Asking for what you want

Tallmann

Has anyone else found it difficult to ask for what they want? If you’re desiring to be held, is it challenging to ask for that?
I have trouble first identifying my needs. Just getting to the realization that I could use some physical affection is a struggle. Then comes the task of admitting to someone that I have these needs. I guess i imagine it makes me seem weak, which wouldn’t be an attractive characteristic for a guy to show.
In the past I would wait and see if my partner would just love me out of the blue. As if they could read my mind. This passive aggressive approach always failed me.
The inability to request the emotional support that I need has repeatedly harmed my romantic relationships. Now I’m doing the work to identify my needs and learning how to ask for what I want. It’s too important to go without. And I want my dating relationships to be freed of this destructive pattern.
Does this happen to you? How do you approach this?

Here’s a video of a little green bird that knows how to ask for the cuddles it needs:
https://www.facebook.com/thedodosite/videos/1943238389314718/

ijiMonster

@Tallmann I’ve had issues expressing myself in the past, but I’ve learned that being as direct as possible really gets you what you’re looking for! I’ve had some interesting cuddle requests. Some I’ve turned down, but most I’ve been willing (or even looking forward to) trying out. Just be totally open & honest. If you’re that uncomfortable telling people what you’re looking for, try just adding it to your profile instead for now & let them check tour page out to see if you’re looking for the same things. Just remember, it’s isually easier to find likeminded people than your brain makes it out to be. Don’t be nervous, just be you!

ijiMonster

@Tallmann I’ve also learned that being yourself pushes away the people that aren’t willing to accept you, but that’s perfect because the people who are willing to accept you for who you are will stay around & provide MUCH better friendships/relationships than those who were unaccepting of you! So in that case, expressing your true self is not as scary as it may seem because it’ll really help you to build relationships that are actually meaningful to who you actually are for once! When I first began to push myself to express myself properly, it was difficult & I had to fight myself not to hide away.. I had to really push myself to be me no matter how weird I thought I might come off as or no matter how I thought others would feel about who I truly am. It was surely harder at first, but doing so has really given me so much confidence that now I not only express exactly how I feel, but I won’t put myself in situations that make me feel like I have to hide away. I feel like I’m actually living now because I’m actually being me. You’ll get used to it (:

BlueIris

@Tallmann "Then comes the task of admitting to someone that I have these needs. I guess i imagine it makes me seem weak, which wouldn’t be an attractive characteristic for a guy to show." Women don't interpret it that way at all, even though some unenlightened men might. More importantly, the right cuddle partner and a good human being would be glad that you could communicate what you need, would hold you and be happy that he or she could do something for you that makes you feel good.

ijiMonster

@BlueIris Nicely put! (:

CreativeCuddles

I tell everyone from my D & A clients, personal life (could be why I am single!!) my children and my cuddlers, communication is the key and if you don’t tell or show me I don’t know. Guessing only provides for frustration and life provides enough of that for all of us, we don’t need more. As someone stated above we have to know what we want before we can express it to another. We shouldn’t feel guilty if we don’t want and need things the same as everyone else. If you have the capability to express and share those things with another that is a huge foundation to build on. I would love my cuddlers to feel and experience things they crave. If there is something they want to experience or feel I want to provide (within boundaries) and show them these feelings still exist.

Babichev

When I was in my 20s I quite literally expected my partner to know what I wanted and just give it to me without my asking. I expected them to read my mind. What finally made me see how unrealistic that was was seeing it from the opposite side. After all, I could not read other people's minds.

If we ask for what we want we may not get it, but if we don't ask our chances are even less.

stellarlovee

speak up, closed mouths don’t get fed, with my cuddle partner .. i told him after the 1st cuddle i would love to always start being held & he agreed that he would really like that too, but i also added that i do enjoy holding him & playing in his hair & he was really happy i relayed the information to him as he felt really wanted & care for plus loved, so that opened the door for us to open express other cuddling positions & the needing for us to both reciprocate one another’s feelings of wanting, caring, human connection!

Tallmann

@ijiMonster Thanks for the encouraging perspective
@BlueIris True. I don’t want to accept that it’s a weakness
@CreativeCuddles You really have a magnificent heart! ?
@Babichev “in my 20s” - That’s where I’d like to leave these patterns.
@stellarlovee That’s beautiful

I appreciate these thoughts. Thank you everybody. ???

CreativeCuddles

@Tallmann you are very kind ☺️

Check out Brene' Brown's talk on vulnerability. Her stuff is really powerful. https://youtube.com/watch?v=AO6n9HmG0qM

Tallmann

@InnerChildCuddl Thank you! I enjoyed this video. Empathy is the key to solving all of our problems. I hadn’t seen the connection to vulnerability.