I'm only sharing this because maybe it might reach someone in the community that is in the shadows with addiction and maybe my fight might have a purpose hopefully reach out. This is from my personal facebook. My 2022 review.
I always try and do a review of my year. There's no more notes in Facebook, so this one is going to be a very long status update. I'll probably include a few pictures of cats, because it is, "Caturday," afterall and I love cats. So, Happy Caturday! ❤
This year has been a challenge for me. Mortality, disease, acceptance, vulnerbality, a dash a grief, self-awareness, trusting the suck, loneliness. These are the things I've been thinking about, so let's start with mortality. Straight up, you're going to die. You can't juke it, you can't avoid it, you can't call a defensive play to counter it, there's no coach; we're going to die. For me, I almost died this Summer from alcohol withdrawals. I was in a coma for seven-days, another seven in ICU after waking, then checked back in to a treatment center that didn't want me because my cognitive abilty was still on Mars. My Sisters put their foot down and I was allowed back in. I spent five days in detox without sleep before this happened. In Layman's, I had, "wet brain," induced by insomnia (official diagnosis) you couldn't give me a fucking Xanax?)). A thiamine deficiency in the brain (B1) that interrupts management caused from malnutrition because the liver prioritizes metabolizing alcohol before anything else because it's a toxin. I was in danger of, "cardiac collapse," brain damage, death. I don't talk about it much, but I see the difference in memory. In conversation, I'll just forget. This used to happen coming off MDMA and smoking weed twenty-years ago, but now it's a thing. If you know, it was funny at the time, but now it's real and the transition is far beyond sitting on a couch on a Sunday morning and asking, "What were we just talking about?" Fragility comes to mind, yeah? Did I mention my kidneys started failing at the end of my hospital visit and all they could say to me is, "there's a problem with your kidneys." Oh, I was septic, too. I won't bore you with the hallucinattions here. By the way, I've relapsed twice since.
I'm thinking about dignity in death. There's no dignity if an alcoholic drinks themselves to death and having to accept the reality of I might be that person is an earthquake. Here's acceptance. I might be that person one day. The stigma on addicts is placed on people that will never understand what addiction really is. "Armchair Quarterbacks," on Monday mornings. Within the addict community, they are referred to as, "Normies." Disconnecting from, "Normies," is how we create a connection knowing that most of us are going to die from our addiction because it's so misunderstood. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is understood, but there's this protection in comfort within addiction and the acceptance of death. Sounds like I'm justifying, I get it, but think about being in a coma for seven-days, another seven in ICU whilst hallucinating the cartel is trying to kidnap you. This is bottom, right? You'd think so, but justifying is so powerful. Triggering the reward system is so powerful, the comprehension of valuing life is completely disregarded and you just have to feel good right now and nothing else matters.There's the stigma, but also, there's acceptance. This is how I might die. A death of complete disregard to all the consequences- hurting others, disappointment, lack of legacy. It's been an interesting fight albeit exhausting sometimes. "Stop beating yourself up, Mark." It's a fight for life, I have to. I have this hope I will have a legacy and just not that, "fun Uncle." I still see the room to work and am in it with a comfortable couch, but what I've come to realize, AA and treatment centers aren't the route for me. I have such a hard time putting confidence in programs that have such a low success rate. Faith is something I've also been thinking about, but that's for another day.
I find the debate interesting. Is addiction a disease or a behavioral problem (self-awareness)? Now it's diagnosed, "Chemical Abuse Disorder." I have that diagnosis, so there really shouldn't be a debate about it, right? I won't get into much, but if you're ever in a conversation and someone that is pushing back on objective subjects backed by science and they start with, "I believe," don't waste your time because you're probably talking to someone that thinks cancer can be cured by needles in the back, some, "scentcy," shit, chakras and hiring a professional cuddler for the Oxytocin (I actually hired one) lonliness)). Addiction is fucking real. I have no problem saying this, because the honesty about it (vulnerability) is part of MY work to stay in the fight and maybe create some awareness about it and maybe one day, provide a service once I can say, "I'm a recovered addict," and maybe one day help someone to say that they are a, "recovered addict."
That's 2022 for me. Here's some pictures of cats for tax.
