Why Can't we search by relationship status?

edited May 17 in General

oops, got it.

Comments

  • You can most certainly search by relationship status

  • @ILikeWarmHugs yes, sorry. I deleted that entry.

  • Mmm.. can I delete this thread :/

  • Glad you found it

  • :) thanks. I was ready to get upset!

  • edited May 22

    Well if they are looking for cuddlers then let’s hope that they are single or otherwise it is infidelity. Not appropriate for married people to be on here looking for intimacy.

  • @MacaronCuddles , that’s quite a generalization to be making.

  • I agree with Salix67. There are those of us who are married to people for whom affection / touch is not as important as it is to us. Who knows what steps a married person has taken to try to communicate this need to a spouse who is not receptive. Ideally yes, our spouses would meet our need for touch. But what if they do not? That's a tough one.

  • And besides that there are people with open marriages or who are poly where their concept of infidelity does not include cuddling other people. There are people in arranges marriages for financial or family security reasons. I just think it’s a broad generalization.

  • @MacaronCuddles anyone can be on this site, married or not. My husband is perfectly fine with this being my job. And I know plenty on this site that have a spouse that is fine with them looking for a cuddle buddy. Don’t cross off married people so quickly. I know there are some that are on here doing it without their spouses knowledge and you have every right to avoid them, but that’s your own discretion. Don’t generalize in saying they just shouldn’t be here at all.

  • edited May 22

    @MacaronCuddles what's your definition of intimacy?

    Intimacy encompasses a wide spectrum of gestures and activities. It involves shared or mutual interest and investment of mind and spirit on many different levels. And it's certainly not exclusive to physical or sexual touch.

    Platonic cuddling by its very nature requires some level of intimacy with another that involves sharing thoughts and ideas and at times emotions before one even ever physically meet.

    Does being exclusively involved in a long-term relationship such as marriage exclude one from engaging in the intimacy that comes with having thoughtful and probing conversation in a platonic context?

    And what exactly does the term "being married" really mean? Does it always mean that two people are cohabiting together? Or does it mean they have a unique arrangement that not many can understand and accept as "appropriate"or "normal" by society's standards but works in a functional way for the people involved?

    There are many variables involved when talking about a person's relationship status. We ought to be careful how we make comments that can feel discriminatory and exclusive to one group or another. It really comes down to needs and desires which often are not and cannot be filled by anyone person or one relationship. And of course the kind of and degree of communication being engaged between all concerned.

    To each his own always applies.

  • edited May 22

    Also what is "appropriate" and what is "acceptable" are two different things.

    It may not be appropriate to engage physical cuddles with a stranger without first having such a conversation with a cohabiting spouse. Yet it may be acceptable to do so if the two people are physically or legally separated and have mutually agreed to such arrangement.

    Likewise it may be appropriate to offer a listening ear to someone and say kind words to him or her in the context of the two people trying to build a connection with each other. But not acceptable to not acknowledge that person's thoughts and feelings when expressed by ignoring or down playing those feelings with empty generalizations about the person's character and platitudes regarding what one thinks of how the person handles him or herself.

    It's all a matter of subjective perceptions and judgement regarding what fits into feeling or seeming right or wrong in a situation vis a vis what looks or appears right or wrong.

    And truthfully, a little empathy goes a long way. Sadly too many of us either don't have it or care enough to. That's what a lot of us are also looking for on this site. A little acknowledgement of what we're feeling or experiencing at any moment in time. We don't need sympathy. We don't need advice. We don't even need to be accepted nor fully understood.

    Giving that little acknowledgement to someone is sometimes the best gift we can give him or her. And it doesn't take away our integrity or strength or seriousness as people. It really cost us nothing to do.

  • edited May 22

    It comes down to honesty and transparency. if you are going behind the other person's back to have emotional/physical needs met , it's dishonest and there is such a thing as emotional cheating . It's all about communication and trust and context . Evey time I hear this topic brought up I have to pose the question . Yes cuddling by definition as it pertains to this site is not sexual . However what would you be thinking if you find out your significant other has been meeting internet strangers at their place , or hotel , or having them over to your home you share , and snuggling with them in bed while listening wearing what amounts to pajamas with the lights low listening to R&B ? And at times paying them to do this ? Ask yourself how convinced you will be that it's strictly platonic and furthermore that it is due to a need that you have not been fulfilling ? Not to mention the fact that attraction and non platonic feelings / actions def have the potential to occur. So yes, nothing wrong with being on here if you are married but I do think if you are here and not honest then yes it is wrong because it has a great potential to cause harm to the other person

  • @pmvines I was with you up until the R&B ....
    I don't inquire about relationship status especially since I've mostly dealt with pros as far as meeting. I trust their partner or partners know what they're up to but if some reason they don't I try take every precaution that no drama comes my way.

  • Other posters have previously asked why "relationship" is a listed variable. Similarly for "children", which might be intended to exclude offspring who have left home.

  • This a ticklish complicated issue: relationship status.

    Here's a common scenario:

    Person and spouse have been slowly disintegrating in the intimacy in their relationship for many years. They've participated in counseling and partial therapy for years. They've had many conversations about their intimacy issues. Spouse shuts down emotionally when person mentions greater need and desire for intimacy. Spouse rejects person's request for permission to find professional cuddlers. Person shuts down emotionally in frustration. The relationship continues in tension.

