Cuddling men v cuddling women

Andrew

Hello fellow cuddle connoisseurs!

I visit a cuddle group in London and its totally fantastic. As we already know most women will happily cuddle men or women whereas men will mostly only cuddle women. In our group, men do hug men but there's no lingering moments, no intimacy.

My experience is that I feel a tremendous amount of comfort, pleasure and sometimes a beautiful connection cuddling up to the women particularly when they want a "spoon cuddle", but feel nothing either way when I hug one of the guys. So I find that I can hug a guy, yet am replused by the thought of even touching his face or hands, even though I consider myself very open and liberated.

So my question is do guys want to cuddle girls because that's what they are used to (girlfrields, and mothers) or is there something more primal (even vaguely sexual) going on, and we (ie hetrosexual men) are still a little repulsed by other men?

The oxytocin released when I cuddle a woman feels almost instant and noticable. It can be very intimate in the cuddle group but still innocent. Clearly women get the oxytocin 'hit' whether they cuddle up to a man or a woman.

Maybe gay guys can tell me if they enjoy cuddling women as much as men.

Maybe people can comment whether we all (male and female) like cuddling women as it reminds us when we were kids, the comfort of a cuddle from our mother was second to none.

Thanks for your time.

Andrew

Mark

Hi Andrew. I feel the same - I'd be surprised if a heterosexual man could get the oxytocin release from another man.

Not sure why... maybe there is something subtly sexual rooted from it but that seems to be the case with most things in life so it shouldn't take away the innocence of it all.

Andrew, I do have the experience. I can hug guys but don't get the oxytocin release I do when I hug women.

Mikazuki

Maybe it has to do with that women are naturally superior cuddlers due to their soft bodies and less combat designed shapes?

PneumaSophia

Not sure where I should place myself in the spectrum but I do tend to prefer cuddling with women.. they are just "nicer"... it's really hard to explain... althought I wont outright dismiss that there couldnt be a sexual component, atleast from what I am aware of when I cuddle with a woman it's 100% platonic (even tho i *AM* attracted to women)... when I cuddle with a man i kind of have in the back of my own head "is he thinking about more?"

it also depends on the man... I tend to like to cuddle with very andraganious and non-threatening males over the ultra masculine ones....

Underscore

Ace guy here. My reason in simple. When I was young, my two wonderful sisters and I would share a bed and snuggle all the time. All of my experiences with cuddling ladies partially remind me of how much I love my sisters.

With guys it just lacks the childhood association.

Unknown

As a woman, my perspective is that perhaps the higher comfort level for men to cuddle with women is because Western society is strongly heterosexist- that is, display of male-male bonding and less so female-female bonding is frowned upon, even when the bonding is not sexual at all. It is interesting for me to note that I contradict from the first post- I would definitely prefer cuddling with a man than a woman. I mean, I hug women and such but it doesn't have the oxytocin kick of when I cuddle with a man. I guess it could also be a part of size fitting, where one cuddler is smaller/larger than the other.

I agree with Sunshiner. Men don't really have any intimacy with other men in their relationships. They are told they shouldn't hug eachother or anything, and when they do it's "no homo, bro." In the case of heteros I know, at least. To where women are told to hug eachother and touch eachother. As in, hands on the shoulders, they play with eachothers hair, just random touching like that. Hetero guys tend to play punch eachother as the extent of their touching. So, while it could be a sexual cue in the mind, I think it is mainly just with the types of platonic relationships society holds us to.

As a girl who has had mostly guy friends, I actually find it weird to get close to another girl. I've never had those relationships, and been more touchy with the guys than the girls, in a non-sexual fashion. I'm just more comfortable around guys, and that translates to who I'd rather cuddle with.

When I get close to another guy in that situation the thoughts in my head are the 'what if someone sees us' and the grief and piss-taking I'd have to endure. So yeah, it's about society's (or at least the puritanical part of it) expectations. Nothing sexual about it.

MariaHererrax

Yea i love cuddling with women not that i have anything against men it just usually lasts longer with women.

baseball21010

I could never cuddle with another dude.

Unknown

I don't know if this comment thread is over or not, but I'll come in anyway... In my experience, hetero men only cuddle together if it's for a laugh, or if they're drunk. (and I don't know if it's relevant, but as a woman, personally I prefer hugging women to men marginally more-mostly as there's less societal sexual expectation, and girls tend to be more up for a hug).

