Social Anxiety

ken_john

I'm a pretty introverted guy. I can talk to people just fine, but it takes a lot of energy and exhausts me. I don't find joy in having extended conversations with people I don't already know or have things in common with.

This is troublesome with cuddling because I strongly desire the act of cuddling, but dread the small talk and trying to find things to talk about for the entire session. I have no issue with silence, but the people I've met with so far seem to get uncomfortable and I can sense it so I feel an obligation to talk. And an hour or even longer is a long time to have to sit and think about things to talk about.

The anxiety of needing to converse and the exhaustion of conversing eliminates all relaxation benefits of cuddling. So much so that I find myself not even scheduling anything or contemplating cancelling because I just do not feel like dealing with all of the small talk.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I understand that finding a cuddler that truly doesn't mind silence or that I mesh with is the best solution, but I haven't had luck yet (they've been very kind and friendly, I've just felt exhausted afterwards). I wish I was naturally more charismatic and extroverted, but I'm not and I don't enjoy it.

ProfHermes

Hi @ken_john , I struggle with it as well, since I’m not a big conversationalist. Going into a session with a new cuddle partner, it is natural for everyone to feel nervous. It’s like meeting someone new for the first time. But what’s so great about cuddling is that if you are cuddling a pro, they have experience with helping those who are nervous and should provide a safe and comfortable place to lead the conversation, or to respect a more silent session if needed. And once you find a good that cuddle partner that removes all your anxiety, this will not be a problem anymore.

GroundingLight

Be you.
A lot of ppl struggle with this just like you. There are things you can do personally to help keep yourself stable without experiencing the exhaustion.
Be clear that a silent session is what you’d prefer. I’m sure you’ll find cuddlers who would be happy to accommodate!
Just to shut everything off and snuggle up sounds fabulous!
Keep at it! ♥️☺️

SunsetSnuggles

This reads like a major introvert streak as the root, with a side effect of social anxiety, if that's helpful. Absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert (it's also not the same as shy or antisocial).

I would definitely convey to your cuddle friends or Pro's that you are really seeking a peaceful, quiet space to recharge in someone's arms, without any pressure for conversation.

I've had super chatty cuddles filled with deep talks or laughter, and I've had silent cuddles where we melt into each other and no words are needed...yes, even on a first cuddle! Based on your profile, it sounds like you really need to just be held and given a chance to breathe, decompress, and soak up care, without it involving a social aspect. This is a lovely type of cuddle and I'm sure you will find it. 😊

~ Sunset Snuggles

MelNYC

This is why I make a point of asking every client about their preferences. Some brush it off as unimportant, but things like conversation vs quiet, music, temperature, etc etc matters so much. I hope that’ll you’ll find pros that ask these questions! I know it can be tough to share it without being asked. I recommend all pros ask in advance what the client prefers because it helps everyone feel more comfortable.

LilyAnneNova

They might feel uneasy because they feel expected to talk? Just be honest about what you prefer. Maybe they want the same thing, can’t know without asking.

7gem

Talking is overrated anyway. I would just text.

ken_john

Thank you all for the responses. It seems like the general consensus is to be open and honest and look for a pro that is more open to a quieter session. I'm a people pleaser and struggle to communicate my needs, so it doesn't come naturally to me. It's definitely something I need to work on and cuddling with an understanding pro seems like a pretty good way to practice.

TheFunCartel

Maybe at the beginning of the session you have a long conversation about a silent session.

ken_john

Now that right there is the helpful advice I was looking for lol

TheFunCartel

@ken_john I am glad you took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

Smiley_Bounty

Hi! I’m a chatty Cathy by nature, but if I know someone prefers a quiet cuddle before hand I can settle into an experience with them.
Often what I like to do is hang out a bit with my cuddlee in my civilian clothes, and once I have my wiggles out, I can put on my pajamas. that’s when our time starts. A little bit of connection once we’re face-to-face goes a long way!

Violetblanket

Music helps keep both parties quiet 🤫

cuddlefaery

For what it's worth, social anxiety also comes hand-in-hand with other conditions that also cause RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). With RSD and PTSD, you can become hyperalert and hypersensitive to body language cues, vocal tones, microexpressions, etc. Your brain learned that these cues happen when bad things happen and it becomes a trigger.

Add that to general or social anxiety and you have a recipe for spiraling. It can get to where your brain tells you that someone is uncomfortable (even if they're not), therefore in danger of rejecting/criticizing/abandoning you, therefore spiking the anxiety what-ifs, guilt, and shame cycles. I've definitely had times where I assumed someone's silence was discomfort and worked myself up until I was a ball of nerves - and my anxiety and tension made them uncomfortable, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For me, learning to name the anxiety and/or RSD to myself goes a long way towards stopping the spiral. I don't always catch it, but I've also asked those close to me to point it out if it seems like I'm stuck in my head. Recognizing "my brain is lying to me", "it's only awkward because I'm making it awkward", "assuming I can read their mind is irrational", and "no one cares as much about my thoughts as I do" all help me break out of the loop and calm my nervous system tf down. And once that loop/spiral is stopped, or at least paused, my rational brain can either just move on, or I can realize I should just communicate and ask instead of assume. Worst case scenario, it is awkward and by asking we can resolve the issue. But far more likely it's my brain inventing rejection before it happens because it's become wired over the years to anticipate rejection and criticism.

