What makes you stay?

SunsetSnuggles

Hey guys.

This may be a controversial topic, but it's been on my mind a lot since I joined a month and a half ago.

I have met quite a few of you who are in a relationship that no longer includes physical affection of any kind. I find it heartbreaking, but I also recognize that I've never been married, I don't have kids, and I simply haven't been through it...

So I'm honestly asking, because I want to understand...what makes you stay? I'm not suggesting that you should leave, and I'm not even trying to bring up whether seeking affection elsewhere is moral or not.

I can also come up with my own ideas of why...for the sake of the kids, because you still love them, fear of being alone or starting over, hurting them, religious reasons, familial reasons, financial reasons... I can imagine reasons, but I would like to know your actual experiences.

I just really want to hear from those of you in this scenario...what makes you stay?

As always, feel free to open up in PM if you don't want to splash your personal business around the board. And if no one wants to share, that's 100% fine, too. This has just really been weighing on my mind. Big hugs going out to each of you. 💙

~ Sunset Snuggles

pmvines

Great question! Me personally, I am not in a relationship, and majority of my relationships are open so there is the option on both sides to see others for different needs etc. I've been in monogamous relationships before though , and was married twice so I do know what its like to be in a relationship where needs arent necessarily being met but dont quite know what to do .

You sort of get to a point of familiarity and knowing that the person is there , and you make sacrifices and compromises and accommodations, and you try to focus on your love for the person and what that means to you. Some days I feel like I have the perfect life . Live alone, child has his own place , I can come and go when i want , spend money on what I like , and have all the cuddle friends , sex buddies , friends , acquaintances, etc that i want without having to justify my life to anybody but myself . However , and this is a big however , with this level of independence also comes the tradeoff of being a loner . I do feel extremely lonely at times, knowing that of everyone I know, vast majority are acquaintances with loose relationships. I have very few people who are close to me, enough to be considered a friend for things like to call if my car dies in the middle of nowhere, or to talk to when my head is my enemy , or to enjoy the mundane shit that day to day life entails. And the older I get, the more I realize that I will probably be alone when I die . So that is probably why so many people stay in relationships that arent always ideal . Because they are afraid of the alternative. I chose this life and am ok with that, but it's not for everyone.

krys1

As someone going through a divorce currently, I'm going to answer that intimacy is about many things. Intimacy is having someone ask "how was your day?" every day. It's having someone to text when your boss gets on your nerves. It's having someone who stops to buy milk on the way home because you forgot. Intimacy is so much more than just physical touch, though touch is important.

In my marriage, we definitely had a breakdown in physical touch, though I was the one who was more unavailable. Alcohol was a problem in my marriage, and I slowly stopped feeling safe. Without safety, physical touch didn't feel rewarding to me, it became a responsibility that I struggled to keep up. I wasn't open to receiving affection, so I struggled to give it.

I'm grieving for that loss now, though I did really try to provide for my husband's needs.

robroo

A 50 year old starting over...that's doable.
Me- a 50 year old with: congestive heart failure, a hip replacement and moderate arthritis in my opposite foot and ankle...not so easy. The only way I could leave is to continue working full time which I don't know how much longer I can keep doing that.

Mike403

I've never been in a relationship. I'm too socially awkward to attract anyone. I've learned to accept the terms that I will probably die alone. I have my cat to keep me company.

TheFunCartel

I don’t care to get into where the bodies are buried.

oops

GreatHornedOwl

@SunsetSnuggles - There are many possible reasons. I am one of those who are in a relationship that no longer includes physical affection of any kind. I love my wife, even though she suffers from Alzheimer's Disease. I wouldn't dream of leaving her.

quixotic_life

I stayed in for well over a decade and a half because I'd rationalized my situation to the point I beleived it was fine.

I let him know I was coming on here because I wanted connection (he recoiled at the thought of this site), then at one point just over a year ago, when discussing if we had issues or not, I'd said, "Really? You think it's fine I cry myself to sleep every night, and wake up crying too?" And it woke me up because wtf?! NO! that wasn't fine at all! And then we started ending things... Who knows, if I hadn't said it out loud to him, I might still be where I'd been...

KYtransplant

Why I stayed. Marriage # 2 . Part of me just kept thinking if I tried harder it would get better. I did not want the small trucking business we ran to fail either in the economic fallout of 2008. Finally ran out of try in 2014. But not before almost four years of living miserably wondering what else I could do to make it work.

It took the suicide of my stepson ( adult 42) to wake me up to the fact that I did not want to continue on in a relationship that was cruel words, and lack of affection among other things. I had become numb to so much emotional abuse it seemed normal at the time. When your base line is pain you don't recognize the issues.

Took 2.5 years for myself to reset and figure out what I wanted and needed out of life. So I started planning for a life on my own.

Then I met HIM. The one who would almost destroy me. The covert narcissist who skillfully listened to me and formed the perfect partner just for me. For 3.5 years I thought I had found the partner I would spend the rest of my life with.

When you tell someone your deepest fears, vulnerabilities and how you need to be loved and think they are doing just that for genuine reasons it will rip the soul out of you to find out the whole thing was a lie on his part from the start.

He used everything he knew that hurt me to emotionally destroy me so I would be so devastated I would pose no threat to the new relationship he had waiting upon his exit. I have never felt that kind of soul crushing pain and this happened the first week of March 2020.

If it wasn't for several very close friends that helped me navigate the healing process of recovering from such a devastating blow I would have never made it out of 2020 alive. A global pandemic and one of the most hurtful losses I ever had to come to terms with.

I got involved with activism that was personally important to me in early 2013. From that group I have made many amazing friends. The kind that will share of themselves, both time and wisdom to keep you alive when all you want to do is curl up and die.

