disappointed....

Melancholy

I recommended this site to a female friend cause she's lonely and lives out of state and just wants cuddles.
But the first guy she sees from the site who has karma from pro cuddlers....kept groping her and touching her under her shirt.
The problem is, she couldn't stop him. Some women aren't able to stop a guy because of some kind of abuse they've had in the past or inability to confront someone who is doing something they don't want. They are too afraid of the guy getting angry at them etc.
I feel bad that I recommended this site to her now. I know its not my fault but I still feel guilty.
I told her to only see someone with karma..but that wasn't enough.

RaveHeart

Tell her to report what happened to the admins and they will deep 6 his account and hopefully he can never do that again. That really burns me up. I hope she comes out okay.

sunnysideup

That makes me angry, and also frustrated, because there's nothing I can do about it.

I hope she reported his ass to 911 (that is sexual assault). And not your fault. I think most folks on the forum are genuine for the most part.

I think some professionals have said that after they turned professional, it was easier to have hard guidelines in place. Makes it more likely for bad actors to behave when money is exchanged for some reason.

Shake

You only feel guilty because you're a good person, and was trying to do something nice for your friend. Like you said, your not at fault here, and I'll let you hear it from the mouth of another person as many times as you need. The only one here that should feel at fault here is that guy. Hope he's caught. I can't claim to understand what your friend is feeling right now, but I can still empathize 💓

IsMeArrggh

Yes you shouldn’t feel bad but we should all be angry. That is sexual abuse and it should be reported. If he’s a deviant his actions will progress. Unfortunately many of us here have trauma and that leaves us vulnerable for abuse. Thankfully you see many of us are here for each other to hopefully help protect and assist each other. Sorry to hear this happened.

Cuddle_RN

Please feel free to point your friend in my direction. I had a similar experience and a similar reaction.

Melancholy

Ok I will tell her to message you if she wants to talk to someone about it.

Hbang

I had a very weird experience last evening. Was Planning to meet someone but when we exchanged telephone numbers he said I was someone else🤔 I tried reassuring him that this wasn't the case..this from a person who doesn't have much on his profile and refused to share a photo.. ..I gave him benefit of the doubt thinking that perhaps I was being too picky etc..Despite voicing his mistrust he still insisted on meeting🤔🤔 Asked me what I thought about his idea of getting a place for cuddling and when I mentioned I cannot just jump to cuddling without knowing much about a person and having some sort of a positive connection he verbally agreed and said he was willing to meet. I suggested then that since it was late we could meet the next day..He kept insisting to meet right away.. Although initially he said he was too far away then not so far away...and why did I ask him where he was located 🤔 By this time I started feeling scared and anxious. I excused myself. Afterwards my own traumas kicked in full blast🥴 Had to deactivate my account last night as I couldn't wrap my head around this experience. I am not suspicious by nature...at all. I felt horrible thinking perhaps I did something wrong, like why do I trust people so very easily 🥴....Now I am angry .... Perhaps not the right place to share this but whatever 😞 my apologies for this long story...

GreatHornedOwl

@sunnysideup Unfortunately, it sounds as if she made no attempt to stop him, and probably didn't tell him no. If so, then it most likely would meet the legal definition of sexual assault.

CuddleDuncan

@Hbang I'm sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact it sounds like you did everything you could to help the guy. This is absolutely the right place to talk about such things, and it's not a long story at all. Tales like these always make me sad but it's very important that they are told in public.

If you haven't already, please Report him. It doesn't appear that he is in the right headspace to be a cuddle client.

SunsetSnuggles

@GreatHornedOwl It is the freeze response. This is why continuous verbal consent is so important.

~ Sunset Snuggles

achetocuddle

@Hbang I'm very sorry that happened to you. Don't let any shifty person make you feel bad. It can be hard to vet people. Right or wrong, I do think it is better to have a sort of guilty til proven innocent type of approach. Your experience makes me wish I had been within reach of your phone last night. I would have sent him packing stat! I hope you feel better soon. I know that is a lame statement that doesn't hurry your process of putting it behind you. I vet the h*ll out of every person I cuddle and very nearly make them work for their cuddle. I don't care what the people that drop out think. This is blunt, but sometimes blunt gets the job done, and more importantly, can keep you safe!

