Red flag to avoid

Melancholy

If someone only sees you when they have no other plans and worse cancels on you when any new plan or another friend wants to do something with them you should try to find someone else.
Being the lowest priority on someone's list is not a good feeling at all.
Once you recognize that you are very low on their priority list you should move on.

This has been a public service announcement.

musicfortruth17

Yup I’ve dealt with a good few like that it’s why I keep to myself. I’m too wise n too tired for that anymore at this point.

musicfortruth17

The right people will happen at the right times n will know intuitively when they are.

Drewski1138

Yup. I have a general 3 strike guideline in life. If someone flakes on me 3x in a row, then I seriously evaluate if I will give them a 4th chance, because that's a pattern. If people want to be in your life, in whatever capacity that looks like, they will be. If they don't, it's best to just deal with reality and let them go.

starrynitecuds

"Don't make time for people who can't make time for you."
I have had to face this several times in the last year with different "friends." But it's given me a great opportunity to forge fantastic new friendships with new friends who see me worthy of being a priority and share new experiences.
"Notice the people who make an effort to be in your life."

SunsetSnuggles

@Melancholy 💯 Sad but true. Similar to what @starrynitecuds said...prioritize those who prioritize you. Whether it's friends, family, a relationship, co-workers...we're not gonna change people who don't respect us and our time. Invest energy in those who do.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

cuddlefaery

Alternative viewpoint:

Some people have a hard time managing their time, tasks, communication, etc. Executive dysfunction doesn't care how important someone is to you, how important a task is to your career, or how much you value respecting people's time. And a lot of things can cause executive dysfunction - ADHD, autism, depression, OCD, chronic illness, insomnia, etc.

If the person is someone important to you or whom you feel it'd be worth trying to understand, perhaps try asking them why keeping time commitments is so difficult for them. Explain to them how being a priority is important to you, and if they're willing discuss strategies you both can employ to make sure they're better able to meet your expectations.

If you are feeling devalued, absolutely advocate for yourself and your needs. But instead of automatically cutting people out of your life, perhaps consider that they may not be doing it intentionally and would be happy to meet you where you are if given the chance. Sometimes people are just incompatible, but sometimes we assume they are because we fail to communicate our needs and then expect them to read our minds.

PeopleLikeUs

I'm good at keeping appointments and promises. I have a few friends who, like @cuddlefaery mentioned, may or may not be equipped to reciprocate my sensitivity in this area. There's usually something that allows me to let them close like artistic talent, communication skills, intelligence, etc. So once I let them close, I make an allowance. I always have so much going on that it's easy for me to shift gears. But yeah @Melancholy, If I let too many of them in it would wear on me so one, maybe two, or three, max.

Morpheus

I very rarely cancel on people. I also have very few friends and make very few plans with anyone 🤣

SunsetSnuggles

@cuddlefaery I do get that time blindness is a thing, and I've certainly met those who are apologetic and genuine about it. However, I don't get the sense at all from what @Melancholy said, that that's what he's describing. It sounds like he's describing people who purposefully, obviously, and repeatedly choose to dangle you over a back burner, while they wait for "better" options, people, or parties, to come up. These types will respond with apathy and inauthentic emotions.

@Morpheus A weekend without plans is a beautiful weekend, indeed.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

cuddlefaery

@SunsetSnuggles it absolutely could be that people are intentionally doing that. My response wasn't directed specifically at OP, but in response to the topic in general and bouncing off of some of the comments that came before.

I know that I personally have been accused of doing just what you described when I've accidentally let the ball drop one too many times. I hate letting people down, even more so when it feels like it's because I failed at doing something that "should" be able to handle. The shame cycle that kicks in makes it even harder to reconnect with those people and causes irreparable damage to the relationship. Those rare times, though, when people recognize what is going on and voice their hurt in such a way that we can work constructively to avoid repeats? It means all the world to me because it means that I'm not just a failure, we're both struggling and can work together because the relationship is important to us both. They trust me to be capable in my strengths and to come up with solutions, not to mention trusting me enough to express their needs.

Caroline_Cibey

Cuddlefaery said it very well. There are many people who could be in my life but aren’t because they assumed I wasn’t interested, but really it was just executive dysfunction. It’s sad, but I tell myself they didn’t deserve me if they couldn’t support me.

BashfulLoner

@cuddlefaery i feel seen. Thank you. Also i have a desire to please my children and loved ones to a point i dont know what my schedule looks like on days I'm free. I mean sure i could advocate for myself and demand free time to go cuddle someone new on Thursday at 7:00 for a couple hours and let my niece know i won't be at her recital, but. Don't tend to do that and try to find a way to have it all. It rarely works. But people figure out if things will work and move on while i recognize why it won't work and watch them move on. It's a whole thing the way the world works.

Lovelight

When they tell you they can't take the bus because, whatever, mommy this or that, then start talking to you about them going out with friends...

Katota

If people want to be in your life, in whatever capacity that looks like, they will be. If they don't, it's best to just deal with reality and let them go.

@Drewski1138 😊👍

LadyVel

I try to never flake on people.

I definitely agree with @cuddlefaery

Some people have a hard time managing their time, tasks, communication, etc.

Unless I write down commitments, I forget them and sometimes schedule other things. 😓 But then I remember later and get upset with myself.

JohnR1972

@Melancholy

Some people repeatedly say the “right things”, things you want to hear and believe. Those words may even occasionally be accompanied by actions that appear to support and reinforce their words.

But other times, those words are accompanied by actions that clearly contradict what the person has previously said. This is the classic definition of sending “mixed messages” and it is a pattern.

Mixed messages are a Rorschach Test. You are free to interpret them as you wish and different people may look at the same set of words and actions and see different things. One may see a good, sincere person who is really busy or perhaps forgetful. Someone else may see an insincere person who is simply using others to get what they want.

In such cases I used to give the benefit of doubt by believing the best about others and rationalizing away their behavior that contradicted their words. I have since learned how naive my old approach really was. Now when “mixed messages” start to become a pattern I move on and don’t look back.

Melancholy

I told her that I can't be friends with her since she prioritizes everyone else she knows over me before seeing me and she simply said she understands.
I'm glad she didn't try to gaslight me or deny it.

achetocuddle

@JohnR1972 Strongly agree.

Mela_B

Figured this out just a year ago and started my entire life over with new friends. 💜