Have you had your boundaries violated?

TisDoney

So I'm writing a book and I want to know some details from people's experiences here.

Have you had a cuddler continuously violate your boundaries? Did you voice your boundaries? Do you know your boundaries? Were you heard? Did it continue anyways? Did you report them? Why or why not? Can I ask you some personal questions about your background?

If this is too personal to post on this thread send a direct message to me please?

I want to do research on the psychology behind these experiences. I have a lot of the basics down but I need to confirm some things too.

Thank you for your contribution.

softncuddles

How do I send direct message? Use the same method as requesting a session?

Biblioromantic

I have a story I can share, but I can't find the option to PM you. Can you send one to me? Maybe that would be easier.

Knud

Hej there,
I don't know what kind of "psychological research" you want to do. If you want to have someone's background information you should be transparent in how that will be used for your "research". Specifically, make clear whether you actually do academic research or just want people to share anecdotes for your book.
Best, Knud

TisDoney

Direct stories won't be used but it'll help me with research.

mickcuddle

I think to PM a pro you first ask to become friends on the site. Once s/he accepts your friend request, then you can PM. Unless that changed recently.

pmvines

To pm you simply hit the request to book tab. Wont book anything just sends message

UKGuy

The only time my boundaries were violated was on my honeymoon. But that was nothing to do with cuddling, so I guess it's outside your subject matter boundaries.

Feel free to message me.

pmvines

I have. And when i made it known i was not interested there were all sorts of violations to privacy, time, and space. Rejection can spin a person, especially if not completely sound to begin with.

Not yet. Been lucky so far.

cuddlygirlhugs

@TisDoney , I joined this site a little while back. I still feel like a newbie afraid to meet anyone for this very fact. I have high hopes from cuddle buddy respectful of boundaries. If you are planning on writing the book, I came across few valuable educational series that were eye openers for me. You should check them out on YouTube. Here are couple of those links: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqUPp9q4J553ULa80oc-WbYyr2x000nrb
And
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqUPp9q4J553FPr5iGtYztErKv8OelIik

Catloaf

@cuddlygirlhugs I recently joined that site Cuddle Connect but there was only one user in my area. Had no idea they did resources of their own. I have a feeling though that with some of the bad apples and suspect pros I came across in other areas there that it may not be long before it turns into a trainwreck like CuddleUp did years ago, although Cuddle Connect seems to be far less ambiguous with its search criteria. Hopefully it doesn't take the wrong turn though or gain too much of a hobbyist patronage.

@TisDoney I have had my fair share of boundary crosses and would be willing to share them with you, except I can't PM because my acct is currently deactivated for personal reasons as well as the difficulty of not being able to add my bank card at this time. But I think that a huge reason for some clients pushing boundaries may have to do with age, and lack of understanding that the effects of cuddling can take us to different places. They may mistakenly see younger cuddlers of my generation as naive, inexperienced, or more "open minded" than older folks. However, the child in me remembers and knows when someone is crossing the line. I have known since I was 3 years old what it was like to be sexually abused and assaulted all while being "cuddled", and unfortunately I kept that secret for 20 years. No more. Being in this movement has allowed me to heal from it partially, and know firmly where I stand and where the line needs to be drawn. Those who cross it will be met with the adult in the flesh protecting the child inside. Cuddling is a childlike state of mind to me due to experiencing this bliss with my grandfather, a lonely and estranged man who was the only one to understand that need in me. At 14 during a very difficult time in my life, I had my last cuddle with him on the couch, and I cried in silence into his shirt. I seldom saw him between the ages of 8 until he passed away when I was 18. That memory is recalled whenever I am stressed, struggling with ideations, or I just want to be held. I can talk about it with my client when we talk about what cuddling means to us, or what memory is triggered when we do it... and they will still try to cross or blur the line at times. It is baffling to me how others can disrespect or disregard that cuddling takes us to different places that are not necessarily sexual or sensual, and put their own selfish motives ahead of someone who is quite literally transported back to an alternate childhood during the experience, where they were actually loved and cared for at the intrinsic human level.

I have but, I’m a man so nobody really cares.

@leesimon: Actually, that's super important. Society tends to assume that it's impossible for men's boundaries to be violated, either because "they're so strong, they would stop it from happening" or "men don't have boundaries, they want everything all the time."

You should definitely tell your story. Make sure it gets in there, 'cause people need to know it happens to everyone.

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Edit

@TisDoney: I didn't voice my boundaries because I figured we both knew where they were. I didn't say "no" to the kissing because a straight "no" tends to upset people and I didn't want my buddy upset. I tried to redirect, suggest other things: I hinted really strongly, but they didn't take the hint. I didn't know how to stop it without hurting their feelings or making them mad, so I started biting them each time they kissed me.

They didn't like it, but they didn't say so directly either. They hinted. I ignored their hints the way they kept ignoring mine, and eventually they stopped kissing me and we went back to normal snuggling, which was a relief—but I felt really tense the whole rest of the cuddle, because I didn't know what (if anything) they'd try next.