@Melancholy These posters are right. You should not feel bad.

Don't feel funny about saying no in any warranted situation. If you are not sure SAY NO. And don't let anyone try to BS you about you aren't a nice person if you do. If they think you are not nice, you must be on the right track. This goes for any human being, not just women.

I truly hope this is message is a plus for this thread and helps someone.

P.S. And while you are at it, say no once, then hang up or walk away. Don't explain yourself. This may not be the best for everyone, but it has served me well here and IRL.

Hbang

@achetocuddle and @CuddleDuncan thank you🤗🤗

Peony84

How do you report someone?

CuddleDuncan

@Peony84 on their profile look for the 3 dots button. Click on it, and Report is one of the options. If they have blocked you, use the Forum Rules and Your Moderators sticky to send a message to one of the mods: @SuperManCuddles @reurbo and @Babichev are the most active at the moment, but any significant action is discussed amongst the mods before it happens.

If in doubt, Report. The mods consider all reports carefully. Sometimes it's helpful for them to have eyes on somebody so they can observe a pattern of behaviour. The reportee gets a chance to give their side of the story and indeed a chance to appeal if they are banned. Banning is a last resort, and there are other sanctions available such as a warning or forum timeout.

Peony84

@CuddleDuncan Thank you. Does anyone every admitt if they did something wrong. At this point it feels like it could just make things worse and I just know I need to do better next time.

sunnysideup

@Peony84 Reporting a bad actor helps the next person out, so they can hopefully get banned. Bad actors rarely admit/reconcile what they did, but they're not entitled to your forgiveness if they did something inapproriate. You are entitled to report them. But if you're uncomfortable reporting someone, you're not forced to, either. Reporting is anonymous, right?

I'm not sure if this helped at all or just confused more.

Peony84

@sunnysideup how is anonymous if they are going to ask them. They will figure it out.

sunnysideup

@Peony84 ah okay. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m sorry for what you went through.

RadiantHugs

@Peony84 I'm sorry for whatever might have happened to you! I agree with the others, please report anyone if they behaved badly. If you don't, you'll just empower them to hurt someone else.

TheMidnightOwl

Horrible. What she experienced is called the freeze and/or fawning trauma response, which is automatic and not a conscious choice, to a sex assault. Which is extremely common in trauma survivors. It’s also complying to survive a traumatic experience, which is NOT synonymous with consent. One often does whatever it takes to get through a traumatic experience whilst trying to minimize escalating the danger and further trauma. Fighting back often leads to more intense trauma from increased force.

And for all the doubters out there, welcome to the repeated experience of sooooooo many women here. And why so many become hesitant to meet anymore and often eventually just give up, stop reading/responding to messages, and deactivate or delete their accounts. We join this site to have our touch needs met in what should be a situation free from sexual pressure, and yet get sexually violated. Repeatedly.

We do our vetting. We spend an exorbitant amount of time looking for red flags to weed out the “bad apples,” and try to get to know people before meeting in person to perceive any hint of potential danger, and yet this kind of experience still happens. Again and again for many of us. And then when our walls get built higher and higher in an attempt to protect ourselves from repeated harm in a space that is supposed to be free from sexual or romantic pressure, we’re publicly and privately shamed by many men for doing so.

This is not every man I’ve met here. But it is so many I’ve lost count. And why I can’t remember the last time I went on an in-person meetup.

Reporting is not completely anonymous as the mods will know you are the reporter, but the perp won’t be told who it was but sometimes they can figure it out. But it seems that at least the few mods I’ve spoken with about this topic are very understanding about who is truly guilty of wrongdoing in these situations, even if we have a freeze and/or fawn response, which some routinely mistake as consent. Consider reporting to help establish a pattern. It is extremely rare that people who violate our boundaries and/or commit crimes against us have only done this to us and no one else.

Peony84

@TheMidnightOwl

You are 100% correct about "freeze and/or fawning trauma response" I was able to get a couple of "No thanks" out but let other things slide in hopes to not cause to may problems.

It's my fault I didn't vet well at all. He had 3 karma from pro cuddles so I thought I would be ok, thankfully it was in a hotel room (more public) than in a home.

I reported him.

achetocuddle

@Peony84 NOT your fault. None of it. I'm sad to know this happened to you.