They helped heal me when I was at my most broken. You rarely ever find people like that and I have many in my life.

I have set up my life now knowing that I will probably not ever have another significant other but I can manage well with how I live. Aging in place will not be an issue as I have thought well ahead and designed my house just for that sometime in the future.

On the flip side of things, I am almost ultra independent and will do most things alone as I always feel I would be asking too much from anyone to lend me a hand. On the rare occasions I do ask it is because I have exhausted every other way of trying to get it done myself.

Probably more then you asked for , but that's the short version anyway.

SunsetSnuggles

Big thanks to those of you who have reached out in PM! I appreciate your honesty and respect your privacy.

I'm so surprised to get answers to such a personal question already, thank you to all who have responded!

@pmvines The familiarity and compromise makes sense. There is a lot that goes into such a relationship, and I can see how people would compromise to a great degree before ever making a decision to leave.
I get the loneliness factor of having your current independent lifestyle. I traveled for two years while I was single, and while the freedom to go anywhere I wanted, stay as long as I wanted, and do anything I wanted in each city was amazing, it also brought about a sense of loneliness that I didn't have someone to share all those wonderful adventures with.
For what it's worth, I'm always here to talk to when your "head is your enemy".

@krys1 I'm so sorry to hear about the lack of feeling safe in your marriage. I hope that, going forward, you can heal and find a safe place where you feel the joy of expressing affection again.
I hear you saying similar to pmvines regarding intimacy being much more all-encompassing than simply physical touch. This reminds me of an emotional scene in Shall We Dance, where a woman explains her view of marriage: "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... All of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

@robroo Financial reasons seems to be a big one, and health, too. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that. Warm hugs going out to you.

@Mike403 You're not alone in that scenario, and I certainly believe there's hope for you! I grew up extremely socially isolated and all I can say is, chip away at it, work on it, push your comfort zone and it will be so rewarding, I promise! I started by forcing myself to make small talk with a taxi driver. Then forcing myself to compliment strangers. Then to make phone calls where I had to sustain one on one conversation. I'm still growing, but I have improved more than I ever thought possible, as a girl who was taken aside at her first job for whispering to the customers. We are more capable than we may believe!

@FunCartel Oh come now, the stench will lead us right to them!

@GreatHornedOwl That is a heartbreaking situation to be in for you and your family. I would hope that were I in your wife's situation, the one I love wouldn't leave me, either. She didn't choose this.

@quixotic_life I'm glad you had that aha moment where you realized your own worth and that what you were going through wasn't okay, at all. I think we are capable of sustaining so much pain and believing we deserve it. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. No one deserves to go through that.

@KYtransplant Sounds like you and quixotic_life might have a lot in common. I'm sorry about the suicide of your stepson. It sounds like it was a catalyst for you taking the horns of your life. I'm not big on looking on the bright side of such things, but it sounds like something positive came out of it, so I'm grateful for that aspect.
I'm so sorry you went through that second situation. You deserved better.
I'm curious what activism you became involved in? Feel free to say in PM, if you're up to it. I am a vegan, though I'm not involved in activism, but it's something I feel very strongly about, and has really positively impacted my life, self-outlook, and health. I'm really glad that you met caring people through your experience.
Good on you for thinking ahead with your house! My mom did similar when she bought a condo with no stairs and a handicap spot just outside the front door.

Thank you for sharing on such a personal topic, everyone! More hugs going out to you all!

~ Sunset Snuggles

CozyWolfy

Mike403
some people are drawn to socially awkward because they are awkward themselves.

blisscuddles

Relationships are hard to maintain over long periods of time. Things fail, but priorities and life realities like financial, medical, kids makes you keep going till you can’t anymore.
@SunsetSnuggles - You’ve become quite the therapist for many . Both on forums and PM you seem to have an open ear to listen and converse.

SunsetSnuggles

Thank you again to those who have reached out in PM! I appreciate you.

@CozyWolfy That's true!

@blisscuddles That makes sense, relationships certainly take a lot of work and compromise.

Anonymous: I set up my laptop today to PM you back and found that you had blocked me for not responding quickly enough. I have been on vacation and am saddened to see this, since I had already messaged you to assure you that I would respond. If you unblock me, I have time today to respond to your lengthy messages, but if not, no hard feelings. Take good care. Edit: Thank you for contacting me back, I'll PM you, now.

~ Sunset Snuggles

Hazlit

I've generally avoided CuddleComfort discussions but I'm happy to briefly respond to this one. I stay because the little things are still there--the good mornings, how was your day, the peck on the lips, the intellectual discussion. We haven't done more than that in years, but it's enough. Also, I have young kids and love them to smithereens. Even though sexually I am a gay leaning bisexual, I also enjoy being a father and husband.

Love2Cuddle757

From personal experience and being a listener ... we stay in our comfort zone. Even if it's not good or toxic ... even being in familiar toxicity seems better than change when you're in the midst of it. Once you get out of it, you realize how much happier it is outside of it. It's just hard to break away from that bubble sometimes, no matter how bad it may be.

Treats balanced on my nose.

PeopleLikeUs

The biggest base for long-term committed relationships is comfort and contentment.

CrissyKat

Water.

IsMeArrggh

I love my wife for many other reasons. I also didn’t realize just how important being affectionate and cuddling meant to me until it stopped. I grew up in that type of environment so I naturally sought it out. After several years of, in my opinion, my wife realizing and knowing I was suffering in silence she approached me. I at first took it as a joke or “trick”, but a couple years later she sat me down and we had a serious talk about it. Now I couldn’t see my life without cuddling so here I am. I still don’t get to cuddle as much as I’d like but I’ll take what I can get. Remember, married people need cuddling and affection too. ☺️