I’m paying you to leave

Hathor

One of my cuddle regulars said something I found very insightful about our relationship as a pro cuddler and client. He said he was reflecting on the benefits of hiring a pro as opposed to, say, finding someone on a dating app and trying to have an experience that’s simply limited to cuddling. He expressed that, while it could be possible to find someone who is open to that kind of experience, the parameters around the cuddling are unclear. How long are we doing this for? Are you expecting to stay the night? Would you be offended if I said I didn’t want you to stay? What are other unspoken expectations around communication after hanging out and cuddling?

What he arrived at was this: yes, he is paying me to cuddle with him, but he is also paying me to leave. He is paying me to be there for a finite amount of time, during which I am fully present for that physical and emotional experience, and that when it’s time to go, I go. I don’t need him to convince me that it’s time to go, because we have agreed on a time. I don’t need him to follow up with me the next day or do anything else. The transactional nature of our interaction is exactly what makes it safe for us to comfortably explore platonic intimacy together. The boundaries are clear and this makes it more sustainable.

Does this make sense? Anyone else feel this way, or do you have a different perspective?

thatsteveguy

Makes total sense. The reason I do this (as well as have a rotation of FWB) is because it’s the best of both worlds without the drama of a relationship. Especially out here in Cali, seems like every girl I ever met has some serious mental issues

Hathor

@thatsteveguy ooh yikes! Sounds like you’re projecting a lot onto the women you meet. Maybe reflect on your own behavior patterns?

thatsteveguy

Projecting lol. Sounds like something a super liberal person would say. I don’t project anything or get emotional about anything as I said. Just like your person you were referring to, it’s simply for the cuddle feelz and that’s it. The other stuff I save for my friends with benefits

IsMeArrggh

Very interesting point of view and I guess it’s right. Although with some pros we felt so in tune that we just stayed past our agreed time and it was ok. But yes, I think more so it’s to stop any emotional entanglement or misunderstanding?

Sometimes people have personal goals that limit their availability and mental capacity. So cuddling professionals is the best way they have their comfort! Best of both worlds. I disagree with that Steve guy though.

TheFunCartel

@thatsteveguy I go out to Cali 10-12 weeks out of the year and I really haven’t had an issue with unstable women. Projecting is a clinical term and not reserved for the “super liberal person”. But you seem to put people in boxes and label them, so perhaps she is correct.

Babichev

I once knew a plumber who said he was married and divorced seven times. He claimed all his wives were crazy. One of our coworkers said, “You gotta wonder why someone would make the same mistake that many times?” He was choosing them, he was the common denominator.”

Another friend: “I always know who is the craziest person in the room, it’s the one I’m attracted to.”

There is a saying that when a pickpocket meets a saint, all he can see is pockets. Just sayin’.

Hathor

@IsMeArrggh I think, rather than saying it's to stop an emotional entanglement, it'a more to create clarity about what the parameters of the connection are. Maybe i'm just saying what you said but in different words? I guess I'm more saying that, for people who are at a point in their lives due to work, breakups, or other emotional situations, it might be preferable to avoid ambiguity. I think clarity is valuable in all relationships, professional or not.

Hathor

@catiecare yes! there are many reasons why people might not want more intimacy than a set window of time. I think that's what i'm getting at.

TheFunCartel

@Babichev Or to put it another way:

Babichev

But back to the OP - that’s an interesting and insightful comment from the client. Thanks for sharing it.

zerocantaloupe

You know this is a variation of a quote said by rich men about prostitutes, right?
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2020/01/15/pay/

pmvines

@thatsteveguy projecting is a clinical term used by psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and social workers such as myself, howeverr anybody with a vague understanding of the term and how it is defined can use it. I learned it when I was maybe 15 in a high school class. And believe me there are plenty of those who dont classify themselves as being liberal . But you go ahead and and keep assigning basic terms that are mostly common knowledge to most mildly educated people within the human language as being meant only for certain group identities if that makes you feel better. Certainly can't make you feel smart though.

thatsteveguy

That’s a super cool story.

TheFunCartel

I keep paying myself to leave yet here I am. Let those eye rollers start up. But instead of rolling your eyes, pass the hat. I probably have a price.

carino

Not sure what your trying to get at lol..you pay the person you are going to cuddle with x amount of time.and you leave 🙄

TheFunCartel

@carino I think she is trying to see if this is the view most of her clients hold or if it’s something else. Kind of like a marketing survey.

zerocantaloupe

My understanding is that the phrase is a flex: that his lifestyle is so good, that he could get any woman to come over, but he needs to pay for cuddles so that the woman doesn't expect commitment/relationships afterward. At least that's what the Quote Investigator article says.

pmvines

I can relate to what OP brings up because, as much as I enjoy people, I often enjoy my space more . I cant really handle the commitments of hanging out for really long stretches, or.adhering to what someome else wants to do. I'm kinda old and set in my ways , and have a hard time compromising who I am , which we often times do when we are with others whether we realise it or not . So knowing that you are all in for a certain thing with somebody for a set amount of time and then you have the rest of the day to focus on yourself and other things, and go back into your turtle shell seems comforting to me.

