Unconditional Positive Regard

frankparker9

I really like this short video explaining the concept of Unconditional Positive Regard, as part of an approach to counseling (but could be applied to other professions, relationships, and parenting):

From the video:

Unconditional Positive Regard

• Acceptance
• Non-possessive warmth
• Respect
• Prizing
• Affirming
• Non-judgment

"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be."

Everyone has their own reasons for everything they do.

A counsellor's own values and judgments can sneak in if they aren't careful, leading to assumptions (and "false empathy").

It is not enough to feel positive regard, it must be communicated through warmth in touch, facial expression, and words.

SuperManCuddles

@frankparker9 YES!!! Awesome forum topic! I use this at work as a counselor/therapist, professional and personal life too! The beautiful concept of unconditional positive regard!

frankparker9

@SuperManCuddles Thanks! It describes the kind of energy I like to give and receive, and that I also try to apply to myself. I think it's really good to get specific (in our own minds, especially) about our emotional needs, just as with platonic cuddling we get specific about a need. Sometimes when I find myself wanting a cuddle, it's another person's warmth, or some kind of interaction that makes me feel accepted or valued, that I am wanting even more.

Also, I'm reflecting on the fact that being empathetic, intuitive, kind, and good-intentioned—which sounds like a great kind of person to talk to about one's feelings, for example—doesn't itself mean having unconditional positive regard. You can be very empathetic but also have a lot of judgments, or be playing a cold/detached role because you associate that with professionalism, and not have anything very affirming to say or much warmth to offer. As the video says, it's all about how much inner work you've done to be aware of your own non-acceptance. And about whether you have a desire or intention to help disconfirm others' experiences of being devalued.

Cuddle_RN

This is good stuff, and of course this is how we would all love to be treated. I have a question though...how does UPR work when counseling someone with a personality disorder? Full disclosure, this is very much related to an abuser in my own life. This person would discuss with his counselor a planned course of action that was destructive and hurtful to his family, and then come home and say "I talked to my counselor about this and got no argument." In other words, he took the counselor's UPR as approval of his plan to (among other things) take an overseas trip alone with an opposite sex foster child with whom he was inappropriately emotionally entangled.

Ultimately I'm guesing the counselor has to do the best they can with their client and hope that the other people around the client will make healthy choices for themselves/get their own counseling. I'd love to hear from you guys on this, just for my own curiosity!

cde123

UPR is like emotional crack for men. People get hooked on it, especially rich men, since many people treat them with UPR just for being rich. I think it can cause a real sense of entitlement and an inability to handle setbacks in life. It should only be given to people who have truly earned it.

frankparker9

@Cuddle_RN Well, "positive regard" does not require agreeing with or approving of someone's behavior. Respect and warmth help all the more when disagreeing with someone, or giving them advice. But there are many kinds of therapy and counseling (note: I am not a therapist or counselor), and not all therapists are in the business of trying to give their clients advice of this sort, and even if they did, it would be based on the information given, and there's no guarantee it would be to your liking. I know it's tempting to hope, when someone like that goes to therapy, that the therapist will validate your own point of view and talk some sense into them. People with personality disorders make very difficult clients, and are unlikely to change unless they feel they need to change.

In normal life, most people will regard someone less positively if they exhibit bad (harmful, abusive) behavior, of course. It is still possible to connect with such a person in a non-judgmental way. I would never tell anyone to make an effort to be warm or respectful towards their own abuser, or someone acting entitled to that, or anyone, really. (Making a constant effort to make someone else feel good is part of a "fawn" trauma response.) I just notice, and am grateful, when I have some positive regard to offer someone, or someone has some positive regard to offer me. An interesting thing about (basic) respect is that some people are much better at respecting people than others! I'm not entitled to anyone's respect (or warmth, or love, or time, or trust, etc.), but some people will offer it, others will say I haven't earned it, which is ok. I appreciate professionals who are good at offering positive regard, because it is so healing.

I observed a clash between positive regard and ethics/abuse recently in the comments of a Facebook post. One of my Facebook friends from college posted that she was shocked to learn that Sam Bankman-Fried, the crypto schemer (scammer?) who has been in the news, who I understand is responsible for losing billions of dollars of people's money, lived at the same house (a small independent living group, basically a co-ed frat) that she and I lived at when we were in college. He was well-liked and elected to the highest position. This made her want to throw up. People chimed in with different viewpoints. One of the older alumni who remains involved with the operations of the house said that she "likes" him, and she hopes no journalist ever writes a piece about her, or something like that. I don't know Sam, but I certainly don't like him. I think we should take people's ethics into account when we decide whether we like them.

If I had to be Elon Musk's, or Donald Trump's, therapist, I would do my best. Even though I very much don't like them, I would focus on their humanity. I doubt they would respect me or listen to anything I say, though!