Books about how to be better men ("Way of the Superior Man")

FitSmartCuddlerFitSmartCuddler
in General

I recently picked up "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. I read it years ago and thought it was time for a revisit (plus, I got a great deal at a used bookstore :-) ). It's one of those books that probably every man should read. Here's a bit of the promo from Amazon: "perhaps now more than at any time, men of all ages still “tussle with the challenges of women, work, and sexual desire.” In this unabridged audiobook of the classic guide to masculine spirituality, David Deida encourages men and women to lean into the conversation and offer their most valuable assets to the world—their authentic heart and depth of presence.

"More relevant than ever, The Way of the Superior Man offers a view of a more conscious and embodied masculinity. “It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart”, writes Deida. “It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine.”

Men, what books have you read that made you a better man? Ladies, what books do you wish men would read?

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Comments

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited October 2023

    Books I wish men would read:

    (I'm linking to the Amazon versions just for practicality. Most of these can be found at your local library or used book store)

    • Polysecure, by Jessica Fern -

      while there are many books about attachment theory, and many books about polyamory/ethical non-monogamy, this book goes beyond both to be an LGBTQ+ friendly, non-mono-normative look at attachment theory and how you can apply it to relationships of ALL kinds. I basically recommend it to everyone, because the information and introspection it provides can be used by everyone. There's an accompanying workbook, though I haven't tried it so I can't speak to its usefulness. This book, however, consistently tops relationship and therapist booklists for a reason.

    • Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg -

      the unfortunate reality of our Western European culture is that many men are raised to suppress their emotions and project hyper-masculinity in the form of aggression. Empathy and compassion are often seen as weaknesses and this in turn translates to breakdowns in communication, particularly in conversations that are already tense and would do best handled with more finess and descalation. Non-violent communication isn't feminine, and many women (myself included) could do well to practice it more often as well. It's not all soft rainbows and butterflies, weak, or ineffectual, either. Definitely worth a read.

    • Feminism is for Everybody, by Bell Hooks -

      this neoclassic feminist introduction to 4th wave feminism is a must-read at this point to understand intersectionality. If you think you are not a feminist, try reading this book and then let's have a discussion!

    • Men Explain Things To Me, by Rebecca Solnit -

      The origin of mansplaining. A must-read if you think "not all men" - the answer is of course not all men, but truly most all women have experienced it so it's significant enough to take note.

    • Our Bodies, Ourselves -

      This classic medical text breaks down women's physiology in understandable terms. While it's aimed at women understanding their own bodies better, there is absolutely no reason men who have sex with women, or have significant live-in relationships with women, shouldn't also understand how their bodies work. They aren't that mysterious any more so than men's bodies are, and learning how your sister's/mother's/friend's/girlfriend's/wife's body works can go a long way towards understanding and empathizing what she is going through at various points in her life. Stop being grossed out or mystified and educate yourself.

    Bonus round:

    • Speaking from the Heart: 18 Love Languages for Modern Love, by Anne Hodder-Shipp -

      I am not a fan of the "5 love languages" author or his methods (I won't link him or name him even), but unfortunately his system has become extremely pervasive online such that almost everybody has heard of it and knows "their love language". What they don't know is that that particular author is vastly underqualified, hugely problematic, and his system is pseudoscience at best. Moreover, his system does not account for a lot of people - people who don't fit his cisgendered, monogamously married, heterosexual, white American "traditional" fantasyland.

      So what about for those of us who feel like the 5 languages felt inadequate? Or who don't like the dude's politics and methods?

      Enter Anne Hodder-Shipp, who actually used science (and backed it up with cited sources, be still my nerdy heart) to create a far more inclusive system of 18 love languages. The Modern Love Languages system is aimed to be much broader and open to interpretation, and welcoming to people from different cultures, people of color, LGBTQIA+, ethically non-monogamous, neurodivergent, and relationship structures other than romantic marriage.

      Need one more reason to read this book? The original 5 love languages dude sexualized touch as love language - rather relevant to us in the platonic (aka NON-sexual) cuddle sphere. Anne Hodder-Shipp emphasizes platonic love as being equal to romantic love, and as touch being separate from sex.

    • The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin -

      while the book can go a long way to explaining the ins and outs of boundaries and consent, attending a consent workshop will give you far more bang for your buck and practical experience. The author has some freebies on her site, including explanatory videos and a very helpful diagram - the actual "wheel".

      If you're interested in some consent workshops, you can check local events calendars, or The School of Consent.

      If you need a more straightforward guidebook, Can We Talk About Consent is a good one, also recommended by Martin.

  • TxTomTxTom

    the unfortunate reality of our Western European culture is that many men are raised to suppress their emotions and project hyper-masculinity in the form of aggression.

    You read a lot, but you don't get out of the house much, do you?

    I hate to rain on your usual Dumping On Western Culture Parade, but there do exist other cultures around the world in 2023 that also project hyper-masculinity, and which are quite decidedly not Western European.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited October 2023

    @TxTom I get out as much as I'm able, less now than I used to unfortunately. I've been fortunate to travel more than most, though it's been awhile.

    And yes, I read a lot - it's one of my favorite activities.

    I also did not say that Western European cultures were the only ones that push hyper masculinity, now did I?