Particularly if you are an introvert, you can need alone time to recharge your batteries. And if you're with someone in a relationship who doesn't get that, it can be hard conveying it without their taking it personally.

DaringSprinter

On the original topic: I think that makes perfect sense. Human relationships that aren't business or business-like, with clearly defined boundaries, tend to grow in less controlled ways.

Unless you're completely repulsive (and sometimes even then), people who spend time around you will feel more comfortable with you. This is especially true when they're getting something they value out of spending time around you, be it money or a comforting cuddle. Usually they'll try to get something else—emotional support at random times, say, or more information about you.

And that can be fine. It's how things like friendship grow. But if you don't want that (and believe me, I understand; a good friendship takes work), it just makes sense to make things business-like, set up your boundaries where you want them, and pay your cuddler to leave (that is, to respect your boundaries).

Off-topic: If everyone on the one-way you're driving seems to be going the wrong way, you may want to pull over and have a think.

tinc

Succinct description of what many men, even the best ones, are experiencing amidst the “women empowerment” crusade.

CharlieBear

I don’t view it as paying someone to leave. It seems like I would be putting myself up on a pedestal to justify spending money on cuddles; as if I am the one doing them the service and to avoid them sticking around I pay them when I’m done with them. I know that is not what OP means though. I don’t need to create a reason why I would pay for cuddles. If I have a need to cuddle, and someone is willing to help fulfill that need that isn’t part of my personal circle of family/friends, then I will compensate them for their time. I don’t see it as anything to be ashamed of or in need of justification. If my mom needs me to fix her computer, I’ll drop what I’m doing and will fix it for her (for free of course.) If her coworker needs their computer fixed, we arrange a time/date and they compensate me for my time. I know platonic cuddling provides a much more personal connection, but the compensation aspect seems the same to me.

Edit: And as far as rates are concerned, IT work may require more technical proficiency, but I am also not afraid of being sexually assaulted while doing it. So a pro cuddler charging a high rate isn’t really a concern, especially when it’s their primary source of income (and they are in a much better position to get paid what they deserve.)

Jubal

Didnt Charlie Harper say something like this in Two and a Half Men?

I could phrase it more tactfully, but yes, part of the deal with pro cuddlers is that you're paying for a limited amount of their time. When the time is up, its time to leave. No obligations or pressures to stay longer, or having to figure out a tactful way of saying "please leave".

Now to be fair, when youre having a good cuddle session, you dont want it to end. But time has a way of passing whether we want it to or not.

_marC

Thank you for that original post it really is insightful and I love the way you explained it I never would have thought Paying someone to leave is something that I'm doing on this website but when do you explain it that way it makes so much more sense

cde123

Professional boundaries are important, and I hope clients and pros with the same expectations meet and thrive together.

Hathor

@zerocantaloupe nope! I didn’t know that. But it makes sense to me. Many human relationships are transactional, and I don’t think that’s an inherently negative thing. I also don’t think being a “prostitute” (the cool kids are calling it “sex worker” these days, btw) is a negative thing either.

Also it definitely wasn’t a flex! He was praising the ease of being able to arrange it clearly. Not sure which part of that is a flex 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hathor

@WriterGF @pmvines these are both examples of what I’m describing! I think it’s a particular type of cuddle client. Not everyone is an introvert, not everyone needs that recharge time. But some do! And the pro setup makes it easier.

Hathor

Wow! It’s very interesting that all I did was post a perspective someone shared and it set off such a spirited discussion. I guess I hit a nerve…? Or maybe people are just looking for an excuse to be argumentative on the internet 😅

biancalovecraft

Its not a particularly ground breaking insight. It's a well worn adage that has been put to use in an adjacent business.
Its nice when people can acknowledge that choice though, especially for the provider. There are people here who will argue that professionals don't care about their clients because of these professional boundaries, without ever noticing that's what they came for.
Knowing, accepting, and expressing, what you do or don't have to offer in relationships IS victoriously insightful, rare, and an enormous service to all the people you didn't entangle, use, confuse, and traumatize. It's actually my favorite and most admired trait in my clients.