Tristan1024

This question comes into my mind many times throughout the day, Does our sexual preference and gender identity influence our satisfaction from cuddles? I go to a highschool where many people are bisexual and comfortable in their own gender, it's not strange to see two or more males or females hugging or holding one another in a jokingly manner. But I wonder if this is just because it's considered "cool" or because they get some sort of pleasure from it. From what I've noticed so far the answer is because it is considered cool, but also because it does give some sort of platonic pleasure. I'll write more when I learn more. But for now that's what I got on the subject.

Unknown

I only want to cuddle men, but, im not hetro...i have not really had a real cuddle with a woman, even though i was married for 12 yrs. which was more like starvation...I loved her deeply though.

Women as a rule produce oxytocin more easily and frequently than men. Explains a lot of what i read here. 

I'm intrigued by the Oxytocin theories never knew that, I have to say I pref a cuddle from/with a woman surely it's because they produce our offspring and have a natural cuddling ability, I think a hug with a man may be ok but not a cuddle as such! As a naturist it's etiquette not to cuddle/hug too close for obv reasons but skin to skin can be sensual without being sexual!

PutresVigil

I am a homosexual male and can enjoy cuddling with both men and women easily, though tend to prefer men only slightly. In truth, I think the ancient comment from sunshine up there is correct - it is a society/culture thing more than anything built in by nature. I, for example, often find myself quite comfortable with the idea of coming up behind a male and spooning them or simply giving them a squeeze but most of the straight ones would find it very uncomfortable. Then again, I read a study that showed that females and homosexual males have similar brain structure. Fun to think about, I suppose. Still, I do think it is largely quite sad that full on straight guys are stripped of their humanity in such a way that a full half of the human population is off limits for any intimacy.

Naybear

Pansexual female. Hi!

I think it's probably a societal pressure thing, the 'no homo' type thing being popular right now.

It's also probably contributed to in that we're still in a state in our physical evolution where men are the protectors and women are to be protected. (Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is the case mentally/how women and men actually are. Just talking physical body chemistry and instinct here). When cuddling with a guy I feel protected and safe but with a girl it feels a lot more like I'm doing the protecting or that it's a mutual thing.

phildoughman

I would be happy to cuddle both, but.when i cuddle a lady i feel somehow momentarily removed from my cares and in a happy place. I love the scent of her hair and the warmth of her body. And pardon me for saying it, but the softness of her breasts pressing against me feels pretty good too. With guys it's more like a sharing of strength, like a rugby scrum.

alwaysremember

I think smaller frames are preferred to large frames, which tends toward a female preference (don't want to be too squished) besides the hormones thing.

moxie

I think it really depends on the person I am a straight guy and I have no problem saying that I do not cuddle with other guys. it is not due to a homophobia but because I get nothing from it. I have no problems with the idea of two guys cuddling or that they could feel the same connection and intimacy that I feel when cuddling with a woman. It is more in the way that our relationships have developed my friendships with men have leaned more towards camping and mechanical stuff as opposed to women being more on the emotional side (this is not to say that there is no crossover). to add on to this there are women who I would not cuddle with because I already know that I would feel nothing from it as that is the way our relationship has built its self. I feel that society has a smaller roll to play in our lives than we like to believe though it does have a large roll there is always a decisions to be made I came out very little like the society I grew up in taking what I like and leaving the rest to figure out on my own while other people seem to be wired to follow what society says both sides serving their purpose but both still having the choice to do as they please.   

Unknown

I am a straight woman. I have experienced a preference both ways for different reasons. I can enjoy cuddling a very close girlfriend, because it feels safe and non-threatening. I have had bad experiences with aggressive men. On the other hand, there are times when I really want male energy, and want to cuddle with a gentle man, but find it a bit hard to trust that they won't want sex.

 

Andrew

I can really see what you are saying, Joyfulgoddess. Its natural for us guys to want sex from an attractive female. But my experience is if a woman lays out the conditions then I know where I stand. Then both can relax in to the cuddling and both know there's no hidden agenda. I have heard from many women in the cuddle group I attend who say its wonderful and empowering to be quite 'sensual' with a guy whilst knowing it isn't leading to anything else.

I started this discussion over a year ago and am thrilled that its still getting attention. My view hasn't changed much, I can cuddle a guy but get very little from it. Cuddling a woman is really comforting and the role of 'protector' can awaken within me. I have a (female) friend turned cuddle buddy, it started where she invited me round for cuddles, tea and a chat on the understanding that it was non-sexual. So on occasions, I ask to pop over and I spoon her on the sofa whilst we chat about our lives. This does not awaken any sexual desires within me probably because she set out the rules in the beginning. Now she's dating someone and to my surprise wants to continue our cuddle buddy status. Her new boyfriend knows about me, she told him she wouldn't give me up................. he agreed but I don't know any more than that.

