Disconnection

hughunter

I can't delete my post so I will edit it. I was trying to spark debate about a disconnection I feel is in society today and it seems I clouded the intended message. It made it sound like I was trying to blame women for this disconnect, I am not.

Men are equally to blame if not more to blame, many men tear down men who show even slight affections toward one another. In middle eastern countries straight men hug and even hold hands sometimes. In America you would be called a queer by many people. Men are statistically far more lonely than women. A woman can make a profile and often many guys will message her. Even if the choices suck most women will still have choices. As Joe Rogan said, many average Joe Shmoes cannot join a dating site and get even a PM.

My curiousity is whether this Is why we have so many mass shootings in America. Because psychologists have proven that pretty much all serial or mass killers were either neglected or abused at some point in their lives. Neglect or disconnect from other people causes some very negative psychological effects in humans. We are meant to be a part of a tribe. When we don't feel loved one of the easiest and yet most childish ways to escape from this is anger. Which is akin to throwing a temper tantrum. A quote from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein comes to mind " I have love in me the likes of which you cannot imagine and rage in me the likes of which you cannot believe, if I cannot satisfy the one I will indulge the other."
Also in Japan men kill themselves at twice the rate of women. The leading cause of male suicide in Japan is loneliness. What do you all think? Is it a lack of human connection and affection to blame or is the problem deeper than that?

pmvines

I think it's a stretch to say that a lack of attention from women will lead to more suicide and violence like mass shootings . That's a big leap to suggest it is the reason, and also puts an awful lot of responsibility on women for the actions of someone who obviously is not well, and needs a lot more than attention from a woman .

MCcuddles2

I've learned that through the power of schizophrenia, one can create their own female companionship.

SunsetSnuggles

@hughunter Thank you for sharing your feelings in that last paragraph. You are not alone in struggling to find cuddles. After hanging around this message board for several weeks, I've definitely seen it shared as a common frustration. Me, personally; I only have two people in my area, at all. I think it's important to remember that cuddling strangers is still a niche interest. If you were into certain kinks, you would have just as much of a struggle finding like-minded people who live in your area, to engage with. Until it becomes more commonplace, I think this is something we will all deal with on some level. You are totally cuddleable, by the way. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

~ Sunset Snuggles

hughunter

I'm not saying lack of attention from women cause this at all. I am saying feeling disconnected from people causes this. Every serial killer in history got that way because they were either neglected or abused as children. Nearly every school shooter did not have friends or anyone to lean on. One of the biggest reasons for suicide in Japan today is male loneliness. It's not just women, it's everyone. Not having human connection causing psychotic breaks and violence is as proven in psychology as evolutionary theory.

Sheena123

If you’re a man, ask yourself how many derogatory, gross and sexual messages you can handle that make you feel like you’re a piece of meat and your feelings don’t matter. Women don’t owe men anything. It’s certainly not a woman’s fault that men have a hard time getting cuddles. I understand what you’re trying to say when expressing your feelings of loneliness but the message you’re sending out with this post is basically saying “because I’m lonely, you women should not have standards. You must hug me”.

Yes, it’s easier for women to have messages and possibilities but it also takes us a lot longer to check through all these people to make sure r aren’t putting ourselves in a precarious position. I have had non stop men immediately messaging me saying “let’s meet up over here and now. How about I pick you up. Get in my car and let’s go hiking”…. How do you not immediately think of how unsafe that is?!

Anyways, once women finally weed through the 90% of messages that are asking for sex or some form of non platonic means, we can take time to look at the few men that could be a viable option. So at that point, women start thinking of their preferences. Age, non smoking, pets or no pets, sending a pic and how you connect. There’s more to think about instead of just “come on ladies, let’s cuddle”. I wish everyone could have a cuddle partner but that’s not how it works.

I’ll tell you right now, as a woman, I would absolutely run the opposite way if you came up to me in a bar saying how lonely you are and that I should cuddle you…

I know it’s hard for men to find connections with women , but the first step in solving this issue is truly understanding that women are almost always on guard and thinking safety first. If you instantly see red and only think angry thoughts when you read what I wrote, please take a step back and honestly try to understand why it takes longer for women to feel safe enough to cuddle a stranger.

Honestly, all I read in your post was just ego. I hate to say this, but there are cuddlers here (male and female) that make a living from cuddling.

I understand your perspective of a disconnect within humanity about connecting. I came here a year ago to understand the cuddling therap and in doing that, I've also started understanding that this a business.

