Greetings, mortals! My name is Pixels the Tale Keeper, an assortment of words on your screen crafted to make you visualize things as if you are right there in the room with them. Now, let's face it, some of you that have encountered my creator before have probably read the name & convinced yourself that whatever you are about to read is completely nonsensical & ridiculous. Allow me to assure you that the tale you are about to read is, at its heart, a cautionary tale about a cat that chose a dangerous road, and fell down a slippery slope. This is the tale of...
The Kitten whom became too Smitten
Our tale begins in an endless void as far the eye can stretch, coated in fluffy white clouds. Inside was a soft black fur cat with big yellow eyes, a knitted sweater around his tiny body, and even tinier boots over his paws. Before him was a mysterious blob made up of a strange glowing green liquid. At its center, was a single blue eye, round as a marble, at it looked directly at the cat. "Where am I?" Asked the cat.
"Why... you're in Purgatory." The blob replied. A pair of tendrils emerged from its body that behaved like arms. "I am Xyla Puddles, overseer of souls. I'm afraid you were just banned from your cuddle community and have passed on here to recieve judgement."
The cat cocked his head to the side as his tail briefly lifted up, then gently returned down. "Judgement?"
"Indeed. We count down all the red flags, and rate them on a scale from redeemable to yikes. Prove yourself redeemable, and you get to enter the realm above. Prove yourself otherwise, and well, you really don't want to go to the realm below."
The cat's eyes expressed his sudden discomfort. "Wait! What's waiting for me down below?"
"Essentially Cuddle Hell." Xyla explained. "Not really supposed to go into detail, but it's a beautiful meadow... that happens to be filled with billions of touch deprived porcupines."
"Oh God!"
"Quite the opposite actually." They said casually & way too cheerfully. "Thankfully I'm immune to their pricks thanks to my unique biology, so I'm good whenever I have to toss someone down there."
"You DO seem very mysterious. What... exactly is that you're made of?"
"Thank you, but we're getting off topic. Let's see if we can clear things up for you, one moment." Xyla reached inside themself & pulled out a clipboard & monocle. They quickly placed the monocle over their one eye, & examined the papers on the clipboard. "Oh dear... Seems you've been placed in your own category, labeled 'just the worst'."
The cat's ears twitched. "Well that can't be right."
"No worries. I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of this. Let's go over a few of the dozen offences listed & see what's what."
"Ok..."
Xyla's marbled eye moved their gaze up & down the clipboard & had a slow blink. "Uh oh..." they blinked again. The cat became nervous. "Did you send your cuddle buddy a picture of your whittle paws?"
"I'm not sure I understand the problem. People love cat pictures, & just look at these little boots I'm wearing. Should I really apologize for art?"
"Yes well, the boots aren't the issue. You didn't exactly send a picture wearing the boots, now did you? Not really community edicate. Am I to understand this is after your cuddle buddy didn't share your sentiment about fur on fur touch?"
"It WOULD feel better though, right? I mean would you rather pet a critter with a sweater or feel the soft fur against your hand?" The cat sat with that for a moment as he looked at Xyla's tendrils. "Or... tentacle things."
The pair stared at each other for a moment before Xyla finally looked down to their clipboard again. "Perhaps we should move on. Now I understand you got into a little public spat with a pro?"
The cat narrowed his yellow eyes. "Is that a ban worthy offense?"
"No, but I understand you sent a... particularly nasty message to the pro in DMs." Xyla replied.
"Uh... no comment." Replied the cat.
"I believe you said, and I'm quoting directly here, 'meow meow meow meow'."
"Please make sure your superiors know I didn't comment, Xyla!"
"Mr. Boots, we take threats like that very seriously."
"If you saw the prices that pro was charging, then you'd see it wasn't an overreaction."
"Uh ohhh, I know where this is going. I'm still finding little fires from the last flame war. Let's just skip to what's important. Regardless of your opinions, you have to admit what you said here was way out of line. Try to remember it is YOU who sought them out in the first place, not the other way around." When the cat opened his mouth to hiss, Xyla interrupted his tone. "Am I to understand you're no longer 'no comment'?"
"Ehhhh...! Actually mind scrubbing my name from the record?"
Xyla returned their attention to their clipboard. "I see... Wonderful, shall we continue then? Speaking of rates, I understand you actually ghosted a poor soul who was willing to pay you for cuddles? This was from an alternate account too... Interesting. He's very distraught, this cuddler. How would you feel from such an act?"
"The rip off or ghosting? I DO understand the sting of being ignored..."
You could tell by the look in their eye, it was like a lightbulb appeared over Xyla. "Oh! There's actually a complaint about that. Hang on. ... Mr. Boots! MORE naughty pictures?! This is too much."
"She hadn't responded for 30 whole minutes. Naturally, I had to take swift & immediate action."
"Mhm... Let's wrap this up with one more shall we? Well uh... hehe. We... hahaha! I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" They couldn't stop laughing. "You have to be a troll, this CAN'T be for real."
"What? WHAT???"
"Was your username really Fluffyboots69?"
Mr. Boots stared at the creature. "What's the problem?"
Xyla looked up from their clipboard and blinked once slowly during the silence. "You don't see the problem with your username?"
"A silly name & a number paying tribute to my grandfather's birthday. General Boots, they called him."
"Well this is certainly awkward. The problem lies with the number itself I'm afraid."
"Rude! I mean the AUDACITY! Lot's of people have random numbers in their username, and mine is a loving tribute to a great man. I don't see you going after numbers like 123 or 49."
"49 is an excellent number, and a subtle loving reference to the Miles Morales Spider-Man. 69, well, is traditionally... just very dirty."
"Ya know what's dirty? This establishment!" Declared the cat. "What have I done to deserve being booted from such a place?!"
Xyla glanced down at their clipboard one more time. "I'm pretty sure I'm reading a list of reasons why..."
However the cat wouldn't hear it. "Well you haven't seen the last of me, I tell you! The people have a right to know. You will RUE the day you messed with me, meow meow! I'm going to let everyone know exactly what kind of establishment your running... all 30 of my followers on YouTube."
And so ends the tragic tale of Mr. Boots. Some say he picks pricks from his fur to this very day!!! If you've made it this far, thank you so much for your time. This is Pixels the Tale Keeper signing off. Remember to follow the rules, & respect one another. You never know when the next soul to join the porcupines could be your own...