(UPDATED) HONEST question need HONEST answers ONLY please!

edited May 2018 in General

Update Notes: First and foremost, for those of you who took the time to read my post and leave a comment today, Thank You for the good advice. It was also helpful to hear what a girl would think / how she would feel in that position. I went back and revised a few things that I could see I definitely didn't make clear initially and for those of you who go back and reread my post Double Thank You.

Hi everyone, so this is my first post on here and I really wouldn’t be posting my personal feelings online if I didn’t think someone out here has some pretty good advice. So here goes.

I’ve been talking to a girl I knew from highschool (both CO ‘16). She was in a relationship all through school so we knew each other but we didn’t get extremely close. Their relationship turned sour some months ago and she’s been manipulated by a few fuckboys between then and now. We've been talking for a month but I was out of state and now she is, so we haven't been able to see each other. I’ve gotten to the point where she knows I’m here for her and not just her body but, In short she’s become extremely guarded and while claims she's abstaining from sex just for the moment, wants to cuddle all the time and show physical affection. My problem, and I’ll be completely honest here. I’ve never given someone that type of affection and I keep thinking this erection with a mind of its own is going to make her think I just want sex and completely ruin a really good thing. If she just wanted to jump in bed and have a go, no problem señorita. And she may, but I don't want that to come off as the first thing on my mind since she's already told me she's tired of 'guys' just looking at her as a nice body. So I guess my question is how could I keep her as comfortable as possible if that situation arises. I’d rather just explain it in some way to get that elephant out of the room because I know I won’t be able to just scoot back a little and play it off. Also, if we do end up in that situation, how do I not let it change her perceived intentions of me. I truly care for this girl with me heart and sex is definitely not the first thing on my mind with her. I think that’ll happen naturally and I don’t want my dick jumping the gun.

I know this is a topic on forums a lot but on all of the others, I’ve found nothing but useless joking or making fun of. This is a TRUE problem for me and all I’m looking for is a little advice. Not the “don’t be ashamed, stuff it in” or “think about your grandma naked” advice. True helpful advice like how she’d be feeling and how a girl would want that situation to be diffused. And if I can give any in return I’d be more than willing.

Thanks, T


  • Floridadude, I hear the sincerity in this message and appreciate that the nice-guys hasn't disappeared from the younger generation. My advice to you is this.

    Search yourself and your true intentions. If you selflessly want to be a benefit to this girl (wether or not you get "friendzoned") then your friend downstairs won't intervene. Once you allow your heart and mind to think you can be with her romantically, your body will respond. If you can look at her without wanting her body and/or pretty face for yourself, you'll be able selflessly comfort her. However, if you can't do this, you shouldn't try to fill the "platonic comfort void", for it will only lead to more heartache. I pray you're honest with yourself and her. Best of luck niceguy. ;)

  • Biggest way to keep boner blues at bay is to maintain positions where I wouldn't make contact, like leaning on a couch and such.

  • I disagree that if your mind is honestly against it, your body won't respond. Even asexuals who have zero drive or interest in sex will get erections. It is a natural bodily response. Agree with @cease2exist. Try to avoid positions where it contacts her. That also helps in that even if it happens, she won't know right away.

  • What cease2exist said. Be in charge of the positions so things are kept low profile, and also wear enough layers that it's easier to ignore. If things are really awkward, excuse yourself to the bathroom.

    If it seems she's noticing and acting a little awkward, or you know that it's very obvious, just say I'm sorry, I need to sit up/shift a bit, etc. or I'm not trying to do anything. Put a subtle amount of extra distance between you and her when that happens, and she'll get the clear signal that you aren't trying to push for more. Rolling away to be little spoon is a good option for keeping things to yourself until it passes. If you don't start acting like you want to act on it, she'll be able to relax.

    I hope that helps!

  • @floridadude does she know that you have feelings for her? That you want a relationship? Cause it’s important that you are both clear on that. Also if she knows and excepts how you feel she would be more forgiving of slips. To be safe and make sure she feels comfortable I’d suggest a small pillow in between if you decide to spoon.

  • I think it depends on what she knows and how she feels about things. If it is a truly honest platonic friend thing, I would think you could bring it up that a boner might happen, not because you want anything, but just because certain touches can cause it and sometimes it just comes up. Then you could ask what she would prefer you do, roll over or leave the room. But if she is the kind of girl grossed out by that, which many are and want to act like penises on guys don’t exist, then I would say just roll over, move over in a way where she wouldn’t feel it and it isn’t touching her. And always keep in mind that you will be way more conscious of it than she will ever be.

