I have a friend who teaches workshops on consent and he drew my attention to a recent episode of RadioLab that focused on consent. I listened to it with him and we spent some time discussing consent and all its complexities. I agreed with him that I thought this particular podcast was exceptional in the way it dealt with the subject. More specifically, it examined the experience of many women who, on one hand, have a difficult time asserting their boundaries, largely because they've been socialized to "be nice" and not upset other people, and also the problem of not being listened to when they do try to assert their boundaries. The podcast is looking at consent in the context of intimate physical relationships but I think it's relevant to consent within cuddling relationships, too, and thought it would be worth posting here.
Among the many things brought up was what I call the delayed reaction - realizing later that I did not really like something that was going on but it didn't really sink in at the time. I've been figuring out, through trial and error, what works well for me in a cuddling situation and what doesn't. I don't expect a partner to read my mind. In hearing someone else describe this experience, I realized I was not alone in having this delayed reaction experience and hope to make use of what I've learned in past experiences as I move forward.
When my friend and I were discussing this podcast, we agreed it was important for both men and women to explore the issues raised in it. Women aren't always real clear about their boundaries and can send mixed messages. On the other hand, men often ignore what women are saying to them. I realize this is a broad generalization but it's also a very common experience.
The podcast is about an hour long and some of it is pretty explicit, so be forewarned. I hope some folks will take the time to listen and will find it interesting. In the end, I think it comes down to a few simple principles: be clear with yourself about what you want and what you don't, don't be afraid to assert your boundaries and move away from anyone who doesn't respect them, and listen - really listen - to what your partner is telling you.
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-1?fbclid=IwAR3WP8Np4-M0pb_8iM67Gd0gIdsJWS5Mh3n51eGQAr-2a8sqBBI6hcKO6xY