When you're treated tenderly...

SunsetSnuggles

Hey, my beautiful snugglers.

I'm wondering if anyone else shares this reaction when they are treated with tenderness... It hurts. It makes me want to cry. It feels undeserved. I feel unworthy.

I've heard a few of you mention crying upon being cuddled for the first time in a long time. Is this part of why?

This is something I've struggled with for a long time, and having a boyfriend doesn't make it go away. The first time he held my hand, he was so gentle with me, I started crying. I just never thought I deserved to be treated with that kind of love.

Anyone know what I mean? Anyone have words of wisdom? ❤️‍🩹

~ Sunset Snuggles

butterflyqueen

I get what you mean by tenderness although I don’t really have words of wisdom. For awhile i thought it was part of the journey for people to make me do things I wasn’t comfortable with as if it would help with my personal growth. But all it did was damage my self esteem. Then I felt cherished by a stranger and I realized wow! I really am at a low. This should be a standard way of treatment. You should always feel cherished. Now I refuse to keep people in my personal circle that make me feel otherwise. So if your boyfriend makes you feel that tender love then you should completely embrace it. You deserve nothing less.

WriterGF

I get that more with my daughter. She says so many beautiful things to me and shows such love. Being a father opened my heart.

pmvines

I always feel like myself, as well as all people, are worthy of being shown tenderness and kindness. I am sorry you feel like you aren't worthy of it @SunsetSnuggles . I hope one day your self feelings can catch up to and mirror the way that others feel about you , and not feel guilt about being cared for.

cuddles_ndream

I don’t have a specific answer , but 2 things that stood out to me was this - “ It feels undeserved. I feel unworthy”

Sometimes things turn around for us in our lives … and no matter what, we aren’t happy, or a hurt remains …

Examples: if money isn’t a problem anymore, all of my problems will go away. Reality: it isn’t that money doesn’t make you happy like many people love yo say, the fact is that money doesn’t take away the pain.

Another example: If I lose weight, I’ll be happy … you lose wait, you get in shape or whatever the case may be, & you still feel the same.

Basically, we are a product of our experiences & our circumstances, it is so important to surround ourselves with people who value us, people who makes us laugh & smile & to not throw our worth away… there are some things we would never change but I believe everyone has value & there’s a purpose to everyone’s journey.

Nickoli

I'd also like to add shocked to the list. Being treated with kindness happens so seldomly that I am surprised when it happens. Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom because I often have those same feelings.

Cuddle_RN

It used to always make me cry when people were kind to me, when they noticed and affirmed my care for them or others. Then, a few years ago, my world was turned upside-down and I decided to stop hating myself for the first time in my life. Since then, I've been able to accept being treated well and been able to remove people from my life who don't treat me well. I like me now. And I don't cry anymore when people are kind. I'm able to receive it with joy ❤️

butterflyqueen

@Cuddle_RN 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Yes!!! I love this! We’ve been conditioned to accept certain things and it’s so hard to break from the mold.

cuddles_ndream

2nd @butterflyqueen 🌌

blisscuddles

@SunsetSnuggles
You attract the tenderness also by how you treat others. That in itself shows you are worthy and deserving of it. How you have shown genuine compassion and care to many on here, in the forum and through private messages, reflects how you treat others. I’m sure all of them would whole heartedly agree you deserve and are worthy of it.

cuddles_ndream

I 2nd / 3rd / 4th & 5th @blisscuddles, Sunset 🌅 you’re amazing!

JohnR1972

I have cried with 3 of the 6 cuddle partners I have spent time with (I enjoyed my time with all of them but only 3 brought me to tears).

One of them (the first one I cried with) reassured me that I was not the first (or second or third) man to cry while she was holding them. However, for another cuddle partner, I was the first to cry with her and she was concerned she had said or done something wrong (I reassured her she was not doing ANYTHING wrong - I was just emotionally overwhelmed by her touch).

I know what you mean about tenderness and I think that is a part of it but not all of it. I think the other part might be “connection” for lack of a better word.
A couple of the women I have been with are great cuddle partners but our conversations focused on mutual interests and stayed “light” for lack of a better word. The cuddle partners I have cried with are the ones I tend to have deeper conversations with and who have seen the “real me” (in Star Trek terms, they have seen me with my emotional “shields down”).

