**So started typing this out and it became something between ramblings of a long ass diary post and an inner monologue essay pondering my feelings. lol
So real talk on your first cuddling session and the head space it placed you in after.
I'm sure I have similarities behind my reasons for joining the site as others. I shut down years ago trying to meet someone on any type of dating site. I'm not the person to go out into the world to do things that allow me to meet new like minded people. I'm a geek so dating almost always existed exclusively online. To get to a point of cuddling, affection, basic human contact not derived from an occasional hug from family or friend takes work, time, and effort. A long time ago that drive to actively seek it out dried up for me. I wasn't in a place in my life where trying to date or seeking that outside affection just wasn't in the books for me.
During that time, still up to now it does not mean I didn't want a connection to be touched, held, gripped tightly in a close embrace. But as Spock would say for me at least, it hasn't been logical to attempt to seek it out.
Let's fast forward. I moved to a region with a huge population density compared to where I was. I had heard of cuddling connection sites before but now I finally looked it up. Created a blank account to look at profiles, read faq, search and discover what this form of cuddling connection is about.
After lurking casally for months, I got the courage to at least fill out my profile. Add a picture, just a little text description with enough to hopefully get me started. Reached out to see about setting up a booking and ended up set a time a few days away which gave me time to dive deeper into the forums, videos, other sites and reading experiences good, bland, and bad before my first session.
The day arrives. My room and myself is as clean as it was going to be. I had read a forum post here that said don't go into a session with halitosis. I was like *hit I haven't been in a situation of being that close to a person in years. So I put extra effort in dental care the last few days before.
For my first ever session, sitting there before anything starts while making small talk with a huge rush of my own awkwardness as it is with meeting a new person face to face with the intentions of sharing an close intimate experience in the sense of breaking that personal boundary of touch from someone just meeting face to face which is how we chose to meet.
Not getting into the actual session but it was a positive experience. Afterwards it left me pondering a lot in my head. It's hard to explain but it was like exposing my soul on a plate and offering or maybe handing it to someone while trying to make a human, or maybe personal, connection through touch and warmth. Thats coming from all previous experinces of touch could only come after a period courtship or sex.
For me at least it left me with a feeling of deep scaredness. Not scared about the person I was with but for the future of meeting other people on the site to seek more human connection through cuddling. What it means to expose my most inner self, or maybe it's more from the feelings of what it means to open myself to being touched. Since before that moment being touched ment being loved or thinking or wishing you were loved by a partner or person you're in bed with.
I was not expecting or had the notion of the deep questions for myself I was left with after. Do I want to allow myself to feel that with someone else I may just meet once? Do I want to feel that way over the possibility of multiple experiences on this site? I don't think I can answer that right now.
I still do not have a drive to spend the energy and emotional toll to seek out anything like dating for that kind of connection at the moment. So where does that leave me if I feel that feeling of being touch starved again? I sat on that feeling for years without it really bothering me. I could fall right back into it and keep to myself in my own little bubble I stay in day to day.
I didn't mean to write an entire essay this morning but I read a lot of forum posts here. If someone could at least understand my ramblings of where I'm coming from, it's someone here. Not my first time writing where once it starts flowing it keeps writing itself. If this gets comments I'm not usually bad at replying but I appreciate you taking the time to read it.