Connecting with people

edited February 2018 in General

When finding someone to cuddle, there is a natural tendency to make sure you are going to connect with them ... maybe having something in common like a hobby or favourite TV show, or maybe just talking for a while to see if you have similar interests, values, etc.

But it didn't work that way for the person who is now my favourite cuddler. She's a professional, so it's a little different to what happens with an "enthusiast". But nevertheless, we pretty much cuddled straight away (after she checked I was safe enough). And it was the quickest I've ever become close to someone in my whole life ... which was fantastic.

I guess it was the oxytocin telling me it was safe to let my guard down with her, combined with her sweet nature and openness. But I really surprised myself how affectionate I was being -- verbally and physically -- with someone I had known less than an hour. Cuddling was a very cool short cut to getting to know a stranger very quickly!

I've been reading through karma comments (a post on that coming soon), and one common thread I noticed was statements like "it felt like we'd known each other for years" or "it was as if we were old friends meeting again, rather than just for the first time". That's partly a skill some professionals have (putting people at ease), but I also think it's an effect of touch.

I realise it is important to feel safe with someone, and to get a feel for who they are and how they see a cuddling relationship ...

But can I encourage people to maybe just take the plunge sometimes and just cuddle? Even if you don't have a huge amount in common, you might find an instant bond anyway just through that experience of affectionate touch. It's an awesome way to begin a new friendship!

Comments

  • [Deleted User]ivlegend (deleted user)

    Totally agree:) cuddling can open the new doors for friendship and it's amazing!

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)

    I found this approach was a bit hit and miss - I ended up connecting really well with one cuddle buddy I met, but I didn't end up having a great connection with the other three I tried. I find for me, personality and shared interests can make a real difference to the connection. However, I feel that all those experiences were worthwhile and you never know if you don't try!

  • edited February 2018

    @Sunflowerfield That makes sense. We won't click with everybody ...

    It's just interesting to me that it's possible to start with cuddles and then find out if you connect, rather than necessarily needing a long process of evaluating each other before cuddling. Possibly someone could miss out on a good cuddle buddy by dismissing someone too quickly.

    It makes me wonder what it is like for professionals when they are constantly meeting new people who they wouldn't necessarily have selected if they were non-professionals ...

  • I'm comfortable with most people almost instantly, but I've also noticed something else about cuddling. For some people, it seems to create a safe environment to cause them to reveal very personal things. This happened to me when I cuddled with a male pro. It was our first meeting in person, though we'd corresponded a bit by email and chatted on the phone. I felt totally comfortable with him right away, but by the end of our cuddle, I revealed something to him about me that I normally wouldn't have told people that had known me a lot longer.

    It has happened to me several times, also, that my cuddler has revealed things to me of a very personal nature, things that caused them pain in their lives. It doesn't happen every time, so there are still variables: it could be that the cuddler is good at putting people at ease, it could be that the other cuddler needs to get something off his mind, or it could be that cuddling induces this type of deep conversation.

    I've been told many times that I'm good at putting people at ease. I've also been told many times, "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but . . ." If it's me that's putting people enough at ease to confide in me, I'm happy about that, but I do think that cuddling is a catalyst.

  • @BlueIris I think a good cuddle gives the message that you are being cared for, valued, safe etc. so I agree that cuddling is an environment where people can open up more easily than usual.

  • edited February 2018

    I guess my point is that it's OK to start cuddling fairly early once you determine the person is basically safe. Then if you don't click with each other, that's OK too -- it was worth a try.

  • edited February 2018

    Hi @respectful. Interesting observation.

    I had a long ramble but when I got to the conclusion I found out my reluctance to jump into meeting one-on-one to cuddle comes down to a fear of saying 'no' should things not work out. More often than not it looks like a case where I'd be a guest rejecting a host's invitation. That would make me feel bad too.

    I feel like there might be less pressure to have things work out and a greater sense of safety at an organised cuddle party.

  • edited February 2018

    Thanks for making this post! :)

    It's interesting, just before you posted this I had a similar thought processes I was thinking through. Here I will share one experience I had with someone I had met some time ago and my thoughts on the subject.

    He was actually nice and good listener. Though I suppose I can be a moderate talker in the right company or if I am nervous I can lose balance some - lol (most do when nervous or/ they shut-down some). It's just that spark was missing - our hobbies and personality barely aligned!

    For the most part, I am looking for good connections/friendships that lead to cuddles as opposed to the other way around. (Some times talks/questions we have are okay or basic to us though not so to the other person - which too can* be important to be on similar levels of openness, among other things). *Or in any case learn to respect that either in some areas or most you two differ.

