A request for Radical Acceptance resources

Awkward explanation:

There seem to be a number of very caring and empathetic people here who, either as caregivers, mental health consumers, or even wise old owls, might be uniquely equipped to provide some suggestions on how to better understand Radical Acceptance.

Radical Acceptance, for those who may not have heard this term, is a specific technique or skill often taught to people in counseling.

One definition -- radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control.

On paper, this seems very obvious and simple, yet I personally find it to be very slippery, like trying to catch a greased pig.

So for this reason, I am hoping someone here can shed some light on how to get to that " A- HA " moment.

Maybe a link to a book, video, or website they really helped them or someone they know.

Disclaimer: This is not a request for professional advice, as that would be out of the scope of this forum. This thread is the General, stickied mental health resources thread

Katelyn_B

@GreyingBear: "Maybe a link to a book, video, or website they really helped them or someone they know."

This sounds interesting to me as well and I'd like to read more about it myself. Maybe I could learn something that might help someone down the road....

pmvines

This is a useful tool in DBT therapy , which is commonly used to help treat people with PTSD, as well as axis II personally disorders. Acceptance of your situation and circumstances. Similar purpose in a sense to the Serenity Prayer . It's not the same as being ok with it, just that you are accepting of it . So in other words , being accepting of things that you dislike , give you displeasure, and that you might otherwise take offense to . Accepting it as an unchanging reality that you cannot change , so therefore must accept and cope with the situation as best you can understand these circumstances . A learned tool that could be useful to people here .on the forums 🤔
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5508787/

SunsetSnuggles

@GreyingBear I have not specifically learned about Radical Acceptance, though I have heard of the book. (When I searched Amazon, there was more than one title with different authors.)

With that being said, I may be falling out of the wrong tree 😛 but these things came to mind, based solely on what you wrote...

1 - I had a counselor tell me once to envision my thoughts as train cars passing by...to observe them, consider them, and watch them pass by, as opposed to believe that they are part of me, belong to me, or define me.

2 - I also read a book as a teenager that mentioned it is useful to take a piece of paper and make two columns. In one, you write down everything that you dislike about yourself that you cannot change (they were referencing physical things, such as shoe size and height). In the other, you write down everything that you dislike about yourself that you can change (again, physical things, such as hairstyle, weight, clothing). The idea is, then, that you work on accepting the things you cannot change, and changing the things that you have control over. I could see how this could be applied to areas in one's life besides the physical.

Again, sorry if this isn't right, or not what you're looking for, but it's what came to mind, upon reading the original post.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

cuddlefaery

Radical acceptance, as I have learned it, isn't an end goal that one learns about and boom, "gets" it, but rather an on going practice. It's more like having a daily exercise or meditation practice that you commit to for your mental well-being than some grand concept to grasp from reading about in a book. Sure, the book knowledge can help - but it's the daily practice that is the actual meat and potatoes.

People take the "radical" part to differing levels as well. What some people view as our of their control, others may view as something to strive towards, and others still may see the ripples of their choices in a chain reaction that lead to eventual larger consequences.

And acceptance may not be uniform across all areas of one's life. For instance, I have come to fully accept that I am never going to be "healthy" or "well". It's not defeatist or giving up, it's simply acknowledging that I was born with mutated genes that resulted in a malfunctioning immune system. Letting go of the perfectionistic need to be healthy by "normal" standards, accepting my own reality, frees me up to focus on what my body actually needs to be "as well as possible". I have been working to do the same with my weight - supporting my health with dietary and exercise that is right for me even if it does not get me back to my unrealistic former goals of previous weights/body shapes. It's a bit harder with this one because my health impacts my choices so heavily, that cascade I mentioned previously, but I do my best to remember that I am doing the best I can with what I have available at any given moment.

cuddlefaery

For resources, I actually found scrolling through some #radicalacceptance and other hashtags on Instagram more helpful for me. The colorful graphics and ability to pick what topic I want some reinforcement on helps a lot. Even if you do not have an account, there are many mental health and coach accounts that post their content publicly, so you can just do a search on the site for things like "body neutrality", "laziness myth", "DBT", or whatever you're wanting to focus on.

Some examples:

CuddleHugs01234

Good recovery principle, especially for the people in your life. You can only change yourself, not others. You can look at what you are dealing with and make appropriate choices and have appropriate boundaries.

Great topic 💕

Carrie_Anne

@CuddleHugs01234
So well said and a concept so difficult for many people to utilize.

“You can only change yourself, not others. You can look at what you are dealing with and make appropriate choices and have appropriate boundaries.”

Probably should be repeated to oneself daily.

cuddlefaery

I remembered this explanation of it, which may or may not help. Some of the comments go further into what acceptance actually looks/feels like.

Also:

Vocalist100

I've never heard of this (radical acceptance) but it has a lot of similarities to Buddhism.

Solaris

The best resource I have found about acceptance is a spiritual book called "Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying" by Stephen and Ondrea Levine.

The book is about living and dying with an open heart that accepts everything that is with love. Even death. A pretty radical concept to me.

I have looked into radical acceptance specifically, but the resources I found did not give me the emotional and spiritual support I needed to actually practice it. Without these supports, radical acceptance was just a frustrating mental exercise for me.

However, this is not the book for everyone. And my experiences are my own.

TheMidnightOwl

Awesome question. This is my professional wheelhouse so I’ll provide the same info/resources I have given clients.