When I first started cuddling last year I had a very difficult time lowering those shields but thanks in large part to a pro with a background in dealing with trauma, I have been able to open up a little more easily than I used to.

robroo

@SunsetSnuggles

Maybe to a small degree I felt unworthy but the happiness of being together with someone quickly takes over. Maybe focusing on this thought will help you as it did me-
One of the best feelings in the world is feeling wanted by someone

achetocuddle

@SunsetSnuggles I guess I have kind of a big ego cause I feel I deserve all the tenderness I'm shown. I used to think I might cry during a cuddle, but so far I'm so excited about meeting a new person in person and getting to cuddle that I don't feel like crying or sleeping. Lol. I'm sorry and surprised to have you tell us that you can feel undeserving of tenderness.

CozyWolfy

I can get uncomfortable or disconnect a bit. I definitely am prone to anxiety if im getting a lot of love and attention. It can be hard to accept and hard to feel like im deserving of it.
If its somone im really connected to and low key zen snugs its easier I guess.

PeopleLikeUs

I did some Googling and it looks like although oxytocin and dopamine produce feelings of relaxation and happiness, some might react to the rush of these hormonal changes, along with the physical and emotional intensity of cuddling by tearing up or crying.

I'm sure since we're all so different that each of us will attach different reasons to why we cry during a cuddle. But there's also a chemical response going on. In some cases, we might be externalizing something that is really unexplained and/or internal. I think that was the case with me early in life. I don't know what caused it or why it went away. Maybe the death of my father at 17. I may have just grown out of it when I recovered, but I feel like I'm guessing.

I've yet to cry during a cuddle, but I have cried during the onset of a love relationship. It's overwhelming and I associate that response to joy, similar to sometimes when I meditate.

CrissyKat

Tender beef jerky.

JohnR1972

At the risk of sounding really weird, I have had one other reaction to a cuddle that I have never seen anyone mention before - seeing light. It has only happened with one cuddle partner and it was mid way through our 4th cuddle. I had my eyes closed and when she touched me in a certain way, I saw gentle but bright white light through my closed eyes. I know it had to be me rather than an actual light (both of her hands were on me and there was no light in the room that could have made that light. The light gently pulsed in time with her hand as she slowly caressed me on my lower back.

RadiantHugs

@SunsetSnuggles When I first started cuddle therapy, I can't even count how many times I cried in the middle of cuddle sessions with a pro. I can't presume to say why you are feeling the way you are, but I can assure you that your emotions are real, and you are certainly not alone feeling this way. Speaking for myself, all those childhood years of being treated in unkind ways had me build huge walls to keep others from getting too close - and it took a large amount of emotional energy to keep those walls up. Once I was willing to let those walls come down I had such a feeling of loss associated with all that I had missed simply because I had numbed myself to feeling for so long.

biancalovecraft

I think any of us who have felt beaten up downtrodden misunderstood exhausted, etc, have experienced that reaction, But it's not always about feeling undeserving as it is feeling able to be vulnerable. We've created a weird society where it's not safe to feel things deeply and certainly not to express them, so when that little window of safety opens it just comes pouring out 🥲 And it's okay

Babichev

It only hurts when I’m already hurting. When we are in pain - physical or emotional - our nervous system shifts into high alert. We’re in protective mode. Maintaining that takes a lot of energy. When someone treats us in a way that allows us to let go, the tension that allows us to function in the face of pain is gone and we can be flooded with emotions - feeling the pain we’ve been enduring, recognizing how much tension we’ve been living with when it’s finally lifted. It can be overwhelming but if we hang in there that passes and we can give up control and receive. It can be hard to receive when we’ve had it ingrained that we are not worthy or that we always have to take care of others. It can be hard to give up control. But when we don’t allow ourselves to receive, we deny others the gift of giving. I think that’s the realization that finally made it possible for me to receive, the realization that I’m allowing that other person to take pleasure in being kind and generous and caring.

JohnR1972

@biancalovecraft - you nailed it. I couldn’t find the right word so I used the Star Trek analogy of lowering emotional shields but feeling safe enough to truly let yourself be vulnerable is a much better way of saying it.

@Babichev - I 100% agree. It takes an incredible level of trust in a cuddle partner for someone’s autonomic nervous system to switch from sympathetic (fight / flight) mode to parasympathetic (rest / repair) mode and if you have been stuck in sympathetic mode for too long, it can definitely release a flood of emotions.

I have told one cuddle partner that I felt bad because she has seen me twice when I felt like I was at my worst emotionally, but it was also when I needed the comfort and connection the most. She just held me tighter and said my worst wasn’t that bad.