One of you is a Cuddler, the other is not - balancing cuddling outside of a committed relationship

I am new to CC but my husband is a long term participant. I joined to try to better understand him and the need to cuddle other people. I am very affectionate and cuddly so a large part of me doesn’t understand it. I am hoping to get a broader perspective on it from those that are in committed relationships and actively cuddle with others. How do you balance it and ensure your partner and you feel secure in your relationship together? Thanks for sharing you thoughts.

cuddles_ndream

Glad you posted 🌌 it puts into perspective the many questions throughout the forums asking, “cuddling while married/ in a relationship… is it ok?” And the answer is always yes, if those in the relationship know about it and are fine with it, then is perfectly fine … hiding it is different.

Sheena123

That’s awesome that you want to understand different aspects of it. Being open and connective with your partner is so important!

I have a thought: even though you are super cuddly, maybe he’s on this site because he likes different styles of cuddling! As a pro, I’ve come to realize every cuddler that comes to me is different. Some like to provide me with cuddles as a giver, while others want the attention on them 100%! Some like mama bear type positions and more creative positions that give maximum cuddly comfort, while other prefer classics like spooning.

Some come to me merely to talk or have a conversation with some occasional advice.

It just depends on the person. When you asked him this question, what was his answer?

@Sheena123 he often says it’s because he lacks friends and wants to make more connections. He is highly introverted so I realize social situations are hard for him. I do have some trauma from being cheated on in previous relationships so it is very hard for me to trust men and women alone together in initiate settings. I am not going to lie…the cuddling does leave me feeling less than great about his love for me.

@Sheena123 also thank you for commenting…I really appreciate what you shared. ❤️

Sheena123

@TessArmstrong21

I can understand that. It doesn’t help that the idea of cuddling is still so new. A lot of people conflate cuddling with sexual intimacy so it makes sense that considering what you’ve already been through, there’s that fear of it happening again.

It does require a lot of trust but see if he can talk you through it and help you to feel more comfortable. If it’s honestly not something you can see yourself feeling good about, I wouldn’t want you to feel this uncomfortable for a long enough time where your happiness isn’t taken into consideration.

Maybe see if he can have you join him when meeting up with other cuddlers. So you think he would be open to that?

@Sheena123 thank you again. You seem to get it from my perspective as well. Relief…there is so much fear involved. I would definitely be down to going along with him. I am worried the cuddling is creating a divide and I know we love each other very much so I am not willing to let that happen. Life is very stressful for us right now too and we both cope differently. My goal is that we support each other through all of it.

Sheena123

@TessArmstrong21 you’re so welcome! I’m sure he knows you love him to pieces, but if you’re cool with coming along with him to meet and greet cuddlers, definitely ask! I hope you guys talk it through and he sees your concern. Plus, you’ll probably meet some more friends along the way too!!

Good luck!!!

Hathor

@TessArmstrong21 I think it’s great you’re being proactive and exploring this…ah..scene? Subculture? Not sure what to call it.

I think that, in the past, concepts of monogamy have been conflated with ideas about how much you love someone. Phrases like “I married my best friend,” or “my better half” reinforce the idea that one person is supposed to be a one-stop-shop for all of our sexual, emotional, social and physical needs. That’s a lot of pressure to put in one individual person! In this model, if someone goes outside the relationship to fulfill a specific need, even if it’s not a sexual need, the other partner can experience feelings of betrayal and rejection (especially if infidelity is a tender spot from past experiences.)

As a pro cuddler, I can confidently say that I do not have sex with my clients, however the experience we share is definitely intimate. We are sharing physical space, often we will have conversations about very personal topics. So it’s understandable if that brings up some feelings for you.

My only insight is to say that, at least in my perspective, having someone go “outside the relationship” to seek connection is actually a pretty normal thing. The nuclear family model is a relatively modern phenomenon and it’s not always that great for overall mental and emotional wellness. Most people need multiple relationships in their lives to feel socially fulfilled.

The book “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel is an amazing look into this and I think it might be a comforting thing to read if you have the bandwidth. (I listened to the audiobook.)

I sincerely wish you and your husband all the best with everything. 🤍

@Hathor thank you. I think part of this stems from some blurred lines in cuddling and boundaries. For some cuddling is simply holding someone and chatting or what not but others take it further into kissing and more sensual touches. If one has those temptations or crosses a line that their partner would not approve of, then is cuddling really “safe.” Just some thoughts…maybe it my trauma talking but hence why I started the discussion. Thank you so much for everything you said. I will certainly check the book out.
Wishing you love and light! ❤️

BadIdeas

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Just my perspective

GreatHornedOwl

@TessArmstrong21 - There are many reasons why someone in a relationship might also want to cuddle. There also some valid reasons why they might hide it from their significant other. I'm a married man, and if you want to know more, it's spelled out in my profile.

