Should I report this person?

AllyanaElsewood

i'm totally new to this, and not really sure how to make this judgment call by myself.
I don't want to falsely accuse, and risk ruining someones chance to find cuddles, but I even more so, don't want to open up anybody to a predatory person.

I ask that the community share it's wisdom with me, on this matter.

PersonA
Hi how you are doing?
24/01/2019 11:23 pm

Me
pretty good, and yourself?
24/01/2019 11:59 pm

PersonA
Hi just woke up tho how was your night sweety
25/01/2019 09:07 am

Me
Pretty terrible tbh. ?
Just woke up myself.
25/01/2019 01:33 pm
Though, Waking up to being called a sweety, does make me feel a bit better!☺️
25/01/2019 01:35 pm

PersonA
Oh really could be lot better if woke up while cuddling tho?
25/01/2019 01:39 pm

Me
Absolutely! I'm so starved for a cuddle rn, it's not even funny.?
25/01/2019 01:44 pm

PersonA
For sure I feel the same sweetheart let's set up cuddle time than believe me you'll like for sure
25/01/2019 01:46 pm

Me
Hmmmm. I don't know how I feel about you yet...
I'm very new to cuddling strangers. Cuddle virgin to be precise.
25/01/2019 01:55 pm

PersonA
Yeah I believe you we are new but we can make really good
25/01/2019 01:56 pm
PersonA
Let's make it happen tonit tho
25/01/2019 01:57 pm

Me
Sounds like perhaps... you are looking for some cuddles, of a more intense nature?
25/01/2019 02:01 pm

personA
Whatever you say I'm not picky at all cuddle be good or if you want we could little more than cuddles?
25/01/2019 02:02 pm
PersonA
Call or text me tho #phone number#
25/01/2019 02:16 pm

Me
Are you aware that what you've said, is grounds for permanent banning on this site?
25/01/2019 02:20 pm

PersonA
I mean only cuddles or if you want to hang out for dinner
25/01/2019 02:22 pm

To summarize my reasons for hesitance.

I feel like my own interaction could be construed as leading him on, or entrapment.
But i'm new, and scared, and was feeling that I needed to test this persons intentions.

But was it right for me to do so, in the way I did?

I will link him to this forum post, so that he see how he is being judged, and give his own side if he chooses to do so.

theidea

This site is a little strict overall. But do what you must. Or just ignore the person. I know for a fact that my friend has done some cuddles where the girl was open to doing more so it does exist. Which is most likely why you ran into it so quick. He had considered reporting them but didn’t. I would just block them and move on.

EventideCuddles

I think its prudent to be wary of anyone who is rushing to meet "tonight," ignores your indications of discomfort, or acts overly familiar right off the bat.

This guy probably wants more than cuddles, but its not up to you to prove anything. Instead of trying to "catch" him, its ok to say "I'm getting a sense that you want more than cuddles and I'm not up for that" and move on. He will argue, but your discomfort is enough of a reason to move on regardless of whether you're right about what he's looking for.

It doesn't matter to me whether you report him. Up to you. And its up to the site owners how strict they want to be about banning people who are here for the wrong reasons but skirt around the letter of the rules.

Hmm—
It would depend on how the other person construed your messages. Technically speaking, “more intense” can still stay platonic. Many, however, will regard such as an invitation to go above platonic. As such, I would advise you to be a bit more careful with your wording.

Asking someone if they want to go above platonic to test that person would be a double-edged sword at best and a rule violation at worst. As you have mentioned, your suggestion could indeed be regarded as entrapment. Not to mention, it could be problematic it the other person chose to report you for offering or otherwise suggesting non-platonic activity.

That being said, report this user if you shall, and we will investigate accordingly.

@HandcarvedCanoe +1

AllyanaElsewood

Thank you all for your wise feedback!
I'm learning allot already.
I'll wait to hear more diverse feedback while keeping my mind open.

