How can you spot a wolf in sheep clothing?

This is my middle of the night thought. How can you tell if someone acts as if they’re nice, but they’re really evil or nasty in reality? I ask this because I tend to be too trusting and don’t want to trust the wrong person. I also tend to see the good in everyone. Do those people exhibit any kind of behaviors that show that they’re a wolf in sheep clothing?

DaringSprinter

It'll differ depending on the "wolf," what they're after, and where you meet them.

If there were consistent tells, any competent wolf would hide those behaviors, wouldn't they? Sure, you can keep an eye out for things like how they treat people they aren't trying to cozy up to—waiters, checkers, etc. That can help. But not all wolves will slip up that way, and some situations don't allow for that test anyway!

All you can really do is listen to your gut and never be any more vulnerable than you can help. If a nasty person is never in a position where they can get away with being nasty to you, they'll probably stay nice.

Trust, but not foolishly. Build safety nets into all your interactions, where you can. Even "wolves" can usually be trusted to keep themselves safe.

@DaringSprinter good point. I’m usually on the lookout for things like how they treat retail workers, waiters, etc. and how they conduct themselves overall. I’m also very intuitive, and if I get a bad vibe from someone, I don’t spend my time with them. My gut is right most of the time, but I hope there doesn’t come a day when my guy tells me a person is good, but they’re actually bad.

Minestrone101

A few ones I've observed from personal experience and observation and research:

1. They usually choose a single target
2. That target is not always weak but as adults the targets can be hardworking, outgoing, and popular
3. They'll be nice to your face or maybe they'll ignore or snub you (never aggressively mean in front)
4. They'll spread rumors about your or tell friends/family members/supervisors false rumors or half-truths about you
5. You'll never truly know what was said about you but you'll have suspicions
6. They'll deny anything if confronted
7. Your sense of self-esteem will be hit and you might fall into a depression or even feel you're becoming paranoid

Ways to counter this stuff:

1. Be as direct and aggressive earlier on with this person to nip it in the bud; when momentum develops, they usually won't stop
2. If this is at work, write and document actions and communications in case you need to bring it up to HR later
3. Tell your close circle to ignore this person and not tell them any of your business
4. Speak w a supervisor or authority figure; if they've already got into the person's head, consider switching organizations
5. Stay calm and ignore them- they get a rise if you react to them

I've had experiences like this at martial arts schools, social groups, and at work. The person acting usually has low self-esteem, creates a fake person's around big groups, has traits of a sociopath (I read 1 in 60 pple are sociopaths), and they tend to react emotionally or gaslight when you reveal the truth.

This has helped me in the past, and also reading The Book of Five Rings (about samurai fighting) - maybe the Art of War will be helpful.

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Enemies?amp=1

The movie Unbreakable talks about a specific type of person. I can't find the quote but it's the scene where Elijah Price's mom is talking to the main character in the gallery about comic book characters and how the archvillain always has eyes that are bigger or disproportionate in size due to a skewed view of the world. This scene sort of talks about it:

Moral of the story: trust friends, and close family members, don't be overly trustful of acquaintances, strangers, or co-workers/supervisors. When someone betrays you, don't default back to some sentimental memory of them or some inner goodness they possess or how it's a one off accident: they are now your adversary and will spend their free time to sabotage or destroy anything you try to build. If you aren't, learn to be confrontational.

CharlieBear

There are some hidden role board games I play that involve needing to be deceptive in order to win. It’s very interesting to see how manipulative or good at lying your friends and family can be. If you want to see how others act when they are playing a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I think games like this are great practice for it.

Minestrone101

@Charlie_Bear There's the catch though: just bc someone can do something, doesn't mean they will.

It takes a certain value system or lack of in order to seek harm on someone incrementally across a long term period.

That's why I think we should keep a sharp eye on some pple. Some folks might do something out of opportunity, or as a one off thing, or due to a misunderstanding. Then there are others who are more calculated and two faced and ambitious, and we should monitor them closely. Sometimes they'll exhibit signs of personality disorders (lying, cheating, gaslighting, passive-aggressive, fake personas, etc.).

Here's one famous outting (foul language) -hot mic:

DaringSprinter

@Emerald20772: I've thought about this a lot—that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain.

My parents, for instance, are to all appearances wonderful people. They're nice to pretty much everybody. Super polite, thoughtful, kind. Just don't let them have any power over you, or they'll use it to hurt you!

There's no surefire way to tell what kind of person someone else is. You just have to make hurting you as risky as possible.

The people who weren't going to hurt you anyway won't mind if you let your phone be tracked, or call somebody else for a security check-in every once in a while, or say no to something probably harmless that you just don't want: an open drink, say, or a particular cuddle position.

The people who were going to push boundaries will be bothered no matter what: better to stop them early rather than late, and have precautions in place even when you don't need them.

Like @cylee1180 says: assert your boundaries, be direct, get others involved.

It's safer (and more social).

