I have a regular cuddle buddy, its been great; connection, etc. But - worried if I am starting to have feelings for my buddy. Anybody going through something similar? What is your take on it?
Friendships are one of life’s greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with — someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are is priceless. When we can have a deep friendship with someone, it is a tremendous gift. But at times these friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with a very close friend. The feelings can be intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.
It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love. But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into something greater. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you’re friends, the more stable your potential relationship is going to be.
While the only way to find out how someone feels for sure is to ask them straight up, there are some ways you can see if there is a hope that they share your feelings.
What I would do in your situation is to ask a trusted friend in a simple way if they ever have thought of me and this other friend in a romantic context. Listen to what they have to say and leave it at that. I might confide in them, but not get them too involved.
If you don't feel comfortable with talking to someone you both know, you can talk it through with a friend who is more removed, a family member or even a therapist. They can help you get some clarity on the situation.
From there, you can drop little hints to your friend and see how they take it. If your compliments fall flat or your flirtations seem forced, it may be time to pack it in. But if you feel a spark, you can think about having a talk with your friend.
Are they an enthusiast, or a pro?
hogboblin- enthusiast
So, talk to them about it?
Thank you for your response DonLong, we only met by being cuddle buddies though. I worry that I cross the line.. if I should just tell my buddy straight out that I might be crushing on them 🥺
hobgoblin - worried that it would be the end of our cuddling days
Alternatively, stop crushing on them?
hobgoblin-been trying to... not so easy
Of course, I should have thought of that. I'm new to this site and still trying to get into the mindset that you can be close to someone like that without knowing other people in their lives.
I am demi-asexual orientation. A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. In fact, it has only happened to me once in my life. I was very young when this happened to me and didn't know what to do. I was afraid they would see me differently and wouldn't want to be friends anymore, which would have crushed me. Combine that with me being extremely shy in my youth, I ended up keeping the feelings to myself which poisoned the relationship in a way I hadn't anticipated. I started unconsciously distancing myself from them because it hurt too much to be near them and be reminded of the feelings I had for them.
We ended up becoming estranged and moved on with our lives. 5 years later I accidentally ran into them in another state completely by chance. We ended up working at Microsoft together (I'm a tech, they were in accounting). We looked at each other and instantly remembered each other. I went out to dinner to get to know one another again. Unfortunately, she was moving to Hawaii in a couple of days. She had married an abusive guy and was leaving him. She was in fear for her life, so she was moving as far away from him as she could. We messaged a few times after she got to Hawaii, but we had been apart too long and no longer had that foundation we once had. I never saw her again, and too this day I wish I had made different choices in the past as we might have both been happier.
I wouldn't recommend the same choice I made. The only thing that can be done is to have a discussion about it. Hopefully, you already know them pretty well. You should know what their orientation is, how they feel about relationships, both now or in the future. Find out useful information about their past relationships that might give you a glimmer of what they are looking for. But ultimately, only you can decide whether you can take that chance. It's a risk either way, but just remember, in the end, you will be ok. From my experience, it wouldn't have mattered the answer, asking yourself "what if" is much worse.
Had a few what ifs in my life too DonLong hugs things we do during our younger days... thanks
There are other threads on this topic. I'd say follow your heart. You're human. You only live once. The upside is huge. Just ask her. Stop over thinking it!
"I think it's important to be honest with each other. Recently I have been starting to feel something else, something more. It's unclear what it is yet, but before I invest any time into exploring them, I wanted to see if you feel that our friendship has a chance to become something more, or should I just put any thoughts of those out of my head."
Instead of just blurting out how you feel and roll the dice, take it or leave it, I think the above phrasing clearly communicates that you are open to expanding your boundaries, but only if it's ok with the other person. By seeking their permission you are letting them know you value who they are and what they're thinking.
If they feel the same, Great! If they don't, all they are saying is that they are comfortable where they are now, but might appreciate the choice you have given them to reconsider in the future if they start to feel differently.
Relationships need balance. Both parties working together for mutual benefit. If one person is getting more out of it than the other, that is the road to an unhealthy relationship. Don't tip the scales by making a decision that'll affect both of you, keep it balanced by making sure they are aware that it can stay the same, but now with new options to explore when they are ready.
If they say they want to you guys to stay where you are, do not push it. Do not ask why, do not give examples. Accept their decision. As long as its not a big deal, its ok. But if you try to argue, then it does become a big deal and it will turn awkward fast. Never try to convince them, or use logic to win a discussion. Love is an emotion, and you can't beat it with intelligence.
The very best thing you can say if they don't take you up on your offer is, "I understand." Then drop it and wait and see if they eventually change their mind. You've already opened the door, now they can come revisit it when they are more comfortable.
rosebudhugs - YOLO kind of thing hehe
omgsh DonLong ! That is so perfect I need to ready myself for whatever outcome then.. I truly do not want to lose what we currently have too.
You’ve been given amazing advice so far so I’ll just add the “worst case” scenario. I agree with everyone that you should let her know so it doesn’t chew you up. There is a chance that she would feel uncomfortable afterwards and end cuddling so as not to make the situation tense. If that does happen (which we hope it doesn’t), you definitely seem mature enough to understand. I’m sure you’ll find someone else. But that’s further down the road so cross your fingers!! Good luck!