TisDoney

@leesimon
I am sorry that you had to experience that. I will say, I have had quite a few more men say they have felt their boundaries violated since I started receiving replies to this.

@DarrenWalker
I am sorry to hear that happened to you but I'm not going to lie, your response to bite and to also not listen to hints did make me laugh some.

Babichev

"Have you had a cuddler continuously violate your boundaries?"

If they are doing it "continuously" that means one must have allowed it to happen more than once.

If we don't voice our boundaries and make it clear what they are, then they can't be blamed.

@TisDoney: [laugh] It could have backfired—they could have liked it! But I got lucky.

It was weird for me, looking back, to see how much trouble I had with a simple, straightforward, "No kissing." I mean, I'm not exactly diplomatic! But I guess I depend more on indirect communication than I thought (in person, anyway). Looking away, making a face, suggesting something else.... Anything but a direct "no."

Weird.

TisDoney

Theres a legit psychological phenomenon that describes what you experienced. Let me see if I can find that forum post...

TisDoney

@DarrenWalker I'll send you the forum, it was in pros only

Well... hn. It's not like I froze up or panicked or anything. I just felt like I was communicating perfectly normally without being blunt, and it wasn't working, and option number two—being blunt—didn't seem like a legitimate option.

I mean, when is it ever okay to say, "No, I don't want that" when someone offers you something?

Even at a potluck, when it's some smiling church lady behind the counter trying to give you beans and rice, you don't say "no, don't give me that, I don't want it"—you point at something else and ask for that instead. Direct refusals are rude. Telling someone you don't want what they obviously assumed you did, that they're wrong and you don't appreciate the offer... who does that?

Normally you don't have to be blunt. You look away, make a face, shake your head a little, make dismissive noises, change the subject, people get the hint. When was the last time you had to straight-out refuse somebody?

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Edit: I mean, even the person I was biting never said "no."

I knew they didn't like it, but they never told me to stop. They said things like "ow" and "I thought we were kissing?" and pulled away to look at me with a surprised and hurt expression each time, and made little unhappy noises—but they never said "no, stop that, I don't like it."

Weird, but true.

Esquire

Whether you're reclining or sitting, if unwanted kissing starts, get up on your feet and firmly say, "Looks like you need a break. Kissing crosses my boundaries and it can't happen again".

Biting is the worst, most inappropriate response anyone could make. It's a dangerous escalation.

@Esquire: To be fair, I did mention that I sometimes bite when kissing (as another one of those hey-maybe-don't-kiss-me hints), made sure not to bite hard enough to draw blood (think of the diseases) when I actually started, and frankly I didn't think my buddy was any physical danger to me, so I wasn't worried about escalation.

Not the best choice, yeah, but it was all I could think of at the time, and—look: you try being that blunt with somebody without them taking it to mean "You're a boundary-crosser and I don't want you touching me for a while."

...Side note, @Esquire... I think there are lots of worse, more inappropriate responses to an unwanted kiss than biting the unwelcome lips. Like pulling a knife on your buddy and silently (yet vividly) threatening to stab them if they try anything you don't like; or even just stabbing them right there.

There are lots of better options than biting, definitely—like putting your hand in front of your face and shaking your head, or just saying "no, no kissing"—but biting can't possibly actually be "the worst, most inappropriate response anyone could [have]." That's ridiculous. I could've done way better, but I know for a fact I could also have done way worse. And I still think it's weird that I, blunt as I am, didn't just say "no" to the kissing... and my buddy didn't say "no" to the biting. Weird.

Esquire

@DarrenWalker

It's an act of physical violence. Violence begets violence.

@Esquire: Right... except by that logic pinching someone is equivalent to stabbing them.

Look, all I'm saying is this: I made it really obvious (via indirect communication) that I didn't want to kiss. I hinted that I would bite, guessing (correctly) that my would-be kisser wouldn't like that. They insisted on kissing me anyway. I bit them. That isn't, can't possibly be, "the worst, most inappropriate response anyone could [have]."

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Edit:

On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being knife-to-the-gut (or immediate sex, whichever, terrible escalation either way) and 10 being some magical method that nixes the kissing and leaves everyone feeling happy and good about themselves, I'd say no-blood-drawn biting is maybe a 4.8.

Esquire

@DarrenWalker Ask yourself why you use "indirect communication" and "hints" rather than deal with a clear breach of boundaries.

Be thankful his escalation wasn't to choke or punch you. You played with fire and got lucky. Just saying, rethink your response.

The facts, as you've relayed them, make it clear your idea of obvious has something lacking.

@Esquire: Dude, that is exactly what I'm asking. Why did I communicate indirectly? Why did she communicate indirectly? I don't think of myself as an indirect communicator, so what in the name of sanity?

My best guess so far is that's just the way humans work.

Esquire

We all want to be liked by everyone. We choose a style to reach our goal. God forbid anyone be offended, even if they are in the wrong.

Esquire

@DarrenWalker It's all good. Don't lose sleep over it. Consider alternatives or not. I'm not offended. LOL.