist. It's a matter of your word choices and phrasing betraying you sometimes. I'm glad you've gone back and fixed it and hope that if there's a next time I'll remember to check my tone before clicking 'post'.

Also I'm leaving my prior comments up as a reminder that I'm human and clearly I have room for improvements to be made too.

CuddleDuncan

Thank you @DaringSprinter, that's very kind.

Amortentia

@JoyfulHeart Thanks. I just worry that I might sound rude since I normally don't decline cuddling sessions. Pros usually try to book everyone they can since for some it may also be their only source of income. Luckily, it isn't for me so I don't worry as much financially. But I also have someone to cuddle with too that isn't a client in case I do need comfort at this time. It is just it does get stressful worrying about family there and managing clients at the same time sometimes. So at times just need space and hope no one gets offended/takes it the wrong way. It might usually sound negative to them and I don't know how to remove that negativity that might come with it.

Amortentia

@blisscuddles yes I agree with you. I am extremely anti-war and want everyone to live peacefully amongs each other. We need to get there some day without anyone having to die.

Amortentia

@MrMarkAndrew True indeed. I just don't want anyone feeling unwanted/ignored when I just need to recharge for a bit.

Amortentia

@quixotic_life

You are doing what is right for you, and that is all that matters. Perhaps you could copy the link to this thread and put it on your profile, and/or a short note that at this time you aren't taking appointments to allow for needed personal time. That way you can still receive messages of support and care and if anyone misses the memo, you can copy paste it into a reply (so you don't drain yourself with wanting to explain over and over). Hugs to you and yours. And good job putting your needs first.

Yeah, I might consider that. I've done a similar note before too when I would not be available for cuddling because of some reason but it did get ignored at times since I noticed some people don't really read the profiles at all. So there are positives and negatives with that but it does still help in the end since it works with some. And sending hugs your way too!

Amortentia

@CuddleDuncan By the way I got to see your unedited post here as my last post in this thread before leaving for a bit. I do see it caused a stir now after returning. Just know that I understood what you meant in the unedited version even if the wording was worded in such a way that it could throw people off. So no worries your post was fine!

I would like to offer two thoughts for you to consider or ignore, as you see fit. Firstly, your regular clients get a benefit from seeing you. Sure, they can go to somebody else, but that somebody won't know them as well as you, and it won't be quite the same. If you are up to continuing to cuddle, and you want to, then they will benefit from cuddling you and will appreciate it as they always do. Secondly, you may get something emotional from cuddling, many professionals do. It's part of why they do it. If that includes you, then giving up completely will mean losing that thing. Maybe it's worth it, maybe it isn't, only you can tell.

True. I do see/feel that my regular clients get a benefit from cuddling which is also why I worry they might think their needs no longer matter or that I will never cuddle again. Which isn't true. I will get back up if I'm down. It is only a matter of time. Just want them to think that she just needs to recharge to continue her work with clients instead of anything negative at all if I will temporarily turn down a session.

Your letter example makes me think of when people who go on vacation and someone emails them that the system emails you back a message saying they won't return until a certain day to respond lol which could be useful here. If no one knows what I'm talking about then never mind lol I send too many emails for my normal work so I see those "away" emails lol

quixotic_life

@CuddleDuncan ~

Those are perfect revisions! I'm glad in the end you seem to have understood what I was getting at, even though it wasn't me who was able communicate those points effectively.
Sweet Dreams.

Adding: Ha! And in the end the intended recipient was picking up what you were putting down without taking issue all along.

Still though, it's something to be aware of for future posts since you do seem to genuinely want what's best for everyone and are an advocate like no other about appropriate cuddling protocols.

edited to spoiler my continuation of thread derailment... though it does contain a decent tone shift...

Amortentia

@Gabriel2k

You don't owe anything to anyone, and it is okay to be a little selfish sometimes and put yourself and your needs first. You can always put an addition at the top of your profile saying you are taking a small break from cuddling.

Yes, I do think it is ok to be a little selfish. It is part of personal self care I think. Just not too much of course since it can lead to some not caring about others at all and I do enjoy offering support/help to others in any way I can.

@Amortentia You can never have too much self care. Picture a multitiered chocolate fountain. The crock holds the chocolate, you are the top tier, the clients are the tiers under you, the chocolate flows to the top, and overflows, spilling over your clients and back to the crock, and ultimately comes back to you. ie: chocolate is self-care. The more the better.