My exponential vulnerability dilemma.

b_link121

I’m sure there have been many posts here on vulnerability, but please permit me to add to the list. This might end up being a bit long, forgive me. I will try to sum it up as briefly as possible.

Some context on me: 26 years old, depression for 5+ years, therapy for 1.5 years, meds for 1 year, parents divorced at 9, dad narcissist, mom severely depressed and emotionally distant all my life due to childhood sexual abuse, I have always had a deep empathy and desire to help so I unconsciously exhausted myself emotionally constantly by trying to help my mom feel better (which was impossible for therapists, how much more so for a child) while also being starved of emotional connection, and basically ended up finishing the job by unconsciously, directly and indirectly self sabotaging everything that could have been good in my life. Phew.

Contributing factors: I am terrified and largely incapable of choosing to be truly vulnerable. TERRIFIED. I compensate by presenting a false “me” and sort of molding and adapting to become what I think might be most likely to be accepted by others. My fear of vulnerability has throughout my life led me to make terrible choices and do many things of various degrees that I now regret deeply and which now, in addition to the internalization of worthlessness that happened in my young mind during my childhood, have led to a deeply ingrained self hatred and detest which in my subconscious, and much of the time my conscious mind, is completely correct and based on sound logic.

My problem: Vulnerability as I understand it is the act or choice of opening up or showing an undefended part of yourself and therefore being at risk of being hurt, damaged or negatively impacted by another. This is illustrated by a warrior who lets down his shield because he chooses to trust someone, leaving himself at risk of direct attack and pain. I feel sick when I think of the person I am inside. A hugely dominant part of me hates, truly hates who I am. How can I choose to show something to someone I hope will care, when what I have to show is so horrid in my mind? How can I trust someone not to hurt me when I have been so deeply hurt consistently by so many people that were supposed to love me in my past, and when there is a legitimate risk of someone else feeling the same way as I do, or rejecting me in one of the infinite possible ways? And besides that, how can I do something that will potentially be so kind and beneficial, to someone (myself) that I hate so much...?

The exponential nature of the problem: The longer I remain in this state the more reasons I have for hating myself. I remain a coward. It is further confirmed that I am alone, and that I hate myself, and that it will never change. It becomes harder to take action.
I’ve gotten to the point now where I have barely any confidence that change is even possible for my, that I will ever find solace or rest... I doubt that this post will even help... but for some reason part of me still tries.

So I appeal to you, strangers and fellow inhabitants of this dismal existence, to share your solutions. Maybe the puzzle isn’t impossible to solve. Maybe... maybe something better is possible for me.

cease2exist

Courage is still courage if you're shaking in the boots that you're taking your first steps in. See what small, practical, terrifying ways you can inch forward.

b_link121

I have tried inching for years... looking back, it feels like each inch I took shot me back a foot. Even sometimes before that inch could even take effect I defeated it and ended it so that I at least could only blame myself for being hurt...

Wow. It is very unfortunate that you had such an upbringing. It's Awesome that you tried to help your mother through her issues given what she suffered - that definitely took being strong on your part. That can certainly be emotionally damaging - and you've already acknowledged that you needed help in seeking therapy.

The above said, you are already showing vulnerability just by appealing to us for help and otherwise opening up about your situation. Also, I would note that there's no seeking affection without showing some type of vulnerability. In this world, we are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; there is no guarantee. You can definitely meet someone on friendly terms - no doubt. However, the moment you start getting to know each other, you're sure to show vulnerability. You're pretty much taking a leap of faith with anyone to whom you open up.

You shouldn't keep your troubles bottled up forever. I trust that you know this just by your seeking therapy and reaching out to us. All I can say is to give it a try. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. What happened with your parents can never be changed, but it doesn't doom you to living a life of negativity either. Think positive thoughts. There are many cuddlers here with whom you can bond, professional or not. Do not be apprehensive about the $$ part should you choose a pro cuddler. That person could just be someone who helps you on your journey to greener pastures. Don't expect that things will happen overnight either... Rome wasn't built in one day.

Best of luck to you! ?❤

Just noting that I intend to respond to this at some point, but it may take a while.
All the best.

happybear

Change is tough but needed. Look and list all the positives you've done and reflect on those not all the negatives.
Selfcare is so important. Start doing things for you, things that you enjoy, that will allow you to see value in your decisions and actions. Understand that what you do affects how you feel. You are too hard on yourself, so many people are, you are doing the things your striving for. You just asked a general forum how I could be less vulnerable, by opening up, you are working on the problem already. There are support groups that could help. No one should feel alone, others have been there and can help.
Keep up doing what your doing, your in the game and learning from it, it takes time and alot of work on your part.

PaulaDahla

Welcome to the community of very similiar individuals. You aren't one of a kind here other than in the good individual way that makes you you.