    Edit to add: by your "rain on your usual Dumping on Western Culture Parade" comment, Tom, I take it you assume I am only critical of the West? See, the thing about critical thinking is you need to be able to apply it impartially and fairly. All cultures have problems, all cultures have great positives that they add to the world. Nothing is black and white. Getting stuck in that fallacy is one of the swiftest ways to lose logical reason and miss all the possibilities.

  • TxTomTxTom

    Good. I'm glad we agree. Yes, all cultures have their postive and negative attributes. This is the first time I've seen you comment to that effect.

    Regarding the OP, a lot of the rot we see today in Western Culture is actually a result of hypomasculinity---too little spine.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited October 2023

    @TxTom I can't speak on the negatives of growing up/living in cultures I don't have experience in, now can I? I prefer to leave those critiques to the people with more direct experience and expertise than I. That you read "all" when I say "some" or am talking generally, I cannot help.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love - bell hooks
    For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity - Liz Plank

  • natickbennatickben

    Frankly, I think we need more books that teach men they masculinity is a construct and that it has nothing to do with heart or spine but rather the brain.

    The way to build better men is to, in part, have men read more books by women and non-binary/gender spectrum folks and by men who are not like them. Get more of us to realize the traits we have decided are masculine are not inherently ours, and which strip away the entitlement that allows us to continue to presume society should do what we want rather than what provides access and equity to everyone.

  • TygusTygus

    I have also read The Way of the Superior Man and I really enjoyed it. Another book in this same vein that was helpful for me in the past and that I would definitely recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy.

  • MonkeyNeedsAHugMonkeyNeedsAHug
    edited October 2023

    The colossal irony of deriding a woman with the phrase, “You don’t get out much,” in the context of a discussion of “The Superior Man”. Do you not know the book the OP is referencing? It’s central hypothesis is that we’d all be happier if we recognize that a woman’s place is in the home?

    🤮

  • TxTomTxTom

    we need more books that teach men they masculinity is a construct

    Masculinity is not some "construct" agreed upon by a committee. It's part of an evolutionary mechanism providing strength/protection. It compliments the equally not imaginary "construct" of femininity, providing nurturing/stability. Together they optimize the survival of species through the rearing of offspring.

    the traits we have decided are masculine... allows us to... do what we want rather than what provides access and equity to everyone.

    Your program of emasculation will provide who access to what?

  • TxTomTxTom
    edited October 2023

    @MonkeyNeedsAHug The phrase/question "you don't get out much" was in reference to travel and the subsequent familiarity resulting from that. It doesn't have anything to do with "a woman's place," as you say.

    No, I have not yet read the book suggested by the OP.

    EDIT: And she answered the question in the affirmative---that she has traveled. So that's been resolved.

  • Joe82_Joe82_

    Every man needs leather bound copies of these on his reading stand next to his bottle of Scotch and tobacco pipe.


  • ManOutdoorsManOutdoors

    The Boy Crisis - Why our boys are struggling and what we can do about it, by Warren Farrell.
    (misleading title because it's about men and masculinity, not just boys)

    I don't want to talk about it - Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression, by Terrence Real

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @FitSmartCuddler

    Those 12 rules are the chapter titles of the book linked below.

    12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos https://a.co/d/g6CvsHQ

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle
    edited October 2023

    🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 some of this… 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢🤢

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle

    A Room of One’s Own -Virginia Woolf
    Men Explain Things to Me - Rebecca Solnit

  • Jova114Jova114

    I'm not a big reader but I do believe some of these notions need to be taught to the future generations to break some of these cycles.
    We are in 2023 and some kids are still being raised like it's the 1950s.

  • [Deleted User]Hugginsworth (deleted user)

    I find it a strange question, since every book I read makes me a better person. That's kind of the point of reading.

    I do wish more people would read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. It's a very clear-headed analysis of the mentality behind entitlement and how all the tactics of an entitled person attempting to exercise control over a partner fit together, including violating boundaries and consent. It's an important subject for society to come to grips with.

  • jplemmonjplemmon

    Each book will bring you one step closer to 100% platonic interactions with the opposite sex :#

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs
    edited October 2023

    Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Frederick Nietzsche

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101

    More to add to my reading list! at least some of them. :)

  • natickbennatickben
    edited October 2023

    @TxTom

    Masculinity is not some "construct" agreed upon by a committee

    Not wanting to believe gender is a construct does not, in fact, negate the overwhelming body of scholarship which disproves your unnecessarily (but entirely predictably) hostile reactions.

    You should probably crawl back to your safe space until John Wayne (named Marion, btw) comes to rescue you. Really, hide and wait.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @natickben
    Safe spaces are part of your domain, not mine. I don't believe in hiding from inquiry and disagreement.

  • Jova114Jova114

  • jplemmonjplemmon

    Ok until the Pharoahs wife sees the tiniest of spiders.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @Jova114 I agree. I think that symbolizes the nurturing/stability of the feminine.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @TxTom
    My friend, I feel like you may of missed the point.
    The last line says "the woman's arm is around the man's in protection"
    That SHE is protecting HIM.

    I honestly, think we need to focus less on 'what makes a man' and focus on being better people.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @Jova114 No, I didn't misread it. I fully understand the point.

    And I agree with you on focusing on being better people. That's one reason I enjoy these forums. We all learn a lot here, to that end.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @TxTom
    Ok, well maybe I misread your reply. Either way we agree, the focus should be on being better people
    😊
    And yes the forums offer a lot of education on an array of different topics.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle

    Goodness I hate the twisted switch going on here. Being scuzzy seems to be a life choice desired by too many.

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