I think my reasons for using this website are unhealthy

Ripley54566

It has recently come to my attention that I am naturally distrustful and afraid of anyone who genuinely wants to spend time with me . The moment anyone wants me around, it's like my mind can't conceivably understand.

I can't help but turn every effort someone makes to get close to me into a threat to my wellbeing. Is this person manipulating me? Are they trying to get something out of me? How are they going to hurt me?

The worst part is that while I can consciously tell myself why it doesn't make any sense for me to think like this, especially when it's in hindsight, it doesn't do me any good. There will always be that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that people only want to get close to me in order to hurt me. So I don't let anyone ever get close to me. And if I did, I think I'd only inevitably end up either hurting myself or them with this toxic mindset I can't seem to get rid of.

But If pay someone to spend time with me, then I don't have to stress myself out with trying to understand what their motive for wanting to be around me is. I can safely tell myself that the reason is money, and only money. I am so messed up, and I'm not even sure how I ended up like this

slowblink

I hate to assume but it seems like you have hyper-paranoia stimulated by an innate inferiority complex. Why? I'm sure a thorough psychoanalysis of your childhood would provide some valuable insights but just my glancing two cents. That being said, if my prognosis is sound, using this site won't necessarily make your mental dynamic worse...unless you pay pros not just for cuddling but for an interaction you perceive to be free of ulterior motive.

SunsetSnuggles

I absolutely understand how you feel. I felt that way for many years, and still can struggle with it. For me, it stems from a deep sense of worthlessness. If I'm worthless, then someone showing care for me must be lying. (My other reasoning was that they just hadn't figured out I was worthless, yet.)

In any case, I strongly suggest counseling to get to the root of this feeling, so you can begin healing. 🤗

~ Sunset Snuggles

Sheena123

I would like to add that as a pro that gets paid to cuddle, I do genuinely enjoy cuddling. I said that to say that going the route of booking a pro, depending on who you choose, they can absolutely enjoy snuggling into you.

MCcuddles2

you need to be held, from someone willingly doing it, without them wanting anything from you besides connection. I think this may help start you on a path that can ease your suffering, and I hope you can find it here.

CuddleBarista1

@Ripley54566 Hope you are feeling better and you are not alone! You have a supportive community here!! I enjoyed my time with you the last time I have seen you and you are more than welcome to message me at no cost.

TNNative

I agree with @SunsetSnuggles … if you are concerned about how you feel, find someone who has training to help you be curious about it and work through it. And also seek out the pros for cuddles if that helps too. Warm hugs for you!

zerocantaloupe

@Ripley54566 I have trust issues too, and I appreciate the pro services on the site for the exact same reason. The only difference is I know exactly why: repeatedly being used by people who I thought cared about me. Every time I vetted people longer in response, the longer the con. Have you suffered the same pain?

I'm not yet convinced taking off the armor in this hell we call the modern world is "unhealthy," but if you are, a therapist would probably help.

Also, for the concerned, I regularly see mental health professionals.

biancalovecraft

We are all motivated by things that are entirely "unhealthy." Often the outcome is far worse than a failed or ambivalent cuddle, or reaching out for contact.
Whether the OP should be here or not, let's not diagnose for pathologize them shall we?
To the OP, I first came here out of morbid curiosity, and found an unexpected development in my humanity. I hope you give yourself space time and tolerance to find the same 🫂

sillysassy

I read through this post in the wee hours and it has been tugging on my heart all morning. WARNING long post ahead....

@Ripley54566 you said

I am so messed up, and I'm not even sure how I ended up like this

Gosh this hurts my heart. We are all here for different reasons and I like to believe that we're ALL humans and have our own history, life happenings, circumstances and sometimes baggage that brought us here. I want to say.... please be kind to yourself. Your body is trying to tell you some truths but it doesn't necessarily mean you're "messed up" or at least not any more than the majority of humans on this planet.

That being said..... OP mentions that

It has recently come to my attention that I am naturally distrustful and afraid of anyone who genuinely wants to spend time with me . The moment anyone wants me around, it's like my mind can't conceivably understand.

