Client Friend

ubergigglefritz

I've settled into calling my cuddlees "client friends" (when talking to other people about my work and the people I see). For me, it feels inaccurate to call them merely clients, but I also believe in the professional boundaries, so I've found this term to more accurately represent my relationship with them. I really care about them and feel like a friend, but they are also paying clients. I'm curious what other professionals say and what the other half feels about different terms? ☺️

CuddleWho

When I first started seeing pro cuddlers a few years ago, I figured it would be a pretty professional relationship. Like a massage therapist, I guess - we're polite and friendly during a session, but there's no deeper relationship and we don't really communicate outside of sessions except for scheduling reasons.

But basically immediately I discovered that a lot of pros actually want to be a lot more friendly than that. There have been several pros that I could honestly say are my friends, although they don't always stick around in my life indefinitely. Which is fine, people come and go. [Let me insert a disclaimer here that pros of course aren't obligated to be your friend; if you pay someone for a cuddle you shouldn't come in with any expectation that it'll be anything more than that.]

I actually have run into very few pros who keep a strict professional boundary (although this is probably partly due to my selection criteria; I tend to avoid pros whose profile makes them seem really formal).

For me personally I think this is fine, but I kind of have two different opinions about it:

1. On the one hand, for emotionally healthy people this is alright. They can handle a slightly weird relationship, can communicate reasonably effectively, and won't really be damaged by any mixup of intentions or needs. For instance I feel perfectly fine saying, "Yeah I'd love to do that activity with you, but to make sure we're on the same page I'm not going to pay you for your time if we do that. Is that okay with you or should we stick to cuddling?"

2. On the other hand, for less emotionally healthy people I see the potential for harm. I mean... it's kind of weird to pay your "friend" for their time. There is a reason why professional boundaries are stressed so hard for therapists and whatnot. It can also be perceived as a manipulative relationship. If this person is really your friend, and you have genuine care for him, why does he have to pay for your time? As I said, I personally am fine with this weirdness and ambiguity, but not everyone will be.

ubergigglefritz

@CuddleWho thanks for your thorough explanation and your perspective. It's always been weird with me because authenticity is so important to me, which inevitably makes it more complicated, but I couldn't do this work any other way. I've been doing it for 4.5 years and it's STILL something I'm figuring out. 😇

I will say I try actively to not take advantage of people and to have conversations with people about their goals and keep communication open so hopefully we keep the amount and length of sessions within their comfort.

I appreciate all my supporters and I support those who want or need to move on. I have no interest in manipulating people to do anything more than what they wish. This situation is absolutely highly prone to manipulation. I hear stories all the time and I don't want that to be any piece of people's friendly professional relationship with me.

Babichev

Clear boundaries are important in any relationship. Dual relationships present unique challenges and clear boundaries become even more important. It’s why they are discouraged in most professional relationships. It takes skill and maturity to navigate them successfully. If someone who is a client becomes a friend, does it become awkward to charge them? Do they start having expectations outside of the cuddling? When we’re a provider, we’re supposed to take care of the needs of the client. If we become friends, will we start expecting the client to take care of our needs? And what if the client decides they want to end the cuddling relationship or cuddle with someone different? Are we going to take that personally? Will they feel reluctant to take care of their own needs? There’s lots to think about. And then there is the whole transference/countertransference thing to navigate. It’s not impossible but it’s more complicated.

Many massage therapists form deep and often long term relationships with some of their clients. We may have regular contact with some clients over the course of decades. My longest term client passed away in October, 2020. They had been seeing me regularly since 1994. I’ve had many clients for 10+ years and a handful 20+ years. We hear about their joys and sorrows, their accomplishments and losses, their weddings, their divorces, their new babies. We go through their pregnancies with them. We watch their children grow up from infancy to toddlers, all through school, graduating college, getting a job and moving away. We hear about their grandkids. Sometimes we watch them decline as they age, that’s hard. Besides touch we often provide companionship to the elderly and others. We hear about their loneliness. We hear about people’s struggles with mental health. We hear about their treatment for cancer as they are going through it. We grow close. Sometimes our clients pass away. That is hard. I am always comforted by the thought that I made them feel good and my last interaction with them, they were smiling as we parted. We soothe those who are grieving the loss of a partner, a spouse, a child, a parent.