I doubt you can stop crushing on someone. Feelings arent something one can simply turn on or off! Its somewhat similar to a fwb where one starts feeling more than just a friend. Inevitably someone will get hurt. Good luck. I hope things work out.
Thanks Sheena and melancholy - haha feelings and love a risky business haha
If a relationship is in order here, there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. If a relationship is not in the works, there is nothing you can do to make it happen. I have learned to ride these situations out for as long as possible and at the same time developing long term committed friends, companions and even romance. Don't deal with the the relationship and add expectations that make it impossible to continue. Deal with your pain over it. If it is going to go toward romance, it will become so obvious you won't have to say anything. The struggle will dissipate. When it does, I would want to be standing in some form of relationship association (Superficial, companion, friend or lover) rather than having it terminate.
I am new(ish) to the site. The ish being that I have not contacted anyone for cuddles, yet. But...my understanding of what will happen is that this is a safe enough environment that I could have an intense feeling of affection for my cuddle buddy, express it, have nothing come of it and it still be all good.
So, you should enjoy the feeling you have because that is the point. Does that make sense?
My situation doesn't allow me to date.
As for my feelings, I've had to self reflect and figure out a plan.
Not in a cuddle context. Though, I caught pretty strong feelings for one of the guys I know/knew. Faster than I'd ever caught such strong feelings. I question whether it's loneliness, or what exactly was driving this attraction. As well as what this attraction really was. The latter I've more reflection to do on.
We used to meet once a week for our short while. I really enjoyed our meetings and looked forward to the next. My solution happened by chance before I figured it could be a solution. That being, to skip a week. Of course my feelings didn't want to though, I had got sick and had no choice. lol. That gave me time to reflect, slow down, and actually dissapate my feelings a bit or so. We haven't seen each other since the last time I said I can't meet. So, I've no progress comparison.
Even though, in the former example, there was "unintended avoidance" or space taken. I'd still take a bit of space when I need to. I personally have no issue continuing to see a guy I am attracted to. I just reflect and find ways to cope til such feelings dissapate. Another thing that my self-reflection has taught me is that I caught myself asking him date-like questions. In which case, I withdrew from such questions because I knew a part of me was trying to know him romantically. If I don't know that he's enthusiastic about the things I'd want my prospective partner to be about, then, I'd have less attraction to him. You know? So, maybe that's something that can also help you. Although, if you two just happen to be so similar and THEY are asking you those types of questions while you are low-key crushing on them: I don't know what to tell you. lol. I believe you'll figure out something.
Edit: Though, just because you find out like that that they are so similar to you, doesn't necessarily mean they are into you like that either. Maybe that's just them being friendly, while for you, those types of questions are what you'd usually ask a date/crush. end of edit.
I still have a crush on others. Though, they aren't actively on my mind, in my feelings. Usually just when I encountered them. Or when I've no crush like who is in connection, and more active with me. I remember them then, and have feelings for them. Though, I can also be quite shy so I am lucky if I wave or say hi. Then I run away.
Though, I am interested in having a friendship with them. Possibly a cuddleship too. I think I'd manage just fine.
We might drastically differ in how we experience attraction, the types we experience, etc. Therefore, you'll need to figure out your comfort and what works best for you. It's okay to try different methods you think might work as well.
Edit: to me, it's sort of like being on a diet, and going to a party in which all the kinds of foods you weren't supposed to have: being there. Though, also having the option to have what you were supposed* to have. So, I take what is mutually agreed upon, and learn to have self-control/discipline, etc. I might have a tiny bit of cake like how I mentioned: asking questions that were date-like. Though, I tend catch myself and strive to 'fix' that. end of edit.
I admit having a cuddle buddy is intense. It is wonderful to find a person who cuddles with you and that you are friends. That is a true friend with benefits. She really cares about your mental and physical health. I never dealt with an enthusiast but it still good dealing with a good pro. I say personally myself is to have an abundant mentality. I personally need to find 1-2 more cuddlers to avoid having those kind of feelings and keep the good vibes going
@MrCuddlenity yes, that too! It helps to lessen the intensity between individuals.
@Lovelight. Also that way, the non-pro or pro(s) you have helps build you socially too. I have enough love and care to give to these women. Always be as well rounded as you can is what I learned
@emgee you seem like you have thought long and hard about this and the feelings remain. I think you need to tell the person and lay it out on the table. If both of you are mature, the person will either say they do not harbor those feelings or that they in fact do. The third could be they no longer want to see you because you overstepped boundaries—which you did not; you were just honest about your feelings. But people are weird and that possibility is there. So I guess the real question is how strong are you? Strong enough to handle rejection? Strong enough to handle being ostracized? Strong enough to handle someone who may have stronger feelings for you than you ever anticipated? You need to be prepared more for the answers than the question.
"Let there be spaces in your togetherness" ~Kahlil Gibran.
How much do you know about this person other than their cuddling style etc? Do you know their future goals? How they treat waitstaff? What their relationship is like with their family? How they handle money?
When I find myself crushing, I try and find those things out before deciding to take the relationship further.
@MarthaSpeaks and if they treated wait staff with only a moderate amount of decorum ?
@emgee Honestly I would just say something. ‘‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Plus, you never know!
@MrCuddlenity certainly. 🙂