Also worth noting: the most compatible cuddle partners won't require small talk - they'll welcome silence or deep dives because they're more interested in accommodating you than getting their needs met at your expense. Just communicate beforehand what your preferences and needs are and you'll either weed out those who are incompatible or you'll find out that they enjoy the same things you do 🙂

splitdrawcanvas

Im an anxious mess myself, always have been. Lift weights and practice a martial art. I have learned that us anxious (and me introverted) have lots of interesting knowledge, just spit some facts to your provider. Before CC i was getting massages regularly just to get myself out there to deal with the social anxiety. If you can afford it i recommend it too. In my honest opinion a one hour Cuddling session beats a deep tissue massage any day.

Dcuddler4U

I suffer from social anxiety too, and the worst part is most people in society don't get it. There is a very real "Just get over yourself and talk like everyone else." attitude, which makes things worse.

Having said that if this is an issue for cuddling I have been mostly lucky, while most cuddlers I know like to chat, at certain points they also like to embrace the silence. So I never feel like there is an “awkward silence” Again maybe I’ve just been lucky.

What I would suggest is just be upfront about it. One, put it in your profile, you could say you have social anxiety but I would stick to just saying you your an introvert and sometimes you just like to cuddle in silence. And then when you book with them mention it again.

I might have been extremely lucky but I have a hard time believing too many cuddlers would be bothered by this.

npcbum

I also struggle with anxiety. I got into cuddling to learn how to interact with women and to be less anxious around them. I learned about professional cuddling 3 years ago, but I did not cuddle anyone until the beginning of this year.

I spent much of grade school in sports or studying. I was also not physically attractive, so I never really had to navigate that type of interaction with someone of the opposite sex. The type of interactions that led to friendships.

Unfortunately, I struggle with “reading the room” with new experiences and I have to rely on past experiences. Most people aren’t willing to plainly state how they feel at any moment. Combine that with autism and it’s easy to find yourself in a situation where conversing with someone makes them uncomfortable. Or remaining silent during an interaction makes them uncomfortable. It’s even worse when your mere existence near your family makes them uncomfortable because you are different or awkward. In this case, most of your personal growth will come interactions in the real world and you will make mistakes.

But if you’re lucky, you’ll eventually meet someone, either on this site or in real life. Who doesn’t mind you and even enjoys your presence. And through the interactions you have with them, you’ll become less socially anxious and you’ll grow as a person.

If I could give you one advice, I would say go to therapy before trying cuddling. It’s how I met a friend who really accepted me. I experienced most of my growth because of her. We both are neurodivergent and we studied near each other, hung out, and enjoyed our awkward silence.

You don’t want to throw yourself into cuddling and place yourself in a position where you’re embraced in the arms of someone who has a very pleasant scent or face to face with someone so pretty, that you’re struggling to make conversation or to not make the silence awkward that you end up staring at them like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time and complimenting them to the point of them being uncomfortable. Don’t do that.

TattooSqueeze

@ken_john As a recovering people pleaser, I can empathize with you. I would advise you to spend more time getting to know the Pros before booking cuddle session. Not everyone is going to be the right match. Communicate the experience that you're seeking, this is one of the questions I ask during my vetting to see if I am the right match. Don't be afraid to emphasize the need for a silent cuddle session. The right Pro will understand and make sure you're comfortable melting into their arms. I'd also like to add if any point during a cuddle session you are no longer comfortable, it's ok to end the session. I let all my clients know this before a session is booked and again before we start a session. This is a mutually beneficial experience, both parties should feel comfortable. Great question!

Hoodiesnuggles

Hey,

I’m so sorry that is happening. I can completely understand your desire for silence while cuddling. I think that when I cuddle that way I get another level comfort not found in conversation. I hope someone reaches out to you after reading this thread with a desire to meet your needs. I would try with you if you were in Houston.

Cuddlesofcuddle

If you're not comfortable communicating this directly within the first few messages you can copy this forum link and paste it into your profile with a call out like, would we be compatible? Please read. Just throwing that out there.
I love me a silent cuddle!

JustAGuy215

I'm not the best at initiating conversations, but I will let my cuddle partner talk to me while I just listen. The most important part of that though is that you do have to listen actively, don't make them feel like they're just speaking at a wall. Ask questions, you'll have stuff to ask about as they share more. Small talk isn't necessary, build a rapport in chats so you can refer back to a topic you've touched up on. But you can also ask them if it's okay to have a bit of the session be silent. I love silent ones and my cuddle partner and I usually end our sessions with about 30-45 minutes of silent cuddling.

RogueSunflower

As others have said, you can always request silence from a pro. I’ve had clients like that myself.

For those who do want to talk but don’t like small talk I have different ways I help with that. First I offer them the remote and let them pick the music or whatever they want to watch. This gives me an idea of things they may like.

I also start with a very simple question, “what is your favorite color” then I ask them to describe the shade of that color. This gives me a chance to understand their personality and I adjust further. I also have a set of cards with questions that get people thinking and are great ways to start a conversation.

I’m also a professional yapper, so I don’t mind carrying the whole conversation.

Even with all this if someone wants silence and they ask for that, I’m ok with that.