Too anxious to be in a relationship?

CharlieBear

I wanted to know if anyone else feels as if they are too anxious to be in a relationship and have chosen not to pursue one as a result.

It has been a really long time since I have been in one. It was short lived and we mutually ended it because it gave me way too much anxiety leading to some extreme insomnia. The reason for this is beyond me and probably better left up to a therapist to discuss, but I was just curious if anyone has experienced anything similar. I should note that the person I was in a relationship with was great and none of this was a result of anything they did.

This also may be unrelated but I find it interesting how I cannot entertain the thought of platonic cuddling with anyone I know (like friends/family), but I have no issue whatsoever cuddling with a complete stranger 🤔

Edit: In the last paragraph, by stranger I just mean a person I don’t know in my day-to-day life and who we mutually feel are safe to cuddle with.

AGnihon

I don't do romance. It's too toxic for me.But yes, it would also make me too nervous even if I wanted it.

@Charlie_Bear
Your story is similar to mine. Anxiety has kept me away from a relationship for many years and from building friendships. I went through several therapists before I found one that would actually listen. After almost a year I found myself out more. even learned to dance. I met a lot of nice people and actually found out that a relationship would be a good thing. I feel fortunate to have found a woman who is patient and understanding and we are moving forward.
I haven't experienced platonic cuddling being any different with friends/family as with strangers.

AGnihon

And just like both of you, I have tremendous anxiety when it comes to making friends due to extreme introversion. It's probably why a lot of us are here(social anxiety), although I can't say that for everyone.

CharlieBear

@Btown oh wow that’s great to hear! I am going to assume that means there is hope for me as well 😌 Also…I really want to learn to dance. The only times I have danced on a dance floor have involved lots of, um, beverages, but those are some amazing memories (at least from what I can remember 😅)

CharlieBear

@AGnihon I am an introvert and like to keep to myself, but strangely enough I have no problem making friends. I’m sorry you have to struggle with that.

sillysassy

@Charlie_Bear Thank you for your willingness to ask deep heart-felt questions. Of yourself and others. Its such an interesting question that you pose. (I've been writing and re-wording and re-thinking and deleting and.....)

Too anxious for a relationship. I've been thinking about this for quite awhile actually. Processing with a therapist for parts of it, talking with close friends and also doing a lot of soul searching.

There seems to be a flip side of this question that I keep coming back to. Am I too anxious because of fear or am I just giving myself permission to explore something different and new? Its been a very complex thought process.

I think I can relate to what you said about there possibly being an ease created with cuddling when its with a "stranger" (of course I am talking about after you have enough information for safety and all of those things)

This also may be unrelated but I find it interesting how I cannot entertain the thought of platonic cuddling with anyone I know (like friends/family), but I have no issue whatsoever cuddling with a complete stranger

I've seen this on different levels based on the person I am connecting with, but if I find someone who has expressed zero judgement, total acceptance, and respect of boundaries, I wind up finding an ability to connect purely on a "we are both imperfect humans" kind of level. Couple that with the opportunity of shared healing (even if its completely without divulging any of your story) just because they're willing to take the time to hold space for you.... and VOILA you have a bit of pixie dust that friends and loved ones can't create because of the existing relationship.

In my experience so far, and of course its just my feeling, its the sharing without trying to fix or the spending time even if there will never be another connection. The idea of platonic cuddling is that you have the ability to be completely in the present moment if you allow yourself to be. I sometimes equate it to a kind word from someone in an elevator in a city you'll never be in again. Its just a bit of shared joy, kindness, whatever it is, there's just goodness experienced without traditional conditions or commitments for more. So many things don't matter if you're just experiencing the "now"

AAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD
As far as dancing with enough clarity to create a memory..... Maybe that should be on a bucket list for a certain meet & greet in a glitzy city between our homes!!! 😊 Thank you for being a beautiful part of the community!!

