Do you seek a connection with the person you plan to cuddle with?

j_land

Or are you "okay" with just a physical body? I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Cuddling is a very intimate activity. How could someone want to cuddle, without any sort of connection at all...? And when you ask about it, they push back, and close the discussion? What do you think?

Minestrone101

I've had very deep conversations w cuddlers. I keep it friendly, but when the cuddle ends I set my boundaries and so do they. If your cuddle buddy doesn't want to open up (granted you asked an innocent question and didn't ask anything overly personal), then Id suggest finding someone new. Cuddling is an experience imo and not transactional.

j_land

That's a fair point.

Minestrone101

Yeah, if they claim up, just move on. Tell them...

TheFunCartel

I am extremely chatty but I am also extremely compartmentalized so it very much depends on the person, the situation, my mood, my level of soberness at the time, and a host of other factors. I am truly a box of chocolates filled with sugar alcohol sweetener—I can be sweet and give you lingering gas.

ohnonotagain

Sometimes I am just looking to create new memories instead of just playing the same video games in this room.

thatsteveguy

No connection at all would be downright weird af. I’ve had exactly one encounter like that and told her to just leave after half an hour

DaringSprinter

I think @CuddleDuncan once said that cuddling comes in two parts—the physical and the emotional—and that he personally feels the emotional part is the most important.

Virtual cuddling gives you the connection without the sensation. And some IRL cuddle buddies give you the physical cuddle without any emotional connection.

What you're okay with depends on how important each part of the cuddle is to you.

Duncan prioritizes the emotional part of a cuddle so much that he considers a cuddle without it no cuddle at all (while a virtual cuddle is definitely a cuddle for him). I'm precisely the reverse: if the physical contact isn't there I don't consider it a cuddle (and if it is there, it's a cuddle even if my buddy and I have nothing in common but species).

I think most people need both. But the extent to which one or the other matters varies from person to person. Sounds like you ran across someone who just wants the physical contact, @j_land! It's a shame you're incompatible, but there's nothing wrong with either of you.

Vive la differénce.

quixotic_life

I'm blown away by those who can just jump in, because I for sure have to have a connection and be feeling cuddle vibes first.

PeopleLikeUs

Cuddling enables me to connect not only with myself and the person I'm with but with everyone and everything. Meditation works for this as well. Both act as a vehicle toward the connection between conscious energy in myself, in this place, in other people, but especially with the cuddle buddy. I find cuddling to be one of the more tangible ways of reaching a state of connection.

FozzieBear

I first want to determine if there’s any comparability between me and a cuddler, because of the intimacy of the activity. I get more out of it psychologically and emotionally if I feel there’s some level of connection.

craM

For me it's more than just a body. I belive there is an exchange of energy. When two people meet- esp for the first time you can really have a sense of someones vibe. It could be warm and inviting. Or Maybe strong and supportive. Sad and lonely maybe . Even without words cuddling has always been a healing joyful wonderful experience for many

xelda

Ideally, I'm looking for some kind of connection. There's a level of physical, emotional and spiritual vulnerability that comes with cuddling; it's why I talk about similar values on my profile. For me, that's a good baseline to determine if that kind of comfort is even possible.

For example, I'm not close with anyone in my life who has right-leaning social values that support homophobia, misogyny, forced pregnancy, etc., because it feels like a direct threat to my personhood. How could I possibly put my body and spirit in close connection with someone who would want to hurt or control those parts of me or people I love?

Nervous systems resonate with those around us. If I'm feeling some kind of threat that will make for a pretty unpleasant cuddle experience. On the other hand, if we are in sync around these things that are fundamentally important to me, my nervous system settles, I relax and open up, and lean into the shared energy.

DaringSprinter

@xelda: Hear, hear. Even I don't want to cuddle someone who poses a danger to me and mine.

Zero emotional connection is fine with me—that's neutral—but though I don't need a friend to cuddle with I sure as heck don't want an enemy!

I doubt any of us do.

xelda

@DaringSprinter Right! There's a difference between friend and friendly.

Maybe the question is how we define connection, how much of it do we desire in order to have a mutually satisfying cuddle, and how that gets figured out? In a platform like this, I look for some back and forth conversation via message, then an initial meet to sense the energy, then go from there.

I can and have cuddled people on the first meet and then never seen them again, and I'm totally fine with that. I also refuse to consider even meeting anyone who doesn't engage in some chat first in a way that lets me know a bit about who they are and get a sense of our compatibility. ie: a warm body is not enough for me; I want to know that warm body is one that I can let my guard down with.