We don’t have these kinds of relationships with all our clients but we do with some. One can have a deeply personal relationship with a client and still maintain professional boundaries. It’s what keeps those relationships from becoming messy, just like with everyone else.

ubergigglefritz

@Babichev Beautiful description. 💜 I really felt some of your response deeply. Such an honor to be able to have so much shared from so many people. 🤗

It's funny how so many people seem to think money lessens the cuddling experience, but for me I see how it actually frees me up to connect, care, and offer compassion with zero expectations. And the money in the picture affords me the time and ability to offer this to so many more people than I ever would if it wasn't.

I find your listed questions surprisingly easy to answer. That's not where I struggle. The boundaries are pretty easy. I'll have to dive deep to try to identify what the struggle is as I'm not finding it easy to locate... 🤔

I think the word friend is overused in general, probably at least partly due to Facebook. Nowadays we call every random acquaintance or person on Facebook we haven't seen in 30 years but went to elementary school with "friend". My husband is this way. He'll say something like "my friend Gary said blah blah blah". And I'll ask "who's this friend? I've never met him." He'll say, "Oh a guy at work." Whereas I've always differentiated between friend, acquaintance, coworker, client... Everyone is "friend" to my husband until they're not.

Mike403

The cuddling experience for me is much better when it isn't transactional. It feels better knowing that they want to be with me even when I'm not paying them.

ubergigglefritz

@Moxytocin absolutely agree. I don't do well with acquaintances. They feel shallow to me and I prefer depth. Authenticity is huge to me, and acquaintances always feel like behavior is rooted in just being nice or doing or saying what you're supposed to. I don't know. I have some trauma around this subject. 😆 Just saying that I'm definitely more like you in that I hold the word "friend" in high regard and don't throw it around loosely. Still, even with the high expectations I hold on that word, I consider myself a friend to my clients and I consider my clients to be my client friends.

@Mike403 I absolutely understand that perception and even that experience. If I no longer needed money, I would keep up with all my current people for free and see them routinely (I am actually introverted, so I would spread the love and time just as I currently do, interspersed with time to myself, ha). I love my time with them and some I have known for years and have really grown close. Not being paid, the balance of give/take would shift more towards equality (there are endless reasons I am paid, which absolutely do not include that it forces me to spend time with or care about people I don't wish to, but that is another subject on the forum), so some relationships may not survive that shift, but the point being that I would love to maintain all those connections personally. Though I realize those are only words to you. 😇

nurturingman

I don't use the word friend lightly. I'm not quick to friend a person on Facebook just because I know them. I once cuddled a client through CC, and when they asked to add them as a "friend" on CC I declined, explaining that I don't add clients as friends on social media, including Cuddle Comfort (it's in the contract I have clients sign, too). To me, a "friend" on CC is someone I've cuddled with as an enthusiast or equal— or that I feel like friends with and would like to cuddle in person someday. I personally don't see myself considering a client as a friend. I'm not saying anything against anyone who does; I'm just saying it's not for me.

achetocuddle

@Moxytocin and @nurturingman Nice posts

ubergigglefritz

@nurturingman I appreciate non judgment. It's expected I suppose that most professionals feel differently. I know I have not followed the rules necessarily in how I do things. With the way that I am, once I've been seeing someone for 2-4+ years and accumulated 20-60+ hours cuddling with someone, it's pretty much inevitable to have developed a bond to the point where if I stopped this work, I would definitely like to keep in touch and to catch up in person routinely. People who have reached that status, I do consider to be client friends. People I have seen only a few times so far and don't know as well yet, they are still in client status I guess. 😇 However, as a professional, I don't push anything. Some clients definitely are only interested in sessions and don't communicate much outside of sessions, as is one of the many benefits of seeing a professional instead of an enthusiast, and I do not cross those boundaries.

nurturingman

I haven’t had any longtime cuddle clients yet, @ubergigglefritz , so I won’t know what that’s like until I’m there.