Dams1986

I'm a gay man and wouldn't get the same release from hugging a woman, so perhaps it's more an issue specific to men rather than some kind of latent homophobia?  Perhaps men just find the physical connection with the person they're hugging to be more important on some level?  Who knows... everyone's different though, I've had straight guys who were comfortable hugging me, albeit often intoxicated!  So my philosophy would be to hug whoever the hell you're comfortable with and not worry about it.  

Unknown

Most of my cuddling experience is with women because I grew up with my mom and two sisters and had some great college roommates that were into cuddling, so when I cuddle with women, it has a familial association with it, more of a mutual sharing of comfort.  But as a hetero woman, when I cuddle with a guy, I feel more like I'm receiving comfort from him.  I love cuddling with guys because I think the male energy is just more fulfilling to me--I love when you touch a guy and you can just feel that strength (even with guys who don't have so much of a physical presence).  So I like both and can draw comfort from either, but I crave that safe and protected feeling that I get with guys.

Unknown

I'm not entirely sure where I'd stand, since I haven't cuddled in a while, and the last cuddle I had was with my girlfriend some time ago. I feel like I'd be comfortable cuddling with a man, but I'm not certain on the mechanics of it. And as for that male energy, I find it that its surging, while women have more of a even flow of it, that's from some personal experience, I don't mean it to be sexist. I am sure I'd be attracted to a woman to cuddle with, my physiology as a straight man is obvious, but I know I'm in enough self control and acceptance to know its cuddling, the intimacy of talking and sharing is also something I'd seek, given the right conditions.

Unknown

Sunshiner i think you are not the only one.

I prefer cuddling men as a women i feel calmier and more relaxed. In those few times i have been cuddled by men.

With women who have hugged me its a quick hello hug, or the other extreame of absolutely in shock from something happening, grief or just upset. Thats the only time i reiceve hug/cuddles from women.

I must admit though that its so much nicer when i get hugged from a guy absolute inccent hugs. They seem to give more of what is needed then hugs from a women.

primito13

Well, what I seek from being held by a tall guy is the feeling of being protected. I seek that affection from a guy, to be treated like a kid cousin. I honestly wouldn't care at all, if I dated an impotent tall guy; because as long as all the hugging and cuddling makes us both happy. Yes, I am physically attracted to men (while i have such an aversion to a female's touch) barely my mother, my female cousins, aunts and other maternal type (Older women, specially those WHO KNOW FOR A FACT the hugging is not groping) and of course, I LOVE HUGGING LESBIANS! Because the fems, are like hugging a sweet sister, and the butch ones, because I'm actually somewhat attracted to how masculine and strong they can be.

Hamlet

Umm okay so I don't like hugging people and by that I mean I'm normally scared of people touching me till I feel like I can relate to them on a deep personal level. It is not until I feel like I have a deep friendship or bond of some kind before I will let some one hug me and in general it can be awkward the first time unless I'm in a really bad emotional place.

So I'm better able as a guy to hug another guy. (Somewhere deep down I think I might be searching for a brother; I never had one.)

Oddly, I am also terrified of very feminine women. This stems from two problems 1.) I can't relate at all to it. I personal would hate to go through the stuff that some women do in order to be good looking by some random social standard, and it scares me that people actually enjoy it. I can't relate so I have troubles hugging.  2.) I am constantly surrounded by feminists, and so I constantly analyze my actions around women to make sure I'm not acting misogynistic or overly officious. I just don't like the notion that I might be making a woman uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable.

Okay, yes as of current I do fall somewhere on the gay spectrum. However I just feel more...well...brotherly with another guy. Some guys probably don't want to hug another guy because of the whole homophobia dimension. I can understand that, but personally I find that hugging a woman is more socially awkward because I just don't want to make them feel uncomfortable like I do when a person hugs me who I can't relate too.

gaarakenpachi

I'm a hetero guy, I get the same excitement and happiness regardless of the gender of the person I'm touching, I'm not a very masculine guy though. I'd say it's definitely the constant social pressure to be masculine that prevents us from being truly intimate with one another.

jzone

Mmmmmm... each is different and both are good. For me it depends more on the person than their gender (bi guy here). I can cuddle with guy or girl friends without it getting sexual. Sharing a blanket watching a movie, a head on a shoulder, a gentle squeeze. 

I have always been comfortable hugging both guys and girls in public. So much better than a handshake or a slap on the back.