Why I Said No

BlueIris

You messaged me this afternoon for the first time. You asked if you could meet me at 5 pm today for a session. That was all of 4 hours advance notice. That was the entirety of your message.

Let's see what was wrong with that and why I said no.

1. No introduction, no “hello,” no hint of why you chose me to write to me, just jumped abruptly into the “are you available today.” That shows a lack of manners, to say the least.
2. You couldn't be bothered to take 60 seconds to read my profile, where I state: “Please know that I'm extremely selective, and if you want to meet me, you have to put in the time to get to know me first. This is nonnegotiable. I'll put you through a rigorous, time consuming vetting process. If you're in a hurry, keep looking and good luck with that.” (Emphasis added.)
3. Your profile is a minimal effort profile. Only a few lines about yourself. Not confidence inspiring.
4. You are new to the site; you have no friends, no karma, and clearly made no effort to get on the forum to read and find out what is acceptable behavior and what isn't.
5. I'm not a pro cuddler and am not here to provide instant cuddle gratification to whoever writes to me. In particular, I'm never going to meet any stranger within a few hours of him messaging me. See excerpt from my profile above.
6. In case you're blithely unaware of it, women have safety and security issues, and most of us will not jump to meet a complete stranger off the internet at the last minute.
7. I told you I'm not a pro cuddler and you quickly messaged back “can we meet on another day.” I did not respond, but again, NO. If you can't even be bothered to read profiles, that means you have no respect for boundaries. If you have no respect for boundaries, I have no interest in you.
8. You messaged me a third time because I did not respond. This crashing hurry that you're in is not confidence inspiring. It's more suggestive of someone who's horny than someone who's interested in a platonic cuddle.

I'm posting this on the forum so that those of you who are having a difficult time connecting with someone might learn from this. Guys like this and messages like these are part of the reason why I've been inactive for most of the past four years. It gets very, very old.

achetocuddle

It does get old. I wonder why they think acting the way you describe will work.

CuddleWho

Back when I was actually trying to connect with enthusiasts I never did anything like this. Always sent a polite little intro, referenced something in her profile, and sent a couple pictures.

Never got a response after sending dozens of messages and eventually I gave up.

No interest in cuddling with an enthusiast now. I actually have since then occasionally received messages from female enthusiasts and I politely respond but never pursue cuddles with them.

I understand receiving low effort messages is not fun but honestly it’s hard to relate to your feelings on this. Can’t you just ignore or delete such a message and move on? You realize the large majority of men on this site have never received a single message from someone who wasn’t trying to make money off them, right?

sunnysideup

With the ratio as skewed as it is, messages like those described above only help me stand out.

It is unfortunate that it’s a cause for many leaving the site though.

@BlueIris exactly why I put my profile on mute sometimes and rewrote my bio like seven times.

The ones that I do meet are the best of the best and respect me as a person .

BlueIris

@KYtranspant I've rewritten my profile plenty, but there are always people who don't read it. I've probably vetted hundreds of people over the years on here but have met less than two dozen in person. The ones I've met have been 100% polite, and there was never a red flag in their communications to me ever. They're also among the best people ever, and I'm still in touch with a handful of them. They are the benchmark against whom I compare everyone else's communications.

achetocuddle

@KYtranspant Lol. I've rewritten my bio several times also. I've told a couple of guys who send me a nice message that I suppose maybe my current bio sounds harsh, but they say it doesn't. I've had several people say they like it. I just know I'm not gonna lighten it up.

I'm an empathetic person, but once in a while I have trouble relating to what it is like for some others. Tho I have considered how disheartening it would be to send a lot of messages and get few to no answers. That is it's own kind of disappointment. Knowing that some others are having trouble connecting with someone doesn't keep me from getting tired of the demoralizing messages I get.

@BlueIris I believe your message will help a few people. I have chatted with a few people who turned out to be keepers, at least for chatting, but genuinely didn't know how to compose a good starter message. Thanks for this thread.

I support your post OP!
As a pro, ain’t nothing as annoying as someone disrespecting the basic boundary of not reading my profile.

