Is it normal to have warm feelings but am I broken for falling in love?

I know my feelings will never lead to sex or a relationship but am I abnormal in that I experience strong feelings of love super quickly. I am autistic and adhd so I tend to say "I love you" impulsively. Does it make women uncomfortable to have clients express such strong feelings of affection?

If you are feeling that way about your pro, I'd recommend seeing someone else. It's not abnormal to react to cuddling like it is more than that, for various reasons, but as you say, it's not going to lead anywhere and could make the pro uncomfortable. You're better off seeing a variety of pros so you don't get too attached to one.

RadiantHugs

Your poll doesn’t have the right choice for me to select, so I won’t answer. I myself struggle with ADHD, I’m certainly not neurotypical, but I don’t think it has anything to do with this. I use the words “I love you” frequently, but it’s always with people I know well (family, close friends, romantic partners.) The context of the relationship decides how those words eventually land, but that is also why I would never say those words to a stranger or to someone I’m just getting acquainted with. In that case there just isn’t a context in which those words can be interpreted, and it’s very likely to lead to an undesirable outcome.

Whatever it is, you are not broken for using those words. My question would be - if you take a moment and check in with your inner self - who are you saying those words for? For you, or for them?

mauvefox

As a fellow neurosparkly person, I can say that what you're describing is not uncommon. I think for the general population and especially for folks on the spectrum/adhd/etc.

Look up limerence, there is a lot of overlap between this and Neurofabulous folks.

However, your poll is interesting because I couldn't select an option.

I agree we are all different and everyone is ok to be the wonderful version of themselves that they are. (I personally get a little more comfortable with myself day after day. From the outside that might look like I also get a little weirder 🤣 🤷‍♀️)

That said, and where it can be harder for folks who struggle with reading others, we are still responsible for our own actions, and saying "I love you" to someone can have weight and expectations for them. So we do need to try to be aware of the impact our actions have on others, just as we can request that others be aware of the impact that their actions have on us.

There have been other forums on this topic and the most common advice which I agree with is, have multiple people you cuddle with. It helps to keep yourself in check with what these relationships are.

I've met some amazing people on here, some of whom I consider friends for life now, but it can be easy to get caught up in a particular person and start to feel more about the relationship than what is there. having multiple people you connect with helps to balance this out.

So spread those snuggles around.

Happy cuddling!

I'm sorry about the poll. I can't edit it and only saw it was broken until after I posted.

TheFunCartel

Stevie Wonder called to say I love you. From the bottom of his heart.

Katota

@TheFunCartel "little stevie wonder fingertips" https://share.google/81H7ecbSKaLxaMOIr

SAY YEAH! 😎🎙️

AlyLauren

I think it depends heavily on all the people involved. I do professional cuddling and take care of kids with disabilities (lots of neurodivergent kids and I personally have ADHD).

With kids? Absolutely I tell them I love them all the time and they say the same. With my friends, I tell them every day. I spend time in mindful and spiritual communities where everyone says I love you all the time.

With clients? Really depends. Some clients I have had several times, that I trust, and I know their intentions and if I already knew they are someone who verbally expresses love platonically a lot? Wouldn't bother me. New client? Or one I don't know as well? That would be a red flag for non-platonic intentions for sure

ohhhh, that makes so much sense. Thankyou for helping me understand the nuance of language and meaning.

graceangel

i feel like both of these answers are correct. I actually don't think anyone needs to approve or agree with it either.
you do you fam. just be your happy self. if other people don't experience life the way you do; then they might not understand how that translates for you.
what matters is that you're having a safe and meaningful experiences.
Though having said all this... I think if it pops up on day one of meeting someone; that might not actually be love.
There's something called limerence that feels a lot like "falling in love", but it's not actually love. It's closer to infatuation which can also feel like being in love as well.
to truly care about someone requires having been around them enough to actually know them. feeling in love with someone you haven't gotten to know well is probably limerence .

Not cuddling related, but i did meet someone recently through the course of doing daily errands.. by the end of the day 1 tried to tell me he loved me. i think that's a red flag for sure. like what? XD you think spending a few hours is enough to know? .... felt suspicious to me.

as for the neurodiverse component... i haven't ever been diagnosed, but i think i must have some variation or be on a spectrum somewhere. i also connect deeply with people. It's kinda both a blessing and a curse. when you make those connections; they're amazing. that current of love within you feels nice.. but like .. if it ends up not growing in any manner.. then it's stifled and makes you feel a little stuck.

MeltWithMiles

What an interesting topic! A bunch of folks have weighed in with good stuff and I'll come in from a slightly different angle. Yes, I've got a bit of the neuro-somthing-something, but I also have CPTSD from parents who weren't really capable of teaching me what love was. Who knows, maybe they had a kiss of the 'tism as well.

Either way, as a result, I was so starved for love in my young adult life that anything remotely good was euphoric. I thought it was love! Unfortunately, that meant I fell for people who were really good at LARP-ing love, but weren't actually capable of loving me.