Then there's repeat cuddles with the same person! For me, that will usually mean more safety, more things in common, more general likability, more nervous system harmony. That's how I envision connection.

SuperManCuddles

@j_land Personally I would like to have some type of connection with cuddle buddies. Connection meaning shared positive energy, similar interests/experiences, activities/hobbies, mutual respect, goals in life and etc. If someone consistently negative, not mature, unable to communicate at least about the basic cuddle experience or their interests (not my idea 💡 of a cuddle buddy or friend).

Jova114

At this point im just seeking connections

Minestrone101

Actually, if a connection is not needed, couldn't we just invest in a AI type device w a silicone exterior? Or a metallic endoskeleton covered with human flesh. It will never have a bad day, it will never yell, it will never not be in the mood to cuddle....

DaringSprinter

@cylee1180: Too expensive!

(And though I don't need connection to enjoy a cuddle, even I agree an emotional connection elevates a simple cuddle to a truly wonderful cuddle. It's excellent if you can get it: much better than just "this cuddler will not harm me.")

Minestrone101

@DaringSprinter Depends! Under $2000 USD could be an investment after 1-2 years. Lol. All jesting aside, I think the human connection is what we seek.

Even the first HD TV and first show was communal and social: huge bonfire before bed (everyone sitting around and chatting) and acting on stage.

supadupa

@xelda brjngjng politics into a discussion when we have been told time and time again, no politics, religion, or spreading misinformation.
You could have left it at those opposing my ideology. But no you didn’t. I’m not gonna flag and report the post like so many people do when someone says the slightest thjng that irritates them but give it a rest.

Minestrone101

@supadupa Human rights is not political.

DaringSprinter

@xelda: Maybe the difference is in how we define connection, and how much we each need for a satisfying cuddle.

For me, emotional connection doesn't happen unless the person I'm talking to is very like me—sense of humor, view of humanity, level of formal logic used on the daily.... It's rare, and even then it can take years for me to begin to feel a connection.

By contrast, all it takes for revulsion to set in is a blatant disregard for human rights. If someone tells me they think certain people shouldn't have control over their own bodies / lives / consensual relationships / whatever, I'll reject them as a danger to my health and safety immediately.

In between those two extremes basically anything goes: no connection, but no problem.

Nobodieshero

I agree on the connection thing, I'd rather find another person with a mutual need than a pro because then the possibility of a connection is there And that just makes it better

Nobodieshero

I should add, years ago I found an actual cuddle buddy locally, not on this site, just by asking someone, we did it a few times, but I never felt that we clicked. And so it wasn't as enjoyable on my end other than physical. There's more to physical than cuddling, there's an energy exchange

Minestrone101

@Nobodieshero I agree there's an energy exchange. I also feel that some pros vibe better with you than others- there is a human element whether enthusiast or pro in my opinion.

respectful

@j_land "How could someone want to cuddle, without any sort of connection at all...?"

Something that really surprised me early on was how quickly a sense of connection can form during cuddling. There's something very fun about getting to know someone in the atmosphere of a lovely cuddle.

I haven't connected with everyone that I've cuddled (less than 50%), but I'm happy to give someone a chance and see if we click during the cuddle, rather than spending a long time messaging each other beforehand. But that works too!

ThomSSI

Yes - and it’s important that that connection is reciprocal at whatever level it exists. I had a cuddle partner whom I saw regularly over an extended period ask for such a connection in order that her past and ongoing challenges be taken into consideration as part of our shared experience. Unfortunately, it eventually became clear that I’d receive no such consideration myself —an imbalanced, if not entirely one-way, connection and ultimately quite hurtful.

jerryjett8

A little connection is necessary for a good session. Whether it be organic where you both already know it’s going to be easy going and acceptance of each other is already there. Or if it’s an evolving one where it’s comfortable as you get to know each other. Had a cuddle where there was nothing in common except we’re sharing space for a cuddle and I had to politely say this isn’t working.

teddybear888

@craM You took the words & sentiments right outta my soul. I agree with you 100%. I believe the therapies mentioned & the healing proposed is at least 50% via energy exchange. Whatever is achieved, and some of it can be amazing, by kinetic therapy only goes so far. It’s the energy / vibe / frequency exchange or blending that really does the trick. I believe that is what we remember. What keeps with us long after they are gone. Best wishes to ya.

Jova114

I need some sort of connection.