Hi everyone,
What would be a polite way to ask if someone is trans? Many trans guys and gals put it as their gender or in their profile but I would still like to ask respectfully.
Thank you in advance 🙏
Hello @aitsjay 🖐
Just for us confused folks here....If its on their profile, etc. that they are trans, why would you ask "Hey I would like to ask you if you are trans?" seems redundant to me unless I am missing something🤔
One idea: attend a training session from your local Pride organization. Check their website and it may have options.
Hi @OhioMike
Sorry I should clarify, some transgender folk that don't have it on their profile and only put female as that is what they identify as.
It will be insulting regardless of whether they are trans as you might suspect or not so dont do it . If you dont have a problem knowing a trans person it wont be an issue . If you do have a problem then don't get to know them .
@aitsjay ohhhh. gotcha. ok back to replies and advice. thank you.
@aitsjay, If someone doesn’t explicitly bring up gender identity in their profile or early in a conversation, there really is no polite way to ask.
I’m not sure whether you are generally paranoid about accidentally cuddling a trans person or if you are making assumptions about someone’s gender based on a profile picture, but the risk of misgendering, offending, or violating someone’s privacy by discussing their genitals is just too great. Don’t do it.
In a perfect world, I would say that in the realm of platonic service, the question is really irrelevant, but I recognize that not all would agree. If it eases your mind, most trans people are pretty mindful about their own safety and would prefer to disclose rather than risk a violent reaction from a client who feels they have been “deceived.”
I would say, AT MOST, you might be able to share your pronouns and ask about your cuddler’s pronouns, as in, “I use he/him pronouns,” what about you?
But, even then, it’s got the potential to get weird.
@AintMisbehavin I think that's probably the best way about doing it, asking their pronouns that is. It's a touchy subject and I just want to be informed, thank you for the advice!
Mick Dundee has the best method to check. Even if this was a poor attempt at a joke, poor taste doesn't even begin to cover how inappropriate this gif was. Not just inappropriate, but encourages an already problematic behavior. It won't be tolerated.
I don’t know if there is a polite way to ask. You can ask what their pronouns are, but if you cuddling with them is dependent on whether or not they are trans, maybe consider why it matters first. They already get way too many chasers and transphobes messaging them.
It’s a great question. I think it’s be valuable to know, may be not the most important thing, just for clarity. I also took your question (OP) to mean in general and not just on this site.
I do understand that it could be sensitive to ask, i just kind of like to know who I’m speaking to. I want to know as much as i can so I’m not assuming incorrectly.
I’d feel terrible if i was talking to a woman and incorrectly thinking of them as trans and they are not, or vice versa. Hopefully i never have to identify someone if i weren’t sure.
I don't think there's a polite way to ask about someone's medical history.
If you are confused on what pronouns to use with an individual this is what I say: "Hi, my name is Fi! My pronouns are she/her/hers. What's your name?"
I've offered information about my gender identity and I have left the floor open for them to offer information about their gender identity without asking the question directly.
You should never ask about someone's personal medical information. Why is it any of your business? What difference does it make to you?
As others have said, there's probably no way of asking the question and being assured of not getting into trouble. Some want to talk about it, and some don't. Asking for a person's pronoun preference is acceptable and might yield some information, but not necessarily the definitive info you are seeking. And even if a person were to say yes, they are trans, you still don't have the whole story. Are they transsexual or transgender? And if transgender, pre- or post-op?
Reported and reviewed. Comment removed. [Charlie_Bear]
that's a great way to scare away cuddlers.
I think @SnuggleBugFi has got this answered excellently.
~ Sunset Snuggles
@wrench that should never be asked of anyone
You don’t. They will let you know when/if they’re ready.
I really don't think there is a polite way to ask, but is knowing really important?
Initially, I struggled with the same question. I know that I don't want to cuddle with another man, so by extension, I thought that didn't want to cuddle with a trans woman either. However, for a long time I never came across a profile for a trans woman that I would want to cuddle with if she were not trans. The question was essentially moot.