BoomerSpooner

It has been my experience that the sheep’s clothing is ill-fitting when the wolf wears them. Little Red Riding Hood was just slow on the uptake.

There are signs if one takes a step back. Love bombing is an example of what you are talking about—extravagant gestures to lure you into their trap. If it’s too good to be true, it is. If they are too nice to be believed, then don’t believe it. Trust your gut.

I think another sign is they want to rush you into making a decision on a proposal that is based on their ground rules, but is presented sweetly. A last minute cuddle session in a part of town you are unfamiliar with and without meeting publicly is an example with the promise of a dinner at a nice restaurant after the session. The five star restaurant gesture acts as a smokescreen to distract you from the red flags. There is always something.

The saying a wolf in sheep’s clothing is also a metaphor for a sociopath. A sociopath can model ideal behavior because they see the benefit in it for themselves, so of course they will exhibit kindness and empathy until you push back. If the smile drops or the words are not as sweet you push back, or they question why you are not necessarily trusting of them, then the wolf is peeking out from the curly white wool.

waynewv

I agree with several on the gut feelings, I have heard from a few pro’s that we’re glad they went by there gut feelings.
I think meeting out in public is great, my very 1st cuddle was with a Pro and we met for ice cream and chatted and she felt comfortable with setting up a cuddle date for a few days later.
I also met a non pro for breakfast and we chatted and the waitress kind of messed up our order and she later told me that she watched very closely how I handled it.
I was very surprised that she thought to do that, so after breakfast we had a great cuddle.
I have learned to not leave any meds in the bathroom that a guest would use !!!!
To be fair, that happened with someone from another site that is now gone.

PlantDaddyPHL

If this question is just about cuddling wolves, I'm poorly qualified to answer. I've had one cuddle, so far, and it went extremely well. I declined a cuddle once, because on the phone the guy had a bitchy edge that I'd overlook in a friend, but that seemed overly familiar for a first phone call. I love good sarcasm, and even a witty insult, but if it comes from someone I barely know, it's a red flag for me. The same guy also talked way too much about sex. Repeatedly talking over me, or showing no curiosity about me, are also warning signs in a new acquaintance. Someone who does these things may not rise to wolf, but they pose a risk of being an asshole.

As for life generally, i'm surprised that, as old as I am, I haven't met too many wolves in sheep's clothing. Most of my wolves were in wolves clothing from the jump, but I was unable to elude them, or I hadn't yet learned what I could expect from others. I walk away from potential trouble much more quickly than I did when I was young.

I'm with those who say trust your gut. Also be especially mindful if you're sexually attracted to someone. It really interferes with one's ability to heed the warning signs. I rue the day I first laid eyes on my realtor.

MxSmith

@FunCartel right on! I was thinking that too, "sheeps clothes" means sociopath or psychopath. An interesting thing to consider, when people have certain emotions, they exhibit matching behaviors. Example: fear = hiding or running away. Empathy, likewise has behaviors that match like a certain care in one's eyes, voice tone, or even the timing of when to respond. Perhaps reaching out a hand in condolence or reassurance. Empathy behaviors are more nuanced than fear responses and are harder to fake.

For psychopaths who don't really feel empathy, you should look for body language cues. If you've just had an interaction with someone that sounded right but felt off, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. You might not even know what your animal brain was picking up on, but it's important.

quixotic_life

Depends on the wolf's objectives...
But as mentioned, love-bombing is huge!!
Not just compliments or light touches, but they're up for anything you want to do, they also don't have their own boundaries ("I'll respect yours but you can do whatever"), and you're all they seem to focus on (making you happy vs just being happy to be together are very different) and they don't have relationships with others you can relate to...
Eventually they start to show themselves (afterall that sheep outfit is snug and gets kinda hot) and it starts small, like little tests. Making you question your perception of reality is a classic! Distraction is harder to spot at first, but it's another big tell. And reminding you of how wonderful they are ~ I've recently wished I'd known this was a sign!!
I think the worst part is that as Red Ridinghoods we litterally wear who we are and make ourselves easily spotted as prey. I think in all honesty, the best way to deal with wolves, is to not send out signals that draw them to you.

cde123

I think it's really difficult because the high-functioning types are very good at masking their behavior, especially when there is something they want like power, sex and money. But here are a few hints I've noticed recently.

Sociopaths are apparently unable to recognize emotion like normal human beings. Because of this, they often develop elaborate coping mechanisms, which can provide hints. One person I'm pretty sure was, would always dominate every conversation, but also would get really uncomfortable if they couldn't see your face/reaction. This person let slip they were intentionally twisting people, seeing how far they could go. So, try ignoring these people or cutting off their feedback mechanisms. If they feel they are losing at their goal, they may show their true colors.

Some ruthless people show their cards early, for example one person who proudly shared his favorite book, the 48 Laws of Power. This is a guide to ruthless, Machiavellian politics. Sure enough, this individual was all about playing power games and pushing people down so he could shine. I think you could use this book to test people. People who like this book, are probably bad people. Personally I find it revolting. I understand it's banned in many jails and schools.

