Gender Affirming Cuddling

Hathor

One thing I find very interesting is the way that traditional gender roles can sneak their way into the cuddle sphere. For example, the unspoken expectation for a man to be the big spoon. Of course this is fine if everyone involved wants that, but in my experience, men often want to feel held as well. So I think it’s important to proactively communicate with cuddle buddies to make sure everyone is getting what they want, rather than allowing assumptions to run the show.

In cases of gender nonconforming, non-binary or trans individuals, I think it can be especially important to communicate clearly about what the person wants. It is possible that certain positions may bring up gender dysphoria, for example, in the case of a trans person. I don’t think this discussion needs to be framed like, “you’re trans so let’s make this a big deal: WHAT DO YOU NEED” 😅 Really it’s more about acknowledging that if an individual has spent time not feeling fully at home in their body because gender constructs do not line up with how they experience themselves, it’s important to be mindful about that and communicate accordingly.

FelicityA

This is a very important topic that needs to be discussed more. I'm currently listed on snuggle salon and there is a list of Female cuddlers and a list of Male cuddlers. Clients who want a same day appointment can request their snuggle partner to be of a specific gender. But gender is complex. Someone can be a cis woman and masculine. Someone can be a binary trans man. I don't think a lot of the older cuddle clients (35+) understand that. Cuddle Companions is considered sketchy by many but at least they organize their cuddle providers by incall, outcall, and whatnot. Many people have dysphoria surrounding their chest, but don't wanna have to give a song and dance about their transition, every time they state their boundaries. I'm certified by Nurture Therapeutics and I've been a professional cuddler for 4 years for 4 different cuddle companies...nothing trans related has ever been brought up by admin, mods, employers, etc. Keep in mind I live in the SF Bay Area yet the conversation is still just beginning where I live.

WestsideMarc

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Minestrone101

@WestsideMarc Don't underthink it. This may not be an issue with you, but cuddle dynamics and positions might mean a lot to some folks.

GreyingBear

I was told by someone here that this site is fairly accepting of trans cuddlers. I wasn't sure if it was necessary to specify trans friendly on our profiles. (They suggested it wasn't necessary)

CuddleDuncan

Cuddle Comfort is based in the UK. Any form of discrimination against trans folks (or anybody else) is simply illegal here. This fits well with the ethos of the site, which is to welcome everybody.

As far as I can tell, there are significant differences between how the UK and the US approach this question. For example, the British military explicitly welcomes trans recruits and has done for some years. I believe the US military has a more complex approach.

Having said all that, gender and cuddling are more complex matters than they may first appear and when the two combine you can end up with something very nuanced indeed.

So I think it’s important to proactively communicate with cuddle buddies to make sure everyone is getting what they want, rather than allowing assumptions to run the show.

I quite agree, it's extremely important. When first asked if I wanted to be little spoon, I declined. A professional who knew me somewhat at the time .... well she didn't insist, perhaps encourage is a better word. I didn't much care for it. However, having practiced a few times, I'm much better at it now. Very glad she focussed on what I really needed, rather than what I thought I wanted. Had she followed the standard assumption, I wouldn't have done it and that would have been a loss.

I honestly don’t see how gender has anything to do with how affection or comfort is given, received or interpreted.

The fact that someone assigns such matters to specific genders only demonstrates their own naivety, judgment and bias.

MaxCuddle

Discussion on your cuddle position or boundaries should be done before a cuddle. Doesn't matter your gender or identity.

SunsetSnuggles

This reminds me of a discussion on another platform years ago, about how to treat a BBW correctly. In the end, most agreed that it's about how best to treat anyone, which is with respect and open communication. Whether someone be trans or not, I always find it the best policy, when spooning is suggested, to ask what their preference is. 😊 Personally, I'm female and I always prefer to be the big spoon.

~ Sunset Snuggles

Over time on the internet, I've found discussions like this to be a bit moot because the people who need to hear and interact with them are ever in the discussion. Gender DOES matter to most folks out there in the world; most AMAB folks will fall into the big spoon category, and most AFAB folk will fall into little spoon. Interact with a very high number of any gender and this becomes really apparent.

Whatever.

I’m a man (a short one) who loves being spooned by very tall women.

Stick a pin in that and attempt to quantify me and, trust me, it will get you nowhere.

ClubSamwiches

@CCBoy it must be really nice to sit on your cismale platform… You do not experience gender dysphoria, so how can you dismiss those who do as naive, judgemental, and bias? Your response is flippant and reaffirms why some people are insecure with how they want to express their gender vs how their gender is perceived. Social/gender conditioning is definitely a real thing and many people struggle with those ideologies.

Have some compassion for loves sake.

My compassion is in accepting people for who they are and to respect their views and beliefs.

However, all I ask in return is the same consideration - to allow me my views, and to choose to live the way I wish to live - without being reduced to a categorical box due to an opinion I might hold on one topic.

Being a guy and feeling pretty good about it….Should I be resented for that?

I don’t wish anyone to be in pain or suffer an identity issue of this magnitude, of course, but don’t come after folks who are content with their biological/social standing and accuse them of not having empathy. Or being out of touch.

Walk a mile in someone’s shoes.

CuddleDuncan

@CCBoy

I honestly don’t see how gender has anything to do with how affection or comfort is given, received or interpreted.

Well then you are a lucky fellow because in this thread you have an opportunity to learn something.

Minestrone101

@CCBoy Then why feel a need to shut down someone else's thread? You keep reiterating your point, then you say you respect others,

My compassion is in accepting people for who they are and to respect their views and beliefs.

then you proceed to disrespect the premise of the thread bc it doesn't affect you.