I once knew a psychologist who defined suffering as “Fighting against what is.”

The theory goes that radical acceptance is the antidote to suffering. Pain is inevitable, suffering is not. We add suffering to our pain by fighting against what is. By not accepting reality. Accepting reality doesn’t necessarily mean we like it. Here are some resources you may find helpful:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

https://www.tarabrach.com/radical-acceptance-revisited/?cn-reloaded=1

https://www.tarabrach.com/books/radical-acceptance/

InsightTimer app has tons of free guided meditations and talks on just about everything, but you can search for this topic and there’s a lot of resources for it.

cuddlefaery

@Vocalist100 it does have its roots in Eastern philosophies and Buddhism. It was incorporated into DBT in the 90s, and then it really hit the mainstream when Tara Brach wrote "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha" in 2003.

Will564

@cuddlefaery

I really love the diagram with the duck. I've never heard of the concept of radical acceptance before, but I really like it.

For me, it seems like a really good way to resolve some of the disagreements I've had in discussions with some of my friends.

I think some of my friends have a problem with the idea of gratitude because sometimes they see it as giving up or not working to make things better. And I think it's something that all of us kind of have to deal with...knowing when to focus on what's in our control to improve things, and when we have to accept what's beyond our control.

But I really love the idea of how accepting something doesn't mean you agree with it, approve it or endorsing it, nor does it mean you're giving up.

CuddleHugs01234

@carrieanne Thanks!

cuddlefaery

@Will564 are you familiar with Dylan Marron and his work? He made/makes a podcast called "Conversations with People Who Hate Me" that he ended up doing a Ted Talk about. One of his catch phrases has become a radical acceptance mantra of mine:

Empathy is not endorsement.

He's one of my go-to recommendations - for online bullying, non-violent communication, radical acceptance, communication bridge building, etc. After seeing his Ted Talk when it first came out and then following his podcast since, it sent me down the rabbit hole of improving community dynamics through communication bridges and radical acceptance. It was something I desperately needed to fall back on during the pandemic.

Will564

@cuddlefaery

Edit: I just watched the TED talk and I loved it!

What he’s talking about is something I’ve felt for a long time but have always had a hard time getting across to my friends as well as some people I know online.

One thing about me is I really enjoy understanding where people are coming from and understanding why the believe what they do. But sometimes when I try to explain those perspectives to others on the opposite side, they view me as “both sidesing” an issue or giving credibility to beliefs they deem as wrong.

People I know like that have very strong political beliefs. It feels like they’ve kind of “given up” on people who are strongly on the opposite spectrum. They have kind of resigned themselves to the idea that there’s not point in talking to them since they’ll never change their minds, so they believe their goal is to instead focus on convincing people in the middle to join their side so they can get enough votes to make political change. To them, it feels like everything is about the bigger political picture.

I understand that and I don’t think it comes from a place of ill intent. I think they just think that political change is what’s going to help the most people, or in some cases “the people who matter”. Or they might even think that their own political beliefs will help those that disagree with them and that those people just don’t know that or understand that.

But I think sometimes it gets to the point where the common humanity is forgotten. It feels like it gets to the point they don’t view the other people as human.

And where I struggle is trying to get across the idea that it is worth having these conversations, and seeing the humanity in others, and even seeing some common ground.

So I like this video a lot because it shows that you can do that without “joining the other side”. By me wanting to understand people who believe differently doesn’t mean I am agreeing or endorsing their beliefs.

And as he said, I get that not everyone is built to do that, and I can’t expect everyone to do that. I also like how he pointed out that this won’t work for everyone.

But I do think people often too quickly write off those who are different. We assume we know everything about a person because they’re similar in some ways to people we’ve known in the past.
And I get it, empathy can be exhausting and time consuming. It can be too hard to do this with everyone. It’s easier to just assume things and move on and never dive in deeper.

But that’s why I love this video. It shows that I can still want to have conversations with people who are different without validating their beliefs or giving those beliefs power.

And I like the idea too because in these conversations, sometimes I learn things. Sometimes the conversation makes someone think about things, not necessarily to change their beliefs, but to realize that sometimes they say or do things that don’t really align with their true beliefs. I know I’ve done those same things myself sometimes, especially when I react too quickly or emotionally.

So thanks for recommending the video, it’s another great tool for me to keep in mind. Hopefully I’ll check out the podcast soon.

great_pillow08

This thread is beginning to scare me because people are talking about ACTUAL mental health issues that need to be handled by TRAINED professionals. The expectation IS going to be created that cuddle buddies be able to provide more than just "comfort". I had a cuddle buddy who has bipolar depression and multiple personality disorder and although I "feel" for the guy- I'm not a therapist, nor am I someone to just dump your problems on. It's supposed to be comforting for BOTH people and it became scary and very uncomfortable VERY quickly!

cuddlefaery

@great_pillow08 there is a very, very big difference between people talking about their experience with mental health issues, mentioning conditions in passing, and what you're talking about. No one here has even remotely suggested that cuddling treats mental health conditions, and practicing radical acceptance is used as a tool for more than just mental health therapy. As multiple people mentioned, it's rooted in Eastern spiritual practices.

You are right that cuddle partners and professionals are not a replacement for medical mental health treatment, and you absolutely should maintain that boundary. But nothing discussed here is suggesting that people a) do this while cuddling, or b) use it to treat mental health.