AGnihon

@Charlie_Bear it's okay. I do have really good friends, including a best friend, but over a distance while having several, less close local friendships. My issue is initiating new friendships with those I just met because I am so awkward 🙃 and don't even try.🤣

CharlieBear

@sillysassy wow, thank you for powering through and submitting your reply because it’s really great. In response to the question you posed, I do feel like it is a combination of being afraid that I won’t be enough for the person (which isn’t fair of me to make an assumption like that), and not wanting to get out of my comfort zone (because I am very comfortable in it). I like to explore things that are different and new (or at least I form great memories of it after-the-fact,) but I am also really anxious about it beforehand.

And I totally agree and think you hit the nail on the head why I am much more comfortable with (vetted) strangers. Not that I wouldn’t cuddle with someone multiple times or want to become friends, but yeah, when we are cuddling I feel like I am not being judged and there’s no pressure to try to fix any of our problems. Just talk and listen and enjoy the company of someone else in such a close way.

As for the bucket list item, I will try to get the courage to do so because I have a feeling I will be in very good company 🤩

CharlieBear

@AGnihon well, you seem cool to me 😎

MCcuddles2

This hits the feels.

I like the emotional convenience of professional cuddlers. I don't have to worry about maintaining the relationship with the person. I can not talk to them for a long time and still book them again. It takes a lot of stress out of the situation.

I have non pro cuddle buddies as well, but having to maintain the connection in between sessions gives me anxiety. My anxiety is mainly around having to say "no" often, as I'm pretty busy usually.

MxSmith

Wow, I really want to participate in this conversation, but I don't have the time right now. I'll write a bunch tomorrow morning. For now here's a short video from The School of Life about attachment styles. I have struggled with anxiety in relationships too and this concept has really helped me.

I used to want so much to be in a relationship, but I'm pretty undesirable, and no one has wanted me in that way in ten years. Over time I got so familiar with getting rejected and being single that the very thought of asking a woman on a date, or just even having a crush on someone, made me an anxious wreck. I didn't truly grow comfortable with being single until I discovered platonic cuddling and this site. It made me realize that I just wanted intimacy and tenderness and touches. Most people only want those things with people that they're romantically involved with and don't see them as platonic activities. The way I see it, I can't attract women anyway, but as long as I'm able to still get cuddles, I can live with that.

CharlieBear

@MxSmith that was a really interesting video. I think I fall under the anxious type 🙃

@RaveHeart 😭 I just wanna give you a virtual hug

ubergigglefritz

I completely empathize with this. I am way more comfortable completely diving into cuddling and emotional intimacy in sessions and with client friends than in prospective dating situations, lol. My sessions are safe spaces, and history tells me that dating situations are not. 😆 Yes, I am imperfect, as are all of us. 😇

MxSmith

@RaveHeart I also just want to give you a hug. Thanks for sharing your experience with cuddling and how that's helped you feel more comfortable in your independence.

@Charlie_Bear Okay so my journey with anxiety in relationships has been going on most of my dating life so like 16-32 and I'm one of those people who does not feel anxious at first (with the stranger) and can connect easily with most people. I've dated quite a bit. I know many people feel super discouraged because others will reject them before even getting to know them. For me it was this experience of people dating me until they finally got to know me and see me in a vulnerable place and THEN being rejected. I'm generally attracted to avoidant attachers, or people who feel uncomfortable when someone else gets too close. The result is I'll meet someone great, and things will be going fine, but as soon as something happens where I need reassurance, I get this sort of painful pushback from the other person as they protect their sense of autonomy. The result is a devastating anxiety spiral as my brain kicks into full "I'm being abandoned" mode. The anxious avoidant spiral is terribly painful as both people are just struggling to feel safe and need the exact opposite thing from each other (more intimacy vs. more space). Thank goodness, THANK GOODNESS. I found someone who was not an avoidant and who doesn't feel overwhelmed by providing reassurance and the result is we both feel really good with our levels of intimacy and autonomy. (And just for perspective, I've been dating this person almost 3 years and I've had to ask for reassurance maybe 3 times). I'm not a needy person but being in a romantic relationship with a person with an avoidant attachment style is terrible for me.

