Long Distance Relationships, and a story

This has been on my mind for so long now and I figured I would share this as it seems like the right sort of place as it was the very thing that drove me here.

A little over a year ago a long relationship of mine ended, 6 years, we lived together, she was an alcoholic and things got bad.

Toward the end I was depressed, I worked and nothing else. I started to go on dating websites so that I could remind myself that this was not the end of the world, there's a lot of women out there, and better ones too.

I met a girl, she lived so far away, litterally the other side of the world. It was never my intention of anything happening, I just wanted company.

This girl and I we would talk every single day, she was in college, but was doing it at home because of covid stuff at the time.

We started calling each other, this girl's voice made me melt. It didn't hurt that this is litterally one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, she was a mix of Russian and Turkish, something went very right with the mix, picture the face of a doll and the body of a woman. She was very attracted to me as well, apparently I look alot different than men there.

We would video chat and talk almost every night till she fell asleep. This girl was almost psychic, I'd wake up at odd hours and she'd have said good morning seconds before. It was odd. Eventually feelings developed, and the word love started being used. I started to not care at all about what this girl looked like and I just wanted to meet this other person who could effect me this way.

I've had quite a few gf's but I'm not exaggerating when I say something was different about this girl, the way she put her words together, there was something pure.

Eventually she had to go back to college because the concern for covid ceased to matter as much.

She became busy with school life, we weren't able to talk as much. It caused arguments.

She'd tell me she missed me but never could seem to make time for communication.

She would call maybe once a month, twice she was crying. She would tell me she was depressed and don't want to live and bad things like that.

A bit about this girl, she's very similar to me and I've met few people like me. She's an introvert and gets easily exhausted mentally and she can feel things. Her mother was mean to her at home, at one point tried to strangle her when she was younger. Her family life was sad, no real affection or love given. Oh and she really likes cats, like alot.

We talked less and less, it bothered me more and more. We had planned to meet but whenever it became time to buy a plane ticket she became unsure.

Her excuse was that her whole life would change if we did. Or that she wasn't ready, or that she didn't know what she wanted anymore.

Eventually she hesitated telling me her feelings and we talked less.

Periodically she would tell me she missed me and want to call me (completely out of the blue) and was usually very emotional

My concern was always that she had met a guy. But she always denied that she wanted anyone there. I'm not exaggerating this girl's beauty so I found it hard to believe.

She still talks to me and talks about meeting me, but the plans have never become concrete. I don't think I've ever missed someone the way I miss her, even people I've been with in reality.

This may all sound stupid or far fetched to some and it all feels like a dream to me. The span of this story is a year. And ongoing. Don't fall in love with someone you may never be able to meet.

I wondered if anyone could relate to this story. And if you must know, the girls Name who I still carry feelings for is Sinem, it's a Turkish name. Because of her I now speak a small amount of Turkish.

There's so much more to this story but I thought some might find it interesting. It's hard for me to even talk about this stuff without becoming emotional.

Comments

  • edited December 2022

    Ah yeah I dated a girl with the same mix in nyc the face of a cherub! I think you should just go over to where she lives and plan on things to do even if she won’t meet. Basically the ball would be in her court. You would have a nice time chilling out. At this point you guys don’t talk much anymore so even if you didn’t meet you would have travelled to a cool place. And maybe meet some nice people and if you do meet her that’s bonus. I understand it would suck that you’re so close and don’t end up meeting. Unfortunately that’s life and you can’t control the outcome. But if you were suddenly there she just might decide to meet you.
    Best of luck! If that doesn’t work out hopefully you meet someone local.

  • [Deleted User]RadiantBecca (deleted user)

    I was so hoping your story was going to end happy. I think that is why I don't want a long distance relationship. I am talking to someone in Germany and he wants to meet me but I don't think it will go anywhere. I would say start doing things to make you happy. Start loving yourself so much that you won't need it from another person. I hope that make sense.

    I agree with @Ironman294 about going over there anyways and seeing what happens. At least then you will know if she really does love you.

    I wish you all the best and you deserve to be happy.

  • Interesting story. I think you should try to make friends with a Turkish person and ask them for advice about the situation, because I feel like there is a big cultural gap here. Turkey is 99% Muslim apparently, although it's obviously less orthodox than other countries in the area, but my impression of that is it's basically marriage or nothing when it comes to men and women.

    Speaking of marriage, in Turkey, apparently 57% of first marriages are arranged marriages. So it's possible she knows that's where she's going, but is exploring a safe connection, even falling in love, beforehand with you, while keeping it a secret from her family. Even for "love" marriages it's apparently common to get parental permission, which might be difficult.

    I also heard in Islamic-based cultures it's extremely uncommon for men and women to hang out before marriage. Now Turkey is not officially Islamic, but, I googled and found this on gender relations: "For example, friendships between men and women who are unrelated generally are not acceptable" (as of 1995).

    I don't know about your situation, but I think you're going up against a lot of cultural issues here that could be very difficult to overcome. That's true though mainly if she's in her home country. You might have better luck bringing her to America, if that's possible.

    Honestly, she might be best kept as a penpal and you two can just enjoy your connection at a distance, rather than trying to get physical.

  • Cde 123, So she's actually not Muslim or religious, part of the reason she doesn't like men there is almost everyone is Muslim. Her parents were divorced when she was young, and she hasn't seen her father in a long time. Her mother was the horrible one oddly.