Know your audience. If you message someone who has stated what they expect & you ignore it, you’re likely to get an ass chewing.
I don’t like to be cruel but it’s also not a problem of the messages turn harassing.

Rezz

@CuddleWho

" I understand receiving low effort messages is not fun but honestly it’s hard to relate to your feelings on this. Can’t you just ignore or delete such a message and move on? You realize the large majority of men on this site have never received a single message from someone who wasn’t trying to make money off them, right?"

You don't need to relate to her feelings on this. She's posting her personal experiences and why men here may find it hard to connecting with a female enthusiast. The behavior she's describing drives female enthusiasts from the site, making them jaded, less likely to log in, read messages and/or respond. It goes beyond low effort messages. The behavior she's describing is precisely why even the most genuine men here have such a difficult time finding an enthusiast.

Having basic courtesy, reading profiles, and treating all women here whether a pro or an enthusiast with some respect goes a LONG way.
I've experienced much of what she described and as a pro even I won't take their money. I turn down way more cuddlers than I accept.

Shake

I think @simsaddict summed it up best my fellow dudes

Know your audience.

Cut from that same cloth, context clues are your bff. If all the facts you have are pointing to "mmm, she probably won't like that" then don't do it. Atleast ask politely. Actually if you know for a fact what your asking is off, don't do it at all. Never underestimate your own ability to read atmosphere.

CuddleWho

@Rezz

Well, sure, of course she's free to post her personal experiences. Fine.

But I've seen this assertion before

The behavior she's describing is precisely why even the most genuine men here have such a difficult time finding an enthusiast

and it seems completely backwards to me. Let's make a simplifying assumption that men can be cleanly divided into 1. genuine men, and 2. shitheads. Now we all know enthusiast men dramatically outnumber enthusiast women. If every man on the site were a genuine man, who sent polite and reasonable opening messages... wouldn't that make it harder for genuine men to stand out? Wouldn't that mean enthusiast women have dozens of perfectly reasonable potential cuddle partners?

As opposed to the actual situation in reality, where apparently the majority of men are shitheads... shouldn't that make it easier for genuine men to stand out? If so many men are so shockingly bad and send such insanely bad opening messages... why don't they reply to the good ones?

Shake

@CuddleWho I think the unknown is precisely the problem dude. Most of this is online. There's only so many vibes one can pick up on over a screen. Some are people are sneaky & don't show their cards until that door to meeting face to face is open & by that point, it's too late. If every guy here had genuine intentions, it'd be MUCH easier for good to stand out because good is all there'd be. I imagine there'd be alot more women here in that world too because the dread of bad intentions would be gone.

Rezz

@CuddleWho

Because the enthusiasts get overwhelmed and sick of reading inappropriate requests, members not reading profiles, etc.

Men outnumber women here by a longshot.
Women are inundated with messages as soon as their profile is approved. Compound the sheer number of messages received with them being completely inappropriate or lacking any substance and you will find it very hard to keep active female enthusiasts here.

She's posting from experience what could essentially help men here. Rather than say I can't empathize, maybe just listen even if it doesn't apply to you.

pmvines

@CuddleWho I think what happens is the more shitheads , the more discouraged and overwhelmed the women get . That doesn't lead to folks sticking out who arent shitheads . It leads to the likelihood of folks being ignored due to shithead overload. Too many bad apples spoiling things . I hear men getting upset with women not responding . And I can empathize with that. What they should.be more upset with are the plethora of shitheads .

BlueIris

I can only speak for myself. I respond to all the polite messages I get where the sender seems to have read my profile and doesn't make any ridiculous requests. I do not respond to low effort messages which make it clear they didn't read the profile and/or have one or more parameters outside of my stated preferences. For example, not within my stated age preference, not within my stated distance preference, wanting to skip getting to know me first. Don't read the profile, don't follow the requirements and you don't get a response.

IggyJReilly55

Nm

achetocuddle

@Shake49 Very well said.