Another hint is asking people how they feel about philanthropy. I've met people who think giving money to help others is absolutely ridiculous—people with the means to do so, and yet, missing any inclination to do so, always putting themselves first. Decent, empathetic people should feel some pull to help others.

BoomerSpooner

And reminding you of how wonderful they are

@quixotic_life YES! This is one that is often overlooked. I forget to even think about it because like here on the forum the ones that enjoy tooting their own horn are the first ones I scratch off the list of prospective cuddlers. Good one. Narcissists can wear sheep’s clothing but they eventually make sure it comes back around to them, their need for gratification, their need to be the central focus, and the craving they have to have you be their echo chamber of repeated praise for their perceived greatness.

CozyWolfy

Awoooooo 🐺

TNNative

@Emerald20772 ... I like what others have written, but I am going to suggest something a little different ... instead of looking outward and watching others for signs of deception, consider looking inward to get to know yourself REALLY well, that way when your red flags are sent flying, you will know. This is really just an extension of listening to your gut, but how do we pay attention unless we are familiar and listening? ... I too can be overly trusting at times, however, I am learning to know my patterns of interactions and creating what I believe are appropriate boundaries that will (hopefully) help me be safe in future endeavors.

PlantDaddyPHL

I think people might be getting a little too focused on ASPD and related. I've known textbook psychopaths for sure, but the damage they did to me personally was far less than what I experienced from people who had the normal complement of appropriate emotions, a fair number of healthy relationships, and standing in their communities.

The average wolf isn't a wolf full-time. What makes a wolf is an encounter with someone they put outside their circle of moral consideration, or someone from whom they want something very keenly who doesn't want to give it, or someone who poses a threat to something they want to keep, like their good reputation, for instance. I think the average psychopath is a hamfisted amateur next to the status-conscious conformist with clout, who's genuinely affable, has keen instincts about sucking up and punching down, and a boundless capacity for rationalizing anything they do.

Most anti-socials don't function very well because they don't have fun the way other people do, they don't play well with others, and they don't form normal bonds. This makes them fairly unappealing to many normal people. These are certainly the people that will trigger your spidey sense. But the people that can really fuck you up won't trigger your alarms, because there is nothing about them that would warrant placement in the DSM, and nine out of ten people in their midst think they're the bees knees. Some of the best people are the worst people is what I'm saying. It's hierarchies and specific conditions that produce most creeps, not a screw loose in the brain that you can see in their eyes.

The Dark Triad probably counts for more when it comes to sussing out danger in a potential cuddler, but for much less when it comes to quotidian nastiness in human affairs.

stormydaycuddle

trust your instincts. Even if there are no visible red flags if you think it won't work out well deep down don't do it. I ignored mine this last week and the results were disastrous. Its something we all need to remember. Our internal compasses are usually right.

warm_embrace

@PlantDaddyPHL, well said!

RadiantHugs

I think I'll wear a sheep costume for Halloween this year. Trust me, it will be very easy to spot me.

CharlieBear

@cylee1180 oh yeah, I def understand what it’s like having someone very close to you end up being that way. I like playing the games to practice being the wolf myself because it really really sucks being on the receiving end of that level of manipulation and deceit. I need to make myself less susceptible to it.

@cde123 For a second I thought I had that book. Turns out... I have The Laws of Human Nature by the same author. 😬

cuddler5617

Great answers everyone. When it comes to cuddling I would say just be cautious on your surroundings. For example they may be nice in messages, and during first meet, then have opened food and drink during a session. This may be harmless but opens the door.

If they say something that is strange or doesn’t set right. Wait awhile and then ask the same question worded slightly different and see if you get the same response. Normally a story that is a lie will change a little.

That’s the only two things I can think of that we’re not answered but they may have, I didn’t read every comment word for word.

Minestrone101

@Charlie_Bear For sure. It can jarring the first time.

Ripley54566

Pay close attention to how they talk about other people, especially their closest friends/family.

Someone who constantly criticizes and ridicules everyone in their life and the world around them but acts nice towards you when you are in their presence is a very good indicator of one. It can be very easy to get caught up in their victim mentality out of empathy and support.

On the contrary, one of the biggest green flags for me in a person is someone who naturally has a positive attitude towards other people, even when they aren't around.

Everyone is a Wolf... You must make "finding out what the other person really wants" your goal. Everyone wants something, and if that something is compatible with what you want, then there's no problem. The problem is when we want different things and the two parties haven't been upfront about what they want and what they are willing to do to get what they want, out of life, out of love, whatever the situation. If you make listening your all-consuming task for a short period of time, you can get a better understanding of what the other person really wants, and you can make an informed decision on if that's compatible with what you really want.

warm_embrace

@CuddlesByDeep, I beat you to it! (Halloween 2017)