You know why most men are such impressive cooks?
Because with just two eggs and a sausage, they can fill a belly for 9 months.
Lol @Ravenscar018
My niece calls me "ankle"
I call her "my knees"
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get mad, they're a mile away and barefoot.
(Jack Handey)
The Jack Handey segment of SNL was so great.
I tried playing hide-n-seek at the hospital, but they always found me in the ICU
So today on the street a man asked me for a dollar. I told him that I only carry big bills.. He said give me one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.
What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs. Your mom.
@kennedy13 That's definitely not a dad joke. It could have been if you'd only posted the first line (and might have been funny too)
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
I hired someone to do a list of tasks for me, but she only did numbers 1, 3, and 5. Turns out she only does odd jobs.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? “...Bison
When does a joke become a dad joke
When it becomes apparent!
Credit to Paul
Why did Waldo go to therapy?
Cause he needed to find himself
I cuddle with my husband at least three times a week. Yeah? Me just once. Oh, but I thought you were single. Ah, I see, I thought we were talking about your husband.
@kennedy13 Ouch, that's rough, Lol.
I was going tell a joke about boxing
I forgot the punchline
I told my Dr. today that I was afraid of shrinking.
He told me to calm down and be a little patient.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind . . . it’s tearable.
I just finished this book about Mount Everest.
It was a cliff-hanger.
Interesting fact: Dolphins are big on recycling- they believe everything can be reporpoised.
Love this thread!! These are so awkward and hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing 🤭
Why did the banana go to the hospital?
He was peeling really bad 😔
What do you call a cuddle with only one person?
cddle, because there’s no u 🥺👉🏻👈🏻
Why did NASCAR drivers have a hard time getting a tinder date?
Because they always swipe left
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. "You're supposed to do that after you're drunk" says the drunk Welsh lady sitting at the bar.
Why is it when the evening news comes on, they say good evening
And then spend 30 minutes telling me why it's not a good evening
Why is it called cured meat if it doesn't get up and walk away?
How did the barber win a race ? 🏇
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