    Whatever it is that gives, some people can just have flowing conversations and vibe so well - easily - timely. Some times these are "learned - mastered" skills. I also do get what you're saying. It's something I would give a try at least once given the chance. However, it resonates naturally with me to start with a good connection in many areas as for me cuddling is not just about the physical aspects that can lead to better feelings though also being able to have mutually enjoyable conversations and hobbies which then can lead to friendships. In order to give your idea a try I know I would need to get to a stage which I can dismiss for a moment my strong desire to first form a connection /-/ friendship. :)

  • edited February 2018

    The above was more or less a mutual decision. However I did also experience an unrequited connection. I felt that I really did connect with this person and at least would like to see them again. However, they have not felt the same and never I got a let's talk about it from them - despite my effort - if I made a mistake or some misunderstanding I think we could've overcome - though that's the past and they weren't wanting to talk. I respect their decision too. Just presenting some of all the variations. :)

  • I do think it can be a hit and miss but worth a try . As long as you feel safe it can’t hurt to try . You may find a life long friend , you may find new hobbies through this new friend . I think it’s good to meet people with different lifestyles and hobbies because it expands your horizons and opens you up to new things .

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    I guess there are some parallels between dating sites and here. A couple times with a match who approached me, but didn’t ring my initial bell, we set up coffee dates, with the understanding that we would meet, but go home and process before deciding to move forward. Disaster. My initial disinterest was warranted. And of course both of them, having agreed that we’d digest our meeting before deciding on a date, pushed me for an answer right now. The original idea of not deciding right away was to avoid having to reject someone face to face. I did reject both, on the basis that by pressing for an immediate answer when we had agreed otherwise, showed that they were not respectful of boundaries.
    Live and learn if it doesn’t feel right online, I might agree to continue with the online conversation briefly, but no personal meetings if I have genuine doubts.

  • edited February 2018

    Greybeard

    I do agree! I think also part of getting that respect is being able to express the discomfort and giving the other a chance because they might have some good reasons for wanting to meet again sooner/ or maybe they feel they really enjoyed the time. It does take both parties willingness to express how both feel and willingness to respect that expression. :)

  • Seconding. I think you said it perfectly, @Greybeard.

  • I'm used to not connecting with people, so making sure I'm going to connect with a potential cuddle buddy isn't something I care too much about. Of course it's nice if we have similar taste in movies (if we're going to be watching one), or books (if we're going to be reading aloud to one another), or food (if we're going to be eating together), but getting the human touch I need to be physically healthy is more important to me.

    The unstated assumption in this thread seems to be that emotional connection or bond of some sort is actually necessary, so even if it's not there to begin with you shouldn't give up, because it might turn up after a cuddle.

    Am I some sort of monster? It isn't as though I hate emotional connection or anything, I just don't think it's impossible to have a good cuddling relationship without it. Or, at least, I hope it's not, since I'm alexithymic.... Forming emotional connections really isn't a specialty of mine. On the upside, no one has to worry about offending me with a "no." So there's that, I suppose.

  • edited February 2018

    @DarrenWalker I can see the benefit in not requiring a deep emotional connection! (You're not a monster).

    To me though, there is a clear difference in the quality of a cuddle between someone I am connecting with both emotionally and physically vs just physically. I feel embraced on multiple levels at once as a person, and I feel safe / loved / cared for / valued / accepted. That doesn't happen for me if it's just touch and nothing else.

  • [Deleted User]DeliMan (deleted user)

    Personally i would rather hace an emotional connection with the person i am going to cuddle with. It would be much rasier to truly feel relaxed together.

  • As much as cuddling is nice, I much prefer a good conversation..

  • [Deleted User]DeliMan (deleted user)

    @Curiousgeorge1 You are exactly right.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    Conversation is a thing of the past. Or at least it has evolved into conversations that are actually strings of electronic messages.

  • @Greybeard I turn my ringer off while socializing or sometimes leave ot in the car even.

  • edited February 2018

    @Curiousgeorge1, @DeliMan, @Lovelight Coincidentally enough, just posted something about the kinds of things people say in karma comments, and "conversation" and "personality" were the biggest areas ...

  • @respectful Thanks, man. It's good to hear something like that once in a while.

    @Greybeard Hey, don't underestimate strings of electronic messages! Not everyone communicates best using... ehh, what's a good term... mouth noise. For people like me, this new age of accessible communication is a godsend.

    Conversation and personality, huh? Ahaha. Oh, I'm doomed.

  • @DarrenWalker "Conversation and personality, huh? Ahaha. Oh, I'm doomed."

    Well, that's just the professionals ... you can just be the one who enjoys their sparkling personality and conversation. :)

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)
    edited February 2018

    @DarrenWalker et al. I didn’t say that electronic communication was bad, just different. It filters away things like intonation, facial expression and body language, which can cause problems, but it also forces us to discuss the meaning of what was said when we aren’t sure of the language’s intent. We try to mitigate some of this by SHOUTING or by the use of smileys or emoticons. ;)

  • @Greybeard Ah, sorry—when someone says something like "Conversation is a thing of the past. Or at least it has evolved into conversations that are actually strings of electronic messages," I tend to assume the speaker doesn't like written communication (and maybe doesn't even consider an online conversation conversation at all). It's the word choice, I think....

    Since I was born speaking a different body language to the rest of humanity, I'm used to being misinterpreted. I didn't mean to do it to you. Sorry.

    @respectful [laugh] Well, I do like to think I make a decent listener in person. Although goodness knows I haven't the money to pay for the enjoyment of someone else's sparkling personality and conversation! In any case, I suppose I might make a good match for people who either like carrying an entire (or almost an entire) conversation on their own, or those who know how to enjoy a comfortable silence.

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