Being demanding or grateful

edited May 2019 in General

In a conversation with @EarthlyAngel003, she wrote:

"I was just talking to someone from this site who, unfortunately, hasn't had great experiences here. She's had to deal with other people sort of forcing their wants onto her and lashing out because she isn't responding in a way that they'd like. It's just one of those things I'm realizing people don't just 'grow' out of, sometimes it take conscious effort and work."

I think what can happen is something like this: for possibly the first time in their life, someone feels loved, cared for and treated amazingly by their cuddler (particularly by a professional). It brings them in touch with a deep part of themselves, and maybe with some hidden pain too -- feeling unloved, fear of being alone, past rejection and so on.

So here is this wonderful person who apparently is willing and able to meet their needs. At this point, some false logic can potentially come along and say things like:

"I need this, therefore you have to do this."

"I feel bad without this, therefore it is wrong for you to refuse."

"If you don't do this, I will feel rejected, which is not OK."

... where "this" might be: to continue cuddling, initiate a romantic relationship or have sex.

But no one else actually owes you anything, no matter how much you feel you need it. The need for touch and affection is legitimate, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that, but it's important to take responsibility for those emotions and not put them on another person in a demanding kind of way.

Boundaries are sometimes defined as "where you end and someone else begins." Believing another person is obligated to make you feel OK is a clear boundary violation -- it is unfair to make your feelings someone else's responsibility.

Cuddling is a precious gift (even when it is paid for), and gifts can't be demanded. The person you cuddle is letting you into their personal space, making themselves vulnerable and freely giving of their time, their trust and their touch. The appropriate response is gratefulness: saying "thank you!" rather than "now that you've met my needs once, you have to do it forever."

(I think the people who read this forum probably already know this stuff, but it can still be good to bring up).

Comments

  • @respectful

    “But no one else actually owes you anything, no matter how much you feel you need it.”

    A fair amount of people here seem to struggle with this idea. I’d add: “no matter how much you feel you deserve it.”

    I made a post on this subject in some other thread months ago, and there were a few who took issue with it. Strangely, those who exhibit toxic qualities dislike having those qualities criticized.

  • edited May 2019

    I appreciate this post so very much @respectful, much more than I Could ever explain. And I'm sure any other person who has large consent/boundary violations will as well.

    Thank you for speaking for those that don't feel safe enough, don't have the voice to. ❤❤

  • Thanks a lot respectful, awesome words of wisdom :)

  • [Deleted User]Baltimore_MD_ (deleted user)

    @respectful this is perfectly stated:

    But no one else actually owes you anything, no matter how much you feel you need it. The need for touch and affection is legitimate, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that, but it's important to take responsibility for those emotions and not put them on another person in a demanding kind of way.

    Boundaries are sometimes defined as "where you end and someone else begins." Believing another person is obligated to make you feel OK is a clear boundary violation -- it is unfair to make your feelings someone else's responsibility.

    Cuddling is a precious gift (even when it is paid for), and gifts can't be demanded. The person you cuddle is letting you into their personal space, making themselves vulnerable and freely giving of their time, their trust and their touch. The appropriate response is gratefulness: saying "thank you!" rather than "now that you've met my needs once, you have to do it forever."

    It's brilliant and I want to thank you for so clearly articulating these important points.

  • @respectful Well said. This is why a full discussion of boundaries is essential before anyone changes into their jammies, probably not near the couch or bed where you might cuddle. A Skype type of discussion might facilitate this if in-person doesn’t work. State your boundary, ask the other what they understand you to have said. Move on with the next boundary, maybe alternating one of yours, one of theirs. Repeating back what the other person has said is a way of assuring they got it.
    I’m willing to bet very few if us are this careful. But aside from the obvious benefit of having this discussion, you might scare off the potential boundary pusher because you now appear to have a clear and firm vision of your own boundaries.

  • edited May 2019

    Wed, 08 May 2019..#19..12:21:21 PDT

    I agree with everyone who commented on this forum/post thus far + “3000”
    To everyone who wrote to this:

    @EarthlyAngel003 , @respectful , @DarrenWalker , @hogboblin , @Sashamcgee , @hiricky , @Baltimore_MD_ , @mickcuddle

    Thank you framing in words that are well understand/understood and bring awareness to this topic. Im sure other people brought up similar ways.

  • Your writing is beautiful, @respectful . This is exquisite:

    But no one else actually owes you anything, no matter how much you feel you need it. The need for touch and affection is legitimate, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that, but it's important to take responsibility for those emotions and not put them on another person in a demanding kind of way.

  • If it is not an enthusiastic yes, it is not consent.

  • Thanks for sharing that that’s a good read. Not just for cuddling but also applies for relationships outside of cuddling ❤️❤️

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