On the flip side, as a pro cuddler, I LOVE connecting with both anxious and avoidant types. @MCcuddles2 I also like the format of a transaction where both parties have their time, space, and resources boundaries protected by specific rules. I like the term you used "emotional convenience". It feels safer to me that way, not only for myself but also the person I'm connecting with. We all know nobody is trying to move in with anybody and take over their life, we also know we are here to share physical and emotional intimacy. Whenever I see someone posting on here about how they feel like they can't trust someone who charges for intimacy, I always feel the opposite. You CAN trust someone who is very intentional and upfront about boundaries and paying creates a very clear boundary (connection without any obligation).

ubergigglefritz

@MxSmith absolutely. 😆 I hate that truth, but people are effectively way safer being vulnerable with me as a "client" than as someone trying to develop a relationship with me (like you indicated, I have no trouble being authentically myself with new people, but have a high history of people just disappearing at some point). 🙈 My walls and issues are not at play in that situation. I have quite a few clients who feel that is what they love about the professional environment - no pressure, no questions of intention, just connection and closeness. It really is a beautiful thing (with a good authentic professional).

littleBlackbird

It's not odd, in fact it's quite normal. Sometimes we need to seek solstice in others who do not know us on a personal level, in our daily lives, work lives, etc. There are things I cannot express to my parents, but can to my siblings; there are things I can express to my friends and not my siblings and so forth.
Why? For the fear of judgement, rejection, not being seem as normal, there's just so many things.
What's worse in today's society it has become more common to fear your significant other, or at least their reaction to things most of all. This could be the cause of toxic relationships, or at least one of the causes. Add the abundance are clinical narcissists whom prey on your every weakness and there you go.
You’re not odd or strange, just observant.

CharlieBear

@MxSmith that is awesome that you found someone that can provide you reassurance. I think what you are describing is probably contributing to how I feel as well, though I haven’t gotten far enough into a relationship to know for sure. I also totally agree with you and @ubergigglefritz about how pros care about their clients despite it being transactional. Cuddling with a pro temporarily disconnects me from my anxiety and I have seriously never felt better about myself than I do during and after a cuddle session with a pro. Paying removes all the pressure, especially when I know the pro loves what they do.

CharlieBear

@littleBlackbird thank you. That is certainly the case for me. I just need to somehow get over the feeling that I’m not good enough. I hate that I think that because it’s not even my decision to make. I am afraid to appear needy or clingy but I also want the reassurance that they are happy with me and I don’t think that I am good at expressing that.

littleBlackbird

@Charlie_Bear
You can start by telling yourself that you ARE good enough, because you are. I think so and I think everyone taking the time to comment also thinks you are good enough and worthy of our time.
It's okay to have insecure thoughts and feelings but remember to tell yourself it isn't true, and let it be a fleeting emotion. Allow yourself to accept that you are a worthy human being. Do not allow others to determine your worth whether past, present or future. There is only one of you and that alone makes you special.

@Charlie_Bear What @littleBlackbird said.

CharlieBear

@littleBlackbird and @Btown 😭🥰 thank you

@Charlie_Bear I have followed your posts. You are a valuable member of this community and you are plenty good enough..

MxSmith

@Charlie_Bear I so feel that experience of knowing you are valuable but not being able to feel it. **oof.
How do we make ourselves feel what we know?
My example: I am terrified of wearing a swimsuit. I know all bodies are good bodies and it doesn't matter how I look, I'm allowed to exist exactly how I am and enjoy the beach, and I enjoy seeing bodies of all shapes and sizes... and yet.. its extremely hard for me to feel that way towards myself. I almost exclusively go to empty beaches to enjoy them.

ubergigglefritz

@MxSmith we are all our own harshest critic. 😔💜🤗

CharlieBear

@Btown thank you, I really appreciate it 😌

@MxSmith oh my gosh yes same I am afraid as well, and yet I would feel horrified if I thought someone else believed I was judging them based on their own appearance. Like I could not care less if a person was attractive or not, had a certain body type, etc since none of that dictates whether they should be able to enjoy the pool or the beach.