The bottom line, is that he is seeking something that he feels he is missing at home. Whatever that is, cuddling isn't the only place for him to look for it. I found some of what I was looking for, not only in cuddling, but also in having female cyber friends that were so far away, that there is no chance that we would ever meet. In your husband's case, he might not even fully comprehend what it is that he's looking for.

I would offer two pieces of advice for you. First, stay active on the forums. You may never find a single topic that will be as helpful as the others, and many will be downright useless. However, as a whole, they will gradually help you understand cuddling.

Second, I would suggest that for your first cuddling experience, make it with a pro who has lots of karma. I you start out with an enthusiast, you run the risk of getting one who has a much less rigorous concept of platonic, than do the rest of us. To paraphrase Napoleon the pig, All cuddlers are platonic, but some cuddlers are less platonic that others.

P.S.
After I finished this, I saw your last post. Is it possible that you haven't seen:

"Personal Boundaries

You agree to never use this Website for the intent of meeting another member for sex. You also agree to never attempt to progress a meeting, organised via this website, to a sexual nature.

When communicating with another member, you agree to never indicate a desire to cuddle while doing any of the following: (1) being nude, (2) wearing only underwear, (3) kissing, (4) groping, (5) satisfying a fetish or kink, and (6) anything of a non-platonic nature."

@GreatHornedOwl thank you! I appreciate your openness and also reiterating the rules for the sight as I have missed some of those. That helps tremendously. I consider myself to be open minded but I feel much of how I feel is being thrown to the side. So I am trying to create a space for understanding…no one likes feeling hurt and it is helpful to see there are others here that are in the same boat as it were. Thank you again. ❤️

xelda

@TessArmstrong21 Like others, I think it's great that you are willing to challenge your fears and beliefs to try to better understand your husband! Him being open with you, and inviting you to this site shows he wants you to understand also, and is a testament to your love and connection.

I'm also an introvert, find it difficult to make friends, yet relish meaningful connections of all kinds. I have burned out partners in the past with my relationship needs... and I'm not talking sex here. Because of my capacity to be in deep relationships, putting that all on one person is hard for both of us. I've been needy, codependent, controlling, demanding, etc. Spreading my capacity around to others has helped me create more balance and healthier relationships. Because I'm getting my needs met in a variety of ways from a variety of people, I'm a much better partner and happier person!

The fear that boundaries will be crossed can mean so many things. We can fear that our loved ones will become emotionally intimate with others in a way that feels threatening to us. But putting limits on our loved ones' capacity to care for others can also be problematic. We don't own people. When we do that, it can breed resentment, lying, betrayal.

Being honest and ethical is key to it, and it sounds like you two are already on the right track with that. Stick around, maybe you'll find some of your own cuddle buddies!

achetocuddle

It is believable that your spouse wants to cuddle to make connections. It is part of the reason I do it. I've noticed that talking and connecting to other people is good for a relationship. If you find cuddlers it will be good, cause it should give him better understanding of you and your feelings and hopefully you will have good cuddlers that enrich you and his perspective will be easier to understand.

I agree with the posts here, but you are wise and not wrong to be aware that there are potential pitfalls. I've also been cheated on and I would not be as easygoing about cuddling in a relationship. This is not a popular viewpoint. It may not be a correct viewpoint either. I'm just saying I know where you are coming from.

The one thing I'm sure of is that relationships are strengthened when the couple has new things to discuss.

SunsetSnuggles

@TessArmstrong21 Big hugs going out to you. In your responses on this thread, you say that you aren't comfortable with your husband's involvement in cuddling, that you feel it's dividing you, and that it causes you to feel insecure in his love. Given these feelings of yours, if I were your significant other, I would suspend all cuddling and focus on the marriage until I had your comfort and consent.

It's great that you are aware he's on the site (most wives aren't), but awareness isn't consent and that should be a priority in a respectful relationship.

All that being said, I'm one of the few here who is in a relationship whose significant other is fully aware of and supports my involvement in the cuddle community. I would be happy to answer any questions you may have, here or in PM.

As for your initial question about ensuring my partner feels secure...easy, I asked his consent. I told him about the site, about the people I chatted with. Asked him his thoughts, if he was okay with it. Asked him how he would feel if I cuddled other people, how I might cuddle them, where, and on and on. We talked about cuddling for a few months before I ever met anyone from here, in person. When I did meet them, it was with his blessing...not begrudged, but with trust and a true desire for me to share my love language with others and to be happy. I also text my boyfriend before and immediately after every meet-up or cuddle from this site; both for his comfort, and for my safety. He always knows exactly who I am with and when I will check in with him, next.

There's so much more I could say, but there's a start! 🤗

~ Sunset Snuggles