Most of us have past or childhood issues that effect each of us in detrimental ways also.
So again, welcome. You're among friends and like minded people with a few trolls and haters thrown in for variety. Just ignore them.

respectful

@b_link121 I can understand the idea of making yourself vulnerable bringing up fears about how people might react, but ...

I have very positive associations with the word "vulnerability". To me it means feeling safe to be known. The focus isn't on the risk, it's on the benefit of connecting with another human being on a non-superficial level, which is a huge benefit. I love feeling known by someone!

Also: being vulnerable with someone doesn't necessarily have to mean telling them everything there is to know about you all at once. It can be a small little step, maybe just letting someone know things you like: favourite animals or food or music, things that touch you emotionally -- things that make you uniquely you. When you've been through a lot of pain and rejection, your identity can become all about those things, but there is a lot more to you than that. Being vulnerable isn't primarily about your negatives, or things you see as negative. You are full of wonderful and interesting treasures, and valuable as a person as the unique person that you are.

Also also: vulnerability doesn't even have to involve words. Just holding hands, or gazing into someones eyes for longer than would be normal socially, or letting someone physically close in a cuddle can be some great ways to become vulnerable. All of those involve allowing someone to know you. Touch can really strongly communicate a sense of acceptance, and the only risk is that the other person might draw back and push you away -- which isn't going to happen with someone else who loves cuddling! So it's a pretty safe way to be vulnerable.

So maybe when you get to cuddle someone, take it a little slowly. Enjoy their touch and the sense of acceptance it brings, and don't feel you have to become 100% "emotionally naked" in order to be vulnerable. Of course it can help a lot to pour out your fears and pain to someone verbally, but there is something about being held and touched that can feel like it's your whole self that is being embraced and accepted and loved. In the context of this site, it's a low risk approach to vulnerability.

4cuddles

Reading this post and responses feels like a cuddly hug. Be nice to hear how you get on b_link121.

UKGuy

I would suggest some kind of volunteer work where you will be helping other people. Helping other people is one of the best ways to forget about your own problems. Maybe your local Hospital, Salvation Army or Animal Shelter needs some help with something.

b_link121

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. I usually like to respond individually to each person but I don’t think I’d be able to keep up...

I also feel and understand that vulnerability is a hugely positive thing and is probably the key to living a real, fulfilling life and meeting and knowing people that truly understand and support and love me. And I know that it doesn’t have to be all at once, in fact probably trying to be completely vulnerable about everything all at once would be artificial and defeat the point. I do try to do small things... making eye contact with people, going outside of my comfort zone a bit in order to try and do a kind thing for a stranger, and I always try to be as honest as possible with people that I am friends with. But there is a part of me deep inside that holds me back from really truly being vulnerable.

What I mean is, I do a lot of things that people would say are great steps to being vulnerable, this post for example. But even when I reach out, even when I fight and struggle with all my conscious mental and emotional strength to try to trust someone, there is a part of me, almost like a kill-switch in my psyche, that will not allow me to be in a position where someone else can hurt me or disappoint me the way it has happened before. Even in small ways. It’s like I am constantly defending myself and I end up being distant, anxious, controlled or just fake. Even when I think I’m not being fake, if I stop and look at myself, in some way I am acting like someone I am not in order to avoid disappointing someone and therefore be rejected, or be disappointed by someone not liking me. No one can live like that, but when it starts at a young age, a person finds ways to sustain it. The mind of a child is extremely adaptable and capable, and once those emotional survival techniques are set in place and confirmed or deepened by personal experience over the years, it’s has very very long term, if not permanent, effects...

b_link121

But I agree that touch is maybe one of the best ways to ease into vulnerability and feel safe. At least for me and most or all of us on this site. It’s pretty hard to convincingly fake cuddling and compassion through physical touch. I think being embraced, held, holding hands, having your hair stroked or your face touched very tenderly while keeping deep eye contact, all of that produces such a feeling of oneness and peace and acceptance. Perhaps it’s even more potent when it’s someone who is mostly a stranger. I’m not sure why exactly, but it just seems like it would feel somehow safer or more meaningful to be emotionally and physically (completely non sexually) intimate with someone who you just met, while knowing enough to trust them of course. I don’t know... I am sad though that it takes so much time and patience to hopefully make a viable connection for cuddling here. I understand why, but when I read people profile I just wish I could be there right then with them because the needs we have for connection and safe expressions of confirmation and acceptance are all the same! I wish there wasn’t so much fear, so many fake or wicked people causing the good hearted ones to have to be so careful with anyone the contact. The sad thing is, the fear and caution is well founded and completely correct and necessary. I just wish I could somehow find someone who sees me. Who recognizes that I am not that way... but I don’t think I could ask that level of trust of anyone. I can’t undo all the fear and pain people have experienced. To ask someone to trust me so deeply based on nothing but my word and my promise seems impossible. I don’t know... I’m sorry for ranting like that.