As an earlier poster put it, you've gotta be able to probe your deepest, most honest parts of your heart, reject any and all fears of losing something that feels amazing, and answer yourself honestly what it is that you are feeling. Maybe it's attention / affection, maybe it's happy oxytocin chemicals, maybe emotional safety. These things will appear in loving relationships, but on their own, they are not love.

(Also, I love the yoga pic, 🙏 peace, brother)

OMG! This last post hit true for me 100%. I completely relate and this explains so much of my life and relationships. Thankyou for the most insightful therapy session ever!

I'll also point out that my adhd/autism therapist said we feel things more quickly and deeply than other people so we need to not act on our feelings for the first x-number of weeks.

Thankyou for the explanation of limerence. Reading this definition, I definitely experienced limerence..
Limerence is like a spark — thrilling, obsessive, uncertain.
Love is like a steady flame — warm, mutual, enduring.
So yes, I definitely didn't fall in love with my cuddler by this definition; come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever felt love if it requires long term investment; all my relationships have been short term.
What I might share from my brains emotional experience is that when I feel limerence, I am driven, one might even say I am compulsively compelled, to say I love you. Feeling safe, loved and accepted is such a powerful deep overwhelming emotion that I can't help but scream it from the rooftops. I would even say that limerence is a more powerful emotion than love. The problem is, saying, I am in limerence with you, doesn't have the same power or impact.
This also explains why my relationships all seem to end after the honeymoon/limerence ends. The shiny object syndrome wears off and I get distracted by other things and my partner feels abandoned.

I can see now that the nuance of language is very important to this conversation.

CAFJTF2

All I got to say for now is that you are not alone on this !

cheeseboy

While you're not alone in your search for feelings, love, and connection (many people are looking for those same things), there are boundaries that need to be respected. Professional cuddlers are here solely in a professional capacity -- While many are genuinely caring people, putting the weight of "falling in love" on them can complicate things in their lives, or leave them feeling heavy with feelings they can't reciprocate after a session. It can make things awkward, since this isn't a dating site.

That's not to say that you can't find closeness and comfort on the site. Going about that with control of your feelings and intentions can have a session that fulfils many of the needs for platonic touch that can help you through the challenges of life, without crossing boundaries or becoming sexual. Consent and respect are very important.

MausHaus

Personally I wouldnt mind if the cuddler was as upfront about it as you. Just tell them, hey this is a quirk of mine. That will generally go over well. However I had a cuddler who was saying it so often and telling me to marry him and saying he wants to send me money every month just because... this creeped me out and felt like narcissistic love bombing. Constantly hitting me up thru text and telling me he loved me... thats different. Made me very uncomfortable. If you and I ever met based on your poll it get a giggle out of it and snuggle u harder because I kno your reason and intentions 😊 honesty is always the best policy on both the pro and cuddler

theHugAlchemist

I wouldn't care at all. If you were a completely new client I think I'd ask "what does that mean to you?".

For me "I love you" often means I care about your well-being.. it makes me happy when something nice has happened to you, I want good things for you. When I say it to my life partner it means all that and includes commitment and responsibility... It has another slightly different meaning when I say it to my romantic partner..

But I know other people have their own meanings and context so I'm mindful when and where I say it.

And on your part... If you're saying it to a pro, perhaps you can explain a bit how you're feeling, especially the part where you're not trying to push the connection into a sexual or dating space.

You are not broken! I'm happy that you're able to feel love! We are social beings!

I love this thread ❤️❤️ thank you for posting

natasya148

Express yourself the way you know how. Do not let society dictate what’s right and wrong. Love can mean and be expressed differently. Do be wary of the burden that the word carry though as some folks cannot accept it lightly. Some may react to it the way unfavorable to you. So exercise with caution… ⚠️

I feel so loved and accepted by everyone here. This is truly a gift to be affirmed and empowered and it helps me trust myself despite my quirks.

hangingon

100% get wanting to feel safe, loved and expecially accepted. We all feel like that and I know lots of other people do to, so we are right there with you. Maybe you just feel like you want to get the words out of your mouth? But don't. Keep it hidden away. You're talking about profesional cuddlers, most are very good people and very likeable, but still doing a job for pay like any other job, and you are not their only client. If you let those words slip out of your mouth all you will do is make them feel awkward and you will feel badly for not having the same feeling returned. It's totally fine to just keep it to yourself. I know I let myself fall into the trap years ago of thinking a cuddler was more than just a business friend and not just someone offering a service, and I felt very badly and silly, don't let that to happen to you and don't make it awkward for the cuddler. Save those words for someone who deserves them, and that person won't want you to pay for cuddles.

TheFunCartel

Can’t identify with that much. To use a comparison, I am attracted to my physician. She is close to my age, we have mutual interests, and talking about intimate—she gets the glorious privilege of doing my prostate exam. I may be attracted to her, and I may even imagine her as my gf, but at the end of the day, when the cold lube hits her latex glove, it’s all business.

