childhood Cuddling

dharma1257

I have seen a few people mention in their profiles that they are very comfortable with cuddling and learned it from doing it a lot in childhood with parents, loved ones, friends.

I had a pretty decent loving childhood but i dont remember much touch or hugs. Of course as a infant one is touched a lot and hugged and bathed, touched that way. But as i got older, the touch became less frequent and just the occasional hug.

So i was wondering if those who experienced lots of cuddling, hugs, touch, when a child growing up, what was it like, was it like a cuddling session, what kind of cuddling or touch was it? Did your Mother or Father or just one of them hold you, caress you, snuggle with you, hug you? Trying to understand this better. Thanks

UKGuy

I see from your profile you have no children of your own. I think a person's perspective on how they were brought up changes when they have brought up children of their own. That perspective changes even more when your parents die because then you are solely a parent and no longer a child of anyone. I can't really answer your question because you did not ask for a parent's point of view. All I can say is parenting is probably the most difficult job in the world.

DonLonG

My older sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me. They were always too busy with boyfriends to give me any attention. By the time I was 8, they were married and moved out of the house. My dad worked 14 hour days and wasn't home often while I was awake. All fell to my mom, but I didn't get much affection from her either.

A year ago I asked my mom why she didn't hug me more when I was a kid. She told me back then there was a cultural fear of child molestation, and she didn't want to be accused of touching her children too much.

I was brought up that you get a 5-second hug to tide you over for the rest of the month. If I scraped my knee or got a boo boo, I might stretch it out to 10 seconds, if I could squeeze out a couple of tears.

dharma1257

For most of us, it seems once we outgrew infancy, and became a little older, the touching and affection and cuddles disappeared due to culture. Everyone is under the false belief that it is wrong to still touch, cuddle, hug etc a older child. It is not natural in our society, culture.

However, as i asked and brought up, some on here, in their profiles state otherwise, that indeed the touching and cuddling and hugs continued and was not looked down upon, but welcomed, was part of their upbringing and why they are comfortable cuddling now. Those people i especially would like to hear from and hear their experiences with this.

I love my Mother very much and she loves me very much, however, she is not comfortable now with touching, even though when i was a infant, she touched me a lot and bathed me and caressed me, etc, but now as a adult, the only time we touch at all, is on her Birthday and Mothers Day and a few other occasions like this, where i give her a short hug wishing her well on that day. I have to make sure not to hug too long or else she will feel uncomfortable. It is a shame it is like this in our society and not acceptable, but i have to respect and go with the flow here, dont want to make her feel uncomfortable. And with my Father, it was even less touching, it was more like just a thank you. Guys dont hug or touch we are taught.

UKGuy

@dharma1257 - probably your Mother and Father were not comfortable with it because their parents were not comfortable with it. The cycle repeats through the generations. But parents show their love for their children in many different ways, only one of which is physical affection.

dharma1257

@UKGuy - Yes, exactly, you are correct, spot on. Love was there, but just not physical affection, except when i was a infant. Then the physical affection stopped.

pmvines

I was very touch aversed as a child . Even if my family were touchy I would have not responded well to it .

I used to sit in Mom's or Dad's lap when they read to me. Being a very bookish family, there was lots of reading! As other, smaller kids turned up, I moved to snuggling up against the reader's side (so as to still be able to see the pictures), and eventually graduated to having kids sit on my lap (and snuggle against my sides) while I read.

Movie time practically requires cuddles when you've got twelve people and only one couch, but even when we adapted a bunk bed for couch use people kept sitting on each other. Hey, what are laps for?

And of course come Christmas there's always a handful of kids who want to sleep around the Christmas tree together. Heaps of presents around the tree... if you consider children gifts from God. (The actual Christmas presents tend to end up stacked against a wall.) As the oldest of ten kids, most of my cuddling was with siblings rather than parents. Mom and Dad were definitely in there, but there were only two of them and nine of the others, so—hey. What do you expect? And kids don't need to go to work or make dinner nearly as much as adults do.

In short: Lots of casual kid cuddles. Are you and your siblings all in the same space, doing something that doesn't require a lot of movement? There's probably gonna be some snuggling.

dharma1257

I was out today at a park and saw a Mother walking around with her baby and holding him and caressing him so lovingly. I have to admit i was jealous of this baby, lol. It was exactly as i have been talking about in this thread. It is acceptable to love and touch and snuggle and cuddle with a baby, but as we get older, that is no longer acceptable. It is such a shame that we cannot continue this same loving touch, even as adults. Sorry to keep repeating myself, but i had my confirmation today seeing it again in person, what i already knew.

I wanted to share this small part from a book called "Loving Relationships" by Sondra Ray: " You must remember that as a baby you were a very tactile, sensual being who got touched all the time. Bathing time was a time of particular pleasure where you got touched all over your body.... As an infant you found this touching wonderful, but one day it stopped suddenly without explanation....." She is describing something else than i am describing above in this part of the book, but i think it still applies to what i was trying to get across, that at one time we were held, loved, hugged, caressed, touched, and then one day it all stopped.... Touch is needed when we are infants, and i feel touch is still needed as we are adults.

clarence_worley

@dharma1257 There are biological/evolutionary reasons for the snuggling and cuddling of infants. You will never ever ever ever be treated like that again. I'm not saying this to be mean. I just think you need to move passed it. You are craving something you don't even remember happening.

dharma1257

@btrmc, i know i have to move pass this, i agree, thanks.

UKGuy

@dharma1257 - I don't think it stops as suddenly and dramatically as you suggest. It may seem like that when you think back but It's more of a gradual thing over time. Parents naturally adjust their behaviour as their children get older and their children's needs also change. Sometimes the reduction in intimacy emanates from the child, not the parent. One of my daughters used to watch TV with me, she would sit beside me and put her feet on my lap, wanting a foot rub. I would play this game where I would count her toes and always come up with a number less than or more than five. This would always make her laugh. But at some point, she stopped putting her feet on my lap and then later, as she got older, she stopped watching TV with me altogether.