The only thing i'm certain of so far, is that opening this topic up, to gain greater perspective, was the right choice.
So often we jump the gun, and miss valuable learning opportunities.
Having so often stumbled, yet never having taken the time to learn the why, we are bound to continue stumbling.

Looking forward to continued consideration, as new perspectives come forth, on this subject.

"Thank you, to the individual in question, for providing me, this opportunity to learn."

AllyanaElsewood

Update:
I've replied the bellow message to him, after linking this thread.

"I think I might be in the wrong here.
The community is giving me wise, and reasonable guidance.
Thank you for providing this opportunity to learn.

I've made sure, that you're identity has been kept confidential in my post.
I don't think, that you are a bad person at heart.

If we both show, that we've learned our lessons here, perhaps we can still cuddle.
Please go check out the comments, and let me know what you think."

(We'll see what happens.)

Catloaf

@QuinsCuddles You were very right to ask for help on this matter. I'm glad you are open to the learning experiences that come with finding a cuddle buddy. It isn't a cake walk. I also agree with @HandcarvedCanoe and @SoulcuddlerZ. Just going by logistics, it wouldn't be surprising if most people say yes to more when asked. Some people are opportunistic. So if you throw it out there not only will the dogs come forward, but also those who may have had no ill intention. It will be perceived very differently to others than yourself though it seems like a pretty innocuous statement.

One learns on this site over time that the words we use are very important and digested differently among the populace.

BlueIris

I never, ever tell anyone that I'm going to report him. I am not going to teach these people how to be even more devious.

To answer the OP, you were not wrong. This guy is not here for anything platonic.

4cuddles

Firstly welcome:).

Whilst I'm keen on blocking or reporting boundary breakers I don't think this situation calls for it.

The 'Testing ' him out then bringing it on a forum for others to judge makes me somewhat uneasy.

Had I been him but looking for purely platonic cuddles, I'd have stopped responding to you first (going just by the messages I found your tone and wording suggestive too). So can see why he may have hoped/ thought more could happen.

Not only do I think don't report but would suggest trying a different person to have your first cuddle with.

Whilst you kept his details confidential, I don't think it would be wise meeting this stranger. You can't be too careful with how he'd percieve been potientially called out publicly even if he was unnamed.
That he is already shown he is clearly interested in more means he is more likely to push your boundaries IRL.

cease2exist

If I feel like I need to report, I report, and the mods can sort it out if I was incorrect to do so. So far, I've batted at 100%, though.

@QuinsCuddles Did you have any communication prior to what you have shared, because this was from the beginning, calling someone "sweety" right out of the gates should have been a red flag. You welcoming such words of adoration might have sent the wrong message. Still, if you are uncomfortable with what was said (as it seems you are ... and rightly so), I'd just block him.

Another +1 for @HandcarvedCanoe. I couldn't put it any better.

Agree with @BigHugsCA .

"Sweety" from the get-go is a bit much.

Also I'd block instead of report.

People (mostly men) often mistake kindness for interest.

I think Huckleberry Hound taught me that.

Chocolatetreat

Hey @QuinsCuddles what made you say this?

"Sounds like perhaps... you are looking for some cuddles, of a more intense nature?"

cuddlerforu24

This guy was reported the minute this discussion was posted , I mean , don’t the mods read this forum ?

Lovelight

I agree with so many of you, especially:

@HandcarvedCanoe @SoulcuddlerZ @chococuddles

@Catloaf excellent points, as well.

"PersonA
Yeah I believe you we are new but we can make really good
25/01/2019 01:56 pm
PersonA
Let's make it happen tonit tho
25/01/2019 01:57 pm"

My evaluation of that is: he is distant from your comfort and in a rush. He's deciding when you are to spend time, which doesn't help most people to feel comfortable. Doesn't show consideration for your time, etc.