  • PinkLipstick22 has the answer. Do not act on it. Back away, turn, lay on your stomach and ask her to rub your back. If you can settle into your heart, it’s just 2 friends comfortable with each other. If you focus on the touch, it could go either way. Your member does not have a mind of its own, it reacts to your subconscious. Meaning, unless you are a guru or done decades of denial training, stuff might come up. You have control over where your mind goes, your subconscious, not so much.

    It might be an idea to acknowledge it the first time it comes up, and have a conversation about it. Deal directly. “Hey, I’m not very good at this, but I want to be here for you. I’m not here to be your next fuckboy. Can you spoon me?” The choice becomes hers: she stays or she goes.

    When I cuddle, and I feel it start, I change positions, trying to focus on her comfort, and nurturing her in a non-sexual way. Stroke her hair, her hand, trace her temples, anything soothing. You will find what soothes you, and maybe what soothes her.

  • you're friendzoned amigo. if she won't see you as a partner/bf then basically you are being an emotional tampon. no cuddles unless YOU are getting paid. make it absolutely clear that this is simply a transaction and leave the rest of your and her emotional baggage out of it.

  • The notion that friends cannot engage is certain levels of platonic physical intimacy is culturally bound and archaic.

  • I like a lot of these responses and to echo a little bit of what others are saying... work with positions that are more low profile but if she or yourself feel the need to be closer, it’s really about not entertaining what’s going on in your pants. If she notices, it helps to be forward in saying “sorry, it’s a natural man reaction but you don’t have to worry about me acting on it” I’m sure she’ll appreciate that and you can even excuse yourself to show your respect and be back once you feel ready.

  • You should have a conversation about that first. If she knows ahead of time that an erection may happen and that it doesn't mean anything, and she decides to go ahead and cuddle you, then you're fine. Sometimes it's less awkward to discuss it beforehand.

  • edited May 2018

    You may not be able to control it, but you can certainly control what you do about it and you can control how close it gets in her general direction. Don't touch her with it, back away, shift, maneuver, etc. Don't wear anything super thin, and utilize a light blanket or sheet to create cover, or even a throw pillow to create some distance if needed. If she notices, simply say sorry, as I am sure its not the first time she has ever experienced a guy having an erection and recognizes it is not always intentional. Much like having gas after a big meal, guys get erections if there is close physical contact, it happens, not usually that big of deal to either party. I am sure you have had erections before in situations where you are not having sex with someone, so do whatever has worked for you in the past. Different scenario, but same deal nonetheless.

  • edited May 2018

    The OP had a long and winded explanation about his situation but I have to say that this is another topic that basically amounts to another guy asking what to do with his erection.
    We've been here before and I am surprised as to the amount of responses which in the end are basically the same as they have always been. The OP stated that he had already read all the threads regarding the topic and he didn't find any answers and although all the answers given so far are very thoughtful and considerate I think no new ground has been covered.
    What is true though is that we are still adults and we all know how to deal with these kind of situations in an adult manner without having to ask the same question one more time : "what do I do if I get an erection"
    Just my two cents

  • @mellow Agreed! I decided a different approach and decided to humor with a detailed answer rather than my usual eye roll but no matter what way you look at it, we have all gotten erections since childhood so as an adult it isn't as though you haven't been in this situation by now.

  • Honestly, I would say talk to her honestly about it. My personal approach would be to say something along the lines of: "Look, I understand that what you need me to be right now is just a friend to support you, but let's face it, you're a beautiful woman. There is a chance that while we a cuddling that something may stir below, but I want you to understand that if it does that it is an involuntary reaction, and doesn't change my intentions when I am holding you. If it happens and you feel it and it makes you uncomfortable then we can simply change our cuddling position."

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    As someone else said, use a small pillow.

    If Bruce Banner can control his lil monster, you can too.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    @chococuddles - clap, clap. Its flesh.
    @OP - If you get aroused, then you get aroused. It doesn't mean you failed any test and it doesn't mean you have to DO ANYTHING with it, but keep it in your pants. Worrying about it before it's even a problem only means you avoid any chance of getting the connection that you both need. If she's asking for intimacy, she's not going to freak out about that possible result from your sharing space and closeness.

  • [Deleted User]lilredmage (deleted user)

    Don't worry about it. And above all else, don't bring the topic up. This isn't a cuddle session but an actual friendship that may or may not become something more. Cuddle however you or she wants. She's an adult and she's been in a relationship before. I'm sure it's nothing new to her. You'll get used to it.

  • [Deleted User]MichaelFJudd (deleted user)

    @floridadude It IS going to happen. There's no getting around it.

    She'll probably understand that it's just a natural, biological reaction. If you want to be careful, though, try to wear tight shorts/undergarments, or tense your leg muscles to move blood away from that area of your body.

    Good luck and happy cuddling! :)

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