Are we self love deficient, touch deprived or both?

What does it mean to have self love?

To acknowledge and respect one's needs and wants in a way that truly honors one self without undue dependence on or unreasonable demand of another.

What does it mean to be self love deficient?

To abandon or ignore one's unmet need and or desire for respect and acknowledgement. And or seek that unmet need and or desire through others.

What does it mean to be touch deprived?

To not have the access to or opportunity to have physical contact with another in a way that offers comfort and satisfaction.

So are we really reaching out to cuddle another to fill an unmet need or desire we have abandoned or ignored in ourselves?

Or are we cuddling because we desire and or need to be touched by and touch another?

Or is it both?

WKplatonic

Self-love means accepting ourselves fully. I was brought up understanding how can I love others if I don't love myself first, It has taken me years to fully understand this.

Being touch-deprived is going without a healthy touch from someone else for long periods at a time.

I personally like to connect with my platonic cuddling partner on a spiritual level and we both take it from there.

UKGuy

Personally, I am repulsed by any question that begins "what does it mean" because it reminds me of being in poetry class when the teacher would ask us what the meaning was of a particular stanza in a poem. Invariably, I would have no idea. How should I know what was in the mind of an 18th century poet at a particular point in time?

geoff1000

@UKGuy
I can't remember the details, but after the meaning of a particular poem had been debated for years, the author eventually admitted that it had no meaning, and he had only written it for the money.

A novel set during the Cold War, involves a complex US-made electronic device being stolen by the Russians. It turns out that the device had no function, but was intended to tie up the best Russian brains, in a fruitless effort to understand it.

Like we human beings do with almost everything else in this life, we uniformalize our human experience. We often forget that need is as fluid as want and as fluid as life itself.
Hence, not everyone has the same need for touch. One's need for touch changes as circumstances internally and externally change. At one time that "need" may not even be a need but a desire. It's different for different people for different reasons.

Some people's need for touch may be emotional. Others spiritual. Not everyone's need for touch is physical. That's something we should acknowledge in our community.

Community is not just for tagging and sending love to those whose viewpoints and values resonate with ours. Or for those we feel more comfortable socially with. It is also for embracing those who don't.

Lots of folks treat this site as an experiment of sorts to fill voids in their lives created by many different life situations. Many speak of being lonely. Others speak of just needing the warmth of another to just snuggle up with. Others speak of feeling depressed and looking for someone to cheer them up. Still others speak of wanting a companion or a friend for the sole purpose to cuddle.

So no doubt there is much expressed need. But is that need necessarily always for physical touch? And might that need be a more subconscious, latent desire for more than another's hug: perhaps understanding, acknowledgement, validation, belonging, security? And if that is the case, is there too much of a burden of value being placed on physical touch?

No doubt these shelter in place restrictions have made many feel more deprived of physical touch. But it has also made many look deeper at their touch needs. Having had to do without that physical touch with physical distancing practices has had some finding and getting their oxytocin serotonin dopamine fill elsewhere. That elsewhere has nothing to do with physically cuddling someone.

Again the need for touch is different in every one and sometimes the same person. Not everyone has a need for physical touch. Some do.

Personally these social distancing practices has made me acknowledge with deeper self reflection that my need for touch is not physical. I certainly desire physical touch some times. My need for touch is emotional: acknowledgement on many different levels, understanding. I give these to myself daily. But I also need it from others. This alone makes me a pariah. Always has. And that is why giving that emotional touch to myself is far more important to me than getting it from anyone. But being true to myself, I readily acknowledge that as my need for touch.

Sadly, as much as this is a diverse community it is also very closed minded in how it views the very thing that makes it different: touch, touching and be touched.

BrianL

In my case, yes.

geoff1000

I'm a big movie fan, in part because they can express things better than I, and I prefer to acknowledge my sources.

In "Romancing the Stone" Jack Colton explains to Joan Wilder, that the bad guys are after the map, only because they are really after the treasure. We like to receive cash, but only because it allows us to buy goods and services.

In the same way, I think we enjoy physical touch, because it is a method of communicating between people, and it is actually the message that we enjoy, rather than the specific method of communication.

Sometimes during a period of physical contact, we can imagine that message ( I am happy and comfortable being with you ) ; but I expect that such imagination eventually fails, if that message is not actually being given.

Other times, I think that message can be exchanged, even when the parties are not physically touching. I have on occasion, very much enjoyed having a young woman sleep with me ; in the literal sense, and with no contact. The only awkwardness, is that it is a bit one-sided, because I have to keep my eyes open to know they are there.

UKGuy

A person sentenced to 30 years in prison has a need for freedom. But that freedom cannot be realized, regardless of the degree of need. It's the same for touch. If the need for touch cannot be met, the degree of need makes no difference.

Definitely both, for me. Touch "grounds" me, helps me climb down out of my mind, closer to the openness of my Heart. Is it immature of me to need touch in this way? Shouldn't I be able to do these things for myself? Yes and no.. Touch speaks, silently, to a place in me where words simply can't reach. And I miss it.

So, yes...it's both.

Imajen

geoff1000

This BBC news item explained some of it for me.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-52279411

MrPaul

I’m seeking physical touch, to fulfill a desire for it. I’ve discovered how much I was missing it. I like it, I’m good at it, and I want more.

It can come along with emotional fulfillment too, and I see that as a bonus. Much has to do with the connection between us. I don’t place restrictions on what I allow myself to experience. I just embrace the moment, and don’t think too much about it.

Every person is different. Every interaction can be an exchange of positive energy.