Eventually, the inevitable occurred. I came across a profile fora trans woman, who seemed like she would be a delightful cuddle partner, if only she weren't trans. I quickly realized how stupid I was being. If she would be a good cuddle partner before I noticed that she was trans, then she would be a good cuddle partner. That she is a trans woman, simply isn't an issue.
I sent a message inviting her to chat, but so far, haven't heard back.
SMH. Asking this question is a form of questioning someone why they exist. It would be one thing if you were searching for a life partner but you are looking for a platonic cuddle partner. I think you have anxiety about the other and the question is to placate your fears.
I would do this. Just like any profile you can say what you are not looking for as well. Some people will respect that, others will think you transphobic, but it is your profile and your wants. But please, do not ask someone to explain themselves so you can cuddle. Not only is it uncalled for but I think many that are female will view it as a red flag. So write it in your profile and request a prospective cuddle partner to read your profile closely before agreeing to cuddle.
@AintMisbehavin Couldn't have said it better myself. I figured this thread might be a train wreck, so thank you for that reasonable and compassionate response.
If you can ask someone if they are vaccinated, you can ask someone if they are trans.
Just avoid everyone. That's what I do. In all seriousness, guys should have the right to make informed consent.
@Midnight01 exactly
Individual trans people will necessarily have their own individual take on this. Some may be offended by the question and others will encourage a dialogue. No different than seeking to confirm the gender of any other human - you’ll get a different response depending on which same-gendered human you ask.
@Midnight01 and @wrench - i can't tell if you two are being facetious or serious. Comparing becoming trans to receiving a Covid vaccine Is such an extreme apples to oranges comparison, that if this isn't trolling, then I don't know what is.
@Midnight01 wrong. If some is trans or not has zero impact on your health.
Vaccinated, if one is immunodepressd is a legitimate health concern.
You are having NOTHING to do with another cuddlers genitals during platonic cuddling.
I will break it down even further, what someone has in thier underpants is none of your damn business.
In the process of scheduling a session and they haven't disclosed? Ask.
Minding their own business and disregarding whats on their profile because you have a hunch? You're an asshole.
Try what @BapaBop suggested in his effort to make trans people the butt of a joke yet again? I box with a trainer everyday, see where it leads.
All these old white men assuming trans people want to be any where near them? Assholes. Very very confused assholes.
Conflating our daily lives as some sort of political play or issue @midnight01? Yep, you guessed it, you're an asshole.
I know at least one body part you were born with @wrench. An asshole.
Make a whole thread about a problem you are likely never to encounter, about people who are completely separate and individual from each other with their own feelings on the matter? I'd say that's asshole-lite, but then jumps to asshole since it's yet another bait thread.
Congratulations folks, while I may be an unpleasant person and hard to interact with, a good portion of you have just downgraded yourselves to 'scum'. What a pain in the ass, I cannot for the life of me understand why people find us such interesting topic points.
To any other trans folk reading, My bad, I'm not your spokesperson just like you aren't mine. Cause you know, we aren't a hive mind but people living their lives.
Poop, eat, work, sleep, pay taxes all the same way as you other people.
No don't message me with your support pm's, I don't care or need it. As for the ones who won't change your minds no matter what I say because you're whole lives revolve around being an asshole until your last breath where you will weakly shake your wrinkled fist whispering "dem trans folk!", w/e don't care you'll end up dying just the same as I will and none of it will matter in the end.
-Perspective of a trans asshole.
EDIT
Mods ill take that timeout now. Though you should have shut this thread down the second that gif was posted.
Reported. Reviewed. And leaving it intact.[-Sid]
.@midnight01:
No. I mean, how can you possibly get so much wrong in so few words?
There is literally no POSSIBLE correlation between these two things. Asking someone about their vaccine status is to protect oneself and them from covid. Asking someone if they are trans is about internalized fear and bigotry that has NO protective value.
Expect consequences when I get back. In the meantime, this discussion is closed.