@Charlie_Bear @MxSmith I have begun discussing Avoidance Personality Disorder with my therapist. Don't know enough yet to discuss it but you might check it out.

jaswbrown

(I was trying to decide whether to leave this here, or make it an entirely different post. It's kind of two-fold. While exploring why I no longer look for a relationship, I've come to realize that the convenience of hiring a cuddler may be hindering my desire to seek a relationship. I'll just leave it here. I apologize for its autobiographical nature.)

I believe I've fallen into a state where I do not pursue relationships because I don't believe that I can meet the needs of a partner while meeting my own needs. I understand that's a very generalized statement. I also understand that everyone's needs differ and that there is someone 'out there' with a compatible set of needs and desires, but I've felt for a while that the search for this perfect relationship has been too painful. Sometimes it is easier to pay someone for moments of caring, lending an open ear, someone to hold, and connection. It CAN be a generally positive experience for both when there is a decorum of professionalism that prevents the expectation of committing yourself to a relationship.

The majority of my life has been a series of codependent relationships, two include two marriages. I would set aside my own feelings, needs, and expectations to meet those of my partner--I needed to be needed, but I confused as to why I was unhappy. I felt, as long as I provided for my partner, I was contributing to the relationship. The relationships would eventually sour, as my focus became providing materially and financially for my partner (and not romantically), they would seek their romantic needs elsewhere. The relationship almost always ended with my partner telling me they were happy with someone else.

The majority of my second marriage was that of convenience. We had children who we both loved and cared for dearly. I had a military career that took care of us. We participated in a hobby that my spouse was greatly interested in (But I, only slightly) because I wanted HER to be happy, and it allowed us to build friendships with other couples. We lacked the communication to convey that our individual, differing romantic needs weren't being met. I returned from a trip to Afghanistan to find that my wife had developed a romantic relationship with a friend, and they (and my kids) would sight-see and do things, much like a family, in my absence. I was strong enough to seek help for myself.

After in-patient therapy, ongoing out-patient therapy, and a divorce, I learned that my own needs were as important as anyone else's. I retired from the military and got the one job I wanted most. It involved a LOT of travel, so my Ex and I agreed that the kids would be given the most stability living with her. Though I missed my children terribly, I found myself growing ever more confident. I started dating. I found myself, for the first time, able to focus on the mutual romance of the relationship and felt truly loved in return. When it came time for me to travel for work, however, my girlfriend needed me to choose between her and my dream job. I told her I couldn't be in a relationship that forced me to make that choice. I didn't feel that was unreasonable, either. I've had other relationships that, for the most part, ended the same way. My frequent physical absence, despite my emotional presence, was incompatible with their needs.

I've stopped looking. I've accepted loneliness until the need for human connection becomes overwhelming, and then I book with a professional cuddler. It's a professional relationship at the least, a friendly one in its greatest. I don't feel the need to feel sad when I leave on a work trip and I don't feel as if I've abandoned someone. It's not romantic, but it feels less stressful in the moment knowing there's no expectation of romance. We can just enjoy each others' company...

BUT, I'm worried that the transactional nature of a hired cuddler is resurfacing my past self. I've become comfortable 'providing financially' for human connection devoid of romance. I've stopped dating. I've stopped looking. If 'the perfect woman' is out there, wholly accepting of all that is me (pros & cons), but expecting ME to find HER... it saddens me to think it's not going to happen. I think I've sacrificed my NEED for romantic relationship for the COMFORT of transactional cuddling. (Is it appropriate the site is 'Cuddle Comfort'?) Maybe I need to take a hiatus from the site and try dating again? 🤔🤷

@jaswbrown Your post was very touching. I know where you are coming from and appreciate your vulnerability. I can only say that recent experience in getting back into the social world and not looking for or running from a relationship has been a life changer for me. I have positive and non-judgmental friends and just recently entered into a relationship. At this point I am very happy.
BTW, remember that you too are worthy.