    What other viable options does person have to meet his or her need for physical intimacy? Physical intimacy here refers to platonic touch and hugs.

  • @Bles

    "What other viable options does person have to meet his or her need for physical intimacy? Physical intimacy here refers to platonic touch and hugs."

    Be patient if need be and break up asap. Otherwise no matter how it's spewn it's cheating. What you described sounds toxic.

  • Just going to mention that my GF would know what's up and would be able to read any conversations I had on here once they start and well before I actually met anyone for an initial meeting to see how we get along. I guess some people may consider that cheating but I doubt she would. Of course she could always ask myself, her husband, or her other boyfriend for clarity on that.

  • @Lovelight many of us would prefer life to be that simple. The uncomfortable truth is that there are many grays when it comes to long-term relationships and even what constitutes "cheating". And not all of it "toxic".

  • edited May 23

    I'm generally of the opinion that if you are in a monogamous relationship and your partner isn't satisfying your intimate needs, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. That is what a partner is for, and the point of monogamous relationship. Cuddling with others would then seem to be a breach of that relationship. As to what constitutes cheating, the easiest way is to ask. I'm assuming that married people on here already asked permission from their spouses if it is okay to cuddle with someone else (of the opposite sex if they are heterosexual), but sadly I'm sure there are many who haven't because feelings get hurt all the time in this world.

  • To add to the above post, I sympathize with those in relationships where they are only there for fear financial stability; there are probably other exceptions for people in other circumstances that prevent them from leaving the relationship, but I guess that means we have to take each case individually.

  • Yes like kids. It is worth breaking up a home for the kids because parents want to cuddle other people instead of eachother?

  • Some posters on here say that platonic cuddling is better than sex ; so presumably for them, cuddling with someone else would be worse than ( sexual ) infidelity.

    I'm guessing that some porn actors and sex workers would describe themselves as "in a monogamous relationship", even though they are having sex with other people.

    The key must surely be whether or not the other party in the relationship is "happy" with their partner's behaviour. If they don't know, and they are actively prevented from knowing, then that's probably classed as "cheating".

    Cheating could also be applied to meeting other people just for a conversation, visiting a lap-dancing club, taking drugs, or gambling. The person is satisfying some need or want with someone else, and hence denying their partner the opportunity to be the one meeting that need or want.

    Relationships are built on trust, and if there isn't enough trust, the relationship will probably fail ; though if it has already failed, there is less at stake on either side.

  • I've listed my relationship status as "married" because I am, technically. If "separated" was an option, I'd select that instead, because In fact, she left me about 7 years ago and now lives over 1,000 miles away. We just haven't done the paperwork to get divorced.

  • Lots of people here in the "separated" category too. Some have been physically separated for over a decade or more for a variety of reasons. Yet because of site software algorithms such individuals real life experiences will never be reflected on their profile.

    And and on goes the never ending cycle of explaining and defending one's life choices and situation. Often being outrightly scrutinized and judged.

    It is often misunderstood how divorce laws and sociocultural practices vary from state to state and country to country. That one cannot force or make a person agree to divorce another. That a person can and has the right to ignore one's petition to request a divorce. This despite many years of conversations, counseling and therapy sessions. Years of physical separation. It is just life. It happens.

    What are you to do if you're the party on the receiving end?

    There are some who've chosen to live in social isolation for many years on account of an estranged spouse choosing to ignore their petition to request a divorce. The vows they took are so sacred to them that they do not want to compromise their moral integrity by putting themselves in circumstances where they might feel compelled to act on their desires and longings. So they compromise their mental and emotional health by keeping to themselves.

    It's a catch 22 situation.
    And often all parties concerned stand to lose.

    So what is the constructive best alternative here?

    If one follows the vibe in this thread and community in general anyone with the relationship status as married expose themselves to the risk of cheating whenever they choose to cuddle. Even if the married parties have spent years arguing and haggling over one or the other's need for affection, years in counseling and therapy but one or the other or both decide they want to hold on to the status of being married. Yet refuse to bend and compromise in meeting one or the other's need for intimacy and affection. And refuse to grant permission to one or the other to get it from established professional Cuddlers for a fee.

    So what is that person supposed to do?

    Believe it or not this is a real dilemma many ordinary people face out there. They just don't say it. And the pushback they get from the moral police and detectives on sites like this from simply trying to deal with that dilemma in their human way, the way they know best often make them feel like criminals.

    Some argue why not just walk away and forget?

    When a relationship is done it's over. So move on ! It's not so simple.

    Marriages especially are a long term investment in assets, institutions, communities and people. Severance is rarely complete even in a divorce. The children involved often keep those respective bonds alive through generations.

    So what happens when communication regarding one or the other's desire to cuddle a stranger breaks down? Does the desire to cuddle wane? Or if not do you still meet your own human need for validation and acknowledgement through the intimacy of platonic cuddling?

    If one is really honest that's a tricky and uncomfortable one to answer! And the discomfort is not necessarily in the moral dilemma that is called into question.

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