But I do have a healthy prostate for my age.

So perish the thought of a pina colada with his and her straws, raising your arms at the bow of a luxury liner, and focus on the moment of pure cuddling contentment and suppressing the gas bubble plotting its escape.

theHugAlchemist

Also from my time as a caregiver there were so so so many elderly people who I said I loved you to. I became a part of many of their families too. We are made to care about each other.

Money and capitalism are weird and make things weird. I believe in love at the bottom of it all though.

OhioMike

@TheFunCartel you are cracking me up 😆

BR123

My philosophy is this: falling in love is like being on drugs, and the person you’re in love with is the drug dealer.

It’s a dangerous dynamic.

Now, I believe that loving someone (not falling in love) is a different story. Love is a choice, not an emotion, because we tend to dislike, and harbor some of the most negative emotions towards the people we love the most; ie: family members, spouses, significant others, etc. Yet, despite these (negative) feelings, we choose stay with, sacrifice, and sometimes surrender to these individuals.

Going through the full spectrum of emotions—from the positive end to the negative—begets understanding, and understanding is the beginning of love, as you can’t make a choice without first understanding the choice. Essentially, you can’t even begin to love someone until you’ve met their dark side, and chose to stay without judgment, or condemnation.

But, if you’re claiming love from a few caresses, soft smiles, and cuddles that only happen in a carefully curated controlled environment hidden behind a pay-wall… I don’t think that’s love… not even close… that’s the yearning of your phallic member.

Please refrain from double posting. I've provided a link to the thread you created with the exact copy/paste post you made here [netrunner]
https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/24160/healing-trauma-through-cuddlin

MeltWithMiles

1a) I've learned a lot about my own experiences through "Crappy Childhood Fairy" -- I can't recommend her channel enough.
1b) Understanding our trauma only gets us so far. We have to really work to act outside of the heavy grooves we etch into our lives with our maladaptive behavior patters.

2a) I don't necessarily think cuddling is a strictly healthy coping mechanism and can instead be a crutch or an avenue to resist meaningful change. On the other hand, sometimes the littlest drop of sunshine can help us to keep going when things are rough. I've heard countless stories about how sex, drugs and alcohol numbed the harsh reality long enough to keep someone going. "Denial is the shock absorber for the soul."

The question I would ask myself is what is my real motivation to cuddle. Am I looking to fill a void? Am I looking to soothe? Am I substituting for the lack of a romantic relationship? (or genuine intimacy within an existing relationship?) I'd be willing to be the vast majority of people coming here hit at least one of these buckets.

RouxMarz

I began reading an article on ethics regarding therapist and their clients. How feeling can emerge when during therapeutic sessions and even afterwards because as a therapist they care for the well-being of the client. The client may even experience those feelings because they are being heard, developing trust, and healing is happening.

As a fellow pro cuddle therapist I know where the boundaries are and how to keep an emotional distance without being cold. I think my client's begin feeling a sense of trust and when we're sharing space together, feelings can get involved. I'm all about nurturing that trust within my field. I do have to emphasize that those feelings won't progress to more romantic endeavors.

If you need say it, say it like this. I love your energy.

"I love your energy" is really helpful. I'll use that phrase.

I did talk to my therapist today and she said part of therapy is the relationship with the therapist and in a way she said its alot like a real relationship with conflict and all but she keeps it profressional and provides a safe space to learn relationship and conflict skills which can be transferred to the real world.

chicky

First I would like to say that Love is much more ambiguous than people often make it seem. To put it into perspective, try trading the word 'love' for things like
Admiration (I admire you)
Inspiring (you are inspiring to me)
Respect (I respect you for who you are)
Care (I care about you)

Now when it comes to speaking it to someone, anyone, I would say is important to have at least some light conversation on what 'love' means to each of you. If the understanding is there, it makes it so much easier. Then, if anything, simply ask if it is okay or would make them uncomfortable.

Personally... if I am not aware of how you define love, it is intimidating. Are you expecting more? How can I not hurt you if I can't reciprocate? Why do you think you love me? These are often questions that come to mind when that "i love you" comes unexpectedly, without knowing how they see and understand love.

I appreciate (love) you for making this post to open up discussion about this ❤️

There are multiple studies that proves that touch/cuddling relieves stress and anxiety by releasing oxytocin, the hormone that calms you down and gives you the feeling of love.

UREverything

Im a caring man with a loving heart
Life is blessed

Thewalkingman2

Thank you to theHugAlchemist for her comments on love and what it means. I have felt like saying "I love you" to many people including cuddlers but have been too embarrassed to say it out loud because of how it might be perceived, but to me it simply means I care about you, or I care a lot about you. I do care a lot about people and I really do feel a love for them, and I wish people would be more comfortable in saying those words out loud.