Open Discourse & Sensitivity

paulwest

A few years ago, I was very active here and had some genuinely meaningful experiences. Unfortunately, one encounter left me deeply hurt and mistrustful. I met someone on here and we talked for a couple months. Well this is where it gets complicated, they labeled their profile as Woman and didn’t disclose they were trans until we met in person, despite my being upfront about being a straight cisgender male. I felt deceived, and when I tried to speak about it in the community, my account was unfairly suspended.

This experience caused emotional distress and made it hard for me to trust again. I believe everyone deserves honesty and openness—especially in sensitive spaces like this. Conversations around disclosure are difficult, but silencing them only deepens division.

Should disclosure be expected in such cases? I know people have different views, but I think it matters—and it’s okay to say that respectfully.

IronicMaiden

This is a platonic cuddling site. Why did her genitalia matter?

There's a documentary called Disclosure. It's available on Netflix. Watch it and let us know what you think.

CuddleDuncan

@IronLemon because cuddling is a very intimate activity and it is very, very difficult for some people. For some people, including me, gender is a decisive factor in cuddling. And as you know perfectly well, sometimes the genitalia in themselves matter a very great deal. Your question could be considered very intrustive.

Just because something is platonic does not mean that gender doesn't matter. There have been numerous long, thoughtful threads on this although I haven't seen one recently.

@paulwest I can't speak specifically to the question of gender identity, but I do know that people who have sensitive things to disclose are often reluctant to do so online. Sometimes this is because the risk of abuse is higher, sometimes because they want to meet in person before deciding whether to disclose the Thing or withdraw gracefully from the connection, and sometimes it's just because disclosure is a very personal and emotional experience and they prefer to do it in person. And of course I'm sure there are many other reasons as well.

I have had experiences when people have disclosed things to me on first meeting that I would have preferred they had mentioned earlier, although it hasn't happened for some time and I can't remember any of them in detail. However, it's their Thing and so they are primus inter pares when it comes to deciding the timing.

I do sympathise greatly with your experience of feeling that trust has been broken. However, I suspect that the feeling arises at least in part from an unconscious expectation on your part. Namely, that such information should be disclosed before meeting. This may or may not be a reasonable expectation, but it is not at all universal: there are many people who believe that such information should not be disclosed until the meeting in person. For this reason I always turn up at first meetings half-expecting some momentous revelation.

IronicMaiden

@CuddleDuncan I do appreciate your viewpoint, but I still want to hear his answer. With what he said, it sounded like his problem is that he doesn't consider her to be a woman, which is of course transphobic. But only he can say if this is the case or not.

You also seem to be conflating gender and genitalia. A transgender woman is a woman. A transgender woman who has had bottom surgery does not have a penis. And yet, I think we both know that a lot of men get angry at the thought of a transgender woman who has had bottom surgery, just because she's transgender.

I just hope his reaction to her being transgender didn't leave her afraid for her life. A lot of women get murdered just for being transgender.