You said "recently" which sounds like maybe this is new information. Maybe your title could read more like "I'm questioning whether I need to adjust my reasons for being here..."

I think I'd only inevitably end up either hurting myself or them with this toxic mindset I can't seem to get rid of.
But If pay someone to spend time with me, then I don't have to stress myself out with trying to understand what their motive for wanting to be around me is. I can safely tell myself that the reason is money, and only money.

What I think is interesting about this statement is that you are CHOOSING to tell yourself its just about the money. It doesn't mean its THE TRUTH it just means you have decided to believe something because it helps you emotionally.

While I'm not a fan of anyone on here diagnosing mental or emotional instabilities, I can really resonate with @slowblink and his statement of "unless you pay pros not just for cuddling but for an interaction you perceive to be free of ulterior motive." This sentiment can be applied to enthusiasts as well. EVERYONE has the possibility of an ulterior motive. We have to CHOOSE to believe someone based on their interactions with us. If they lie to us in order to achieve something selfish.... that's not anything we can control. If we choose to connect with other people without being mindful then that's on US. Our intentions are the ONLY thing we have power over.

I think there is benefit and detriment in telling ourselves things we can't possibly know..... Things like what someone else is thinking or feeling. And it goes for BOTH DIRECTIONS of positive or negative self talk. Someone who says "Everyone hates me so I won't talk to anyone in order to not be hurt" still finds pain in their life. And vice versa. Someone who believes "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm amazing, so I will trust everyone to have my best interests in mind" can find pain in their interactions as well.

I feel like the answer might lie in whether or not it actually matters to you.

If you believe the TRUTH that there are going to be some humans who love you without having a desire to intentionally cause harm AND that there are going to be humans who don't care about whether they hurt you or cause you pain, then you'd probably be right. The EXTREME of the belief seems to be where we get hung up. We can't find joy in the extremes because it isn't based in reality.

WHY do you feel this way? As a few have said before, you're the only person who can untangle that and I am a HUGE fan of going down that path with a trained professional (or a multitude of them when its necessary) but it is incredibly wise and mindful of you to question whether or not being here is healthy or unhealthy. Maybe taking a time-out from cuddling to double check YOUR motives would be beneficial for your heart and those you connect with.

I have a similar feeling and a need to take a step back to make sure I'm not getting together with people and causing unintentional harm. Its always a good thing to be self-reflective I think.

Like @MCcuddles2 said...

without them wanting anything from you besides connection

There is healing to be found when you can have balance in this touch world. When someone is willing to hold and be held for nothing else than the exchange of human touch there is a beautiful human connection. Finding it is rare. Giving it requires you to be in a healthy state as well. We have a responsibility on either side of the connection to look inside ourselves and make sure what we want to give/receive is about acceptance and kindness and a shared need for human relating.

Its not easy to unravel our own intentions let alone figure out someone else's. Asking the tough questions is the beginning though.....

...found an unexpected development in my humanity. I hope you give yourself space time and tolerance to find the same

@biancalovecraft awwww 💗💗💗 This ^^^

HUGGGGGG

Adding to what @sillysassy wrote. Please do not belittle yourself. Implement the corrections that your conscience demands with strength while respecting yourself. Try to nurture your inner self…Your Truth will guide you…

jetblack

One of the reasons I love this community so much is the level of support and empathy shown when someone shares vulnerability. It genuinely warms my heart.

blisscuddles

Self love and feeling you are worthy of being held will hopefully make you be more open to being loved and held.
https://www.self.com/story/how-to-love-yourself
Hope you find the the good in yourself and comfort of being held in a warm embrace.

justjennn

Just popping in to say I love this thread and all of the humans who come here to share deeply of themselves ❤️

CuddleDuncan

@Ripley54566 sounds to me like you are facing a pretty difficult situation. But I'm not sure I follow your logic. If I've understood you correctly, then it's tough or impossible for you to create close relationships with people. But by paying cuddle professionals, you can get some of the benefits of touch and relating to people in a way that is safe and works for you. That sounds like a perfectly healthy way of behaving to me.