Some folks, bless their hearts, seem to enjoy little power grabs by making you address them just so if you’re to be one of the lucky ones who gets the honor of being considered for a cuddle. Others, simply shoot them a one line message and a few hours later you’re enjoying an amazing cuddling session together. Love both perspectives, diverse thought makes the world a beautiful place 😊.

Catloaf

A username I was so happy to see, and had to double check it was really you.

Welcome back. Or at least, hello. Those of us who remember you definitely missed you and agree. And as always, aptly and perfectly communicated and put. I've been inactive too, partly due to a new career in corporate life driving most of my goals which has taken up so much of my time and energy. But maybe this post has made me realize after 5 1/2 years in the scene and some of those spent away even, that I've gotten tired of bad actors too.

I don't blame you one bit.

BlueIris

@Catloaf - Thanks so much, dear! Yes, it's been a very long time since I've been on here. Thanks for the kind words. Hugs!!

It's not so much that I think the guy who sent me that message was necessarily a bad guy. He could be perfectly nice but just clueless. The whole point was to hopefully educate some of the guys on here why that message was totally inappropriate. And to drive home the point: read the profiles!!

quixotic_life

@BlueIris ~ Thank you for articulating all that.

Though I think... "If you can't even be bothered to read profiles..." means they have little reguard for you as a person (vs boundary respect) but either which way I hope getting to vent some helped a little. Helped you that is. If some jackass reads it and picks up clues for how to get through, that's not a plus in my book. Personally, I'm pretty content when they show up and near instantly invite mods to show them the exit. So obnoxious!! But still thank you. I felt some validation and affirmation in reading your words. ♡

BlueIris

@quixotic_life Thanks for the kind words.

Trust me, the guys who are trying to be deceptive aren't that good at it for the most part. Just reading the profile isn't nearly enough. I've been vetting and profiling guys on this and other sites for years and have picked up a lot of skills in reading people and reading between the lines. There are plenty of things -- some incredibly minor -- that tip me off that I'll never mention on a public forum for that very reason.

OhioMike

@Catloaf i did same when saw @BlueIris user name . Holy crap some awesome flashbacks happened 😳

So good to see you here on forums @BlueIris your common sense always needed on here !

@Shake49 @pmvines love your posts here ! 💯

BlueIris

@OhioMike It's like a high school reunion tonight!! Hey, @FunCartel where you at?

Mike, thanks for your kind words!! I've missed you!! @pmvines is always the voice of reason. 😊

OhioMike

@BlueIris high school reunion! That’s hilarious 🤣. @FunCartel is probably packing for St. Louis meet and greet or traveling somewhere tonight!!! That dude never stops 🤗

samfiddle

Meh, excuse me if dont take the time to put extra effort into getting rejected endlessly.

@samfiddle Could be just something as simple as a standard introduction cut and pasted after you have read thier profile.

Frustrating here too. But obviously for different reasons.

MissAdventurous

You are always so precise, agreed. @BlueIris

samfiddle

@KYtransplant nah im good. I used to write everyone their own message each time, copy/paste felt icky and objectifying, but im no longer in the business of boosting others ego at my own expense.
This website is nothing but a way for the popular to flex on the unwanted. So excuse us peasants if we're not going to write an essay in the hope of being found worthy enough for a crumb of affection.

HogboblinZwei

@samfiddle

Have you considered not whining incessantly? It seems like whenever you pop up on the forum it's to throw a pity party—I hate to imagine what your private messages must be like.

The OP's post was pretty good, and provides some useful insights. Your sad boy shtick contributes nothing, unless you simply desire attention. In which case: here you go. Have fun.

Babichev

I just ignore the non-messages. They’ve already shown me they are too clueless to be a good cuddle buddy.

I’ve got it pretty clearly spelled out on my profile what someone needs to do to get a response from me. If they genuinely don’t realize they need to start a conversation and get to know me, I’ve already laid that out for them.

Fortunately, now and then there’s that rare individual who actually has read my profile and took the effort to start an interesting conversation. Too bad that the vast majority live too far away to cuddle!

It’s always something.