Shutting down someone's point of view can be seen as causing pain;

I don’t wish anyone to be in pain or suffer an identity issue of this magnitude

then you call yourself the victim and try to make the thread about you.

to live the way I wish to live - without being reduced to a categorical box due to an opinion I might hold on one topic.

Walk a mile in someone’s shoes

It seems like you are only capable of doing this if they're wearing your shoes. Also, it seems like you're offended that a conversation is taking place that doesn't involve you - you had to make yourself the center piece of the thread.

As usual - misinterpretation reigns supreme. Makes me dizzy. Like talking to a child.

Minestrone101

Even with textual evidence lol. The Nile is not just a river in Africa!

quixotic_life

I'm fully confused as to why anyone is jumping on what @CCBoy has said here.

I've read his comments multiple times and all I'm getting is a cismale who's happy with his lot, doesn't see why people need to be put in boxes and thinks everyone (all genders) should get cuddles/affection.

Why isn't his POV just as worthy as anyone else's? And what's so bad about it? Really??

Those who are "woke" shouldn't be parcing other people's words. They should instead be seeking to understand and encourage conversation and expand upon common ground. IMO.

Things like "When I read ___, I understand that to mean ___. Was that what you meant?" Or, "Can you elaborate on your thoughts related to ___? I'd like to better understand where you're coming from." Or send a DM, "Hi @____, Just a heads up that the way you put that (quote/note thread) can be problematic because ____. Not sure if that was you're intent, but thought you might like to know."

pmvines

@quixotic_life I agree with you . I do feel like the comment was not done with tact and likely was trying to get a rise, but the actual concept of him expressing his feelings about the topic and stating his truth isnt really all bad from wiat I can see.

You and I are both similar in age , and in that we both have children and family /friends in the LGBTQ community, with my son being pansexual and gender fluid and so far has had 2 long term relationships, both with transgendered female to male . And we also both prob are to one extent or another somewhere in the rainbow spectrum ourselves, but just not sure how to define it, or necessarily even want to . I say all that to say that we are both proud allies , and have had enough exposure under our belts to be able to offer some perspective. I'm a liberal minded social worker who grew up in the anarchist punk scene in the south, and actually fought injustice way before it was cool, and have gone toe to toe with nazi skinheads , gay bashers, redneck jocks , and crooked cops long before you could just go online and post feel good rallying statements from the comfort of your homes. Resist wasnt just a slogan on a tshirt but a lifestyle. I agree that it seems rather common to accept straight white male bashing, and that is completely contradictory to the mission of expanding and promoting acceptance. And it seems the people who yell the most are usually the ones who dont truly even have a dog in the fight, but rather want to get the super woke person of the year award so they can pat themselves on the backs and talk in echo chambers about how much of a difference they make in the world, because hey it's not actions that matter but words , right ? And I'm not even talking about anybody particular in this thread, just a general statement because it is def a thing.

Practice acceptance of everybody, even those who are status quo and "normies". If they arent harming anybody or promoting hate and intolerance, just
leave them be. Stop the entitled attitude that the world owes you concessions. Not everyone will be like.you or even agree with you, and they may argue and not see your side of things and that will make you feel a certain way sometimes . Like in the above comment. But that doesn't mean they disapprove or hate you. Acceptance of all sides is acceptance, otherwise you arent accepting .

warm_embrace

I am a white, cis/het, male Baby Boomer and I have experienced the world through a lens of privilege. While my life experience and perceptions of the world are valid, they are by no means universal.

I may have gained some wisdom over the years, but I don’t pretend to understand a trans, asexual, or non binary person’s journey or challenges. It seems funny sometimes when I realize that the older and wiser I get, the less I talk, and the more I listen.

To those of you who contributed to this discussion and shedding light on these issues; thank you for your labor.

snugbuddy

@warm_embrace you are fortunate to have been privileged. But being privileged has nothing to do with one's identity. There are people who are privileged and non-privileged of all identities. If anyone denies this this they are either not informed, blinded by ideology or bias, or lying. When we cut through the victimhood ideology and boil down to the essence, anyone who is walking around healthy is privileged. If you don't think so go to a children's cancer ward, or nursing home hospice, or veterans hospital. From the perspective of one in a hospital bed fighting for one's life anyone who is healthy and walking through the hallways will seem privileged.

The man complained that the cross he had to bear was was too big. He was taken into a warehouse so he could choose a new cross. There were a whole bunch of big crosses. Standing in the corner was a cross much smaller than the others. The man said, that small cross in the corner is the one I want. He was told: that is the cross that you have been bearing.

Minestrone101

We can't really have a full discussion about social dynamics without going into politics, so I'm gonna leave it alone. I will say if you really think you're being marginalized and unfairly targeted, then start a separate thread. This thread has more input from some folks than the target audience.

"I look like that stud from Cruel Intentions,
Yes, you do! But you're supposed to be singing about Anne."

1:52

CozyWolfy

Really good thread 👏 I think it's a great thing to be aware of, and a great reminder to not assume someone's spoon preference on gender stereotypes.
I prefer being a big spoon more usually and it's great when me and a cuddle buddy discuss what we are comfortable with. If I just go an cuddle someone and it's assumed I'm the small spoon it can be super awkward an clostrophobic.
Plus there are plenty of no spoon types of cuddles that could be a good compromise.
I know a lot of people who get dysphoria and I can definitely see how something like that might effect them.
So ya.. good to comunicate and not assume anyone's cuddle preferences.