"Me
Sounds like perhaps... you are looking for some cuddles, of a more intense nature?
25/01/2019 02:01 pm

personA
Whatever you say I'm not picky at all cuddle be good or if you want we could little more than cuddles?
25/01/2019 02:02 pm
PersonA
Call or text me tho #phone number#
25/01/2019 02:16 pm

Me
Are you aware that what you've said, is grounds for permanent banning on this site?
25/01/2019 02:20 pm

PersonA
I mean only cuddles or if you want to hang out for dinner
25/01/2019 02:22 pm"

The rest seems to me that he's open to either. He may or may not be a boundary pusher. If one suggests to someone what they are open to, they are likely to say yes. Though, it's important to adhere to the rules of the site.

His rush and deciding, instead of asking when you two can meet: is certainly not something that makes me comfortable. Nor most people.

MucStefan

I think you were right - he is too pushy and too insinuating without even knowing you. Yes, sweetie would be also too much for me.
In other threads I read that posting a phone number before even agreeing to meet somewhere is a reason to be banned, so he also crossed this line.

Lovelight

@MucStefan "insinuating" I re-learned a new word /alternative to "manipulating".

Great! ?

UKGuy

Sounds like one of those movies where the helpless woman confronted by the demented serial killer says "I'm going to go right to the police and tell them all about you".

pmvines

@QuinsCuddles I agree with reporting this person and agree that he was insinuating he wanted more than cuddling. For argument sake, and this is not meant as an attack or insult toward you, however you seem to be asking for legit feedback. Some of your comments to the person in question do seem to imply you are open to the insinuations. For example, it has been said by a few folks that him calling you pet names off the jump is a bit strange. However you are also replying that you are feeling better since he called you sweetie. Also asking if he wants more "intense" cuddling. And agreed how nice would be to wake up cuddling and how much you are needing it at the moment. These are all comments that were said despite you admission that you felt uneasy with the person, and that you felt the conversation was going in a sexual direction. My thoughts are that if you are not ok with what is being said, end the conversation or clarify you are not interested, and then report. No point in making comments to the person that could be perceived as being permissive.

JasonCuddles

I wouldn't meet with the person personally. I would feel that they are way too pushy and unconcerned with how I felt.

@pmvines: If you're not used to getting gender-appropriate pet names, it's not weird to like them so much you don't even notice it's way too soon for that. Testing to see whether the guy you're talking to is really saying what you think he's saying, or whether you were just misinterpreting and he'll put the brakes on and redirect to what he actually meant—also not weird among feminine types.

Not a great tactic, since the guy tends to interpret it as an invitation, but I've seen it a lot with my sisters and such. Apparently it's tough to be blunt and say "I kind of have this feeling that you're going for X, which I'm not okay with. I was hoping we could do Y?" Makes you feel like an impolite idiot... or so I'm told.

Personally I think the biggest problem is when you've already jumped happily at the validation of your identity, then realized, Waaiiit....

I mean, what're you going to do then? You've already accepted the pet name. And you really do want to wake up cuddling... but pet names off the bat plus an immediate suggestion of sleeping together... whoops, what are you dealing with here? This could be bad! But you're probably overreacting. I mean, not all guys are like that. So how do you make sure? Well, you could just ask bluntly. But that kind of makes it seem like you're accusing him and (oh, gasp, horror of horrors) what if he gets mad? So you test a little more cautiously—and now you've led him on. Well, dang.

I think @QuinsCuddles did fine, all things considered. Just don't worry about upsetting the guy next time: look out for yourself!

Lovelight

@DarrenWalker @pmvines @JasonCuddles

• AGREED

• There are a lot of excellent feedback here! I think many of us learned/ were reminded of some valuable lessons.

@QuinsCuddles

Having looked over again all the feedback and your post. I have new feedback. I'll go point by point on things I think you/ (anyone) can improve for better success, and a more clear communication.

My feedback is in bold. For what I think is: good and adhering to the rules, I'll say: "Yes." Or: "It's OK."**

For areas I think can be improved, I'll say what can be improved. I am not a moderator/, this is just my understanding /advice.

