Recently, I found out that one of my best friends passed away from cancer last year. Does anyone have any suggestions of ways to cope with a loss of a loved one?
Dealing with loss is highly individual: what works for one person may not work for another.
My father is religious, and deals with the loss of people he loves by telling himself that some essential part of them survives death and is waiting for him in a wonderful place even better than anything he can currently imagine.
I am not, and deal with it by remembering all the time we had, all the things we were able to do, and marveling that it ever happened—it's not like our relationship was fated or preordained, designed or meant to be. It might never have happened... and yet it did. We knew each other, we cared for each other, and I'm so glad we had that chance.
For both of us, the moment we're in still hurts, and we need the support of people around us as we mourn.
Whether you're looking forward to an imagined future, back on an actual past, or acknowledging a painful present, death and loss are things we all have to deal with eventually. Does it help to know that however you feel, someone else somewhere and somewhen has felt the same? You are not alone.
Words are inadequate for something like this, but... I'm sorry your friend died.
Grief is such a unique journey for everyone. For me, I just allowed myself to feel whatever that feeling was. Sometimes it was all the shit we tend to avoid and sometimes it was all love. I also started opening myself up to people. Not necessarily just about grief, but who I am. This helps me in this journey because the silver lining of my experience is I'm learning who I am oppsed to who I thought I was.
I'm sorry for your loss and I have an ear if you need to reach out.
I find diving into work and activities distracts my thoughts away but at the end of the day—sleeplessness can occur if they were really close. In that case I find a glass of your favorite adult beverage and a healthy dose of melatonin helps. But the best course of action is to celebrate them and capture your best memories of them and commit them to your memory.
Agree with the above posts. Grief is different and unique for everyone. For me I talk to that person in my head and remember that they would not want me sitting around being sad, and the best way to honor them is to use that pain to make some improvements to my own life or things around me, because they inspired you to do it and it's for them. You can't undo what is done but at least in my own crazy head I like to think something like that would make whomever proud. Sorry for your loss brother.
@patdiddy I was in a very similar situation, I had found out my friend died two years earlier from cancer. I felt confused and in shock. I had a rude awakening from my friend's father, who was too deeply in his own pain to worry about mine. When I talked to his widow, she mentioned some details that allowed me to let the waterworks happen. I felt guilty about not being there but also some relief that he met his fate without falling back into some old traps. We had met through a substance recovery program, so that felt important that he didn't give up his recovery. We are here but a short while. We are spirit, borrowing matter and energy for this cosmic ride called life. After the ride ends, we are back to the spiritual realm, and who knows what else. Don't fear it, but honor those whom we touch by living our best lives.
The process and timeline is different for everyone, but most important is to allow yourself to feel the feelings so you can work through that process. Swallowing feelings and sweeping them under the rug only either causes those feelings to just come up eventually (so delaying the inevitable) or causes those feelings to leak out in other ways in your life (feelings don't just disappear from existence if you pretend they're not there), or both. One of the biggest lessons I have learned and experienced is that feelings work themselves out so much better when you allow yourself to feel with compassion and no shame or anger towards them. Compassion and validation are two of the most magical things there are. Know that it's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to feel happiness. Whatever you are feeling, you are valid in those feelings. 💜🤗
@ubergigglefritz You hit all the things I was going to say and a few more ai had not thought of but I agree with. Rather than repeating everything I will just say I second your post 😊
@JohnR1972 💜💜🤗
I think time...? - and it differs from person to person, as already mentioned.
My mom's sister passed away last week. I've always visited her when I traveled to Brazil, but she was 86 and had Alzheimer's for a year; on one side it ends her suffering but knowing that I won't be able to ever see her again, and her being my favorite aunt, saddened me deeply.
@patdiddy I wish you healing and peace through a positive remembrance of your friend.
@patdiddy ~ I hope at least some of what others here have shared here is resonating for you as you navigate these hard to manage feelings.
The idea I have to share involves sitting in the moments (of sadness, emptiness, etc). Though it may bring more tears, breathe, and allow with intention for the characteristics you appreciated about them swirl about you ~
Then when you're ready to, capture them (write them down, draw pictures that represent them, make a collage, put them into a song, poem or story...), and whenever you have the opportunity to do so, let those same qualities flow out of you as you interact with the world around you.
~ 🫂
Grief. You have to process it.
Sit with it. Explore the feeling. Let it hurt. Cry. Cry with someone else who shares the grief.
I'm sorry this has happened. I know that my words do nothing to ease your loss.
You are likely dealing with shock and some denial, as well as grief, because you found out after the fact.
I went through something like this, recently, as well. It didn't feel real, and for about a year, I kept thinking, "I haven't heard from her in awhile, I should text her". Give yourself time to let this new reality soak in.
If you can, do something in honor of your friend. Mine had made a habit of buying flowers anonymously for people...I have picked up that torch and now think of my friend, when that opportunity arises.
I also highly recommend writing them a letter, just to feel you have the chance to express your feelings, and get some closure. For me, I wrote this letter, sealed it in a small vodka bottle (her favorite), and tossed it off a pier into the ocean. It allowed me to feel that I had said what was in my heart.
Hugs, and my PM box is always open.
~ Sunset Snuggles
Left you a PM. The short version is that it's pain that will come, but it's pain that you will survive. You're safe, especially with the @MCcuddles2 and @SunsetSnuggles . Let it was over you like a wave, and when it feels like you're going to drown, reach out and talk to someone. It will get more frequent but less intense over time, and you'll be strong enough to stand in it, and carry on in their name and in the name of those who went before and will go after.