Catloaf

@Peony84 It is one thing to take responsibility for one's vetting process however I'm here hand in hand with @achetocuddle that it is NOT your fault. It has happened to so many of us as well, and though we may have freezed and not known what to do in the moment, it is not something to apologize for when someone else who should damn well know better, took advantage of you.

Thank you for reporting and please continue if you even get the slightest gut feeling! Mods will look into if there is a problematic history, or at least keep a watch. They are so vigilant about keeping the site safe.

achetocuddle

@Catloaf @Peony84 True. We do have to take responsibility for own vetting. I did not mean to imply otherwise. Catloaf said I what I wanted to say and knew how to articulate it. I'm glad she spoke up.

This is just terrible. I don't know what to say. Unspeakably disturbing. I'm so sorry for all who have this happen to them.

Babichev

Moderator here - and I can shed some light to those unfamiliar with how reporting goes.

If in doubt, there’s seldom harm in reporting, especially if you’re new. Looking back to when I was new, I realize now that my sense of what was not okay was generally reliable. The moderators are pretty good about having a sense of what needs action and what doesn’t. AND if something seems maybe not actionable at this moment, at least there is a record and if it happens again, then we know this person has done something more than once.

We don’t tell the person who reported them. However, there are some reports that require us to ask them questions about a specific event and in that case they will know who reported them. Often we don’t feel a need for a specific inquiry, we just issue a warning or ban them. In this case, the other party is not named to them but they may figure it out based on timing. So, in practice, it’s mostly anonymous to the person being reported but not completely. This keeps some people from reporting for fear of retaliation. I would point out that when bad actors are not reported, they able to do it to others until they are reported. If someone had reported them before they got to you, they would have saved you from having a bad experience.

Karma is not, unfortunately, a reliable indicator. An individual may be perfectly fine with one person and awful with another. People who are predatory are good at sensing when someone is vulnerable. People who are new are particularly vulnerable and they know it. Also, sometimes they will behave the first time or two and then, when they know that person is comfortable with them, they start pushing boundaries. This is one way they get good karma initially.

Humans being what they are, there is no way to guarantee a safe space. I would say that probably the safest route would be to book a session with an experienced and reputable pro. It’s up to all of us to practice due diligence when agreeing to put ourselves into such a vulnerable position with another person, practice good boundaries, and report members who misbehave.

@Melancholy , I’m sorry your friend had a bad experience. I would feel bad, too. I hope down the line they are able to have a better one but it is frustrating. It’s not easy to find good cuddle buddies.

TheMidnightOwl

@Peony84
I’m so glad you have an understanding of these concepts. It can help so much. And I’m so sad this happened to you and that you’re feeling even a hint of responsibility. And sorrow for @Melancholy ’s friend. And everyone else who has dealt with this BS on or off the site. It was not your fault. Do soak up all the compassionate responses given for your terrible experience.

Another way to improve the site. Mods who monitor the forums - when members speak up about sex assaults/harassment they’ve experienced here, it would be kind and wise to reach out privately to those people to open up a dialogue about what was disclosed and give another opportunity to report the bad actors in a way that is less intimidating than filing an official report on that person’s profile which also triggers a record that we have visited that person's profile again after the encounter that we are reporting. Which can also be a dead giveaway on who reported them. It’s also caring and compassionate for people who are encountering traumatic experiences here.

sunnysideup

@TheMidnightOwl All those things you pointed out are all red flags that more women (and even men for that matter) should share with each other. I think someone expressed concern about not letting this be public for just anyone to read, maybe people should PM eachother for tips or what have you.

Unfortunately, one can never be 100% sure 100% of the time. Sometimes you get fooled once. Try not to get fooled twice.

KYtransplant

The other thing that escapes some individuals is consent MUST BE ONGOING even if given initially.

And consent may be revoked at ANY TIME for ANY REASON.

Never assume because someone was comfortable with a touch initially they will continue to be.

Unless it is a clear enthusiastic verbal yes, it is a NO. It is a absolute NO.

Even if they are silent. Even if it was acceptable in prior visits.

My heart is with your friend.

Klaws

May I ask why she chose to use someone that wasn't a professional cuddler? Karma or not, I don't think I would trust anyone that didn't have something to lose on here.