I have no idea where this post is going to go, which rabbit holes we may visit along the way.
Recently a friend of mine stopped in as she was passing through, had been awhile. We met in Afghanistan in 2012, I was a civilian and she was a LTC - I reported to her with regards to my contract, she owned it and me for the most part. I had been in Iraq for 7 consecutive years prior to jumping into Afghanistan, and quickly fell into the work. Over time the relationship of Civilian and Green Suiter grew, and she became a mentor to me on more than I ever realized. Later our relationship became this friendship I can't begin to effectively communicate with words, it was so much more, and different, it was like family and not. Our relationship developed in a war zone over a 3-year period. In those three years, multiple lifetimes could have coexisted - the intensity of an active theatre, chaos and insanity. The bonds that form or forge there, they're unbreakable.
Eventually there was a drawn down, a RIP and transition. The day before the wake up finally passed, we turned the lights out for the last time on our way out and handed the keys to the incoming host country Ministry - and we flew home for repatriation. I could have said all of that in many fewer words and sentences, the details though, they are so important.
Anyway, was great to see her and as she was leaving, we hugged goodbye - and at that moment, everything for me, became silent and I apparently couldn't let go of hugging her. I didn't know or realize it either. And bless her, for a full 5 minutes, she didn't interrupt or break away, I had no idea I was trying to tell her something I didn't even consciously realize for myself at the time. I snapped out of it, and she sat me down and asked me what was going on with me. And when she got tired of my bullshit, she laid it out for me in a way and with words that felt like knives tearing through my body. Directly in my face so I had to listen and look her in the eye - Had it been anyone else other than her in that moment, telling me what I didn't want to hear or believe, I wouldn't have listened to another word. I'm a guy, I'm invincible, right?
I don't share these pages of my life, really ever, they're memories I don't dare mess with very often. I only shared this because what you're doing is really important in different ways to different people - and there are people out there who don't even know it is there for them. It is important to me, and I am grateful.
What I had been doing, was slowly disconnecting every day for over 10 years, from my environment, from myself, from the things I didn't have time to process at that moment because I had a job to do, everything, everything, everything. To hear someone, you admire and respect drill into you that you failed yourself by not doing the work you were supposed to as soon as you got home - to reconnect, with myself, my family, my friends, loved ones, my community, my world and my life again - and instead continued disconnecting and hiding behind work, massive amounts of work that could never get done.
It is so much easier to exist when you are disconnected, have positive control your emotions, compartmentalize everything because then, then you're numb and nothing and no one can hurt you. In that hug, my very basic human core requirement for connection and human touch, kept me from letting her go. It was a lot like my soul was starving to death.
She told me about this 'cuddle' thing and I thought she was kidding me to be honest. Turns out, it's a thing yeah and it works in so many different ways. So, I took her advice, signed up here and I'm waiting on a booking to be approved.
I would love to get to a point one day where cuddling is something I can enjoy as a human being to recharge and give my soul a break - and just maybe, reciprocate for someone else. Right now, I have to work on forming those connections again and again, letting them just.... happen normally and not prevent them - to not have to focus on 'allowing' it to happen. You start disconnecting in that environment because the person you're talking to at any given time, has better odds of dying a horrible death in the next hour than you have of getting to know them better. Don't make friends, don't get attached, and you will never lose them - it is sad but effective.
I will never be the guy that left in 2004 again, he isn't coming back, some pieces stayed there and fell along the way for a reason. Having her spit hit me in the face as she expressed her disappointment in me. Forcing me to accept personal responsibility to at least have tried and failed than take the easy way out, I chose to remain as I was instead of being being true to myself. No matter how dark, you do what you have to do and you do the goddamn work you were suppose to. Only then did I start to see what replaced those pieces of I left behind, an improved version to get to know that was finely tuned by uncommon. inhumane and shocking moments of life, my life and history, events that built me up, not tore me down.
I don't know if this will help anyone else, but this is why I am here and from the bottom of my heart - thank you so much.