As for the underlying challenges, it may never be possible to find out what happened to you. It is likely there was some form of trauma in your childhood, but you may not remember it. And even if you do remember it, you may not recognise it as trauma. This general pattern, of mistrusting anybody who gets close, is something I've heard of before, more than once or twice.

Given that it's about relating to people, I would suggest that you consider looking into joining some kind of therapy group. The therapist is being paid, and the other members are there primarily to benefit themselves not harm somebody else. If they do attempt to harm another member emotionally, the therapist is there to intervene and protect. (And because there are several clients, it usually works out cheaper than individual therapy.)

With professional cuddling, there is a risk of the client becoming over-attached to the therapist. This affects everybody and is nothing to do with you in particular. There are two aspects to the solution. Firstly, be strict with boundaries. Sessions start and finish on time, stick strictly to the terms of service, and have no connection outside of the session except normal social pleasantries and arranging future sessions. The other aspect is to have connections with several professionals, and not see any particular one too frequently. This also means that if a professional stops cuddling for some reason the client is not left abandoned.

Great job for telling us, by the way. And some great responses. Forum at its best.

Edit: Oh, and my ulterior motives for writing this post are all something to do with making me feel good/better here and now. The plain fact is that within a matter of minutes I will forget I wrote it (and forget about you) until such time as the thread comes to my attention again.

ThomSSI

You may be in an unenviable position, but it’s one I strongly suspect is shared by many others of various roles in this community. Instead of completely withdrawing from human contact, you’ve found a way to connect that is safer and more predictable than other alternatives. Good for you—you’re doing the best you can right now to take care of yourself.

AnyoneAnyone

I'm 65 and am much like you, I think. I feel like no one should love me. I don't like me much, and it's ALL because I was Sexually molested by a family member when I was possibly VERY young. THAT'S why I don't feel love. I feel like I can't trust it to be real. I actually know exactly who my heart of hearts true love is, and have since I met her 43 years ago, and I can't have her. So, I guess I'm hoping I'm wrong about it, but I've never been more sure of anything in my life. My point being, you may have been molested as well. Your mind WILL try to forget, so, maybe it did. Don't be ashamed to see a therapist. I'm going to. I hope this helped some. DLS

BashfulLoner

@Ripley54566 i somewhat resemble your sentiments

zerocantaloupe

Ripley54566

Oh hey guys thank you so much for the support. Every single one of you has been so valuable in helping me figure things out.

I have noticed that a lot of my fears seem to be in line with unresolved trauma, but I can't remember if it was any specific event or if it was a bunch of smaller events conditioning the fear in me over time. I'm
currently looking for a therapist who specializes in trauma like people above said.

saltwaterlover

@Ripley54566
Wow, I can relate with you! I was just trying to explain this to someone earlier today and then I came across your post. It may not be the exact same as you, but I definitely see myself not being able to trust people very easily and the though of paying someone to cuddle sound much more secure to me. This has given me stuff to think about! Thanks for sharing

eros_agape

@Ripley54566 thank you so much for sharing! I am grateful this was the first post I’ve clicked on since joining. I am in awe of the level of vulnerability and transparency shown, as well as the amount of support!

CuddleDuncan

@Ripley54566 glad we could help.

@saltwaterlover engaging a professional cuddler isn't suitable for everybody. However, it is suitable for most people and it can be a very powerful and beneficial experience. Take your time, get to know this place a bit, and choose carefully. This is a social networking site (like Twitter or facebook) and not everybody who lists themselves as a professional has the same level of skill or care.

ThomSSI

Well put, @CuddleDuncan -
I’d add that Just because you’ve engaged a pro does not mean that person doesn’t come with traumas, challenges, damage, and unmet needs as well. Keep your expectations realistic. This can be therapeutic but it’s neither fair nor wise to impose the responsibilities of a therapist onto your cuddle partner.

BashfulLoner

@Ripley54566 i haven’t analyzed myself in regards to this subject, yet a lot of what you described feels familiar. I just want you to know you are not alone in this manner.

I do have a problem paying for cuddles because it makes the feeling worse. But i get it.