Unsolicited advice- let it go. There are people on here trying to make a living, put food on the table, feed themselves and kids. No room for entitlement here.

hughunter

@Sheena123 , that was not how I intended it. I did not mean to point a finger and blame women. I changed a few lines in hopes that this clarifies things but I am not saying that because I am lonely you women should not have standards and must hug me. What I am saying is that there is a disconnection in society especially about touch. Its not just women, it's everyone. In middle eastern countries men hold hands and are not gay. In America this is ridiculed. All I am pointing out is that this is a societal problem. Again I am not blaming women I just want you to understand how difficult it is to find anyone to even talk to when you are a man, especially when your not a social butterfly haha

pmvines

@hughunter for what it's worth, I dont think its pathetic or somehow looks bad to tell people how you feel and that you want to find companionship and a cuddle friend, despite you voicing that it might make you feel that way . I certainly wouldn't use that as your conversation starter. but I think a lot of people would appreciate and be able to empathize with that notion when you tell them about it. Sometimes just being honest and a little vulnerable (vulnerable. not pity part y or resentful, very important distinction here ) can go a long way In giving a good impression of yourself and helping others to find something within themselves that connects with you . You seem like a stand up guy and I think you are on the right track. Like @Sheena123 and @Saysoh , I have to agree that there is some entitlement and blaming that is coming across in your post, and it's not really up to someone else to accommodate your feelings about it . It does however seem like you are making efforts to put yourself out there and make a change which isnt easy and I commend that . I've been on here a while and have had a fair amount of success connecting with folks. If you want to chat about things feel free to message me .

Vianca

"it seems very difficult to find when you don't want hookups or even dating really but genuinely just want to be platonic friends with girls in order to get to know them until you find the right one. Is it that much to ask to hold hands or hug for a few minutes?"

This seems contradictory. You imply not looking to date then say you want to get to know them until you find the right one. Whether you hook up or not that still sounds like dating. So perhaps in private conversations this is how you come across and may seem confusing to others.

No not every woman exchanges services for money, but can you honestly blame them for making an easy few bucks? Similar to male athletes selling you an energy drink or sneakers- quick money. Like SunsetSnuggles said.. you are absolutely cuddleable. And if I lived closer and came across your profile I would pm you.

I understand your frustrations but generalizing a gender and going into every interaction with this mindset will only keep you back from your goals. If you want to stop spreading the disconnection in humanity begin opening up yourself first. Starting here might help as there are genuine people here that will be your friend if that's truly want you seek. Good luck homie.

achetocuddle

I agree with @pmvines. My feeling is you are not interested in being a bad person; you are just more frustrated than average right now. You might have to let people know the different dimensions of you and what you can bring to a cuddle or a friendship.

hughunter

Thank you to anyone and everyone who replies without being rude. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. That Is why I am open with my beliefs. So that I can hear the viewpoints of others no matter how harsh help me shape myself and better myself.

Mike403

I learned to stop caring and chasing affection. It just makes you more depressed. Focus on improving your skills and advancing your career. I'm studying to be an electrical engineer. No matter what happens, I will still be an engineer. Nobody will take that away from me.

achetocuddle

I have to agree that a cuddle offer has not been hard for me to come by and I am a female young senior citizen I had someone begin a chat with me just a few days after I joined and they turned out to be cuddleworthy. I also got so many mediocre and bad messages in the first few weeks that I thought about leaving the site.

WriterGF

If you do not want to use a pro, that is absolutely, 100% your right and I respect it. But if you are going to focus on enthusiasts, it is much like trying to find a job (or, although this site is platonic, meeting someone on a dating site). You have to assume anyone you get in touch is also going to have dozens, maybe more, getting in touch. And some of them may have joined the site out of curiosity and either been scared off by their initial experience or simply decided it's not for them. (As Sheena123 makes clear, there are a lot of potential risks involved with this.) So if you are not hearing back from enthusiasts, consider that maybe not very many other people are either.

hughunter

Again I wanted to thank those of you who answered me without anger. I wanted to spark logical debate and understand what others think about my thoughts, I will probably take the post down soon ish after I see a few more replies

Babichev

Women’s reluctance to cuddle with men they don’t know isn’t because men don’t open up, it’s because the vast majority of men who contact us are not interested in platonic cuddling. It gets really tiresome.

quixotic_life

@hughunter ~ I appreciate you sharing all this. I think you've captured very well what others have tried to say, while not coming across as blaming anyone or fishing for pity.

It is hard to meet people. Just a couple days ago a man nearby messaged. And things were going well in our exchanges. So well, I thought, "Yay! A good one!!" But when I asked what kind of cuddle he likes, I got back, 'a darkened room, candles, soft music, no shirt, and my partner only wearing panties.'

❌️💿 ~ 😱 What!! Um... I'm not looking to give a random dude the "girlfriend" cuddle experience and the whole, "I wouldn't expect that of you, it's just what I prefer." was a bit disingenuous. Sure, he may not "expect" it, but he'd likely be preoccupied with his hoping and trying out various coercion tactics, so no thanks.

It's true that there are more men than women searching for connections here, and maybe it's true that women can take their pick (though that hasn't been my experience), but when even one sets you up to have restored faith in humanity, only to pull the rug out, it drops you back down into that sense of "disconnection" and makes it that much harder to be vulnerable the next time around.

It's almost as if some of us are just more easily caught in the whirlpool than others and it's a major challenge to get away from the pull.

All that said, here's a couple brief paragraphs of advice (posting just as much for myself as for you or anyone else)...

Be your authentic self, practice being in community through the forum, work on yourself and what you can control, and don't fight the current. Relax into it so you have the energy in reserves to grab hold of whatever shows up for you to pull yourself out with later.