    Unfortunately if I knew things would never become physical I don't know if I would want to continue talking. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say most people on this site are pretty affectionate people lol, I'm the same.

    You are right about other things, dating is less common there. She's actually a virgin (unheard of here) and only ever had a bf once and it didn't sound serious. Also she mentioned her family wouldn't like if she was with a foreigner.

    Another fact I didn't mention, she's a lot younger than me. In other cultures alot of women prefer older men. She's 20, I'm 35, so there's definetly a gap.

    I personally believe she may not even have herself completely figured out yet. Her world went from the size of a shoebox to a college campus overnight. She had never even drank before.

  • This may or may not be relevant.

    He who binds to himself a joy,
    Does the wingèd life destroy.
    But he who kisses the joy as it flies
    Lives in eternity's sun rise.

    William Blake

  • Ironman,

    That's interesting! Was she living here or just visiting? I find that language so relaxing to listen too.

    I kinda like your idea, maybe just visit when it's possible and give her the option to meet me. She assured me once that if I were to actually go she wouldn't chicken out.

    This is actually sorta my current plan. She actually expressed a lot of interest in coming here, seemed excited even. But the issue is apparently it's very hard to get a visa to come to the US from Turkey. Talking to other Turkish people might actually help with that part.

  • My advice is no, don't fly to a foreign country and try to get intimate with a college student in an age gap relationship who was abused as a child. Find someone appropriate in your country.

  • Cde123, Nothing of the sort would happen unless it was mutual. You make it sound bad, define appropriate? I'm actually half Finnish and my mother is 100% Finnish. It's very normal for us to have younger other half's.
    I do realize how far fetched the whole thing sounds. And it happened quite by random chance.

    Unfortunately I've never met any girl who hasn't had something bad happen to them either early on or later on. It's terrible the way women are treated even right here in the US. I believe everyone has some broken part in them and nothing of the sort would make them less worthy of being cared about.

  • @Nobodieshero theres a ton of fun things to do in Turkey! It started out secular but Erdogan has made it more fundamental. The founder of modern Turkey would be turning in his grave if he saw the state of things but that’s another discussion.
    Your question about the girl I dated, she was living here.
    There’s a huge nightlife in Turkey and lots of historical places to visit, mostly biblical.
    If you do visit use common sense when going around. Don’t drink much as there can be pickpockets or shady people in bars looking to scam people. But many of my friends have gone over and had a great time.
    Like I said even if she doesn’t meet plenty of cool places and things to do.
    Turkish people are generally quite friendly and chill.

  • I met my partner on a online chat room for people with depression in 2019. They are from Australia and came to see me right before the pandemic.
    Than we waited two and a half years before we saw eachother again because Australia had one of the most strictest boarder closures.
    Iv lucked out that they are able to come to me because iv got 2 kidos with special needs and am a single mom. We're in the process of getting a fiance visa!!
    Relationships like this are really tough and usually dont work out, but they happen and if youv got something special with someone sometimes it's worth the effort, because that dosnt come around a lot.
    I know the thought of traveling for me is terrifieing especially with my kidos, so I'm so greatful my partner is able to do it for me.

  • People frequently believe that long-distance relationships cannot succeed. Your loved ones might advise against it, and some of your closest friends might advise against taking it too seriously in case you end up heartbroken. Rabbit Horoscope 2023

  • Are you venting or looking for advice here?

  • edited December 2022

    ironman294

    That's interesting to hear, I heard that hardly anyone speaks English there though lol, seems like it would be hard to get around. Did you yourself go there?

    My ex was actually Nepalese, I've always liked foreign women, and I find the accents adorable 😍. I also really like experiencing other cultures. Alot of other countries still carry morals and values that I feel have been lost here.

    Cozywolfy
    That's nice to hear, of all relationship types I think that's the hardest kind because you can't physically see each other as easily unless one of you moves. I have a customer with a Filipino wife, apparently they sent letters for 3 whole years before meeting! Isn't that wild? (This was before the internet) They have 3 kids now and are very happy. He's always telling me to find a Filipino wife lol. He was interested in this story for that reason. This girl and I had talked about similar things before she became unsure.

    Club sandwiches,

    I guess I'm just venting, and I thought maybe someone could relate to the story. I don't expect any real solution, it is what it is. A bunch of people who like cuddling must feel lonely too, and I'm sure have talked to someone far away.

    Scure1994

    Too late for that lol, the heart thing already happened but I'm fine now, time slowly heals things. I agree with everything you say though, however I don't believe they are impossible. If both people really want it, anything is possible. Life is shorter than we think, I believe a true connection between 2 people can be more powerful than anything else.

  • People in their 20’s and below speak English enough, no worries. You don’t need to talk to everyone besides in the tourist spots people will speak English. If you go to Trip Advisor there are tours that are led by a few companies.
    I won’t go to Turkey cause Erdogan likes to hold Americans hostage but usually exclusive ones that hold duo citizenship. So you’ll probably be okay unless you’re a pastor. Holding orphanages.
    I’ve met plenty of Turkish people in NYC, very friendly and speak English. Nice people who just wanna live their life and don’t support their government.

  • @Nobodieshero - I'm going to lock this thread. While CC is a nexus and platform for people to meet for platonic cuddling, it's not the forum or the place for relationship advice, nor is CC a dating site.

    Best wishes on your cuddle journeys here.

This discussion has been locked.