• You two's conversation:

PersonA
Hi how you are doing?
24/01/2019 11:23 pm

Me
pretty good, and yourself?
24/01/2019 11:59 pm

Yes

PersonA
Hi just woke up tho how was your night sweety
25/01/2019 09:07 am

I think some people say "sweety" platonically, to almost everyone.

Though, some say mainly to hint something more than platonic interest. Or said to someone they are more than platonic with. Thus, making it a grey area.

Personally, I'd be a bit cautious at this point. Especially, given the rush. I'd avoid using: words of endearment.

• If it's a grey area, I'd avoid.

Me
Pretty terrible tbh. ?
Just woke up myself.
25/01/2019 01:33 pm

• It's OK.

• Though, seems too early. I'd keep the conversation light somehow, and getting to know each other/'s intentions.

Though, Waking up to being called a sweety, does make me feel a bit better!☺️
25/01/2019 01:35 pm

• Grey area. That can come off as leading. Most importantly, I'd just enjoy, if it is not becoming overbearing. Or accompanied by other "red-flags." I'd not encourage. You two barely know each other.

• To express interest/ enjoyment, I'd take slow getting to know the person first. If after sometime someone tells me, "I enjoy speaking with you." etc. Then if I enjoy, as well/ I am more sure of them, I'd say: "Thank you, likewise." etc. Or simply: "Thank you."

PersonA
Oh really could be lot better if woke up while cuddling tho?
25/01/2019 01:39 pm

• Grey area. Not really a fan of that: too fast to talk about falling asleep cuddling, when you barely know each other.

• THIS: If you are open to have an overnight cuddle. Though, need time to know the person. I'd respond with something like:

"Maybe. Though, I like to take slow getting to know each other. Have you had a platonic cuddle partner before?"

• That helps to ensure we communicate our goal: Platonic cuddling. Then, depending on the person's response take it from there. I'd stay clear off of leading/suggestive questions: in a direction that goes against the goal of the site.

Me
Absolutely! I'm so starved for a cuddle rn, it's not even funny.?
25/01/2019 01:44 pm

• Refer to: THIS

• I'd not use those choice of words: too early, can come off as rushing, AND it's too strong.

• If I know the person well and we talk, then I'd lightly mention that: "I look forward to seeing them. I miss them." etc. Or sometimes send: "Hugs." especially, if they have previously.

PersonA
For sure I feel the same sweetheart let's set up cuddle time than believe me you'll like for sure
25/01/2019 01:46 pm

• "... believe me you'll like for sure" is... not sure the word. It's uncomfortable. #Pushy

Me
Hmmmm. I don't know how I feel about you yet...
I'm very new to cuddling strangers. Cuddle virgin to be precise.
25/01/2019 01:55 pm

Better alternative: "I am new to cuddling, and would like to take sometime to get to know you, first."

Though, I'd have most likely discontinued this conversation way earlier.

• I'd avoid that choice of word cuddle "virgin". "New to cuddling" conveys without having double, suggestive/ possible leading meaning. So, it's important to watch our choice of words and we can improve overtime. Especially, if we make a habit to use 'poor' choice of words, it adds up.

PersonA
Yeah I believe you we are new but we can make really good
25/01/2019 01:56 pm
PersonA
Let's make it happen tonit tho
25/01/2019 01:57 pm

• Again, pushy continues. Doesn't seem to care for your comfort, and decision.

Me
Sounds like perhaps... you are looking for some cuddles, of a more intense nature?
25/01/2019 02:01 pm

• Seems a leading question to me. So, I'd instead, go with something like: "What do you mean?" Though, at this point and with this exact type of conversation you had, I'd be near rejecting/. Pushyness is a no from me.

personA
Whatever you say I'm not picky at all cuddle be good or if you want we could little more than cuddles?
25/01/2019 02:02 pm
PersonA
Call or text me tho #phone number#
25/01/2019 02:16 pm

• Seems rushing to get you off the site and switch over. Many in the community advice to: be cautious of someone in a rush to take the conversation off the site.