Also, focusing on "why" things suck, or "how" the suckery came to be, is not nearly as beneficial as accepting one is in a state of suckocity and declaring, "Okay then, what's one small thing I can do to better myself/my situation?" and to do that. It could be watering a plant, doing laundry, signing up for an art class, whatever... and bit by bit, things start to suck less. And from what those in the know say, when outllooks shift outcomes do to (ie: positive begets positive). 💓

Mike403

@quixotic_life - Why would he even tell you that if he wasn't expecting it from you? He's testing the waters I'm sure.

achetocuddle

There is a good reason why the not able to delete your post exists. Sorry for the poor sentence structure.

Babichev

Women may be able to take their pick but, unfortunately, most of the available options are not even close to what we’re looking for, as @quixotic_life pointed out.

hughunter

@quixotic_life

Thank you for sharing your personal experience, insights, and advice.
Also suckocity rofl I love it.

@hughunter

I think that rather than look for a "reason" is it perhaps more fruitful to look for factors.

And, loneliness is certainly a factor in many cases of human distress.

It is certainly not only men that suffer from loneliness, but men are certainly more likely than women to lash out violently in response. Of course, everything is individual, and all actions fall onto some statistical bell curve somewhere, so speaking of others actions is not as useful as we would like.

Knowing ourselves, and our own emotional states, do matter a great deal.

JoyfulHeart

@hughunter

@quixotic_life is a great source of new vocabulary.

UCpaaHVg6u0

@hughunter I was on about something earlier today on another thread, that our society is toxic. Men do commit suicide more violently and more often successfully, but women also get lonely. Men are more often incarcerated, perpetrators of violence and especially sexual violence. Men still subjugate women globally. It would be worthwhile to start from the physical and chemical components of male physiology. Testosterone may possibly be implicated in some of the differences. I can personally attest to having had violent behaviors and impulses at the onset of puberty, though I would not think that it's as simple as having had more testosterone. I do feel that it was part of the mix. I can also attest to being much more at ease about everything as I've approached senescence. Part of it is learning to witness the greater world around me without me at the center of it. Perhaps men are more prone to feel that they belong in the center, and everything rotates around them. I would not think that women are very often brought up that way.

achetocuddle

@UCpaaHVg6u0 Your comments are a good learning experience for me. I can say that I've never felt I belonged in the center of the world while everything rotated around me. And was not reared/encouraged/etc. to feel that way. Such an interesting perspective. I think you are on to something. Just so much good stuff to think about.

UCpaaHVg6u0

@achetocuddle I'm so glad that somebody finds use for my utterances! I've many humbling experiences, but humility is the best perspective for me as there's so much more that is greater than myself, than that which is not. If that isn't too mangled grammatically.

sunnysideup

@hughunter I really hear you, man. Sometimes, I think many women are completely oblivious to what the average man has to go through, or atleast doesn't care. As @Sheena123 said, no one is owed affection (though I'd argue parents owe their children affection), so I guess focusing on this aspect isn't productive to our goals.

On the flipside, I also think many men are not aware (or just doesn't care) of how dangerous the world of intimate encounters can be for women (I was a long time like this, thinking I don't do that, my friends don't, it must be rare) and how our culture of sexual objectification has made women feel, not saying you're trying to overlysexualize them. On top of filtering people for safety, thanks to the internet, there are just so many options, it'll generally be easy to be picky (relative to guys), or simply not to pick anyone at all (overwhelmed or lack of favorable options).

Tinder is a hookup app, supposedly - it's brutal for men unless you have a profile that shows you are very handsome/confident or you're a member of a popular 'type' of person. I wouldn't use that for cuddles. Maybe try hinge or something? To lessen the blow that high competition brings on the internet, I suggest meetup groups to make friends IRL. Great if you're not a social butterfly as you can focus on the activity while warming up to others. Board game groups, hiking groups? Then maybe ask some of them. Would probably take less time then finding a cuddle buddy online for many. If you like in city they have all kinds. If you live in a small town this route will be harder.

Agree that with @pmvines that sharing vulnerability/authenticity will lead to deeper connections, though not in a fishing for compliments, needing validation from others, or resentful kind of way (though it is good to have some select people to talk through these concerns with).

achetocuddle

@UCpaaHVg6u0 Occasionally I don't know what to make of some of your posts, which doesn't mean a thing btw
But I find many of your posts interesting, enlightening, thoughtful and obviously sincere. And accurate as far as I know. This and $5 will get you a cup of coffee. Lol. Carry on.

It is very difficult to discuss this topic (men's emotional health) on a site that (quite rightly) is strictly platonic.

ThierryC2017

@hughunter :
I fully understand your point of view, having sometimes felt such a distressed state (when my emotional energy falls under some critical threshold). On my side, I couldn't harm anybody, only sometimes having wished to disappear when it was unbearable.
@Sheena123 :
Although I never lived it because being a guy (and being unaware of it, as a gay), I of course feel unfair the insecurity climate women are subject to (when meeting strangers, as well as when walking alone in public places in general) : I even was upset when (lately) discovering it.
(I can't cope with unfairness in general, whichever side it is).