Yeah dude, I’m glad you’re in a place to explore somatically trusting others. It sounds like your dealing with a lot of trauma throughout your lifetime, and you can’t ‘reason’ your way out of that. You gotta experience your way out of it, and doing so through touch is really really great. I’d suggest asking cuddle partners if they would be down to hold hands to start with, in silence and maybe with music on, and then move on to full cuddle mode, but still without pressure to talk. This will send signals to your brain that your nervous system can be calm around this person, and then you can choose to talk about whatever’, or not!

Also someone mentioned volunteering...that shit is depression’s kryptonite. For real.

b_link121

@just_me_ruthieb Thank you for the suggestion. I think that would help a lot... that’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

I have seen in other people’s lives that giving to others really can have a huge positive effect and I understand the reasons why, but at this point, I don’t k is if I can even do that... It’s like my brain is in this thick fog and all I can see or cope with is trying to survive each day. It’s hard or maybe impossible for me at this point to see or reach out beyond that. It’s like my brain is in full lockdown survival mode. Minimal functions only.

PaulaDahla

@respectful also also...love it.!

Actually I agree with his whole reply, thanks for that particularly insightful response. May I just add to the also also section of his response that we all have some flaws we think are well hidden except if someone where to touch you there. So if someone who loves cuddling does pull away upon a certain touch or move it's probably not you their rejecting so much as their own perceived imperfections.

As an example I'll use a fairly common issue with older women, as we lose our natural supply of feminineness and get closer to menopause or are already there, we as a gender; start to sprout hairs in odd, unwelcome places such as cheeks or chest or chin. Some women let them grow, some pluck, some shave. Not noticeable by sight usually but would be felt. Or the dreaded double chin, if I felt I have a double chin I may well shy away from allowing someone to caress my jawline or neck. My hang up not my cuddle partners. As a person I know that being touched on the cheek or chin is an exquisite experience and one that I would hate to forgo but I do have my insecurities also.

So yes, slow is the word. With every man I've cuddled so far I've gone into it as the start of a long term relationship, years of potential cuddling and much, much better cuddling as we get to know each other better, let down our guard and allow ourselves to be vulnerable as well. Can you imagine having cuddled the same friend for 3 or 7 years? Or even longer? How close you'd be to those people, how much you would've shared together, how well known you are to them because all your deep vulnerabilities have been exposed and laid aside in exchange for full acceptance and love.

That's my goal anyway, to have at least 4 cuddlers that will stick with me for the rest of our natural lives, cuddling through family issues, medical issues, personal issues, and each bringing a unique vibe to our cuddle that has grown and matured over the decades. I'm laying the foundation for true friendships that will last the rest of time.

respectful

@b_link121 "there is a part of me deep inside that holds me back from really truly being vulnerable." You sound frustrated at not being more vulnerable, but try not to be too hard on yourself. You're doing great!

Edit: I don't know if this would help, but one thing I've come across is the idea of there being parts of you whose job is to protect you, which were developed in childhood -- but they might do it in a way that is damaging your life as an adult. One possible reaction is to say "I hate this about myself", especially because it seems so strong and overrides everything else. But another option is to say to that part of yourself, "Thank you for protecting me, I know you're just trying to help. You kept me safe when I was a child and I appreciate that" -- as a way to love yourself instead of hating yourself.

@just_me_ruthieb I love the phrase "somatically trusting others". And this is so true: "you can’t ‘reason’ your way out of [trauma]. You gotta experience your way out of it".

@PaulaDahla That's a good point -- other people's reactions can say more about themselves than about you.

b_link121

@respectful Psychology is extremely complicated and so confusing sometimes. Your point about survival methods that do us good in childhood but are not helpful or practical in adult life is extremely true. I’ve especially noticed that in my life. In order to survive, a child adapts and is incredibly capable of developing techniques and barriers and all sorts of things like that. But adults just can’t be sustained or protected by that. It’s like putting a tree I an area of concrete. Maybe it will protect the surrounding soil (probably not botanically accurate) and the tree can grow undisturbed for a while, but eventually the tree needs to break up the concrete as it creates roots so that it can reach its full potential. That process hurts like hell for humans. The concrete is around and almost built in as part of our heart. It feels like ripping away at it tears up the heart as well. But the heart can regrow properly once those pieces are gone.

Anyway, regarding your comment, some parts of me are very cruel and I can’t accept the treatment I receive from them in any kind of positive way. The parts of me that say “you are so stupid” are dominant but also are my enemy. Right now a bigger part of me hates the good part of me. Hopefully one day the part of me that hates the cruelty from me will outgrow that part.

respectful

@b_link121 "some parts of me are very cruel and I can’t accept the treatment I receive from them"

Absolutely. You never have to accept abuse, whatever the source.

I would see those kinds of things as echoes of what people have said in the past, lies you believe about yourself and things like that -- in a different category to a part of you that just wants to protect you.