• There are many sites to meet people for more than platonic cuddles. We need to be real about what we want. If we are here, be true to Platonic cuddles.

• Advice:

Relax, don't rush.
Here stays: Platonic

Me
Are you aware that what you've said, is grounds for permanent banning on this site?
25/01/2019 02:20 pm

• I'd probably have blocked/rejected/ long before now.

PersonA
I mean only cuddles or if you want to hang out for dinner
25/01/2019 02:22 pm

• It's nonsensical manipulation. STILL insinuating.

• Hope this helps. ?

RyanLad

Well good thing you did report him if you felt like he was violating the messages and the tos. I would report him too if it was me, just by the nature of his messages.

Lovelight

@RyanLad yes.

OP: It is a personal decision and how you understand, feel the issue. Most times, there are reasons we feel/ think something is off. At the end of the day, we are not terrible for taking steps to help ourselves and each other keep this platform platonic. With their knowledge, and experience: if something breaks the rules, the moderators will make that decision.

Each person is responsible to inform themselves of what is acceptable and what is not.

Melilline

I'd suggest always looking their Karma and friends before even initiating contact. If a person is either new to the site or has no Karma, AND is pushy, its a huge red flag. You can always report and block an user and let the admin team do their work, even if you're not sure if it warrants a ban. You dont have to deal or worry about it, just block and move on to find a more suitable cuddler! Never let anyone push your boundaries and be happy

Snuggler88

There's a big difference between:

1. asking someone if they want X
2. asking someone if what they are looking for is X

Seems to me the OP has been accused of leading the person on. Really they were trying to get a sense of what the person was after... something entirely sensible and straightforward

pmvines

I dont believe OP was leading the person on. I do believe that the interaction could have been different, which is what i believe was being asked in the initial post.

Lovelight

Sure. Some things can improve over all. One thing is for sure, the person in question was pushy. Thus, good that OP acts in accordance to her comfort.

AllyanaElsewood

Thank you to every Individual who has responded thus far!

@DarrenWalker s assessment of the psychology that affected my own part in this, is entirely on the mark.

Stuff:
-I'm a brand new trans-person, desperate for affection, and validation.
-I'm an autistic, who has gone un-diagnosed, and unsupported.
-I'm a former shut in.
-I've been homeless allot. (ALLOT)
-I'm a weirdo, who wants to live life openly, and love everybody. (mostly platonicaly)

I'm a little overwhelmed, by skimming all of the new info coming at me here, but grateful too.
I will be taking the time, to slowly go over each post, for the valuable lessons contained.
After considering thoroughly, I'll make a conclusion post, with what I've learned here.

Right now, the only thing I'm sure of is...
1) I will not report the individual. (that would cut him off from the valuable lessons here.)
2) we both still have much to learn, about human social interaction.
3) This community, is full of wisdom, and kind hearted people.

Thank you all, once again, for your time, and input!
,
Quin

Babichev

@DarrenWalker - ""I kind of have this feeling that you're going for X, which I'm not okay with. I was hoping we could do Y?" Makes you feel like an impolite idiot... or so I'm told."

I don't feel that way. I think it's a good idea that if someone is making insinuations, to bring them out in the open. Either they will admit to what they are up to and if it's no good, they've just given you clear evidence, or they'll retreat. And if it was a genuine mistake, they'll apologize all over the place.

I agree with the others that the "Sweetie" business in the first few messages was too familiar too quickly and the OP responded in ways that could be interpreted as encouragement. And if someone said they wanted "something more," I'd ask them exactly what did they mean by that?

I agree I've been helped a lot by input from these forums. Going forward, I'd keep these things in mind and try to refine my approach. Kudos to you for being open to feedback.